Travels with Carlo: Customs Calamity

(SECNE, CARLO COLAIACOVO, ALEX STEEN, and ALEX’S WIFE SOPHIE are all inside of a customs/immigration office building)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, welcome to another episode of “Travels with Carlo”
SOPHIE: Who is he talking to?
ALEX: I have no idea—he does this all the time
COLAIACOVO: I’m here with Alex and his wife…uh…Lady Steen, and were inside the actual customs office since Alex’s dual Swedish/Canadian nationality kinda complicates things
CUSTOMS OFFICER: So, Mr. Steen, you were born in Manitoba, Canada, correct?
ALEX: Yes, sir, but I spent a lot of my childhood in Germany and then Sweden
CUSTOMS OFFICER: So you were born in Manitoba, raised in Europe…how the Hell did you end up with such a Yooper accent?
ALEX: I don’t know sir, just don’t kill me, please.
CUSTOMS OFFICER: Oh, that’s ok, I was just curious. Anyway, do any of you have any alcohol or tobacco?
ALEX: Nope.
SOPHIE: No, sir
COLAIACOVO: (chuckles) I’m not sure about tobacco or alcohol, but Alex might have like 1200 grams of weed, a few hits of X and a few knives shoved up his butt (Swarm of IMMIGRATION OFFICERS takes ALEX to a back room for questioning)
ALEX: CARLO! You BITCH! I’ll KILL you!
CUSTOMS OFFICER: OK, so Mr. Cola—Calyaya—Cookahasky…do you have any sort of weapons, you know, guns, knives, mace…
COLAIACOVO: (holds up arms in classic body builder pose) THESE are MY guns! (Swarm of IMMIGRATION OFFICERS takes COLAIACOVO to a back room for questioning)
SOPHIE: OH , I know what you’re doing, sir! You are going to give him and my husband tickets to the Immigrations Officer’s Ball
CUSTOMS OFFICER: Ma’am, Immigration officers don’t have balls…on second thought, guys, bring her in for further questioning, too.

16 hours later…
SOPHIE: You stupid boys! We could have gone through that with lots less difficulty if you just kept your mouths shut!
ALEX: Good God, I feel so dirty and violated…
COLAIACOVO: (not so cheery) Well, folks…that was our introduction to life in St. Louis…
ALEX: Carlo, I’m totally killing you in your sleep
SOPHIE: I don’t like St. Louis
COLAIACOVO: Well, folks, that’s all the time we have for this episode of “Travels with Carlo.” Thanks for watching!

Carlo Colaiacovo's Amazon Antics

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO, MATT STAJAN, and ERIC LINDROS are on a canoe on the Amazon.)

COLAIACOVO: Hello, everybody. Once again I am traveling to an exotic location in an effort to find a shaman or…something to remedy my terrible injury curse.
LINDROS: Hey everyone!
STAJAN: Wait, who are you guys talking to? Did I miss something?
COLAIACOVO: This time, I’m in the Amazon rainforest with my good buddies Matt Stajan and Eric Lindros
STAJAN: Amazon? Is this where all the books come from?
LINDROS: No, this is the home of those warrior women who’ll kick our asses, isn’t it?
STAJAN: So…Tonya Harding’s hometown? (a blow dart seems to come out of nowhere and hits LINDROS’s neck)
LINDROS: uhhhh, I don’t feel so—(falls asleep)
COLAIACOVO: What the Hell? (two more blow darts appear and hit COLAIACOVO and STAJAN, who fall asleep immediately. Later, the three awaken curled up together in an isolated “mud hut” type village

