Phil Kessel Has a Sad (Time To Say Goodbye: Loser Domi [for real this time])

PHIL KESSEL: Ahhh geez, it’s been a rough couple of weeks.
LOSER DOMI: I’ll say.
KESSEL: I’m not scoring at all, not matter how much I try and hustle.  And you’re, like, not even posting anymore.
LD: Yeah…about that…I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, but I think I’m officially ending this site.
KESSEL: WHAT? Why?
LD: Well, to be totally honest, I’m incredibly busy. I have a lot of work responsibilities, I may be getting into school again, and I even have what you might call a….”special buddy.”
KESSEL: You mean like me and Bozie? We’re awesome buddies!
LD:  It’s more than like what you have with Bozie. Even if you like hanging out and playing video games with Bozak, there’s a lot of other stuff you wouldn’t do with him, right?

KESSEL:  Well, yeah, you know. Like, I wouldn’t live with him or—oh.  Are you talking about butt sex?’Cuz I would NEVER being doin’ that with Bozie.
LD:  No, Phil, not butt sex but….never mind, let’s just move on.
KESSEL: So why are you ending the blog?
LD: To be honest, I’m getting way too busy to maintain it. Plus, I feel like it’s gotten a lot less fun. It’s more work now than it ever was.  So, for the sake of my own sanity and out of fairness to all 12 people who read this thing, I don’t want it hanging over my head anymore.
KESSEL: Ah, geez. You’re quitting the internet forever? How will I read about Grabbo stabbing pineapples, or Brett  Lebda getting shot in the face?
LD:  Don’t worry: I’m not quitting the internet. I’ll still be over at Barry Melrose Rocks, writing about the whole league.  And I’ll always be over on Twitter. And there are always the archives.
KESSEL: You know how I feel about the Twitters.
LD: Yeah, yeah, I’ve watched the video a thousand times--stay offa Twitters:

KESSEL: So you’re leaving your own site?
LD: I am for the foreseeable future at least.  Who knows—I might be back later, when my real life allows more room for all of my online lives. But for now, WWoLD just has to go into retirement.
KESSEL: But you’re still on the Twitters and on the other site nobody reads?
LD: I’ll have you know that Barry Melrose Rocks has at least 20 readers!  There are the drinking games and Kevin crying about the Islanders. Sometimes we have video of wee school children falling down or fighting. It’s awesome.
KESSEL: Yeah, that Enforcer guy’s pretty good. Even if it’s just making fun of the Sedins and trying to rewrite Star Wars to be about Anze Kopitar.
LD:  I can still write about the Leafs in those two ways. I just won’t be running my own site anymore. See what I’m saying?
KESSEL: I do. It’s still kinda sad though.
LD: Not as sad as the fact my last real post –unless I start it back up—will be about Brett Lebda.
KESSEL: Brett Lebda is always sad.
LD: Yeah…
(really awkward pause)
KESSEL: So…uhh….do you wanna drink some beers and play Call of Duty with me and Bozie?
LD: I’m not much of a gamer, but beers sound like a fantastic idea.

Seriously though, thanks to the readers, the good people I’ve “met” while doing this, and MLSE for not suing me into the Stone Age. It’s been fun, and a great experience.  You can keep up with the madcap adventures on Twitter  and Barry Melrose Rocks

Time to Say Goodbye: Lee Stempniak

You may know Lee Stempniak from his mildly popular advice show here on WWoLD. I'll be honest: I started Ask Lee Stempniak to get rid of him. It seemed like every time I give a Leafs player a show, he gets traded. It happened to Carlo Colaiacovo, Nik Antropov (and now Alexei Poinkarovsky), and even Darcy Tucker (despite his show lasting ONE ENTIRE EPISODE.) Someone brought this up and I decided to try giving someone a show to delibratly trade him. That choice was Lee Stempniak, who I didn't really like at the time.


Ask Lee Stempniak is the longest-running Leafs show that I have done so far, and it has been tons of fun to write, but something else happened. I started to dislike Lee less and less to where I considered him one of the higher-ranking men in my stable of imaginry hockey boyfriends. What a sneaky, sneaky bastard to ninja his way into my heart like that.


