Mikhail Grabovski's Secret Injury Diary: Part 2

Much peoples have been asking for new Grabovski injury update. Who am I to be guy to deny fans? Here is Mikhail diary two!

I was guest on Lee Stempniak advice show. He is very odd fellow. He has little black and white cat that is not real cat. Lee says the cat is harmless, but it stares at me with eyes of killer. Lee may be odd guy, but if he really want to pay Mikhail 50 buck to play pals, it is 50 buck I no have before. No problem for me!

On weekend, I go and see moviefilm “The Wolfman”. At first, I thought it was documentary of Phil Kessel or Jonas Gustavsson, but it is not. I have here review of movie film which may spoil things, so do not read if you care about movie.

“The Wolfman” star two fine actors—Sad Spanish Guy and Hannibal Lecter. Sad Spanish Guy is actor with daddy issues. Why he is not doing porno, like all other actors with daddy issues, I am not knowing. But anyway, Sad Spanish Guy gets a letter from his brother’s fiancée saying his brother has been found dead—ripped up and in terrible shape. So he goes home to England and his father, Hannibal Lector. Sad Spanish Guy has had some bad stuff happen to him before, like his mom looking like she killed herself, so family places is all sad but HUGE.

Since Sad Spanish Guy knows something is weird, so he goes to gypsy camp. Now, I know not of you, but I never hear of any book or movie where meeting with Gypsies was not bad news. I am sure Gypsies are OK in normal live, by they always bad things happen in books and TV. But then, the werewolf attack the Gypsies! The werewolf bite Sad Spanish Guy and he is in bad shape, but get stitched up. Then there are some weird visions and stuff.

The full moon come again, and Sad Spanish Guy finds out he is werewolf! He almost is hunted, but he rip the guts and shit out of a bunch of guys. Then Hannibal Lecter put Sad Spanish Guy in mental asylum, where he is tortured and a bunch of bad stuff. Then Hannibal Lecter tells a story and it turns out he is werewolf too! Then Sad Spanish Guy transforms and rips the shit out of a bunch of other guys. Then some time passes. Sad Spanish Guy go back home, the house catches fire, Sad Spanish Guy kill Hannibal Lecter (while they are both werewolves.) This whole time, dead brother’s fiancée has been trying to save Sad Spanish Guy. But on same night Sad Spanish Guy and Hannibal Lecter fight, she gets gun and silver bullets and shoots Sad Spanish Guy and that is end.

It was okay movie. It really look like Sad Spanish Guy was ripping the shit out of guys when he was wolfman. But both Sad Spanish Guy and Hannbal Lecter look like guys that needed naps. They both look like very tired guys. Then again, Sad Spanish Guy always look tired (and I think they had to shave him when he was wolfman.) But like, whole cast was so tired. They needed electrolytes or something. Maybe fruit juice.

Oh well. It is time to go to bed for Mikhail. Keep on rocking!

Mikhail Grabovski's Secret Injury Diary

Hallos folks! Is me, Belorussian Hockey man Mihkail Grabovski! Now, I knows you all asking, "Mikhail, how you type with broken wrist?" Well readers, I make talk to text thingy work for Mikhail, because Alexei Ponikarovsky cannot be translationer all the time. He tells me has things to do, like wash hair and do laundry. I think he is liar-face.

I check online and it says I in injured reserve with Mike Van Ryn, Wayne Primeau, and Tim Brent. First, I must be asking, WHO THE FUCK IS TIM BRENT? But Wayne and Mikey are nice guys, even if they are broken. The sounds of Mikey's iron lung are much soothing. Is good for me, as I have started meditation program to relax and heal better. Wayne says he could try but his knee is too hurty. In Belarus, he would have been shot, like horse, even though Belorussian bullets will not heal hurt legs.

But being injured is so boring! I still skate, but I am not allowed to shoot puck, so I have practice like half time. It means less time to make fun of Vesa Toskala for looking like liquor store bum. But I know, Vesa be best fashionable liquor store bum ever.

I start online diary to pass boredom, except my injured life is pretty boring. I watch Maury Povich for first time. It was a "Who is Daddy?" episode. I like how when the guy is not father, he does awesome dance. And then when lady is right and the guy is father, she does awesome dance. I have made note to never, ever upset Maury Povich woman, because she could probably rip off my head and eat me (if she does not break ears with yelling first.)

