Maple Leafs Chat: The Team Learns about Racial Sensitivity

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
SonOfaMitch: So Coach, do you have any inspiration words for our next game?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Look, I’ve given all of you every motivational angle I can think of. I’ve tried every strategy the fan forums suggest sort of taking you all out back and shooting you in the face. All of you already know what I’m gonna say. So, I’m going to go home, drink this big bottle of aftershave, put on some Journey, and cry my eyes out. Later, bitches
***I_Ron_Butterfly has left the chat room!***
SonOfaMitch: Oh, what the fuck?
NazDaq: Well, we can always try harder and make improvements and stuff, right?
KomiKazi: Right, but this recent streak is really damn depressing.
NazDaq: You know what always cheers me up? Tacos. Tacos rule.
KomiKazi: Tacos are awesome, aren’t they?
SonOfaMitch: Yeah, Kadri, you’d know, like, how to make the best tacos in the world, wouldn’t you?
NazDaq:..Wait, what?
SonOfaMitch: Well, don’t you people eat, like, lots of tacos and burritos and stuff?
KomiKazi: What the hell is going on?
NazDaq: What do you mean “you people”?
SonOfaMitch: You oughta know…Mexicans.
KomiKazi: What the hell?
NazDaq: Dude...what makes you think I’m Mexican? I’m not Mexican.
SonOfaMitch: Sorry if I was offensive, man. It’s just…sometimes I get Mexicans and Indians mixed up.
NazDaq: I’m not Indian either.
KomiKazi: He’s right. He likes steak and he doesn’t know shit about computers.
NazDaq: No, you guys. I’m Canadian and Lebanese.
SonOfaMitch: Lebanese? So uh….does that mean you have to, like, scissor? Or something?
NazDaq: What the hell is wrong with you?
KomiKazi: Nah, Johnny, you’re thinking of a lesbian. Not a Lebanese. Unless there’s such a thing as a Lebanese lesbian ….
SonOfaMitch: You mena like Selma Hayek?

NazDaq: Look, guys, I think I need to head out. Later.
KomiKazi: Later!
SonOfaMitch: Good luck with your, uh, softball?
NazDaq: SHUT UP, MITCHELL!

Maple Leafs Chat: Tim Brent, Love Doctor

***Welcome to the Official Chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KesselRun81Parsecs: You guys think that Dion and Colby will like these get-well cards?
Bozak_Attack:  Of course they’ll like ‘em. Do you think this is too much glitter?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, it’s good for glitter. But you might want some more macaroni.
Bozak_Attack:   Well, stop eating it all then!
TimmyBrentron: Guys, why are we the only ones at this card making party?
Bozak_Attack:   I figured more guys would come in. Maybe they just have, like, kids and families and stuff.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Wow, Tim! Your card’s really cool! Is that a popup or something?
TimmyBrentron: Well, technically it’s just a pull tab. See, you pull this tab here, and the little Leafs guy punches Sean Avery in the face!
Bozak_Attack:   That is so awesome! How did you learn to make stuff like that?
TimmyBrentron: Sometimes on road trips I have really bad insomnia. Crafting stuff is a pretty good way to relax me. I used to knit, but airport security kept taking away my needles.
***MaiHartWillDion has entered the chat room!***
MaiHartWillDion: Guys, this sucks. Elisha and I had our first really big fight and she kicked me out.
Bozak_Attack:  Holy shit, you guys had a big fight? Haven’t you two been together like 5 years or something?
TimmyBrentron: And isn’t that your place anyway?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Maybe one of us should check on Elisha…
Bozak_Attack:  No, Phil! I shouldn’t even have to explain to you why that’s a bad idea.
TimmyBrentron: He has a point—you know, two sides to every story and all. Dion, would you be ok with me doing some mediating?
MaiHartWillDion: Well, yeah. I mean, she already kicked my crippled ass out on the cold, dark street—I don’t think you can mess it up any more than I did.
***Welcome to MaiHartWillDion’s place!***
Cuthbert_Island: What do you want?!
TimmyBrentron: Elisha, Dion says he wants to talk, if you’re ok with it. I can be a mediator.
Bozak_Attack:   You sure you know what you’re doing?
TimmyBrentron: I’ve done a lot of reading on this sort of thing.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Really? Why?
TimmyBrentron: You gotta do something on those long bus trips. Ok, now..Dion, how do you feel?
MaiHartWillDion: I kinda feel like an asshole.
Cuthbert_Island: You should feel like an asshole!
TimmyBrentron: Elisha, that’s  not constructive.
Cuthbert_Island: FINE. I feel like…I need some reassurance and more emotional sensitivity. I feel like I need Dion to open up to me more.
MaiHartWillDion: And I feel like I kinda want to do that, but if I open up too much emotionally, then that’s a threat to my masculinity and individuality. But I would like to…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Holy shit…that’s deep.
Bozak_Attack:   Those are a bunch of words I never, ever expected Dion to say.
Cuthbert_Island: Dion…I’m so sorry. I don’t even know why we were fighting.
MaiHartWillDion: I love you baby!
Cuthbert_Island: I love you so much!
***MaiHartWillDion  and Cuthbert_Island have engaged in Sloppy Makeouts!***
TimmyBrentron: Bitchen, it looks like my work here is done.
Bozak_Attack:   Yeah, let’s play some Rock Band or something.
TimmyBrentron: Cool.
MaiHartWillDion: PHIL, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sorry, Dion.

Maple Leafs Chat:When the steaks are high

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, you guys know what I miss most about Montreal?
KesselRun81Parsecs:  The strippers?
ButtonsAndBeauch: Buying beer at the gas station?
SchennSational: Warming your hands on a freshly-lit car fire?
KomiKazi: OK, fine, those things are also great. But what I really miss are the steaks.
ButtonsAndBeauch: What about the steaks? What’s so special about it?
KomiKazi: It’s just got all of these spices and stuff.  It’s amazing!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Dude, you can just buy it in stores and make steaks at home.
KomiKazi: Get out of here! You mean you can just BUY Montreal steak seasoning?
SchennSational: Well…yeah.
KomiKazi: You must not be able to buy it in Canada, right? I mean, it’d sounds pretty stupid to call it “Montreal steak seasoning”   when you’re so close to Montreal. Kinda like how they don’t call it New York Strip Steak in New York, right?
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’ve seen it before. Sometimes it’s just “steak seasoning” but sometimes they mark it as “Montreal seasoning.”
KomiKazi:…
KomiKazi: You guys…this changes everything, you guys.
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Sometimes I like putting it on my baked potatoes. It’s tasty.
KomiKazi: OMIGOD! I never knew you could do that! But is it actual steak seasoning? I always thought there were special spices, like tears of French people or something.
SchennSational: I’m gonna default to Beauch on this one.
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’d say it’s pretty tasty.
KomiKazi: I’m gonna go to the grocery store and get like a 10 pound sack. I’ll get one of those smaller bottles and keep it on me so I can have Montreal steak all the time!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  You don’t wanna do that, ya know. Ya don’t wanna overdo the awesomeness.
SchennSational: Kessel’s right, you have to do stuff in moderation and such.
Grab_Bag: Hallos. You know what I most miss of Montreal?
KomiKazi: What?
Grab_Bag: NOTHING!
Grab_Bag: /stabs fruit.