Great moments in WWoLD history:
Well, he did have that show. Also...got shot in the face for his WWoLD debut...starred in one of the most heartbreaking, melodramatic slashfics ever written... helped Vesa Toskala when he was trapped in a closet...made us all love Buttons...cameoed in the longest period of time Mike Van Ryn has ever gone without an injury..."I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it."...settled a music dispute.


What I Learned from Lee Stempniak:
 Obviously, I can't have imaginary Leafs boyfriends, ESPECIALLY if they have a show here. I guess there's only one thing to do...


RICKARD WALLIN, WOULD YOU BE MY DANDY HIGHWAYMAN?

Also, keep an eye out for my new feature "Czech out Cooking with Kaberle."

Time To Say Goodbye/Friday Youtube Yoinkage March 5, 2010

 
(photo source)
Today, I decided to combine the FYY and saying good bye to Alexei Ponikarovsky because Poni has had some memorable videos of him.

Clip one has him, Nik Antropov and Jeremy Williams talking about the Canadian Provinces, the NHL,and mustaches.


Clip two has Antropov and Ponikarovsky as the new "Odd couple". This is what spawned the Antro and Poni Super Awesome show and many,many jokes about cheesebourgers and sosa sola.


Clip three has some goals and other game goodness from Alexei:




Great Moments in WWoLD History:
Alexei was quite the supporting player, even if he wasn't usually the star of the show...there was the aforementioned show he had for three short episodes...Tried to win over CoachRonWilson...had one of the hardest scenes for me to write ever in "Leafer Madness"...certainly didn't eat Vesa Toskala...really, really, REALLY missed Nik Antropov...got Wendel Clark into the Maple Leafs Chats

What I Learned From Alexei Ponikarovsky:
UKRAINE NOT WEAK, don't be afriad to use your size, and learn to live with slobs.

Here's to some Happy Poni Time in Pittsburgh!

Time to Say Goodbye: Martin Skoula

I know, I know. Martin, you were a Leafs player of all of about 16 hours (give or take). But that doesn't mean you can't have an impact, right?

Ah, who am I kidding? By the time you got flipped, I forgot who you were. Best of luck in new Jersey, though!

Time to say Goodbye: Jason Blake

The man who brought us "FISTPUMP!" and "he looks like smashed hamster" has left the Leafs. Did you know he once scored 40 goals in one season? Never mind he has scored 51 goals TOTAL in the 2.5 seasons since then, but hey, cancer sucks ass.

Great Moments in WWoLD history:
Labeled moments here...threatened to "Crush Luke Schenn"...Got shot by the Hell's Angels...introduced us all to the "Hanukkah Fairy"...was rather generous for my second blogthday... had all of his cancer punched out by Wendel Clark.

What I learned from Jason Blake:

Well, he did have this great cameo in a video where a bunch of now-former Leafs (and Luke Schenn) Talk about Valentine's Day (I think it's near the end, when Monika is talking to Dominic Moore)

Well Jason, have fun in Sunny Anaheim.

Here are some dancing hamsters for everyone to enjoy!

Time To Say Goodbye: Vesa Toskala

Oh, Vesa, Vesa, Vesa. I remember your first days as a Leaf. You got Andrew Raycroft out of Toronto. But then, you stopped being a goalie and started being more of a sieve.

Great Moments in WWoLD History:
All labeled adventures are here...had a nice chat with Ed Belfour...helped Andrew Raycroft through a hard time in his life...introduced us to the wonders of cooking with orphan meat...was a guest on the short lived Antropov and Poni Show...WAS A FINNISH STUD WITH A MANPURSE AND MICKEY MOUSE SHIRT...went to rehab thanks to Nik Hagman and Phil Kessel...crashed crashed Jonas Gustavsson's hospital stay...and almost got shot while being trapped in the closet.

