Time To Say Goodbye: Vesa Toskala

Oh, Vesa, Vesa, Vesa. I remember your first days as a Leaf. You got Andrew Raycroft out of Toronto. But then, you stopped being a goalie and started being more of a sieve.

Great Moments in WWoLD History:
All labeled adventures are here...had a nice chat with Ed Belfour...helped Andrew Raycroft through a hard time in his life...introduced us to the wonders of cooking with orphan meat...was a guest on the short lived Antropov and Poni Show...WAS A FINNISH STUD WITH A MANPURSE AND MICKEY MOUSE SHIRT...went to rehab thanks to Nik Hagman and Phil Kessel...crashed crashed Jonas Gustavsson's hospital stay...and almost got shot while being trapped in the closet.

What I Learned from Vesa Toskala:

I learned, laaaike, how to do funny accent voice. I also learned that, laaaike, if you laaike somezing enough, to laaike, go for it. And laaike with Matt Stajan, there is more to life than being really, really good looking

Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention

I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!



***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: OH HAI GUYZ
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Belfour_To_the_Floor: EDDIE BELFOUR! HOW’S YA DOIN!
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.

OMG WTF BRIAN BURKE

TWITTER GOING TOO FAST. EVERYTHING GOING TOO FAST WITH CALGARY! BRAIN CAN'T PROCESS! TYPING LIKE SHATNER IN ALL CAPS! BATMAN GIF IS MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW

There will be proper "Time to say goodbye" posts later, after the dust has settled, but until then ZOMIGOD CAN'T PROCESS

LOLeafs: not so nice edition

As always, original photos by Yahoo!

Holiday Kesstacular Part 4!

(SCENE: At the Leafs’ generic holiday party, where WAYNE PRIMEAU and ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY have started arguing)

WAYNE PRIMEAU: Look, Poni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just curious to know what people do for Christmas in Ukraine. Maybe you guys leave out virgins and fish sauce for Santa Claus instead of pickled eggs and beer like we do.

ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry WaynePrimeau, but I was thinking it was milk and cookies people leave for Santa, not pickled eggs and beer.

MATT STAJAN: I was always told milk and cookies.

LEE STEMPNIAK: Me too!

LUKE SCHENN: Milk and cookies here too!

PHIL KESSEL: I left out milk and jerky for Santa….maybe that’s why I never got that bike I wanted.

FRANÇOIS BEAUCHEMIN: In Québec, we leave out a can of Pepsi, some May Wests and a pack of smokes.

PRIMEAU: So wait…what you guys are telling me is that leaving pickled eggs and beer for Santa is weird?

THE OTHER LEAFS: Yes.

PRIMEAU: Hrmm. (shrugs shoulders) Ya learn something new every day, I guess. (NIK HAGMAN and JONAS GUSTAVSSON enter)

NIK HAGMAN: (worried) I just want to warn you guys….usually us Finns are really good with our liquor, but—

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: But not if you are Vesa.

KESSEL: But it’s only, like, eight o’clock. How is he drunk already?

HAGMAN: He must have started earlier, because all I saw him drink was, like, half a daiquiri. (VESA TOSKALA, holding a half-consumed strawberry daiquiri, bursts in the room)

VESA TOSKALA: (drunk, slurring and angry) Oh WHAAAAAAAAT Hagman? Are you talking about you smokin' hot wifey again? Jeeeeez what a surprise!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala, are you ok?

TOSKALA: You shut yer trap, Poni! I’m not the one who’s fallin down and shit on powerplays!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala is right. (sighs)

BEAUCHEMIN: Vesa, you ‘ave been acting like there is somesing wrong wit you. Is there somesing you need to tell us? Maybee you need to say…?

TOSKALA: Look big French dude, I jus’ wanna say…I jus’ wanna say somethings…I am not…gay! Ok? I am secure enough in my heterosezuaity that I can say “hey, that guy over there looks real nice” and, laaike, wear pink, and laaike, do this (TOSKALA deeply French-kisses STEMPNIAK) You see?

PRIMEAU: That makes no sense at all, Vesa. (TOSKALA trips over his own feet)

KESSEL: Hey Vesa, Hags, can we talk over in this other corner for a bit?

