Friday, June 26, 2009

Year End Leafer Awards, FINAL CHAPTER

(NOTE: because I strained my right hand stacking hay, I can't really do any formatting to make this look nice, and typing left handed sucks. Sorry)
part 1
part 2
part 3

WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up and parks with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTINPOGGE inside. They get out)
HOLLWEG: Yo Pogge, you gotta do my welcome speech.
POGGE: Do I have to do the speech?
HOLLWEG: uh, YES. That was the bet!
POGGE: But why do I have to keep doing it?
HOLLWEG: Cuz I’m not the dumbass who thought the Lakers were going to win the Superowl, now am I?
POGGE: (sighs) FINE. A-hem, Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a brush with greatness! He is a legendamong mere mortal men, leaving s trail of wonder, awe, and very satistifed women in his wake. He is better than meat everything, including dancing, arts and crafts, lovemaking, and the guitar. I have no friends, and will never knowthe touch of a woman. I present to you all, the proud owner of a 13 inch penis, Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Good job, Pogge. I knew I kept you around for some reason.
POGGE: I just wish I wouldn’t lose so many bets to you.
HOLLWEG: I can’t help it if you lose so much. I try to keep you on the right path, but no, you just have to keep falling off it.
POGGE: You try to keep me on the right path? Oh bull! I bet you 20 bucks that I won’t gamble for the rest of the day.
HOLLWEG: 20 bucks, huh? You’re on.
POGGE: All right!
HOLLWEG: Well, pay up then.
POGGE: Pay? What...(figureing it out) Oh, you assclown!
HOLLWEG: Do you want to make that double or nothing?
POGGE: Oh, hell’s yes!
HOLLWEG: Well then, where’s my money?
POGGE: But I...see, the thing douche monkey! (pays HOLLWEG the money)
WILSON: Well, Ryan and Justin, I certainly didn’t expect to see you guys here.
HOLLWEG: It’s a Leafs Barbeque, isn’t it?
POGGE: Yeah, so where are our beer, broads and burgers?
WHITE: Oh, Hollweg didn’t herd in the women with his 13 inch penis? That wasn’t very nice of him.
WILSON: But you two are part of the Mariles now, not the Leafs...
HOLLWEG: We played for the Leafs a few times!
POGGE: Isn’t that enough?
WILSON: You know...I think there’s an information session thing over at (mumble) West Street for those who wantto play in the KHL. I think you two could kick ass and take names over there. WHITE : Yeah, and uh... the women are real crazy in bed over there. You’d love it.
MITCHELL: Yeah! Grabbo’s always telling us abut all the crazy stuff they do. Right, Grabbo? (GRABOVSKI saysnothing while clutching his prizes and creepily staring at people, like he has been all afternoon) ...right. WILSON: I think that presentation is starting soon, so you should head over RIGHT NOW.
HOLLWEG: Mumble West? Got it! C’mon, Pogge, let’s score us some crazy hot Russian bitches! (HOLLWEG andPOGGE leave)
STAJAN: Phew, that was close.
MITCHELL: I dunnp which is worse--Pogge marinating in AXE or Hollweg smelling like...Hollweg.
WHITE: Did they kill any of your grass?
WILSON: No, but I think it’s wilted a bit.--CUJO! What the hell? Get Jeff Finger out of my petunias!
JOSEPH: Sorry coach Wilson. (Knocks FINGER unconscious) HE won’t crawl in there and puke again.
BLAKE: I found duct tape! Should we tape him and Kabbie to this tree?
JOSEPH: Good idea! ( JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA duct tape KABERLE and FINGER to the tree. KUBINA finds a Sharpie and draws a Freddie Mercury-style mustche on KABERLE)BLAKE: Heh. Great idea guys. Kubie, how’s yuor sandwich and bum wine?KUBINA:It is good ham sandwich. The drink makes my mouth feel all tingly and numb.
KABERLE: ( drunk Czech/English hybrid babble)
KUBINA: Shhhh, Tomas. You go sleep now.
KABERLE: I love you, muffin!
KUBINA: ...yeah, me too. (JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA leave KABERLE and FINGER taped to the tree.)
BLAKE:What was that all about?
KUBINA: (defensively) What? I like muffins, too! There’s nothing wrong with two guys who like muffins!
BLAKE:I never said there was anytrhing wrong with it! (PONIKARVOVSKY arrives) Poni!PONIKAROVSKY: I’s so sorry guys. First, I got a call there was a lanky Kazakh in Boreger King orderingcheesebourgers for kitties, so I ran there hoping Antro came back. But... it was just some crazy homeless man.
KUBINA: You still miss Nik?
PONIKAROVSKY: Soo much! Grabovski’s ok, but too crazy. And Kulemin just stares at me with open mouth, likegoldfish. But then, after Boreger King, I found I had bad directions to this house. They took me to garbage dumpplace!
WILSON: Weird. Maybe whoever gave you directions didn’t know where my house is.
PONIKAROVSKY: But Coach RonWilson, YOU gave me the directions!
WILSON: Well Alexei, it’s time I was honest. You see, I just don’t like you.
PONIKAROVSKY: But why, Coach RonWilson? I work hard at practice, talk to newspaper people, keep Grabovskifrom killing people. I’s great guy!
WILSON: OK you guys! The old lady is giving me “that look” so you all have to get the hell off my lawn! Get outtahere!
STAJAN: (mockingly) Or what? You’re gonna call Officer Peters to tase my ass again?
WILSON: Don’t get smart with me! Just because you’re man pretty doesn’t mean you can stay here!
KUBINA: Hey guys, we should go in search of fried chicken and large breasted strippers!
BLAKE: I don’t think my wife wouldapprove of that.
KUBINA: Medium breasted strippers?JOSEPH: It sounds good enough for me. Let’s go! (TEAM leaves, except for FINGER and KABERLE)
WILSON: Finger and Kaberle, eh? I hope you boys like playing in Tampa.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