Maple Leafs Chat: Tuckered Out

BaadMuthaTucker: You know, I think it’s good for me to retire. Since I have the time, maybe I should make some amends with certain people…
***BaadMuthaTucker is calling PecaPickledPeppers!***
PecaPickledPeppers: Hello?
BaadMuthaTucker: Hey Mike, it’s…it’s Darcy. How’s it going?
PecaPickledPeppers:…Who?
BaadMuthaTucker: Darcy Tucker. We played on the Leafs a bit before you got injured again? I meant to hang out with you more, but then you got injured and we left for other teams, so I kind of lost contact.
PecaPickledPeppers: Uh, yeah…sure.
BaadMuthaTucker: Anyway, I figure since I’m retired now, I can finally bury some hatchets.
PecaPickledPeppers: wait, you’re retiring?
BaadMuthaTucker: Yeah, I figured it was about time. My back and knees and such couldn’t keep me going the way I wanted to.
PecaPickledPeppers:…
PecaPickledPeppers YOU’RE complaining to ME about knees?
BaadMuthaTucker: Oh right, sorry. That was in bad tastes. So, uh…what are you doing now?
PecaPickledPeppers: I’m in broadcasting now. It’s OK. It’s a lot of work to do, but it’s exciting, I guess.
BaadMuthaTucker: Oh, neat! How is that going?
PecaPickledPeppers: The hardest part is only living on an apple, some rice, and unlimited black coffee a day.
BaadMuthaTucker: Why are you doing that? I’m pretty sure that’s anorexia, Mike.
PecaPickledPeppers: I gotta stay sharp for the camera. Did you know I weigh 125 pounds? God, I’m such a Fatty Fatkins McFatass.
BaadMuthaTucker: Holy shit, Mike. I’m not a doctor, but I’m really, really sure you need some sort of help for that. Are you sure you don’t want to play golf or something, just to talk?
PecaPickledPeppers: Listen, I uh, have to go. I think I broke my wrist…again. Talk to you soon?
BaadMuthaTucker: Any time you need to talk, Mike, I’m here.
PecaPickledPeppers: /hangs up
***BaadMuthaTucker is calling Tie_Fighter!***
BaadMuthaTucker: Tie! It’s Darcy! How’s it going?
Tie_Fighter: It’s fine, Darc. I’m keeping busy on Battle of the Blades and such.
BaadMuthaTucker: Is that the ice skating show like Dancing with the Stars?
Tie_Fighter: Pretty much. I’m kicking ass and taking names.
BaadMuthaTucker: Yeah, that sounds like the Tie I know! You want to go golfing or something?
Tie_Fighter: I dunno, I’m pretty busy…I guess I’ll have to do a raincheck.
BaadMuthaTucker: Nah, it’s ok. See you later!
Tie_Fighter: /hangs up
***BaadMuthaTucker is calling AveryGoodTime!***
AveryGoodTime: Hello?
BaadMuthaTucker: You’re a little shithead.
BaadMuthaTucker: /hangs up
BaadMuthaTucker: Man, that never gets old.

Maple Leafs Chat: Stache-Dance, What a Feeling!

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Well boys, I’ve been watching you in the preseason, and I have to ask, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?
MaiHartWilDion: Coach Wilson, if I may suggest something as captain…
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: IT’D BETTER BE GOOD!
MaiHartWilDion: I think the reason we’ve been underperforming is…we need to grow bitchen’ staches.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY:…
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: FOR FUCK’S SAKE—
KesselRun81Parsecs: Dude, I’ve always WANTED a bitchen’ stache!
Komi_Kazi: Yeah, moustaches for all!
Hey_Kule_aid: /stares blankly ahead
Caputi_Call: Yeah, we can grow staches and look like firefighters!
MonstersBall: Or somebody’s dad!
Komi_Kazi: We can even do it for cancer stuff. It’ll be great!
Death_Kabs_4QT: Excuse me, but I do not understand how growing moustaches will help our game.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Well, Kabbie, you would kinda look like Freddie Mercury if you had a mustache.
Death_Kabs_4QT: …and that’s awesome.
BrownGoesBrown: I think I can help you guys out here…
Komi_Kazi: Wait, who are you?
BrownGoesBrown: I’m Mike Brown. I’ve been playing with you guys this whole preseason.
MaiHartWilDion: Nah, you can’t be Mike.
BrownGoesBrown: Why not? I’ve been Mike my whole life!
MaiHartWilDion: Nah, it’s just that we already have a Mike, We can’t have two Mikes. People will get confused. Your new name is Sprinkles.
Komi_Kazi: Sprinkles…I like it.
BrownGoesBrown: But why do I have to be Sprinkles?
Komi_Kazi: I was Mike before you were.
BrownGoesBrown: O..kay, but why Sprinkles?
MaiHartWilDion: I dunno. I figure it’s funny to be able to say stuff like “Good goal, Sprinkles!” and “Kick his ass, Sprinkles!”
BrownGoesBrown: I think it might be a bit demeaning and insulting, is all.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Quit causing trouble, Sprinkles!
MaiHartWilDion: See, that’s why I’m captain.