TOSKALA: Ya, why? (KESSEL, HAGMAN and TOSKALA go to a separate corner)

HAGMAN: Vesa, we’re pretty worried about you. This season, you’ve just been …

TOSKALA: I knows when I laaike had enough!

KESSEL: I don’t know if you do anymore. I’m worried about you, Vesa. I feel like you’re not the same guy anymore.

TOSKALA: You’s right. Laaike, Vesa’s suc a washed up hack-been (starts crying)

HAGMAN: No, Vesa, we can get you help.

KESSEL: Yeah! I know we can get you help. I know this great place!

TOSKALA: I’s not goings to rehabs!

KESSEL: No, it’s not a rehab place, it’s uh….

HAGMAN: It’s super exclusive night club! Let’s just get in my car, I’ll show you!

(HAGMAN and KESSEL load TOSKALA into a car and dump him in an emergency drug rehab centre, then return to the party)

SCHENN: So Stemper…uh…does the thing with Toskala mean…

STAJAN: Uh…how was it?

STEMPNIAK: Umm….well…a mouth’s a mouth, I guess. It kinda felt like despair and hopelessness, but that might have just been Tosk.

RON WILSON: (with plate of mini butter tarts) You boys enjoying the party? Here, have some mini butter tarts. (STAJAN, STEMPNIAK and SCHENN are relieved at the distraction from a very awkward conversation)

STAJAN: Oh boy! Butter tarts!

STEMPNIAK: I just like the name. Butter tarts.

SCHENN: it's a good name and they are so tasty!

WILSON: Phil! Nik! Glad you two could make it.

HAGMAN: We were here earlier, but Phil and I tooks Vesa to alcohol place.

KESSEL: He was willing! He said so in the car.

HAGMAN: He also says you had a pretty mouth. So?

GUSTAVSSON: So….now I’s only goalie guys for Toronto? (starts looking a bit pale and weak)

STEMPNIAK: Oh no! Jonas! Is your heart exploding again? (GUSTAVSSON faints)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.

KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry!

Will Phil Kessel continue his inability to make a good difference in Toronto? Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to 2009's Holiday Kesstacular!

Maple Leafs Chat: Monster's Hospital

***Welcome to Montreal Hospital chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Hey guys, I really appreciate that you could come out here to visit Jonas.

NOT_BOBBY: Sure thing Coach. Gussy’s a great guy.

KesselRun81Parsecs: He’s a teammate AND a friend.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Wait, ‘ow do we know where he is?

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t have a clue, but I can ask this admin secretary woman where he is. Excuse me, I’m looking for a Jonas Gustavsson. I’m his coach, Ron Wilson.

Admin_Secretary: Let me check…Oh, we just moved him into pediatrics.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Why the Hell is he in pediatrics?

NOT_BOBBY: But he’s like six-three!

Buttons_and_Beauch: He’s 25!

Admin_Secretary: Apparently, they thought he was a malnourished teenager or something.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Well, he is pretty scrawny

Admin_Secretary: He’s in room 223.

***Welcome to Room 223!***

Monsters_Ball: Hey guys!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Jonas, are you feeling any better?

Monsters_Ball: I’m kind of tired, but I guess I’ll be ok.

KesselRun81Parsecs: I brought you what always makes me feel better: some ginger ale and a coloring book!

Monsters_Ball: Wow, Spiderman! Thanks. But all I have to color with is this blue pen I swiped from a nurse.

Buttons_and_Beauch: That’s why I got you zese markers, cuz Phil didn’t tink of dat.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Oh geez, I’m such a stooge!

NOT_BOBBY: And I got you…uh, it’s a newspaper. But maybe you can fold the pages into a bitchin’ pirate hat!

Monsters_Ball: You guys might want to keep it down. The girl I share the room with has cancer and she’s trying to sleep. Poor little Ava, she’s just seven.

Ava_CancerKid: It’s ok mister goalie man, I’m awake. Can I say hi to your friends?

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hi, Ava. I had a cancer once. Right in my testiculars, donchaknow,

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t think that’s an appropriate story for a seven year old girl, Phil.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Is dere anyting we can do to ‘elp either of you?