An Apology to Matt "Mathew" Stajan

Part 4 of Year end awards is coming! I promise!

Dear Matt Stajan,

Look, I know here on the WWoLD, I've put you through some tough times. I've had you cry an awful lot and I even had you tasered. I know, I know, it just doesn't seem fair that I keep doing stuff like this to you, and I want to figure out why I keep doing it. I know it hurts.

But you know what else hurts? Knowing that one of the earliest Leafs players I got attached to (I'm a relatively new fan, so sue me) is probably going to be gone in a few weeks. It also hurts when your stick breaks, or you fall down. It hurts when you shy away from a hit because you're too pretty to check. It must hurt knowing that you'll end up withering and dying in a place like Edmonton or Atlanta or something in a package deal, but at least you'll have the other player(s) with you as travel buddies, right? RIGHT?

I'm just trying to numb the pain, buddy. I'm only trying to duck when the shit hits the fan.

Keep your stick on the ice!

Hugs and kisses,
Loser Domi

P.S.: We can still totally be Facebook friends, if you want. I'll send you bacon and invite you to find out which Tansformers Character you are or something.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Leafer Year End awards, part 3

Part 2

BLAKE: Well, we should put Kabbie somewhere he’ll be OK. You know, where we won’t step on him or anything.
KUBINA: That sounds like a good idea
BLAKE: Now, I can never remember: is it ok to draw on people ONLY if their shoes are off or on? He’s missing one shoe.
JOSEPH: Beats me. I’ve been drawing on passed out Jeff Finger for 15 minutes.
WILSON: But his shoes are still on!
JOSEPH: But his pants are off! I figure a lack of pants trumps shoes.
STAJAN: Wait...doesn’t Asher Roth say in that song “Don’t pass out with your shoes ON”?
WHITE: But that’s all he says. He doesn’t say anything about getting drawn on.
KUBINA: Besides, he is missing one shoe. Do we draw on only half of him?
BLAKE: Forget it. Let’s just tie him to this tree and steal his wallet or something (BLAKE and KUBINA drag KABERLE to a tree and go in search of tape or rope to tie him there.)

MITCHELL: Matty, how long are you going to wear that stupid mask?
STAJAN: I’m going to wear it as long as I need to. I need to protect myself. Plus, it makes me feel like I should be running around going “Na na na na na na na na na STAJAN!” or something.
WHITE: That would rock. You need a cape, though. (police car arrives, OFFICER PETERS gets out)
WILSON: Well, Officer...Peters. What seems to be the problem?
OFFICER PETERS: We’ve gotten a report of a suspect in a convenience store robbery who may be in this area. We’re looking for a Caucasian male, blond, about 6 foot tall, athletic, and wearing a black leather cat mask..actually, he looked kind of like that guy (Points at STAJAN)
WHITE: But he’s been here the whole time.
MITCHELL: yeah, he’s been here all day--I could vouch for him.
OFFICER PETERS:Is that an open container?
STAJAN: We’re just hanging out, having some beer and stuff--
OFFICER PETERS: Sir! If you come any closer to me, I’ll be forced to tase you!
STAJAN: (as a joke) Don’t tase me, bro. Heh heh (OFFICER PETERS tases STAJAN, who falls on the ground screaming and cursing)
OFFICER PETERS: Recent legstaion states that we are legally allowed to taser anyone who says "Don't tase me bro." Well, everything looks inorder here. Have a good day (OFFICER PETERS leaves)
WHITE: Holy crap! Are you ok, Mat?
MITCHELL: GAH aahahahaha, you got your ass tased, Matty!
STAJAN: Dude, this isn’t funny!
MITCHELL: I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so fuckin hard!
STAJAN: Oh crap, look my hands. They’re shaking like crazy!
WHITE: I kinda wish I had some paint or some cocktails for you to shake up. (from nowhere, the song “Low” by Flo Rida starts)
WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTIN POGGE inside and parks on the lawn. They get out.)