Maple Leafs Chat: The Camp Prank

***Welcome to the Leafs’s locker room! ***
NOT_BOBBY: (WHISPERED) Luke, check out Versteeg’s stall, it’s gonna be great!
SchennSational: What? Why?
NOT_BOBBY: Shh! Shh! Here he comes!
NOT_BOBBY: /giggles
Versteeglicious: Who the hell put shaving cream in my shoe?
NOT_BOBBY: /laughing madly
SchennSational: Dude…seriously?
NOT_BOBBY: So Kris, how are those skates treating you?
Versteeglicious: Well, they felt ok, but they’ve been better. They would have been better if I had my right-handed skate lace puller.
NOT_BOBBY: /giggles
NOT_BOBBY:  Wait, what?
Versteeglicious: Yeah, back in Chicago Marian Hossa brought over a right handed lace puller from Europe and we all ended up using them. And you know what happened then…
NOT_BOBBY: Hmmm….
***Welcome to Canadian Tire Chat room! ***
NOT_BOBBY: Excuse me, do you have any right-handed lace pullers?
CANADIAN TIRE EMPLOYEE: Uh…my manager’s no here today….so….
NOT_BOBBY: Ah, fuck it
NOT_BOBBY: /punches CANADIAN TIRE EMPLOYEE
***Welcome to Grocery store chatroom! ***
NOT_BOBBY: Hey, do you sell right-handed lace pullers?
GROCERY STORE EMPLOYEE: What are you talking about?
NOT_BOBBY: Ah, fuck it
NOT_BOBBY: punches GROCERY STORE EMPLOYEE
***Welcome to Hair salon chat room!***
NOT_BOBBY: Do you sell lace pullers?
WOMAN AT HAIR SALON: Sir, this is a hair salon!
NOT_BOBBY: ….fuck it, I need a haircut anyway.
***Welcome to I_RON_BUTTERFLY’S office! I_RON_BUTTERFLY is on the phone !***
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: I want his dog dead. His family, dead. I want (sees ORR)…listen, I’ll call you back.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: /hangs up
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: So, Colton, what brings you here? Dead hookers? Punch the wrong guys?
NOT_BOBBY: Nah, Coach, do you know where I can find a right-handed lace puller? I’ve looked all over and I can’t find it anywhere.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY :…
NOT_BOBBY: What?
I_RON_BUTTERFLY : How retarded are you? There’s no—
*** SchennSational has entered the chat room!***
SchennSational : Coach Wilson, do you know where I can find a right-handed lace puller? Versteeg said it was really helpful last year in Chicago.
NOT_BOBBY: I think Canadian Tire sells them.
SchennSational: Thanks, man!
*** SchennSational has left the chat room!***
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: The hell just happened?

Maple Leafs Chat: Not The Beachcombers

photo source: 

http://entertainmentbuzz.info/2008/05/06/elisha-cuthbert’s-romantic-hawaiian-holiday/
Cuthbert_Island: Oh Dion, it’s so nice to have this little beach getaway before the season gets too crazy.
MaiHartWillDion: Yeah. Being the captain’s gonna be hard work, but I know that if I have you, I can do anything.
Cuthbert_Island: Awww…that’s so sweet!
MaiHartWillDion: Wait a second…who are those guys right over there?
Cuthbert_Island: Don’t worry about them.  They have just as much right to the beach as we do…
MaiHartWillDion: Ah, shit. It’s Mike and Phil. God damn it.
KomiKazi: Hey Dion, Elisha.
KesselRun81Parsecs: HAY GUYZ!
MaiHartWillDion: Hey Mike and Phil. What’s up?
KomiKazi: OK, listen. Sean Avery and I were trying to do a “What Not to Wear” type thing with Phil as our project.
Cuthbert_Island:  Wait, why were you hanging out with Sean Avery?
KomiKazi: We ran into each other the other night, started slinging back Jaegerbombs and Appletinis and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, we got into an argument and…Sean’s not here.
KesselRun81Parsecs: We had to defend your honor, Elisha!
KomiKazi: No, *I* defended her honor. You just held open the dumpster lid while I dumped in Avery’s bloody body.
Cuthbert_Island: Oh my God, YOU KILLED SEAN AVERY?!
KomiKazi:…I don’t think I did.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sean said he wanted to open a restaurant called “Sloppy Second Joe’s” and name sandwiches after you two. He said he’d make ‘em “with extra spunk.”
KomiKazi: Yeah, then he dropped a P-bomb and I kinda lost my shit.
MaiHartWillDion: P-bomb?
KesselRun81Parsecs: He called him a Polack, which I never knew was a bad word.
MaiHartWillDion: I thought Polack was that guy that did the dripping paintings.
Cuthbert_Island: You’re thinking of Jackson Pollack, he did the splatter paintings. Polack is a bad word for a Polish person.
KomiKazi: Thank you!  Now you know why I got upset.
MaiHartWillDion: You didn’t kill him, did you? I mean, Avery’s a pesky little shithead to play against, but killing him’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, Mike wouldn’t kill him. He’s just not as pretty as he was before, even if he wasn’t so pretty to start with.
KomiKazi: Seriously, you’d think somebody who spent that much time and energy on fashion and appearance would know what works and what doesn’t, but he just puts out a subpar product. I roll out of bed looking this fabulous.
Cuthbert_Island: So why are you two here, then?
KomiKazi: After we ditched Avery, we kinda looked at each other and said “Fuck it, let’s go to the beach.”
Cuthbert_Island: Well…wouldn’t you guys rather go back where you were? It’s all rocky and uncomfortable here.
Cuthbert_Island: /wink, wink
MaiHartWillDion: Nah, Elisha, I got this. Komi, Phil…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, Dion?
MaiHartWillDion: Continue cockblocking me and I will punch both of you in the throat. Okay?
KomiKazi: Ohhh…hey Phil, let’s uh…get ice cream.
KesselRun81Parsecs: YAAAAAY ICE CREAM!
MaiHartWillDion: See you guys!
Cuthbert_Island: Bye!
KomiKazi: Later!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey Mike…was I the only person back there to not whatsits with Elisha?
KomiKazi: Pffft, I was doing the Cuthbert back when it was underground and cool. Now, not only would you be a bandwagon-jumper, Dion would gut you like a fish.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, geez.