Monsters_Ball: I am fine, except I would really like a bed I can fit in. These pediatric beds only fit me if I chop off my legs at the knee. It’s annoying.

Ava_CancerKid: Can you hockey guys make it so that I don’t have cancer anymore?

NOT_BOBBY: I can punch your cancer out!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Colton, you can’t punch out cancer! You’re not that tough.

NOT_BOBBY: Awwwww, nuts! I wanted to punch someone out.

***Tosking_Heads, brandishing a bottle in a paper bag, has entered the chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, crap. Looks like Toskala found out where we were.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Tosk, you look like you haven’t slept in a few days.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Or shaved for a week.

NOT_BOBBY: Or showered in a month.

Tosking_Heads:…

Monsters_Ball: Oh, Hallo, Toskala. I like seeing you! How are you?

Tosking_Heads: The Vesssha hatsssh you shooo mush.

Tosking_Heads: /falls down

I_Ron_Butterfly: Wait a second--this isn’t even alcohol in this bottle. It’s just iced tea.

Tosking_Heads: Booshe makes my Vesha sho bloated.

Monsters_Ball: But the iced tea will keep you up all night.

Tosking_Heads: I knowsh.

Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.

LOLeafs: Welcome back edition

Year End Leafer Awards, Part 2

Part 1

(KABERLE re-enters the room with a half consumed bottle of tequila)
KABERLE: WOOOO! Let’s get drunk!
KUBINA:I don’t get it, He can drink beers at lunch, drink champagne all night long on NewYear’s Eve, and does vodka shots better than Lindsay Lohan. But when he drinks tequila…BLAKE: So are you saying tequila makes his clothes fall off?
KUBINA: Something like that.

STAJAN: You know something Whitey? I like beer.
WHITE: Mmhmm. Beer is good.
STAJAN: Yeah man, it’s like liquid bread.
MITCHELL: Dude, where the hell is Schener? I wanted to get him shitfaced!
WHITE:I know! That would have been hilarious.
STAJAN: (takes out phone) I’m calling him right now
LUKE SCHENN: Hello?
STAJAN: Schenners, it’s Matty. Why aren’t you here?
SCHENN: Where’s “here”?
STAJAN: The year end awards at Old Man Wilson’s place
WILSON: I heard that!
STAJAN: (To WILSON) No you didn’t! (To SCHENN) So, what’s so much cooler than hanging outwith us?
MITCHELL: Tell him I’ll put mu tongue in his ear!
SCHENN: I’m just in Switzerland and Europe, seeing some sights and stuff.
STAJAN: Whatever Schenny. Say hi to your mother for me. (hangs us on SCHENN, then gets another call) Hello?
WHITE: Matt, I dunno why, but I felt like I had to call you.
STAJAN: Dude, I’m, like, ten feet away. Just say something to me.
WHITE: Sure thing!
STAJAN:Say hi to your mother for me. (BOTH hang up. VESA TOSKALA enters on crutches due to his recent work/surgery. )
WILSON: Vesa! I sure didn’t expect to see you here!
VESA TOSKALA:Well, laaike, The Vesa almost missed you guys so I was laaike “You should go and say hi to them, Vesa.”
STAJAN: Vesa, did you...bedazzle your crutches?
TOSKALA: Well, yanno, when you’re injured, you kinda get bored, so you, laaike, do some crazy things.
WHITE: Is that why you shaved your head?
TOSKALA: Ya, besides, it’s laaike summer already and it gets hot here, unlaaike in Finland. KUBINA: TOMAS! What are you doing?!
KABERLE: SHH! I’m talking to Freddie Mercury! He says he can take me to the Seven Seas ofRhye! Isn’t that awesome?
KUBINA: But--You’re drinking tequila, not rye! You’re not making sense.
KABERLE: We’re here! (attempts to sing the piano intro to Queen’s “Seven Seas of Rhye”.) BLAKE: Kabbie, that’s not a sea. That’s a kiddie pool filled with ice, beer and various winecoolers.
KABERLE: WOOO! (jumps into kiddie pool) It’s such COLD rye, Freddie! (attempts to sing aterrible English/Czech/Drunk slurred version of “Seven Seas of Rhye” while pretending to swim)
BLAKE: Holy crap, Kubina, what did you put into his drink?
KUBINA: NOTHING! I put nothing in his drink! My drink drugging days are over!...Besides all Ihad on me were some Tic-Tacs.
KABERLE: I swear you’ll soon be miiiine...I take you to the seven seas of Rhye! (KABERLE trips over the edge of the pool, falling face first onto the ground)
STAJAN: Kabbie!...THE BEER! Is it ok?
WHITE: The beer is fine, and so is Kabbie...JERK.
KABERLE: Freddie, that was not not cool.
BLAKE: Hey Kabbie, do you know what would be really nice? It’d be really nice if you got somewater or maybe something to eat to go with your tequila.
KUBINA: Oh, he didn’t have that much, just (grabs halfs empty tequila bottle) this much. BLAKE: How is he still standing?
KUBINA: Is Czech thing. We start training young.


