Leafs for Life: Mike Komisarek

In this new feature, various members of the Toronto Maple Leafs get a chance to share their worldviews and perspectives on a variety of issues. This time, we feature Mike Komisarek. 

I know you all are probably at least as sick of the whole Tiger Woods coverage as I am. However, since I’ve been injured, I’ve had some time to think some of it over. People are wondering why an athlete would cheat on a super-hot Swedish model wife (for example), and I think I can drop some science on this to mansplain things.

Let’s use Tiger Woods as an example. Did you know his real first name is Eldrick? Eldrick Woods sounds like some place in “The Hobbit” or some shit. He went to school in southern California in a place where he was the only Blasian (I think that’s the correct name) golfer in school. Hell, he was probably the only Blasian there. Plus, golf is a really solitary sport—it’s just you and the coach most of the time. It’s not like hockey or football where you have a team to be your buddies and a second family. All in all, he’s a loner with a dorky-ass name and probably a bit of a nerd. These are the kind of guys who, if they get a chance to, like to make up for lost time.

See, to get to a professional level of a sport, it means you have to spend a lot of time practicing and training. This means that you don’t get to do a lot of other stuff—you might not get to go to dances or to prom and stuff like that because you have a tournament or something that weekend. But when you’re an athlete, it’s like being in high school, but with more hot girls AND you can actually pursue them because you have the money and availability. It’s like the energy and experience of chasing the opposite sex gets pent up and gets stronger the more pent up it is until it oozes out like a volcano. Being a pro athlete is like being in high school, except there’s no homework, you can legally drive and go to strip clubs, and all the women are legal.

As money and athletic fame increase, the likelihood of hot bitches also increases. This concept is best explained by this graph:

See? That's simple science, fools.

In conclusion, athletes cheat on hot model wives for two main reasons: because they freakin’ can, and because they’re making up for time spent alone and practicing as a teenager.

Friday YouTubeYoinkage, November 14, 2008

Dammit, I need to plan these things out more.

clip one: 100 movie spoilers in 5 minutes. Hockey connection: uuh...they do mention the Mighty ducks. Does that count?



clip two: ChiCity's great advice that "Keeping your refrigerator stocked will get you many women" Hockey connection: ummmm...hockey people like drinks too?


clip three: Pavel Kubina (as a Lightning and looking less like a bum) beats up a member of the Boston Bruins. Sunshine, lollipops and unicorns for all!

Open Letter/Rant to Andrew Raycroft

Special thanks goes to Jared over at Die Hard Blue and White --I totally stole your idea. Except, my idea is more of the "whimsical" sort, whereas your letter had, like, actual analysis and stuff.

Dearest Andrew,
Ok, so here's my idea to make you a better goalie. Other people are going to tell you stuff like "work harder on reflexes" or "suck on a tailpipe", but that's not the kind of advice that you'll follow. What I want to do is offer you the advice that you'll actually follow. This is the kind of advice that's easy to do and will get the promised results.

Here's my thinking: there are all sorts of rules regarding the equipment--how big leg pads can be and whatnot. There is one thing that the NHL can't regulate: the size of your ass. That's right--there are no rules regarding goalie ass size.

Therefore, I propose that you eat lots of donuts. (Image of Homer stolen from here)


Yep, lots and lots of donuts. As in, enough to make you look like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.(Note: google image searching for "Baby got back" is REALLY recommended against, even with the safe search on.) Come on, I know you can do it well--donuts are delicious. Eating lots of them will make your ass grow in size. With a larger butt, you might be able to stop some more pucks. It seems logical to me. To quote the immortal Homer Simpson on the left: "Donuts--is there anything they can't do?"

Think about it, Andrew. Just...think about it

Crapfully yours,
Loser Domi

Poor Guy...

Stolen from Deadspin, so I'll just have you pop over there and read it.

MEMO:Jiri Tlusty.

I don't know how people are in the Czech Republic, but in North America, when pictures like this or of this (NSFW) ilk appear on the Internet, we usually just say that we were drunk/high at the time and that makes it all ok.

Best Regards,
Kim (Loser Domi)

PS--why did it have to be someone I wanted to boink that's rumoured to be gay? Shit.