What kind of crazy shenanigans could Pogge and Hollweg bring? Be sure to stay tuned to the same Domi station, some Domi channel.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Year End Leafer Awards, Part 2

Part 1

(KABERLE re-enters the room with a half consumed bottle of tequila)
KABERLE: WOOOO! Let’s get drunk!
KUBINA:I don’t get it, He can drink beers at lunch, drink champagne all night long on NewYear’s Eve, and does vodka shots better than Lindsay Lohan. But when he drinks tequila…BLAKE: So are you saying tequila makes his clothes fall off?
KUBINA: Something like that.

STAJAN: You know something Whitey? I like beer.
WHITE: Mmhmm. Beer is good.
STAJAN: Yeah man, it’s like liquid bread.
MITCHELL: Dude, where the hell is Schener? I wanted to get him shitfaced!
WHITE:I know! That would have been hilarious.
STAJAN: (takes out phone) I’m calling him right now
STAJAN: Schenners, it’s Matty. Why aren’t you here?
SCHENN: Where’s “here”?
STAJAN: The year end awards at Old Man Wilson’s place
WILSON: I heard that!
STAJAN: (To WILSON) No you didn’t! (To SCHENN) So, what’s so much cooler than hanging outwith us?
MITCHELL: Tell him I’ll put mu tongue in his ear!
SCHENN: I’m just in Switzerland and Europe, seeing some sights and stuff.
STAJAN: Whatever Schenny. Say hi to your mother for me. (hangs us on SCHENN, then gets another call) Hello?
WHITE: Matt, I dunno why, but I felt like I had to call you.
STAJAN: Dude, I’m, like, ten feet away. Just say something to me.
WHITE: Sure thing!
STAJAN:Say hi to your mother for me. (BOTH hang up. VESA TOSKALA enters on crutches due to his recent work/surgery. )
WILSON: Vesa! I sure didn’t expect to see you here!
VESA TOSKALA:Well, laaike, The Vesa almost missed you guys so I was laaike “You should go and say hi to them, Vesa.”
STAJAN: Vesa, did you...bedazzle your crutches?
TOSKALA: Well, yanno, when you’re injured, you kinda get bored, so you, laaike, do some crazy things.
WHITE: Is that why you shaved your head?
TOSKALA: Ya, besides, it’s laaike summer already and it gets hot here, unlaaike in Finland. KUBINA: TOMAS! What are you doing?!
KABERLE: SHH! I’m talking to Freddie Mercury! He says he can take me to the Seven Seas ofRhye! Isn’t that awesome?
KUBINA: But--You’re drinking tequila, not rye! You’re not making sense.
KABERLE: We’re here! (attempts to sing the piano intro to Queen’s “Seven Seas of Rhye”.) BLAKE: Kabbie, that’s not a sea. That’s a kiddie pool filled with ice, beer and various winecoolers.
KABERLE: WOOO! (jumps into kiddie pool) It’s such COLD rye, Freddie! (attempts to sing aterrible English/Czech/Drunk slurred version of “Seven Seas of Rhye” while pretending to swim)
BLAKE: Holy crap, Kubina, what did you put into his drink?
KUBINA: NOTHING! I put nothing in his drink! My drink drugging days are over!...Besides all Ihad on me were some Tic-Tacs.
KABERLE: I swear you’ll soon be miiiine...I take you to the seven seas of Rhye! (KABERLE trips over the edge of the pool, falling face first onto the ground)
STAJAN: Kabbie!...THE BEER! Is it ok?
WHITE: The beer is fine, and so is Kabbie...JERK.
KABERLE: Freddie, that was not not cool.
BLAKE: Hey Kabbie, do you know what would be really nice? It’d be really nice if you got somewater or maybe something to eat to go with your tequila.
KUBINA: Oh, he didn’t have that much, just (grabs halfs empty tequila bottle) this much. BLAKE: How is he still standing?
KUBINA: Is Czech thing. We start training young.

Will Kaberle’s tequila-fueled trip be all that’s in store for him? Will there be any surprise guests?Be sure to keep reading for part 3 of the 2009 Year end awards!


blogger templates | Make Money Online