What I Learned from Vesa Toskala:

I learned, laaaike, how to do funny accent voice. I also learned that, laaaike, if you laaike somezing enough, to laaike, go for it. And laaike with Matt Stajan, there is more to life than being really, really good looking

Time To say Goodbye: Matt Stajan

That is still the best damn screencap ever. A year or so ago, I would have taken Stajan's departure much harder. Of course, when a player is featured so much that his tag is the second most often used tag, it means something. I think that we just fell apart, much like how Matt's (late) crown of curls fell out of his head. Despite never really stepping up his game, I think part of me will always have a soft soft for his glorious fuck-me eyes. I wish you the best of luck, Matty. May the soccer balls never hit your face, and may the socks remain soft and kickable.

Great moments in WWoLD History

Matt was a great supporting player here, and as I mentioned, was second only to the youtube tag in popularity. Here's some of his best moments: Taught us all about the dangers of Shirley Temples...had a nice talk to the haters out there...was almost too hot for Ask Lee Stempniak...helped Mikhail Grabovski learn English...was there when Mike Van Ryn needed him most...stuck around even when I tried dumping him before...got his ass tazered at the Year End Leafer Awards...showed us his secret livejournal...taught us all about Earth Hour...showed us why it's called "dope"...reacted poorly to "It's a Wendelful Life"...Did NOT get his blood punched out...threw up on my shoes (in a fictional universe)...tried to find a new BFF after Colaiacovo, Steen, and Wellwood all left him...survived the Amazon with Carlo and Eric Lindros...had a big favor asked of him...had a bad time at Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque...did poorly in Leafer Madness

What I learned from Matt Stajan

There is more to life than being ridiculously good looking. Always work hard, because you never know who is looking over your shoulder. Balls to the face are dangerous.

ah hell, one last time, the eyes:

Time to Say Goodbye: Ian White

Ian White was a player who never really gave up. Despite faltering at times, being benched and suffering through many bad hairstyles, (I remember one year he had it blonde and possibly spiky. EEP!), Ian White became something of a pet favourite to a lot of us Leafs fans (not all, but a lot of us).

Great Moments in WWoLD History (in no real order):

you can find all labeled adventures here, but some of my choices: Taught Grabovski English...was a great guy at the Year End Leafer Awards...read some things about Luke Schenn that cannot be unread...REALLY LIKED ICE CREAM...had a major sad when Carlo Colaiacovo left...went chupacabra hunting for "It's a Wendelful Life"...tried to be Matt Stajan's BFF...had some kickass Halloween Costumes...tried to help Carlo Colaiacovo's bones heal...and SPOILER ALERT did not survive the lighthouse in "Leafer Madness".

Also, this isn't mine, but...Ian White Porn Star:

What I Learned From Ian White:

I learned to not give up, no matter how long you're benched. I also learned the best way to protest something is to grow a bitchen stache.

Time to Say Goodbye: Niklas Hagman

Time to Say Goodbye week continues with my look at Niklas Hagman. I wish him the best of luck.

Great Moments in WWoLD History

To be honest, much like Jamal Mayers, Nik Hagman wasn't around long enough to contribute all that much aside from the occasional LOLeaf. But he did get Vesa to rehab in the Holiday Kesstacular, and he was rather generous for my second Blogthday.

What I Learned From Niklas Hagman:

Smoking. Hot. Wife.

Time to Say Goodbye: Jamal Mayers

It seems like Brian Burke knew I was having a bit of writer's block, so he traded 6 people away. That's a solid week of "goodbye" posts, and I suspect that's not going to be all. Anyway, here's the first of this string of goodbye posts.

Great Moments in WWoLD History

To be honest, Jamal didn't play such a huge role in WWoLD . He had a brief role in the Holiday Kesstacular, where he (SPOILER ALERT) gets shot. He was also the inaugural guest on "Ask Lee Stempniak.

Then again, Jamal starred in a great short for Bloge Salming:

What I learned from Jamal Mayers:

Eyebrows are awesome. So are snappy dressers.

Time To Say Goodbye: Jiri Tlusty

Jiri Tlusty has been traded to the Carolina Hurricanes for Philippe Paradis. Now, as many of you may know, I'm a much, much, bigger fan of Czechs as crush objects than Quebecois. I think it's the fact that I've lived with some very unsavoury examples of the people (especially Quebecois guys in glasses. I keep expecting him to start a fight with me over how to put knifes in the dishwasher.) I know they're not all like those guys, but I still need something to get the taste out of my mouth, so to speak.

