Sunday, May 31, 2009

No Foil Stanley Cup Entry

This weekend I figured I would enter the Puck Daddy No Foil Stanley Cup Replica Contest. I tried making it 3D, but I discovered that newsprint-like construction paper, gluesticks, and scotch tape is not an easy medium to use to make a cup. As a result, I took a few sheets of the paper, glued them all together, and made a flatter Cup. Maybe I can give it to lil Lindros, so he can pretend to have something the real Lindros doesn't.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Year end Leafer Awards!

(SCENE: RON WILSON’s backyard. Multiple players for the Leafs are standing or sitting around a patio type place where WILSON and BRIAN BURKE stand next to a table filled with odd trinkets and other junk.)

RON WILSON:Ok you losers, I got an idea of what to do now that the season’s over. Burke and I are gonna give out team awards—
BRIAN BURKE: Even though all you shit sacks deserve is a swift kick in the ass!
WILSON: Whatever.
JASON BLAKE: Can we heckle people?
WILSON: We might as well. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m impressed with you guys today. I never imagined I could get so many of you here upright and wearing pants (A pair of pants is thrown at WILSON and BURKE)
FINGER: Simmer down, old man.
WILSON:OK, let’s get this silly pony show on the road so we can start drinking .
FINGER: Start drinking? I’ve been drinking since 9 AM.
IAN WHITE: I started at noon…yesterday.
FINGER: I’ve been shit faced for the past week.
BURKE:OK, FINE! First award is the Mount Failamajairo award.
WILSON: This award goes to the player who executed a fail so hard and so epic it’s almost a win. And this award goes to Matt Stajan for getting hit in the face with a soccer ball and missing two weeks.
BURKE:SO come on up, ya fuck faced alter boy! (MATT STAJAN comes to the “stage” and receives his award, which is a black leather bondage mask )

WILSON: Protect those pretty, pretty eyes, Matty.
WHITE: Matty, you so pretty!
STAJAN: Sure thing, just hold my beer so I can put this on (STAJAN puts on mask and sits back down)
WILSON: The next award is the Freddy Mercury award for enthusiasm and dedication to facial hair. This award goes to the player who, uh…does that, and that’s Ian White! (WHITE comes up and takes his award, a tshirt reading “mustache rides—50 cents”)
WHITE: 50 cents? My rides are worth at least a dollar.
STAJAN: You suck! Sit down, you freak!
CURTIS JOSEPH: Take it off! (WHITE begins suggestively dancing and miming taking off his clothing)
BURKE: CUT THAT OUT! Nobody wants to see that!
WILSON: Yeah, save the dick wigging for the after party!
JOSEPH: Somewhere, Jiri Tlusty just got cold chills.
JOHN MITCHELL: Oh man, THAT again?
WHITE: Oh man, I’ll just sit down now. (WHITE sits down)
WILSON: Next award is the Crazy Eyes award. This one goes to the craziest looking guy on the squad
BURKE: The Leafs thought they’d have to retire this after Darcy Tucker kept winning it every year, but this season a challenger appeared. So we dusted it off and we’re giving it to Mikhail Grabovski (GRABOVSKI comes and takes the award—a pineapple and a copy of The Shining.)
BLAKE:Oh, fuck you Grabovski!
JOSEPH: Take it off!
(GRABOVSKI says nothing, but accepts his award, gives the crowd a double peace sign the best he can and sits down.)
BURKE: OK, and now we have Boyd Devereaux who wanted to sing some bull shit hippie song or something.
DEVEREAUX: Well, you guys might know how I’m a big music guy—
JOSEPH: Take it off!
DEVEREAUX: Dude, that was only funny the first time. Anyway, here’s a little song I wrote for you guys
(DEVEREAUX: begins a long, looping acoustic guitar solo)
PAVEL KUBINA: What the hell?
STAJAN: Don’t quit your day job, man.
WHITE: Hipster douchebag!
TOMAS KABERLE: Your mother’s a dirty whore!
(DEVEREAUX abruptly ends his solo)
DEVEREAUX: Screw you guys! I’m out of here! (leaves)
BURKE: OK, slackers! Next award goes to player most likely to be living in a cardboard box, and that one’s for Pavel Kubina. SO come on up and get half a ham sandwich and a bottle of Mad Dog 20 20.
KUBINA: MMM. Ham. (receives his award and sits down)
WILSON: Now, this next award is for a player who has gained a lot of atten-SCHENN. He deserves recogni-SCHENN for all his act-SCHENN on the ice.
BURKE: In a year of suck, this player caused some jubila-SCHENN and celebra-SCHENN.
WILSON: In fact, I think he should have a big SCHENN-dig to celebrate his success in his first year here. So everyone, let’s give a bit round of applause to….JOHN MITCHELL
MITCHELL: Fuck yea! Awesome! (the rest of the guys are totally silent and shocked)
JOSEPH: …Why did you DO that?
BURKE: To mess with people. It’s not like I need a better excuse.
MITCHELL: Gimme six Schlitzes !
BURKE: We don’t have those.
MITCHELL: Ah fuck it, whatever’s free.
WILSON: Now Johnny, here’s your award—a pack of gum and a rubber band.
BURKE: We’re all outta crap to give you guys, so I’m getting the Hell out of here. Have a good night!
BLAKE: Bye Mr. Scary Irish man!

Be sure to tune in next time for the exciting part 2 of the 2008-2009 Year End Leafer awards

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Still alive, and with facts!

I get quite a bit of flack for being a Leafs fan Everybody knows
about how 1967 was the last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup, but they don’t
know much else. In an effort to help you all out, here are 10 Facts about the Toronto
Maple Leafs that I bet you never knew:

1: There isn’t a chin behind Pavel Kubina’s beard, only another stick that’s ready to
break at a bad time.

2: Vesa Toskala lost his virginity before his father did. That’s because Vesa Toskala is
a dirty slut.

3: Tomas Kaberle rubs his skin with a stick of cold, unsalted butter every day to
maintain his rosy cheeked-glow.

4: Luke Schenn was in a mall and accidentally bumped into a woman. Luke apologized
and left. Nine months later, Octomom happened.

5: Curtis Joseph avoids wearing pants whenever possible.

6: Lee Stempniak has a favorite color.

7: Despite his limited grasp on the English language, Mikhail Grabovski’s favorite TV
shows are “The Price is Right” and “Wheel of Fortune”.

8:Matt Stajan listens to Beyonce unironically.

9: Ian White’s mustache has no natural enemies, except a razor.

10: When he’s not on the ice or training, Brad May likes to eat a big bowl of Lucky
Charms while playing the game “Viva Pinata”.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Friday YouTube Yoinkage May 8, 2009

Well folks, it looks like this may be the last Youtube Yoinkage for a while. I honestly don't know when I will get a good enough web connection to view Youtube again. So this means today's theme is a look back at some of the videos that have really made this blog.

Clip one: How Alexei Ponikarovsky and Nik Antropov are like the Odd Couple. This vid has spawned so many inside jokes and each line is solid gold:

Ckip two: a fan vid of Max Talbot set to "Womanizer". It just kicks ass

Clip three: "Jozin z Bazin", which got me onto Czech classic rock

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Check it out!

New post over at Barry Melrose rocks, in which I interview Sidney Crosby. With packing and such, I may throw up a youtube yoinkage but for a while, posts will be sparse.


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