Maple Leafs Chat: Phil and Tyler’s Excellent Adventure

Photo Source: Talksports.net

KesselRun81Parsecs: Tyler, while I agree that our team will be most triumphant, the truth is, the Toronto Maple Leafs will never be a super team until we can get other high scorers.
Bozak_Attack: Yes, Phil. But I do not believe we will have high scorers until we can get our defensive log jam cleared up.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Tyler, it is pointless to clear up our defensive squad before we can even do well on powerplays
Bozak_Attack: How can we have decent power plays when we can’t even win faceoffs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: That’s why we need high scorers.
Bozak_Attack: Excellent!
KesselRun81Parsecs:Excellent!
Bozak_Attack: /fist pump
KesselRun81Parsecs: /fist pump
Bozak_Attack: What do you think, Dion?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, D. How do you think this year’s squad will compare to past Leafs?
MaiHartWillDion: Everything is different, but the same. ..we’ll be more moderner than before..bigger, and yet faster…it’s computers and Twitter…GO LEAFS GO!
MaiHartWillDion: /punches wall

Maple Leafs Chat: Curse Storm

KesselRun81Parsecs: You guys, I’m goin’ kinda stir-crazy from not playing hackey…
MaiHartWillDion: Yeah, I know what you mean. You can only work out so much before it gets to you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Uh, yeah, working out… that’s totally what I meant.
KomiKazi: Let me guess, you’ve been drinking beer, eating doughnuts and playing Xbox since the last practice went out, haven’t you?
Schenn_Sational: Mike, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?
KomiKazi: What? It’s freakin’ hot out here, and shirts hinder my ability to have the most intense workouts ever.
KesselRun81Parsecs: And to answer your question, no, I have not been just playing Xbox.
MaiHartWillDion: It’s true. I can verify that Kessel’s a PS3 man, through and through.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Gah, Mike, quit bein’ such a mother douchebag!
KomiKazi:..Douchebag?
KesselRun81Parsecs: I’m sarry about douchebag, Mike, I got low blood sugar.
Schenn_Sational: Geez, I hate “douchebag”. It has no meaning to it.
MaiHartWillDion: What are you talking about?
Schenn_Sational: It’s just “douchebag” gets thrown around so easily, it loses the intensity. The guy that takes forever deciding what kind of coffee to get? Douchebag. The people in charge of BP who let all of that oil spill into the Gulf? Douchebags.
KomiKazi: Dirty cops? Douchebags
MaiHartWillDion: Anyone involved in “Jersey Shore”? Douchebags.
KesselRun81Parsecs: There are 6 billion douchebags on this planet right now.
Schenn_Sational: That’s exactly my point. “Douchebag” gets thrown around so readily, it might as well be another word for “human.” Someone needs to make a new swearword that’s stronger than “douchebag.” A word that means something.
MaiHartWillDion: Hell, we don’t have anything to do in the offseason besides workout and stuff. We might as well try.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Except we ain’t exactly Oxford dictionary.
KomiKazi: Nah, it’s no problem. Did you know that in French Québec TV, they use fuck and other English swear words, no problem?
Schenn_Sational: Really?
KomiKazi: Yeah, but you can’t use the church words. The French swears are still not ok but if you want to tell someone “fuck off” it’s ok. It’s something about how English swears are about shit and sex and the French swears are about church.
MaiHartWillDion: For real?
KomiKazi: Yeah. French people are weird. They got a different word for everything!
KesselRun81Parsecs: How can they understand each other, then?
KomiKazi: Beats me.
Schenn_Sational: Hmmm…now that I think about it, we do have a lot of shit and sex swears, and combinations of shit and sex.
KomiKazi: Which are totally gross together…but dammit, “shit” is versatile. What smells like shit? Where’s my practice shit? What the shit just happened in here? Plus, everyone shits, so it’s not sexist or racist or anything like that.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Whatever we use should have “ass” in it. Ass is a solid curse word and part of bigger words.
MaiHartWillDion: So “Shitass”? I dunno, it doesn’t seem very inspired.
Schenn_Sational: Maybe we can’t analyze and come up with a word. It’s just so contrived and forced. No, it has to be organic and…flowy.
KesselRun81Parsecs: That’s why douchebag works so well. It has no meaning, but it just flows and it fits.
Schenn_Sational: I got it! Everyone finish this sentence: “Chris Neil is a …”
KesselRun81Parsecs: Assbutt?
KomiKazi: Shit-twiddler?
Schenn_Sational: Dork Monger?
MaiHartWillDion: Douchebag
Schenn_Sational:/siiiigh….

Maple Leafs Chat: Betcha Can't Eat Just One

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey guys! I just found out they got Cadbury crème eggs out again!
MaiHartWillDion: Dude, crème eggs have been out for like, at least a month.
MonstersBall:  Cream and eggs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah! I got a box of a hundred of them. Have some, Jonas!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know if I should…
MaiHartWillDion: Come on, Jonas. They’re like awesome wrapped in chocolate.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Doncha have these in Sweden?
MonstersBall:  We do, it’s just that my mother would never let me have any. She said they had far too much sugar in them.
BallinToTheWallin: He’s just worried about what his mommy might say.
MonstersBall:  …
MonstersBall:  My mom’s dead, you asshole.
BallinToTheWallin:  Oopsie doodles.
MaiHartWillDion: Seriously, dick move, man….
BallinToTheWallin: Well, my mom said the same thing. She said something so messy couldn’t be good for you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, come on guys. Sweden’s all the way in Russia or something.
MaiHartWillDion: And Rickard, you’re almost 30, for God’s sake. You have to cut the cord sometime.
MonstersBall:  This is good point.
BallinToTheWallin: Oh well…bottoms up, I guess
***Several hours later, at Hooker Harvey’s…***
KomiKazi: Jonas? Wallin? Are you guys OK? Wake up, guys!
MonstersBall:  AHHHHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
BallinToTheWallin: COBRAS!
KomiKazi: It’s me, Mike Komisarek. What are you guys doing in this burger joint full of hookers?
MonstersBall:  What are YOU doing here?
KomiKazi: I , er, uh….shoulder rehab always gives me the munchies for something greasy and delicious.
BallinToTheWallin:  The stuff here isn’t good for your body at all.
KomiKazi: It’s good for the soul, Wallin. And you still didn’t answer my question.
BallinToTheWallin:  I…I don’t know. Last night, Phil Kessel gave us a bunch of cream eggs—
MonstersBall:   Like a hundred cream eggs in a box.
BallinToTheWallin:  And then I ate one, and another, and some more, and then…
MonstersBall:  …then there were little foil wrappers all over the place and then it was light out and  we ended up here.
KomiKazi: Bullshit. Cream eggs don’t do that to anyone. Cocaine, absinthe or tequila might, but if that were the case you would be missing pants.
BallinToTheWallin:  I HAVE PANTS?
KomiKazi: Yes, you do.
MonstersBall:  I am aware of my pants.
KomiKazi: So wait, is sugar and chocolate like cocaine for you guys?
BallinToTheWallin: …
MonstersBall:  Maaaaaybe.
KomiKazi: Man, Swedes are weird. Wait a second. If you guys split a hundred eggs, how are you not puking or in a diabetic coma right now?
MonstersBall:  I don’t know. I just ate one and then some more and I just kept going.
BallinToTheWallin: DEAR GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!
KomiKazi: That’s a ketchup stand.
MonstersBall:  AHHH! NO!
KomiKazi: I know some people don’t like ketchup, but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
BallinToTheWallin: It’s a dwarf hobo! I think he’s opening a portal to Hell!
MonstersBall:  AND EATING A BABY!
BallinToTheWallin: /attacks ketchup stand with vicious slapfight maneuvers
Harveys_Manager: /throws BallinToTheWallin, MonstersBall:, and KomiKazi out of the Harvey’s
KomiKazi: Nice going, guys. Now I’m probably banned for life from Harvey’s. I didn’t even get to finish my burger.
BallinToTheWallin: WHAT IS ON MY HANDS?
MonstersBall:  Did he kill a hobo?
KomiKazi: /Rolls eyes
KomiKazi: Yes, Rickard. You killed a hobo. Just stright up, stone cold murdered a dude.
BallinToTheWallin: AHHHHH!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know you!
BallinToTheWallin: /wipes hands on every available surface
KomiKazi: Nah, I was just messing with you—
BallinToTheWallin: what will these hands never be clean?