Last night I have strange dream. I was standing with woman in wheelchair and I had giant skate. These painkillers are brutal. Oh well. Almost as weird as that one with the pineapples. Time to relax and drink lots of juice. Keep on rocking! --Mikhail

Carlo Colaiacovo and the Ostrich of Doom

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone.

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is at a secluded Texas ranch.)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, it’s time for me to once again find a way to make myself more resistant. Today I have a real treat for you all as the extensive and often sketchy connections of MLSE have given me a once in a lifetime chance to train with the toughest man alive, Chuck Norris. (knocks on door) Hello? (CHUCK NORRIS answers door)

NORRIS: …Who are you?

COLAIACOVO: I’m Carlo Colaiacovo, the hockey player who wanted to be made of something other than glass. MLSE guys talked to and said you’d help me become tough like you are.

NORRIS: Look, kid, I’m just an actor. I’m in incredibly good shape, but at the end of the day, I’m still just an actor. All those facts about me you read on the Internet are just baloney. I mean, my tears curing cancer? Just ridiculous—even though it’s true I’ve never cried. But hey, it’s not a total loss. Come inside and I’ll teach you how to win Connect Four in three moves. (sounds of a fence breaking and squawking)

COLAIACOVO: Hey, what was that…OHGOD CRAZED ATTACKING OSTRICH! (the ostrich mauls COLAVCOVO for a bit as COLAIACOVO screams in pain and terror. After a slight struggle NORRIS roundhouse kicks the ostrich, knocking it off COLAIACOVO.)

NORRIS: Are you ok, Copacobana?

COLAIACOVO: I just got mauled by an ostrich. I think this has been a pretty bad day.

Travels with Carlo

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone .

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is sitting in an overstuffed armchair in front of a fire place. The room is very tastefully decorated, much like the opening to “Masterpiece Theatre.” )
COLAIACOVO: Hello there, I’m Carlo Colaiacovo. As some of you Leafs fans may know, I have had a long string of terrible injuries. That’s why I’m going to spend this off-season traveling the world looking for a cure for my…what’s the word…made-of-glass-itude (OLD BRITISH GUY enters)
OLD BRITISH GUY: What the bloody hell are you doing in my house? (COLAIACOVO runs out of chair, jumps out of open window and lands in a dumpster.)
COLAIACOVO: ow…my head…
4 weeks later…
(COLAIACOVO is standing in a secret underground laboratory with IAN WHITE)
COLAIACOVO: Well folks, my head is all OK! My special guest for today is fellow defenseman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Ian White!
WHITE: Uh, Carlo…who are you talking to?
COLAIACOVO: Thanks to MLSE’s extensive and often shady connections we were able to secure an exclusive deal with Stark Industries. (We see TONY STARK designing something on a computer screen.)
STARK: (moves away from screen to reveal an Iron Man suit painted to look like a Maple Leafs uniform) Awesome, isn’t it?
WHITE: Wait, so Carlo would be like a mecca Maple Leaf? That’s so cool it’s not even funny! (WHITE starts wandering around in the lab looking at the various items.)
COLAIACOVO: Wouldn’t it be painfully obvious?
STARK: Don’t worry—with a better paint job, people will just think it’s Hal Gill or Zdeno Chara. Although I did have to modify the power source a bit.
COLAIACOVO: So this is running on…?
STARK: Since you don’t have a magnet in your chest, you’ll just have to be really, really drunk. By my calculations, you’ll need a blood alcohol level of…six.
COLAIACOVO: I could handle that.
WHITE: Hey Tony, what’s this thingy do?
STARK: DON’T TOUCH THAT! (WHITE retracts his hand, but in doing so he knocks a glass of scotch onto a computer keyboard. The keyboard shorts out and the sparks ignite some paper, which also got soaked with scotch. A small fire starts)
COLAIACOVO: OH SHIT!
WHITE: Don’t worry—there’s a big bottle of water here!
STARK: DON’T ! That’s-- (WHITE pours contents of bottle onto the fire, which grows to almost the size of a wall) That’s vodka! Who the hell are you?
COLAIACOVO: Well, I’m Sidney Crosby and he’s Jason Spezza. (STARK evacuates via a convenient fire-proof Audi, leaving WHITE and COLAIACOVO behind.)
WHITE: We gotta get outta here!
COLAIACOVO: Ya, congratulations, Captain Obvious. (WHITE and COLAIACOVO manage to just barely escape the collapsing building)
WHITE: Well, as Darkwing Duck would say, “Singed but triumphant”
COLAIACOVO: Ian, for tonight, I’m going to beat you like a red headed step child! (COLAIACOVO punches WHITE in the head.) OW! AH! I think I just broke my hand!