Will Kaberle’s tequila-fueled trip be all that’s in store for him? Will there be any surprise guests?Be sure to keep reading for part 3 of the 2009 Year end awards!

Still alive, and with facts!

I get quite a bit of flack for being a Leafs fan Everybody knows
about how 1967 was the last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup, but they don’t
know much else. In an effort to help you all out, here are 10 Facts about the Toronto
Maple Leafs that I bet you never knew:

1: There isn’t a chin behind Pavel Kubina’s beard, only another stick that’s ready to
break at a bad time.

2: Vesa Toskala lost his virginity before his father did. That’s because Vesa Toskala is
a dirty slut.

3: Tomas Kaberle rubs his skin with a stick of cold, unsalted butter every day to
maintain his rosy cheeked-glow.

4: Luke Schenn was in a mall and accidentally bumped into a woman. Luke apologized
and left. Nine months later, Octomom happened.

5: Curtis Joseph avoids wearing pants whenever possible.

6: Lee Stempniak has a favorite color.

7: Despite his limited grasp on the English language, Mikhail Grabovski’s favorite TV
shows are “The Price is Right” and “Wheel of Fortune”.

8:Matt Stajan listens to Beyonce unironically.

9: Ian White’s mustache has no natural enemies, except a razor.

10: When he’s not on the ice or training, Brad May likes to eat a big bowl of Lucky
Charms while playing the game “Viva Pinata”.

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 20, 2009

This week's theme is Vesa Toskala, Finnish stud

Clip one: honestly, you can't have a Toskala clip show without a mention of Mickey Mouse Shirts and mahnpurrses:

Clip two: Vesa Toskala gives a very odd interview in Finnish:


Clip three: Vesa Toskala shows how terrible he is at bowling:

Antro and Poni super Awesome show!

(note: the following video of how Nik Antropov and Alexei Ponikarvosky are so different kind of inspired Jaredoflondon and I to write this. Glove tap to Jared)