LINDROS: (groggy) Why isn’t it over here? I put it here yesterday.
COLAIACOVO: (groggy) Mommy, my head hurts…
STAJAN: (groggy) I won’t miss the bus…(sits up and realizes where he is) Oh God Damn it! Why do I always pass out and then wake up looking like I had a gay orgy?
LINDROS: Wait—orgy? Where?
COLAIACOVO: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this…(What appear to be three nude male TRIBAL LEADERS enter)
STAJAN: Naked people! I knew this was a gay orgy!
LEADER 1: No, you are wrong.
LINDROS: Wow! You sure do speak English good!
COLAIACOVO: You guys aren’t, like, cannibals or anything, are you? ‘Cause you look like every other tribe of cannibals I’ve seen on “Indiana Jones” and stuff like that.
LEADER 2: Oh, don’t be silly! We’re not cannibals (mumbled) all the time. (normal voice) We’re just ex-pat nudists who have formed our own colony here in the beautiful wilderness of the Amazon.
STAJAN: But why did you have to tranquilize us?
LEADER 1: You seemed so lost and, uh, stressed. It was just an herbal relaxing supplement.
LINDROS: Well, it certainly worked. I mean, I am really relaxed right now.
LEADER 2 (whispered to LEADER 3): The blond and the other young guy are too young. I say we take the big dumb guy
LEADER 3: Which big dumb guy?
COLAIACOVO: Well um, could you guys direct us to some sort of civilization? No offense—you have a nice little village here, but uh, we need to get back home.
LEADER 2: We do have a motor boat, but they only hold three people
STAJAN: Well, there’s three of us—that works out perfectly.
LEADER 3: We want them back.
STAJAN: oh, right. Yeah…
LEADER 1: We can send two of you with one of us and then he’ll come back for your third person.
LINDROS: Oh man! This is like that puzzle thingy in school with the boat and a wolf, a chicken and a bag of rice! I could never figure that one out.
COLAIACOVO: OK so, how’s about Matt and I will go with one of you and then we’ll come back. (General agreement all around, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO board a boat with LEADER 3 as LINDROS remains with LEADERS 1 and 2)

LEADER 1: I’ll have to be honest—those blow darts were more than just herbal supplements. They actually had marinade in them as well.
LINDROS: But I thought you weren’t cannibals!
LEADER 2: We’re not cannibals all the time—
LEADER 1: But we are always nudists.
LEADER 2: --you need to very your diet to survive, after all—but we liked the looks of you. The other two were too young for us. But you’ll do nicely as the “guest of honour” for our great feast.

(Later on, with LEADER 3, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO)

COLAIACOVO: I’m so disappointed. I’ve been looking all over for some sort of shaman or a blessing or something and I haven’t found a thing.

STAJAN: Maybe you just need to look harder.
COLAIACOVO: In fact, I’m probably worse off than when I started. I probably have like fourteen different worms in my stomach right now
STAJAN: Or, like, some rare STD that’s a cross breed of herpes and AIDS that just bitch-slaps your dick till it falls off.
COLAIACOVO: And you know something? I don’t know what they injected me with but I’m so relaxed that I don’t even care about that. It could all be true and I just…don’t care.
STAJAN: I know, it’s like it’s all going to come up Stajan no matter what happens.
LEADER 3: Well, this is as far as I can take you. Your friend is not coming.
STAJAN: What? Why?
LEADER 3: He, er, decided to join our colony while the two of you were still unconscious. He said he admired our way of life and that his old way of life was far too stressful.
STAJAN: so, Eric Lindros is now living in a nudist colony in the Amazon? Well, stranger things have happened. Like, Tim McGraw once did a duet with Nelly.
COLAIACOVO: And Tie Domi was once captain of the Leafs. I just wish Eric told us he was leaving first so we could say goodbye.
STAJAN: Well, if he’s happy, I guess that’s the important thing, you know that he found peace and such. That’s really cool.

(Later, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO on a plane ride home)

COLAIACOVO: Well folks, I didn’t find a shaman or anything, but Eric Lindros did find a less stressful life and inner happiness, so I guess it all worked out.
STAJAN: Hey Carlo, do you have a feeling that something should have happened but it didn’t?
COLAIACOVO: What do you mean?
STAJAN: Like something that’s happened before was supposed to happen again, but it didn’t?
COLAIACOVO: Matt, I have no idea what you are talking about.
STAJAN: That’s ok, neither do I.

Travels With Carlo: The Tribe of Treachery

(SCENE: COLAIACOVO, STEEN, WELLWOOD are in a small prop plane being flown by GUIDE (old British man) over what looks to be a remote grassy area)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, Carlo COlaiacovo once again and I’m on a trip to find a shaman or some sort of trainer to help me over come my nasty injury bug.

WELLWOOD: Uh, Carlo, who are you, uh, talking to?

STEEN: Is this like Candid Camera or something? Are we about to get punk’d?

COLAIACOVO: With me today are Kyle Wellwood, Alex Steen and our guide, um, I forgot your name…

GUIDE: Lloyd Elrick Mackerbottom: anthropological expert and amateur poodle groomer.