Post-Season Summer plans

Due to shifty and highly illegal means, I have obtained the summer itineraries of several members of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I feel obliged to share them with you here:

Tomas Kaberle: creating a way to travel to the moon without using fossil fuels

Andrew Raycroft: stocking up on razor blades and watching this since the real thing won't be happening this summer

Kyle Wellwood: after a disappointing season, he will spend the summer finding a way to “Rickroll” the ACC Jumbotron on opening night. In the event he gets traded, his last game will feature “2girls1cup”

Bryan McCabe: will spend at least a day staring at a section of aluminum foil, telling his wife, “Look honey, there's a guy who looks just like me in our kitchen!” Or possibly holding a never ending party.

Darcy Tucker: Kick Sean Avery's dog, light Daniel Alfredsson's golf clubs on fire, and send Mike Peca a box of chocolates

Johnny Pohl and Dominic Moore: after taking the stage names of "Jason Spezza" and "Sidney Crosby", respectively, they will star in the soon-to-be-classic adult title "Sin Bin Sluts: 5 for Fucking". Alex Steen will assist them by being "the guy who holds the microphone, so that way I won't be the one getting herpes" (his words not mine)

Secret Diaries: Andrew Raycroft to Join the Black Parade

(ANDREW RAYCRFOT is alone in the dressing room)

Christcakes I'm emo.

I can't say I'm all that surprised. Earlier I was reading my fanmail—3 today—and who wouldn't be depressed with letters like these:

“Dear King Asshat of Suckville, (I threw that one out right away)”

“Dear Andrew Raycroft, I'm writing this letter for my little sister. She says to tell you “ I love you Andrew Raycroft! You are the best goalie ever! You want to be my friend?” P.S.: my sister is blind and mentally handicapped. Go Sens!”

“Dear Mr. Raycroft, I am a career and guidance counselor at Christwagons Catholic High School. In my job, I evaluate people's abilities and recommend an appropriate job for them. Mr. Raycroft, have you ever considered joining a cult? They don't even have to pay taxes, you know. Even working on a hobby can improve a person. I suggest knitting (nooses) or jumping off bridges.”

Maybe they're right. Maybe I am just a useless husk of an imitation goalie. There's only one way I can possibly release all of this emotional tension (grabs razor blade, puts on Sarah McLachlan) Atta girl, Sarah...(singing as he cuts) In the arrrrrms offff an anngel, flyy awaaaaaayyyyyyyy fromm herrrreee (VESA TOSKALA enters, RAYCROFT tries to hide what he's doing and fails)

TOSKALA: What the hell are you doing? (Grabs RAYCROFT's hand) Down the Highway, NOT across the street. Idiot. (leaves)

RAYCROFT: may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comforrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt herrrrrrrrrree

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Kaberle's Diary: Why I Won't Wave my No Trade Clause

(For additional fun, read aloud in a generic Eastern European accent.)

Fools! I’ll destroy them all! No trade clauses are nice things to have, especially you got deep stuff like me to do. I’m not going to go into much details, but let’s just say the Tesla ain’t gonna have shit on me. I make him look like Tinker toys.

I wonder if media douches really think that I’d hang around here if I didn’t have something else going on? You all thought I’d be putting up with Bryan “Anchorman” McCabe and PaVEL Fucking Kubina just because I like them? But it is ok, media types accept me saying “Oh, I love this town, I am proud to wear Maple Leafs, blahblahblah.” I mean, I have to stay here to follow my projects—do you have any idea how hard it is to move an unfinished VTOL aircraft ? They aren’t exactly light and portable, you know. I can’t just pick up and leave, ‘cause when I go someplace else, people always be asking all these questions like “What’s that loud humming noise? Were did my car go? Why do my teeth glow in the dark?” They won’t understand. They never do.

Fucking František still makes fun of me ever time he can ‘cause he won Stanley Cup. He says to me, “Tomas, let’s you and me make a movie—we can call it ‘2 Kabs 1 Cup!’”

Ah well. Knowing what I have in store for all the douches makes it worth putting up with nimrods.

(Photo credit: Claus Andersen/Getty Images stolen from Yahoo!)