(SCENE: ANTROPOV, PONIKAROVSKY, and TOSKALA are sitting on some folding chairs in Nik Antropov’s basement. A video camera is set up on a tripod filming them.)
ANTROPOV:Hi I am Antropov!
TOSKALA: who are you laaaike, talking to?
ANTROPOV: Is start of show! to audience!
TOSKALA: Wat audience?
PONIKAROVSKY: Oh yes, Hi I is Alexi!
ANTROPOV: Welcome to "the Super Awesome Antro and Poni Show that is good"
PONIKAROVSKY: We have awesome guests like Vesa Toskala and Jasonblake doing a spinny thing.
TOSKALA: I thought you laaike saaaid this would be a show, where is the chrowd? Is that Jiri's Camera? I rheeckognize if from laaike....nevehermind
ANTROPOV: it is small sho, underground
PONIKAROVSKY: we's even in basement for it
ANTROPOV: shut it Poni
PONIKAROVSKY: no Nik, stop it
ANTROPOV:Is even catered. Alex, you call dominos yet? order cheesebourger pizza, is great!
PONIKAROVSKY: Nik, is your turn dis week
BLAKE: (from backstage, which is behind a shower curtain)Hey guys, when do I come out for the stupid animal tricks? You know, my spinny trick in the shootout and stuff?
ANTROPOV: we's no done wit vesa yet
PONIKAROVSKY: yes, quiet Jason Blake
BLAKE: quit calling me jasonblake. Just jason works
PONIKAROVSKY: but is your name, jasonblake, why you not like it when we call you your name? jasonblake
TOSKALA: is laiiike shake and bake
ANTROPOV:is good one, Vesa!
TOSKALA: So, when do we laaike get to talk about my cloths, i wore my laaike best micky mouse shirt
ANTROPOV:(looks at poni) Jasonblake, you is on now, do your spinny trick for camera
PONIKAROVSKY: Haha, like hamster wheel!
BLAKE:I don't know why, but people keep sending me this video of a hamster eating popcorn. I can't get that song out of my head
ANTROPOV:Hamster on a piano!
BLAKE: GAH I can't forget it it's burnt into my brain
ANTROPOV: is cute, little hamster dere
PONIKAROVSKY: is stupid, high voice is annoying. and where is dominos?
ANTROPOV: is not ordered yet, you has not picked up phone, cannot come if you not order!
PONIKAROVSKY: is still your turn! i bought last time
ANTROPOV:I buy, you order is how it goes, last time you buy i order you are ruining system
PONIKAROVSKY: Youse making stuff up! Ders is no system
ANTROPOV:Is clearly outlined in house rules, had serial killer college boy write up in english
PONIKAROVSKY: He noes kill people, i sees no bodies
ANTROPOV: Course he kills people, just looks like guy from show, show is messy, lots of bloods. Has lots of plastic wrap in car, told me they for leftovers, but is way more plastic wrap den one guy needs
BLAKE: Wait, are you guys talking about Dominic Moore? Well, he does kinda look like Dexter…nevermind, this is getting too weird, I’m out of here. (goes upstairs)
TOSKALA: uh guys is dat laaaike, de lenscap is still on?
BLAKE: (from upstairs) Sweet, who ordered the pizza?
PONIKAROVSKY: FUCK! Antro you forgot lenses cap is on
ANTROPOV: is not even mine camera! you forgots!
TOSKALA: Jason, what kind of pizza is it?
BLAKE: tastes like a hamburger...no a cheeseburger! (ANTROPOV And PONIKAROVSKY Look at each other)
ANTROPOV:I LIKES PIZZA
PONIKAROVSKY: I likes cheesbourgers...
ANTROPOV:how coulds you no like cheesbourgers?
PONIKAROVSKY: JASONBLAKE NO EATS OUR CHEESEBOURGERS PIZZA!
TOSKALA: I thought no one laaike ordered pizza, where did this come from?
ANTROPOV: Quite yous, you is spoiling moment
PONIKAROVSKY: is magic pizza fairy! (all run upstairs)
BLAKE: It was sitting right here on the table when I came up, there was a note too but the grease ruined it, the only part I could make out was love Pa Ku ina. What do you think that means?
ANTROPOV:Is Hawaiian pizza?
PONIKAROVSKY: is little white thing on dis piece, like tiny foot balls and is still good
ANTROPOV: I feels all tingly…
PONIKAROVSKY: Hawaiian cheesbourgers? Is weird is crazy!
BLAKE: here Vesa, have some magic pizza.
TOSKALA: I can't it laaaike wrecks my complexion
ANTROPOV:I can not feel my legs, pizza is good, dis reminds me of last time Hobo guy make us drinks
PONIKAROVSKY:jaaaaaayyyyyyaaaaasonblaaake, it feels funny on my tongue
BLAKE: I just realized your last name is Poni, like pooooony, you know the mini horse? poooony, whoa, the walls are melting
KUBINA:(watching through binoculars): excellent, plan is in effect
KABERLE: what you watching?
KUBINA: Uh...nothing, I thought you were looking at houses in Philadelphia
KABERLE: dat's just some dumb rumour in internet, is not true
KUBINA: Oh, I was all excited to meet dis Jeff Carter man, he look like he would enjoy nice roofie collada
KABERLE: roofie colada?
KUBINA: Is secret recipe. Yes, you had one last night, liked it much a lot. You no complain of your hand hurting anymore.
KABERLE: I don’t remember
KUBINA: That is point--you was so stressed I thought you'd like something relaxing (GRABOVSKI enters)
GRABOVSKI: Has you guys seen my pineapple? I was going to make crazy cake! is with pined apples and is upside down!
KABERLE: That is not cake, is mess, you just stab pined apple with big knife, is juice everywhere! Is sticky now
KUBINA: You say you was going to clean it, you not, maybe you need refreshing drink...for energy