COLAIACOVO: So anyway, Lord Mackey says he knows this really remote African tribe that has, like, one of the top shamans in the world for resiliency charms, which is what I’m after. (GUIDE lands plane)

GUIDE: Now, this tribe is extremely remote and it has dwindled significantly. However, they remain a proud and noble race. As you leave the plane, just follow my lead (ALL exit plane)

COLAIACOVO: OW! Oh man, I hit my nose guys, I think it’s broken…or at least bleeding

10 minutes later…

GUIDE: It’s quite a good stroke of luck that my wife also flies this plane; as a result she keeps a good stock of tampons on board.

COLAIACOVO: Oh yeah, I feel tho lucky and blethed.

STEEN: Should you have a lisp with a broken nose?

COLAIACOVO: I thuthpect that I bit my tongue at the thame time ath breaking my nothe.

WELLWOOD: Hold on…if we’re in Africa, shouldn’t we have gotten a ton of shots before we left? And shouldn’t we have gotten visas and stuff like that for visiting foreign lands?

GUIDE: Well, my good boy, we’re going to an extremely remote part of Africa that hasn’t really been permanently settled yet.

WELLWOOD: That may be, but the entire continent has been carved up into countries, even the remote bits. Are we here illegally? And shouldn’t the trip have taken longer than 45 minutes?

GUIDE: Time zones, my good boy—it only felt like 45 minutes. Oh look, here is the tribe now (two men in “traditional African clothing” appear)

STEEN: The whole tribe is these two guys?

GUIDE:I told you their numbers have dwindled significantly (GUIDE and TRIBESMEN exchange gibberish-sounding dialogue) Ah yes, this one is called Ubuntu, and he is the shaman of the tribe. The other is named Mogwai and he is Ubuntu’s assistant.

UBUNTU: Huminahumina Barcalounger!

MOGWAI: Huminahumina Habeus Corpus!

GUIDE:They welcome you to their home, but before we can fully enter their territory, Ubuntu must assign each of you a sacred name.

UBUNTU (to WELLWOOD):Huminahumina…Gravytits!

COLAIACOVO: (laughing) Ah man, that ith THO funny! I’m tho calling you that from now on!

WELLWOOD: That’s just mean.

UBUNTU and MOGWAI: (excited gibberish at STEEN)

COLAIACOVO: What’d they thay?

GUIDE: Apparently your friend’s large nose means that this tribe regards him as a powerful medicine man himself. He is welcome to do as he pleases.

MOGWAI: huminahumina, mi casa es su casa!

STEEN:Really? Cool!

UBUNTU (at COLAIACOVO): Huminahumina…Born of Balsa Wood!

COLAIACOVO: Fair enough

WELLWOOD: What the—my shirt’s brown! It was white before!

COLAIACOVO: I thmell gravy.

STEEN: I dunno about you guys, but I just got a huge craving for KFC.

GUIDE: It looks like your nipples are leaking…gravy?

STEEN: Well, powerful shamans like us do have great powers of divination…I mean, your name is Gravytits.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that! It’s not funny!

COLAIACOVO: I’m laughing.

GUIDE: OK, now that we have all made our introductions, we can begin the healing ceremony. Alex, since you are the shaman representing us, you get to start

STEEN: Uh, what do I say?

COLAIACOVO: Try thomthing in Thwedish!

STEEN: OK, uh, humin humina…something in Swedish!

GUIDE: Alright then, Mogwai is going to fetch a small holy biscuit and you, Carlo, must eat your friend’s breast gravy off of it.

COLAIACOVO: Do you guys think that this counts as a homosexual experience?

WELLWOOD: Probably not, but I think this goes under “stuff that shall never, ever, ever be discussed again.” (UBUNTU and MOGWAI start laughing hysterically)

COLAIACOVO: What’s so funny?
UBUNTU: Ah man, I can’t keep it up anymore—we’re just FOOLING with ya, man! I mean, “Sacred ceremony” haha!
MOGWAI : “holy biscuit!” By the way, my name’s Leon, and he’s my buddy Francis.

STEEN: So I’m not really an all-powerful shaman? Well, crap.

COLAIACOVO: Wait a thecond; aren’t you that old Britih guy who chathed me out of your houthe when I wath doing the opening to “Travelth with Carlo”?

GUIDE: Alas, you have discovered my ruse. I rented a soundstage and hired some random yahoos to pose as African tribesmen to humiliate you.

WELLWOOD: It seems a bit intricate for simple revenge. But how did you make me squirt gravy like that?

GUIDE: I didn’t do that. I suppose you’re just a freak of nature.

COLAIACOVO: Ah thcrew it, let’th jutht get some donuth or thomething. Come on, Gravytith.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that!

COLAIACOVO: No way!

