Sunday, January 31, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention

I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!

***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.


Caroline said...

I don't know what to say. That was beyond hilarious. I like when Vesa offered his man purse. Also love the Eddie Belfour part, I have so many jokes about him.

I'm very sad about Vesa, but I really like Giguere, so it's not all bad. Sad about Stajan and White leaving too.

Question: Who is going to say MAAATTTTTT STTTAAAJJJJAAANNN when the Leafs have drunk parties now?

SinBinRegular said...

Wow. I want to start a slow clap. Jonas' part was killer. "Dear Vesa: fuck you bitch."- I will find reasons to use that line hahahaha

Aubrey said...

My first thought when I heard about the Anaheim trade was "Noooo! He's my favorite WWLD guy!"

I'm really glad no one was around when I read this since I make a rather unattractive picture when I lmao. I love you like guy you work with killed me.

Junior said...

LD: First person I thought of when I heard Stajan was traded was you.

I would kind of like it if the (fictional) The Vesa stayed around the ACC in the WWOLD. He's laaaaiiiike one of my favourite characters.

Good fricking riddance in real life, however.

CGLN said...

A fitting farewell for, laaaike, The Vesa. Can you hear KHL calling? Now if only Mt. Burkeback would have managed to sneak Wilson into the trade with the Ducks. Would have been just swell. Of course, since he's BFF's with I_Ron, they probably have sleepovers and pajama parties together. I'll go back to my bottle now... incoherent mumbling...

Loser Domi said...

Caroline: thanks! I think "MAAATTTTTT STTTAAAJJJJAAANNN" is a retired joke now, which is sad.

SinBinRegular: Indeed, Komisarek really knows how to get to the heart of the matter, no beating around the bush.

Aubrey: it seems like The Vesa is something of an ensemble darkhorse around here.

Juinor: Stajan's departure is going to be tough, since he was a great supporting player. If he's needed, the Vesa may need to come back.

CGLN: the real "time to say goodbye" post for vesa is coming. I can totally see Burke and Ron having sleepovers and staying up too late, eating pizza and prank calling other coaches and GMs. and that image makes me giggle

CGLN said...

I personally see those two more likely to prank call the remaining Leafs squad than rival GMs and coaches. But hell, you're a much more creative writer than I am, so I'll look forward to it. I'd love to see Robert_NoPain_MoGain in your chatroom, at least! :D

Or something along those lines, anyway. And back to the bottle, I feel like the Half-Man/Half-Manitoba Booze Wolf Ed Belfour right now, since I won't be in the playoffs.


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