Friday YouTube Yoinkage, February 13, 2009

today, I am doing odd player/associations

clip one: ok, so last night Wrap posted a picture stolen from Puck Huffers of Steven Stamkos
So naturally, I thought of "Special Olympics" by Stephen Lynch:


clip two:
(language NSFW), "Don't Cha" by Pussycat Dolls. for some reason, I can totally see Vesa Toskala singing this to himself during warmups when he thinks nobody can hear him:


clip three:
"Soccer Ball (In the Face)" by ParryGripp. Poor Matt Stajan, after your little accident, every time I see this I think of you and still laugh.

LOLefas: Tomatos eyes edition

So I need more time to type stuff up. Oh well, As usual, Yahoo! Sports for all the photos

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, January 16, 2009

Today, I have decided to dedicate FYY to three videos that have formed the comedic background of not only my writing, but the whole Barilkosphere.

clip one: Vesa toskala has some clohs he laaikes a LOT


clip two: Nik Antropov and Alexei Ponikarovsky are like the new odd couple, only with Russian accents and cheesbourgers


clip three: BACON YADA!

LOLeafs: easily distracted edition

Cooking with the Leafs

In the spirit of the holidays, I asked some NHL players to share their favorite dishes with their fans.

Tomas Kabele’s special Czech happy fun time cake
5-6 slice of bread (Kabby likes whole wheat, but white will do fine)
500 grams brown sugar
500 grams flour
4 eggs
3 kilos butter, melted
4-5 handfuls of gummi bears
Cinnamon (to taste)
A few mint leaves

1: combine all ingredients and mix until a sloppy paste.
2: Pour batter into a baking pan greased with bacon fat.
3: Briefly consider how you would look in orange and black; decide blue and white better fits your skin tones.
4: Bake Batter at 100 Celsius or until slightly solid.
5: To serve, sprinkle with additional gummi bears or butter, as desired.

Vesa Toskala’s Orphan stew*
*Orphans are freely available in Finnish supermarkets. However, if orphans are unavailable, cat, Chihuahua, or hippie meat will work just fine. Just note that using hippie meat may result in a positive drug test

2 kilos orphan meat
1 litre orphan blood
4 large potatoes, cubed
4 carrots, peeled and sliced
1 litre chicken broth (Finnish seawater will also work fine)
1 small onion (but make someone else cut it—The Vesa hates it when he cries)
Metric shittonne of paprika
Whole mess of salt

Combine ingredients in a slow cooker and cook for 7 hours or until orphan meat reaches desired doneness. While it’s cooking feel free to get a manicure, a haircut, or a new manpurse. The Vesa knows you’ve earned it.

Maple Leafs Chat: Stajan Needs a BFF

***Welcome to Maple Leafs Chat***
StajanNotCajun: You guys…
***StajanNotCajun’s status is now “I has a major sad”***
StajanNotCajun: Alex, Carlo, I miss you guys so much already! Why do all my friends keep getting traded?
FullSteenAhead: We’ll keep in touch, Matty . We’re good friends
Coco_puffs: I’mma be honest, I’m not good at facebook and stuff like that. It’s nothing personal Matt.
StajanNotCajun: This sucks so hard. St Louis might as well be in Russia or something. I mean, WEST conference? That’s like 3 times zones away
FullSteenAhead: I’m going to miss the Family Guy marathons and all the times your girlfriend “Accidentally” loaded your iPod full of Beyonce music
StajanNotCajun: I’m going to miss the pillow fights, even though you guys cheated all the time
White Lightning: How the fuck do you cheat at a pillow fight?
Coco_puffs: I’m going to miss filling Whitey’s skates with shaving cream and baloney…man, that feels like it was just yesterday
White_lightning : That was yesterday, you asshole!
Coco_puffs: It wasn’t me this time! I swear
White_lightning : Aww…I couldn’t stay mad at you…you’re like a big, cuddly splodey-boned Eye-talian teddy bear
Coco_puffs: Matt …maybe you should have auditions for your new BFF
StajanNotCajun: You mean like “the Bachelor” but with me looking for dudes?
FullSteenAhead: Yeah! You could try to find some new best friends
StajanNotCajun: Isn’t that just like if your kid’s puppy dies and you buy a new puppy without them knowing?
Coco_puffs: not really since you knew about it ahead of time
StajanNotCajun: What do you want me to do? Hand out roses or something?
FullSteenAhead: you could hand out beers.