Maple Leafs Chat: Meanwhile...

***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, being injured for the Olympics sucks.
MaiHartWillDion: At least you got picked. They didn't want me. It's sad.
KomiKazi: I know a lot of guys here are on vacation, but hey, there's no reason we can hang out. Maybe some NHL10 and some beers or something.
MaiHartWillDion: Can we do karaoke? I figgin' LOVE karaoke!
KomiKazi: Oh, ok. That sounds like fun! What kind of stuff do you do?
MaiHartWillDion: I figgin' love to sing Journey!
KomiKazi:...
MaiHartWillDion: What?
KomiKazi: Dude...
MaiHartWillDion:What's wrong with Journey?
KomiKazi: Look, there are only two kinds of people who listen to Journey: pussies and drunken sorority skanks.
MaiHartWillDion: Oh yeah, what kind of stuff do YOU listen to, Mr Kickass McAweseome pants?
KomiKazi: well, I kinda like Metallica...

MaiHartWillDion: Whatever.
StempOfApproval: GUYS! I just found something awesome on the Internet!
MaiHartWillDion: The Internet? There's porn there!
KomiKazi: Yay for boobs!
StempOfApproval: Check it out:

MaiHartWillDion: Holy crap...
KomiKazi: It's Journey...AND Metallica. And it doesn't suck! Kickass!

Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention

I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!



***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: OH HAI GUYZ
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Belfour_To_the_Floor: EDDIE BELFOUR! HOW’S YA DOIN!
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.

Maple Leafs Chat: Monster's Hospital

***Welcome to Montreal Hospital chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Hey guys, I really appreciate that you could come out here to visit Jonas.

NOT_BOBBY: Sure thing Coach. Gussy’s a great guy.

KesselRun81Parsecs: He’s a teammate AND a friend.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Wait, ‘ow do we know where he is?

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t have a clue, but I can ask this admin secretary woman where he is. Excuse me, I’m looking for a Jonas Gustavsson. I’m his coach, Ron Wilson.

Admin_Secretary: Let me check…Oh, we just moved him into pediatrics.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Why the Hell is he in pediatrics?

NOT_BOBBY: But he’s like six-three!

Buttons_and_Beauch: He’s 25!

Admin_Secretary: Apparently, they thought he was a malnourished teenager or something.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Well, he is pretty scrawny

Admin_Secretary: He’s in room 223.

***Welcome to Room 223!***

Monsters_Ball: Hey guys!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Jonas, are you feeling any better?

Monsters_Ball: I’m kind of tired, but I guess I’ll be ok.

KesselRun81Parsecs: I brought you what always makes me feel better: some ginger ale and a coloring book!

Monsters_Ball: Wow, Spiderman! Thanks. But all I have to color with is this blue pen I swiped from a nurse.

Buttons_and_Beauch: That’s why I got you zese markers, cuz Phil didn’t tink of dat.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Oh geez, I’m such a stooge!

NOT_BOBBY: And I got you…uh, it’s a newspaper. But maybe you can fold the pages into a bitchin’ pirate hat!

Monsters_Ball: You guys might want to keep it down. The girl I share the room with has cancer and she’s trying to sleep. Poor little Ava, she’s just seven.

Ava_CancerKid: It’s ok mister goalie man, I’m awake. Can I say hi to your friends?

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hi, Ava. I had a cancer once. Right in my testiculars, donchaknow,

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t think that’s an appropriate story for a seven year old girl, Phil.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Is dere anyting we can do to ‘elp either of you?

Monsters_Ball: I am fine, except I would really like a bed I can fit in. These pediatric beds only fit me if I chop off my legs at the knee. It’s annoying.

Ava_CancerKid: Can you hockey guys make it so that I don’t have cancer anymore?

NOT_BOBBY: I can punch your cancer out!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Colton, you can’t punch out cancer! You’re not that tough.

NOT_BOBBY: Awwwww, nuts! I wanted to punch someone out.

***Tosking_Heads, brandishing a bottle in a paper bag, has entered the chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, crap. Looks like Toskala found out where we were.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Tosk, you look like you haven’t slept in a few days.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Or shaved for a week.

NOT_BOBBY: Or showered in a month.

Tosking_Heads:…

Monsters_Ball: Oh, Hallo, Toskala. I like seeing you! How are you?

Tosking_Heads: The Vesssha hatsssh you shooo mush.

Tosking_Heads: /falls down

I_Ron_Butterfly: Wait a second--this isn’t even alcohol in this bottle. It’s just iced tea.

Tosking_Heads: Booshe makes my Vesha sho bloated.

Monsters_Ball: But the iced tea will keep you up all night.

Tosking_Heads: I knowsh.

Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.

Maple Leafs chat: Pot luck Party!