Oh well.
Great Moments in WWoLD history

You can find them all here, but highlights include: PRAGUE NIGHT OF GLAMOUR,

being my birthday buddy, made an appearance for my second blogiversary, was part of an epic LOLeafs-off, and helped Nik Antropov on a mission to help out some defenseless kitties.

What I learned from Jiri Tlusty

Damn, that's a lot of jokes that are just gone now. Czechs rock. Always be well-groomed. Stick handling is very important. Tonguing dudes can be a good time. Facebook can be an enemy and a friend.

to send Jiri off properly, here's a massive photopic spam of Mr. MOAR SEXYTIMEZ MAN himself:

Best of luck, Jiri. I'll still send you a birthday card, buddy.

Time to Say Goodbye: Tim Stapleton

Well Timmy, I wish I could have gotten to know you better. Unfortunately, I need to follow the Marlies closer. If you had only made a bigger impact on the Leafs, or I had only followed the Marlies better, I could have something to witre about. Alas, now is not the time.

Great moments in WWoLD:
Sorry, there's nothing here.

What I learned from Tim Stapleton:
...Timbits aren't just for breakfast any more?

Time to Say Goodbye: Pavel Kubina

I’ll admit it, when Pavel Kubina first came to the Leafs, I didn’t like him one bit. He seemed over priced,underperforming and he came from the Lightning, which I had a major grudge against for some reason for a while.However, after a season or two, he grew on me. ‘Twas a sneaky growth, not unlike a hobobeard /hobmop combination. I don’t know what it was about Kubina that swayed me--maybe it was his play getting better, maybe itwas the height, the Czechness, or the hobobeard.

Maybe it was his selfless spirit, which lead him to break so many sticks so that workers in stick factories would have more secure jobs and take dumb penalties from time to time just to keep refs awake. Part of me wonders if the stick breaking and dumb penalties weren’t part of some odd mental tic of his; a fear that if he didn’t do a small bad thing, someone would leave the ice on a stretcher or something.

What I learned from Pavel Kubina:
Czechs are damn sexy. Hobobeards can only be worn by those who can handle them.

Great accomplishments in WWoLD:
Kept the backyard barbecue at McCabe’s interesting...introduced us to the plot hole device...drove a tank with strippers in it...talked about his home town (and maybe has a relative who “fails at life”)...consumed a lot of vodka and vicodin...survived a night out with Sundin, McCabe, Tucker, and Kaberle--even the lesbian Sens bar...tried to be“best buddies” with Kaberle...showed us a softer side when Kaberle got into tequila...guested on the short lived“Antro and Poni awesome Show”...gave us all really good ideas for Halloween costumes...


So Pavel, have one last palacinky at Prague Fine Food Emporium for me before you get crunk in Hotlanta.

CONTEST! and other stuff

I figured I'd tie up some things here:

First off, Since the summer is really damn boring I am having a contest! It's the first ever Loser Domi's Slash Fic Summer! So get those twisted minds a-workin' on some NHL slashfic. Here are the rules:

1: You can keep it as tame or a saucy as you like.

2: It must involve at least one person with some sort of connection to hockey. This could be a player, a broadcaster, a writer or even a blogger. Perhaps you want to write about how players "relieve stress" while on the road? Maybe Pavel Kubina and Hugh Laurie get a little saucy at the International Hobo Beard convention? OR you want to figure out what Chemmy and PPP really do on their sexy vacations together? Go for it!

3: I'm putting a limit of 1000 words maximum per story.

4: (And this is crucial) Every entry MUST contain the following phrase: "'Oh' he/she/I said. All he/she/I could say was 'Oh'".

5: Email your entries to me at loserdomi@gmail.com with either "contest" or "LD, you are soooo cool and I have daydreamed about kissing you" in the subject line.

6: I don't really have prizes, but I could send you some old textbooks I don't need anymore, or some random crap I find cleaning.


Second thing, I will be doing a "time to say goodbye" type series for the players who leave the Leafs for free agency (hobobeard... :/). Just give me a bit to work them out.