**welcome to Find Stajan a New BFF Chat room***
FullSteenAhead: SO what kind of skills could you bring to the relationship?
Trusty_tlusty: mad BFF skillz… I haz dem
StajanNotCajun: such as…?
Trusty_tlusty: I heartz peellow fights n being in ur room eeting ur chocklets
StajanNotCajun: Ok, that’s always a plus.
Trusty_Tlusty : i haz mad photo skillzz 2. i'z full of mad skillz
*** Trusty_tlusty has just been sent down to the Marlies***
StajanNotCajun: Well, shit.
Shake_n_blake: I could be your friend, Matt! We have lots in common
StajanNotCajun: like what?
Shake_n_blake: like we both like hockey…and…uhhh…we’re really pale…and uhhh….I like stuff. DO you like…stuff?
StajanNotCajun: I’ll think about it, ok?
Tosking_Heads: The Vesa would like to be BFFs with you, MattStajan. The Vesa and MattStajan could be shopping buddies and stay up all night giggling and doing each other’s hair
StajanNotCajun: Uhhhh…ok.
White_lightning : Hey Matt, uhhh….
StajanNotCajun: yeah Ian?
White_lightning : Could I be your BFF? I mean, It's hard to believe…That I couldn't see you were always there beside me, you know, Thought I was alone With no one to hold—
StajanNotCajun: Dude, are you quoting “High School Musical” at me?
White_lightning : NO! I’d never do anything do wussy and stupid! Besides, how’d you even KNOW it was High School Musical, you a pussy or something?
StajanNotCajun: I wouldn’t, but I guess I just got lucky and guessed. It’s not like I’ve seen all of them seventeen times each or anything!
White_lightning : And I totally don’t fall asleep to the songs playing on a loop every night, wuss.
StajanNotCajun: you suck!
White_lightning : no, YOU suck!
StajanNotCajun: /lingering tension…

Secret Diaries: Andrew Raycroft to Join the Black Parade

(ANDREW RAYCRFOT is alone in the dressing room)

Christcakes I'm emo.

I can't say I'm all that surprised. Earlier I was reading my fanmail—3 today—and who wouldn't be depressed with letters like these:

“Dear King Asshat of Suckville, (I threw that one out right away)”

“Dear Andrew Raycroft, I'm writing this letter for my little sister. She says to tell you “ I love you Andrew Raycroft! You are the best goalie ever! You want to be my friend?” P.S.: my sister is blind and mentally handicapped. Go Sens!”

“Dear Mr. Raycroft, I am a career and guidance counselor at Christwagons Catholic High School. In my job, I evaluate people's abilities and recommend an appropriate job for them. Mr. Raycroft, have you ever considered joining a cult? They don't even have to pay taxes, you know. Even working on a hobby can improve a person. I suggest knitting (nooses) or jumping off bridges.”

Maybe they're right. Maybe I am just a useless husk of an imitation goalie. There's only one way I can possibly release all of this emotional tension (grabs razor blade, puts on Sarah McLachlan) Atta girl, Sarah...(singing as he cuts) In the arrrrrms offff an anngel, flyy awaaaaaayyyyyyyy fromm herrrreee (VESA TOSKALA enters, RAYCROFT tries to hide what he's doing and fails)

TOSKALA: What the hell are you doing? (Grabs RAYCROFT's hand) Down the Highway, NOT across the street. Idiot. (leaves)

RAYCROFT: may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comforrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt herrrrrrrrrree

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