I want to thank Blindfolded Tank Driver for giving me the link that talked about the Leafs having team potlucks, which inspired this MLC

***Welcome to Garnet Exelby's House Chatroom!***
KomiKazi: Hey Ex, how’s it goin’? And I smell something really good here…
Mr. XLB: Ah, it’s my special chili!
KomiKazi: Well, what makes it special?
Mr. XLB: It’s the, um, the chili I make. That’s why it’s special.
KomiKazi: Sorry, man. It’s just that…after some time in Montreal, you learn there are just some places you don’t want to refer to something as “Special”, lemme tell you that.
Mr. XLB: Nah, I understand. What’s that you have?
KomiKazi: Uh, I brought…cups.
Mr. XLB:…
KomiKazi: AND napkins! Sorry, I’m not much of a cook. It was either bringing in cups and napkins or making my special Ramen dogs.
Mr. XLB: Ramen dogs?
Schenn_sational: They’re my favorite! You take hot dogs, and cook ‘em, then you take the ramen and boil it in the hot dog water and then you mix up the cut hot dogs and the Ramen and you put on hot dog stuff like ketchup and relish.
Mr. XLB: That…actually sounds kinda gross.
Shenn_sational: Oh. Well, I didn’t bring that, I brought in…uh…Coke. And Pepsi. And other drinking stuff.
DethKabs4QT: I brought my special Czech happy fun time cake! I hopes you all like it!
Mr. XLB: Holy crap, that’s a lot of butter!
DethKabs4QT: Butter is good for Czechs! It keeps us strong and healthy hair.
KesselRun81Parsecs: ‘Sup bros? Bras? Studs? Buddies?
DethKabs4QT: Who is that?
Schenn_sational: Uh, guy, I think you’re after the Lambda house party. That’s a few houses down—
Happy_Trails: No Luke, he’s not just some random frat boy. It’s Phil Kessel! Come on in, Phil!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, man. I know I’m kinda inviting myself over, but I figured I should get to know you guys some. I even made brownies for you guys!
Mr. XLB: Well, thanks, Phil.
KesselRun81Parsecs: I know, I know it was supposed to be defensemen makin’ shit, but I was all, “Man, if I’m new here, I gotta make a good first impression. Dress up n shit.”
DethKabs4QT: Did you…what is English word…for the thing and the collar?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, you better believe this collar’s popped!
Happy_Trails: Phil, only retards pop their collar. You look like a dog who got stitches and they have to put those cone things to keep them from eating it.
Mr. XLB: Whatever guys, chili’s done! Let’s eat!

***Several hours later….***

Schenn_sational: Man, ex, that was some good chili!
Mr. XLB: Thanks, Luke! I, uh….forgot what I was talking about.
DethKabs4QT: Phil, those were such great brownies. Thank you for bringing them.
KesselRun81Parsecs: No prob, brah. It’s some of my best stuff.
Happy_Trails: We do need to get you some better clothes, though. You should hang out with Toskala or something.
KomiKazi: Dude, or me. It’d be like “What not to Wear” except that chick you wanna punch in the lady bits won’t be there.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Toskala? Is he that goal guy who’s all ‘Laaike, I’m Vesa Toskala. I play Finnish goalie guy for hockey Leafs’?
Schenn_sational: Heeheehehee, you sound just like him. Frickin’ hilarious, man!
DethKabs4QT: Guys, why are we the only ones here?
Mr. XLB: Oh crap…I think I thought the pot luck day was today. It’s next weekend. Balls, man!
Schenn_sational: I dunno why, but I can’t stop giggling.
DethKabs4QT: You guys ever just, like, look at your hands? Like, LOOK at them?
Mr. XLB: DUDE! If you look at mine right, you see a sailboat!
Schenn_sational: I see a schooner.
KomiKazi: It’s a sailboat, dumbass!
Schenn_sational: A schooner IS a kind of sailboat!

Maple Leafs Chat: 400 BABIES!

***Welcome to Luke Schenn's Apartment!***

Schenn_Sational:Mmmm...what a great breakfast! Five dozen eggs, two pounds of bacon, six boxes of waffles and a gallon of orange juice always hits the spot.
***Jenna_Barfly has entered the chat room!***
Jenna_Barfly:You probably don't remember me, you pig, but--
Schenn_Sational: Lemme think....Jenna, accountant, and we met like a few months ago at the bar?
Jenna_Barfly: Wow...I, Uh...wasn't expecting that. Anyway...I was at the doctor's and it rurns out I'm pregnant!
Schenn_Sational: Pregnant?! But...that's not possible! We didn't have sex! We chatted a bit, had a drink or two, but...hell, I passed Grade 10 biology!
Jenna_Barfly: I don't know how, but I have here the official form saying I am indeed carrying your children.
Schenn_Sational: Let's see here..."Diagnosis: Patient is pregnant with 400 SCHENN BABIES"! But you...you can't carry 400 babies! You'd explode! You'd be like those people who are 700 pounds and they have to cut open the house to get them out.
Jenna_Barfly: Look, I don't know how it's possible, but that's what the doc told me. She even got in 3 other doctors and I peed on dozens of sticks and each one said the same thing: you're gonna be the first ever daddy of quadricentuplets.
Schenn_Sational:Any chance I could make some calls, get some advice and stuff? You can, uh...just sit on the couch there if you like.
Jenna_Barfly: Well, I could use a nap. Carrying 400 babies is kinda tiring. But remember: I'm a light sleeper and if you try to run off, I'll cut off your balls.
Schenn_Sational: I'll just be in the next room, then.
***The next room***
Schenn_Sational: Holy Crap! I hardly touched her! Who to call, who to call? This can't be happening, it's impossible! Inconcieveable!
***Schenn_sational has called A_Brayden_Grace!***
A_Brayden_Grace: Luuuuke! How's it going, bro?
Schenn_Sational: Not good, Brayden. This girl, Jenna, just came over and said she's pregnant with 400 of my babies!
A_Brayden_Grace: Ahhhw ha, man! Perfect Luke went and knocked up some random broad! I never thought I'd see the day!
Schenn_Sational: But what do I do? I didn't even have sex with her and the docs say she's definitely preggers.
A_Brayden_Grace: I dunno...do a reality show! "Jenna and Luke Plus 400...oops"
Schenn_Sational:Well, thanks anyway.
A_Brayden_Grace: Wait, you said you hardly touched her, and she's still pregnant?
Schenn_Sational: That's what her, a team of doctors and a dozen peed-on sticks say.
A_Brayden_Grace:...Do you think that's a Schenn thing? If so...Shit, I got some girls I have to call. Later, Luke.
Schenn_Sational: Later.
***A_Brayden_Grace has left the connection***
Schenn_Sational:Who else could help me? Coach Wilson? Well, it couldn't hurt...
***Schenn_sational has called I_Ron_Butterfly!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Schenn_Sational: Coach, I got a problem. I'm expecting babies.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Jebus H. Chirst on a pogostick, Luke. First Stajan gets hit in the face with a soccer ball, White sprains his mustache, Grabovski is making friends with Habs, now you're pregnant! Sweet merciful crap, this team is soft!
Schenn_Sational: No, I'm not pregnant. The girl's got 400 of my babies in her right now!
I_Ron_Butterfly: You knocked up 400 broads?! I know you're young Luke, but there's something to be said for having a night off! And if I were you, I'd be off to the clinic to have some tests done!
Schenn_Sational: No, Ron. It's one girl. 400 babies. From my sperm.
I_Ron_Butterfly: GODAMMIT LUKE QUIT MAKING SHIT UP! Call me when you have a real problem, like you hurt your elbow playing Guitar Hero, or you break your foot playing indoor soccer!
***I_Ron_Butterfly has ended the connection***
Schenn_Sational: well...when all else fails...
***Schenn_sational has called I_Ron_Butterfly!***
Mama_Schenn:Luke! Honey, how are you? I miss you so much, baby.
Schenn_Sational: Mom, I need advice. There's a girl and she says she's pregnant and....I'm the daddy of her 400 babies.
Mama_Schenn: Oh, how wonderful! I'm gonna be a grandma!
Schenn_Sational: Mom, it's 400 babies! How am I gonna take care of 400 babies? I don't even know how I'd name them. I'd have to put in eartags like they do with cattle.
Mama_Schenn: Luke, honey, don't worry. Schenn babies are self-sustaining.
Schenn_Sational:Really?
Mama_Schenn: Why yes...I remember when you came out, you had a little stick and a pair of skates on. You body checked the doctor before he could even cut the cord.
Schenn_Sational: But 400 babies...mom, is that a normal Schenn thing? That shouldn't even be possible!
Mama_Schenn: Luke, why do you think your dad and I waited between your brother and your sister? A woman can only handle so much.
Schenn_Sational: So you're saying...I might have several hundred siblings who are also awesome?
Mama_Schenn: ...
Schenn_Sational: Mom?
Mama_Schenn: OH...I think I have a roast in the oven that needs to come out NOW. Love you honey!
Schenn_Sational:...Never mind.