Carlo Colaiacovo and the Ostrich of Doom

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone.

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is at a secluded Texas ranch.)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, it’s time for me to once again find a way to make myself more resistant. Today I have a real treat for you all as the extensive and often sketchy connections of MLSE have given me a once in a lifetime chance to train with the toughest man alive, Chuck Norris. (knocks on door) Hello? (CHUCK NORRIS answers door)

NORRIS: …Who are you?

COLAIACOVO: I’m Carlo Colaiacovo, the hockey player who wanted to be made of something other than glass. MLSE guys talked to and said you’d help me become tough like you are.

NORRIS: Look, kid, I’m just an actor. I’m in incredibly good shape, but at the end of the day, I’m still just an actor. All those facts about me you read on the Internet are just baloney. I mean, my tears curing cancer? Just ridiculous—even though it’s true I’ve never cried. But hey, it’s not a total loss. Come inside and I’ll teach you how to win Connect Four in three moves. (sounds of a fence breaking and squawking)

COLAIACOVO: Hey, what was that…OHGOD CRAZED ATTACKING OSTRICH! (the ostrich mauls COLAVCOVO for a bit as COLAIACOVO screams in pain and terror. After a slight struggle NORRIS roundhouse kicks the ostrich, knocking it off COLAIACOVO.)

NORRIS: Are you ok, Copacobana?

COLAIACOVO: I just got mauled by an ostrich. I think this has been a pretty bad day.

Travels with Carlo

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone .

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is sitting in an overstuffed armchair in front of a fire place. The room is very tastefully decorated, much like the opening to “Masterpiece Theatre.” )
COLAIACOVO: Hello there, I’m Carlo Colaiacovo. As some of you Leafs fans may know, I have had a long string of terrible injuries. That’s why I’m going to spend this off-season traveling the world looking for a cure for my…what’s the word…made-of-glass-itude (OLD BRITISH GUY enters)
OLD BRITISH GUY: What the bloody hell are you doing in my house? (COLAIACOVO runs out of chair, jumps out of open window and lands in a dumpster.)
COLAIACOVO: ow…my head…
4 weeks later…
(COLAIACOVO is standing in a secret underground laboratory with IAN WHITE)
COLAIACOVO: Well folks, my head is all OK! My special guest for today is fellow defenseman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Ian White!
WHITE: Uh, Carlo…who are you talking to?
COLAIACOVO: Thanks to MLSE’s extensive and often shady connections we were able to secure an exclusive deal with Stark Industries. (We see TONY STARK designing something on a computer screen.)
STARK: (moves away from screen to reveal an Iron Man suit painted to look like a Maple Leafs uniform) Awesome, isn’t it?
WHITE: Wait, so Carlo would be like a mecca Maple Leaf? That’s so cool it’s not even funny! (WHITE starts wandering around in the lab looking at the various items.)
COLAIACOVO: Wouldn’t it be painfully obvious?
STARK: Don’t worry—with a better paint job, people will just think it’s Hal Gill or Zdeno Chara. Although I did have to modify the power source a bit.
COLAIACOVO: So this is running on…?
STARK: Since you don’t have a magnet in your chest, you’ll just have to be really, really drunk. By my calculations, you’ll need a blood alcohol level of…six.
COLAIACOVO: I could handle that.
WHITE: Hey Tony, what’s this thingy do?
STARK: DON’T TOUCH THAT! (WHITE retracts his hand, but in doing so he knocks a glass of scotch onto a computer keyboard. The keyboard shorts out and the sparks ignite some paper, which also got soaked with scotch. A small fire starts)
COLAIACOVO: OH SHIT!
WHITE: Don’t worry—there’s a big bottle of water here!
STARK: DON’T ! That’s-- (WHITE pours contents of bottle onto the fire, which grows to almost the size of a wall) That’s vodka! Who the hell are you?
COLAIACOVO: Well, I’m Sidney Crosby and he’s Jason Spezza. (STARK evacuates via a convenient fire-proof Audi, leaving WHITE and COLAIACOVO behind.)
WHITE: We gotta get outta here!
COLAIACOVO: Ya, congratulations, Captain Obvious. (WHITE and COLAIACOVO manage to just barely escape the collapsing building)
WHITE: Well, as Darkwing Duck would say, “Singed but triumphant”
COLAIACOVO: Ian, for tonight, I’m going to beat you like a red headed step child! (COLAIACOVO punches WHITE in the head.) OW! AH! I think I just broke my hand!