Maple Leafs Chat: ESL 101

***Welcome to Stajan's Place, playing NHL '09 chat room!***
StajanNotCajun: I scored on you, Johnny! Take that!
WhiteLightning: Nice! Can you fist pump in this game?
Schenn_Sational: Wait, guys...we're hockey players. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird we're playing...ourselves?
SonOFAMitch: Nah, it's not weird, 'cuz I can punch Matty in the face all day long and not get tired. It's awesome!
StajanNotCajun: Jerk!
***PoniRides4ABuck and Grab_Bag have entered the chat room!***
***PoniRides4ABuck has dumped off Grab_Bag!***
PoniRides4ABuck: SUCKERS!
***PoniRides4ABuck has left the chat room!***
Grab_bag: Allo Comerades!
WhiteLightning: Ah crap, Ponikarovsky dumped Grabovski on us! Matty, you got any papers you can put down?
SonOFAMitch: Fuck, I'm gonna get fuckin' rabies or something, aren't I?
StajanNotCajun: Come on guys! Grabbo's not a puppy or something, he's just Belorussian.
Schenn_Sational: Yeah, it can't be that hard.
StajanNotCajun: That's what she said!
Grab_Bag: I nos understands "is what she said." Mine english is no good, all broke to shit.
WhiteLightning: Well, what's so difficult to understand, Grabbo?
Grab_Bag: Is Luke who says that, and he has stubble, Adam's Apple, big hands...probably huge cock like horse. Luke is not she, all HE!
StajanNotCajun: "That's what she said" is an expression, it's not a literal thing. It's like...."raining cats and dogs"--cats and dogs don't actually fall from the sky.
Schenn_Sational: Basically "that's what she said" is a sentence that, if someone said it somewhere else, it'd sounds kinda...dirty.
SonOFAMitch:It sounds like something a lady might say before, during, or after you're fuckin' her.
Grab_Bag: But who am I fucking? Who is SHE? Do I pick? I pick...Carmen Electra!
StajanNotCajun: You don't need to actually fuck anyone for "that's what she said" to work.
Grab_Bag: Ahwww...I wanted the Electra...
WhiteLightning: No, Grabbo...like Matty said, it's not a literal thing. It's a pun--you know, a play on words?
Schenn_Sational:It's a pun on a few different levels...here, let me get some paper and a few different colors of markers...
***2 hours later...***
Schenn_Sational: Now, does that make any more sense, Grabbo?
SonOFAMitch: My head hurts...
StajanNotCajun: So much grammar...
WhiteLightning: I'm not sure I understand "That's what she said" any more.
Grab_Bag: A little more sense...no. Not really.
StajanNotCajun: Aw, screw it! I got Die Hard movies and beer. Those don't need much translation. Who wants to order pizza?
Grab_Bag: Yippee-Ki-yay, motherfucker!
Schenn_Sational: See Grabbo, your English is already getting better!

Maple Leafs Chat: In Search of Truculence

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now let's see...Christ. This D-Squad is such a log jam...
***BurkeBack_Mountain has entered the chat room!***
BurkeBack_Mountain: RONNIE MAKE ROOM FOR YOUR NEXT TOP FORWARD
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, at least it isn't another defenceman. Who did you get? Jeff Carter? Brad Richards? Some hot young prospect?
BurkeBack_Mountain: HIS NAME IS GUSTAV GUSTAVSSON JR.
I_Ron_Butterfly: I've never heard of him--is he from some Swedish league or something?
BurkeBack_Mountain: HE JUST WON THE WORLD STRONG MAN COMPETITION
I_Ron_Butterfly: Huh. Can he skate?
BurkeBack_Mountain: I DON'T KNOW BUT HE CAN PULL A TRACTOR WITH HIS TEETH! IF THAT'S NOT TRUCULENCE AND TESTOSTERONE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Testosterone? With all the steroids he's probably on? His testicles must be the size of Tic Tacs.
BurkeBack_Mountain: TRUCULENCE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Are you...are you feeling OK, Brian? You seem a little...off.
BurkeBack_Mountain: I'VE BEEN EATING NODOZ AND DRINKING RED BULL AND WATCHING VERSUS FOR THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS!
I_Ron_Butterfly: That sounds incredibly unhealthy, Brian. Tell you what--book yourself a hotel room and just sleep for about 4 days, and I'll come water your plants and feed your fish and stuff for you. OK?
BurkeBack_Mountain: NEED MORE TRUCULENCE!
***BurkeBack_Mountain has left the chat room!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: Hanta yo, Burkie.

***PoniRides4aBuck has entered the chat room!***
PoniRides4aBuck: Hi, CoachRonWilson!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei! What the Hell are you doing here?
PoniRides4aBuck: Because you are best coach ever, I make you brownies with caramel and peanut butter.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Get out of my office, Alexei! Leave the brownies, but get out of here!
PoniRides4aBuck: OK, CoachRonWilson!
I_Ron_Butterfly:And another thing-- quit calling me "CoachRonWilson!" Just "Coach" or "Ron" is fine.
PoniRides4aBuck: Whatever you say, CoachRonWilson.
***PoniRides4aBuck has left the chat room!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: Hanta yo, Alexei. I hope you like Nashville.

Maple Leafs Chat: Welcome to HOTlanta

***Welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs Chat room!***
PoniRides4ABuck: Oh, hi, TomasKaberle.
DeathKabs4QT: Hi Poni.
PoniRides4ABuck: Are you sad? You seem sad.
DeathKabs4QT: I don’t know. Maybe. Pavel was here for only 3 or 4 years. Is not long at all for a team. And he was such trouble, always shedding like cat. So much hair.
PoniRides4ABuck: I know! Nik always leave room and it look like tornado hit it.
DeathKabs4QT: We’ll be fine. They have good times ahead in Atlanta.
PoniRides4ABuck: ...
DeathKabs4QT:...
***PoniRides4ABuck has started bawling his eyes out***
PoniRides4ABuck: It still stings!
***DeathKabs4QT has started bawling his eyes out***
DeathKabs4QT: I’ll still miss him!
***Grab_bag has entered the chat room***
Grab_bag: Are you both guys OK?
PoniRides4ABuck: Uh, yeah. Fine.
DeathKabs4QT: Totally not crying over departed team mates.
PoniRides4ABuck: I have allergies and a cold.
DeathKabs4QT: And I was chopping onions and then eating onions earlier.
Grab_Bag: Oh.
***Welcome to the Atlanta Thrashers chat room!***
Pavel_Road: Hello? Anyone here?
Pavel_Road: /consumes Vicodin
Kovalchuk_Norris: Are you here to kill me?
Pavel_Road: Uh...no. I don’t think so.
Kovalchuk_Norris: Well, crap--I mean, good. Are you big guy from Toronto?
Pavel_Road: Uh, yeah. But my country requires me to do this.
***Pavel_Road has kicked Kovalchuk_Norris in the shins***
Pavel_Road: Sixty-eight! Sixty-eight!
Pavel_Road: /consumes vicodin
Kovalchuk_Norris: Fair enough.
Pavel_Road: I even bring little playmate for you.
Tim_Bit: Hi! I sleep in a drawer!
***Antrobot_80000 has entered the chat room!***
Pavel_Road:...Antropov?
Antrobot_80000: HOBO GUY! And you bring snack!
Tim_bit: Please don’t eat me!
Kovalchuk_Norris: Are you going to kick my shins too?
Antrobot_80000: No, is fine. What are all these people in Thrashers jerseys?
Kovalchuk_Norris: They are Thrashers fans! Very loyal!
Pavel_Road: They look like sacks of potatos in Thrashers shirts.
Kovalchuk_Norris: Season ticket holders! Other new guy--Don’t eat them!
Antrobot_80000: Mmmm potatoes.
Pavel_Road: You should cook them first.
Antrobot_80000: Ilya, your fans need butter.

Maple Leafs Chat: The Wonders of Livejournal

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs***

Schenn_sational: You guys, I can’t believe the season’s already over!
StempOfApproval: Yeah, it feels like I just got here—
Schenn_sational: Wait—who the hell are you?
StempOfApproval: Dammit, not this crap again.
Stajan_Not_cajun: OH. MY. GOD. YOU GUYS….
White_Lightning: What? Did you find more cute kitty pictures?
StempOfApproval: Matty does like cute kittys
Stajan_Not_cajun: You guys, I was on my LiveJournal today and—
Schenn_sational: Wait—Matt, you have a LiveJournal account?
StempOfApproval: What are you, a 14 year old girl trapped in a grown man’s body?
Stajan_Not_cajun: Well, where else am I gonna post my Twilight slashfic, SMARTASS? But you wouldn’t believe something I found! It’s about Luke…
Schenn_sational: What?
Stajan_Not_cajun: …and your brother…
Stajan_Not_cajun: …doing inappropriate things...oh my, this is …NOT SAFE FOR WORK AT ALL
White_Lightning: Like, lighting shit on fire inappropriate? Or what?
StempOfApproval: Are you guys getting drunk and yelling at cars like the Staals?
Stajan_Not_cajun: Oh no…Luke, this is hard to ask, but…do you regularly fuck your brother?
Schenn_sational: Dude, didn’t you say this a FICTION site? I mean, obviously, I don’t fuck my brother…
StempOfApproval: well, you could be. In theory…
Schenn_sational: but this isn’t true! It’s just some story! Brayden isn’t even of age there!
StempOfApproval: Oh yeah…Heaven forbid a little thing like age get in the way of gay incest! You know, your SCHENNCEST
Stajan_Not_cajun: Schenncest? It sounds like some 3 day festival featuring Explosions in the Sky and Kings of Leon.
White_Lightning: Why your brother, Schenner? Like, I bet you could walk into any gay bar in Toronto and have your pick of dudes.
Schenn_sational: Dangit, I am not gay!
White_Lightning: There’s nothing wrong with that, Luke. I mean, just based on numbers there have to be some guys in the NHL who are gay or bi. There’s what, over 700 players? You mean to say NOBODY is gay?
Schenn_sational: Gah, you guys! This is just some stupid story on the Internet! It’s not REAL! Matt, help me out here!
Stajan_Not_cajun: ….
Stajan_Not_cajun: OMIGOD I’M IN IT TOO!
Stajan_Not_cajun: Phew! At least I’m not fucking anyone.
StempOfApproval: Don’t worry Schenner, we’re just giving you shit.
White_Lightning: Yeah, you’re a popular guy, so people are gonna write weird stuff about you. It’s ok
StempOfApproval: Yeah, it’s not like you’re writing slashfic about you and your brother, right?
White_Lightning: Yeah, at least you’re not writing this kinda crap
White_Lightning: Oh…Sorry Matt.
Stajan_Not_cajun:

Edward was so bored with all these idiot mortals. He was so much better, than they were, and yet he kept wanting more to do with them. Oh well. At least in the deep, damp woods he could be more himself. “God”, Edward thought to himself, “I’m so pretty and sparkly and full of angst. I’m so hot and broody” Suddenly, there was a rustling noise. From behind a bush came Slash, the world famous guitarist for Guns N’ Roses. The two men stared at each other for what seemed like eternity. Edward felt a stirring inside of himself that he had never felt before with anyone else. The older man instantly understood. Slash approached Edward and with a grin, he said, “Kid, welcome to the jungle.”

"Oh", said Edward. All he could say was "oh."

Stajan_Not_cajun: oops wrong window lol.