Monday, November 29, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: The Team Learns about Racial Sensitivity

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
So Coach, do you have any inspiration words for our next game?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Look, I’ve given all of you every motivational angle I can think of. I’ve tried every strategy the fan forums suggest sort of taking you all out back and shooting you in the face. All of you already know what I’m gonna say. So, I’m going to go home, drink this big bottle of aftershave, put on some Journey, and cry my eyes out. Later, bitches
***I_Ron_Butterfly has left the chat room!***
Oh, what the fuck?
NazDaq: Well, we can always try harder and make improvements and stuff, right?
KomiKazi: Right, but this recent streak is really damn depressing.
NazDaq: You know what always cheers me up? Tacos. Tacos rule.
KomiKazi: Tacos are awesome, aren’t they?
SonOfaMitch: Yeah, Kadri, you’d know, like, how to make the best tacos in the world, wouldn’t you?
NazDaq:..Wait, what?
SonOfaMitch: Well, don’t you people eat, like, lots of tacos and burritos and stuff?
KomiKazi: What the hell is going on?
NazDaq: What do you mean “you people”?
SonOfaMitch: You oughta know…Mexicans.
KomiKazi: What the hell?
NazDaq: Dude...what makes you think I’m Mexican? I’m not Mexican.
SonOfaMitch: Sorry if I was offensive, man. It’s just…sometimes I get Mexicans and Indians mixed up.
NazDaq: I’m not Indian either.
KomiKazi: He’s right. He likes steak and he doesn’t know shit about computers.
NazDaq: No, you guys. I’m Canadian and Lebanese.
SonOfaMitch: Lebanese? So uh….does that mean you have to, like, scissor? Or something?
NazDaq: What the hell is wrong with you?
KomiKazi: Nah, Johnny, you’re thinking of a lesbian. Not a Lebanese. Unless there’s such a thing as a Lebanese lesbian ….
SonOfaMitch: You mena like Selma Hayek?

NazDaq: Look, guys, I think I need to head out. Later.
KomiKazi: Later!
SonOfaMitch: Good luck with your, uh, softball?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Friday Youtube Yoinkage November 19, 2010

This week's theme is audience participation. 

Clip one is a crowd telling us all how DP sucks. Maybe they just haven't tried it.

Clip two is an Islanders fan getting doused with water at a Blue Jays game. Very odd, indeed.

Clip three has a description of "A compilation of fights between players in the penalty boxes, in the alleys, fighting with fans, etc." I can't really explain it that much clearer, exceot to add that the soundtrack is by Guns N' Roses. Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: Tim Brent, Love Doctor

***Welcome to the Official Chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
: You guys think that Dion and Colby will like these get-well cards?
Bozak_Attack:  Of course they’ll like ‘em. Do you think this is too much glitter?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, it’s good for glitter. But you might want some more macaroni.
Bozak_Attack:   Well, stop eating it all then!
TimmyBrentron: Guys, why are we the only ones at this card making party?
Bozak_Attack:   I figured more guys would come in. Maybe they just have, like, kids and families and stuff.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Wow, Tim! Your card’s really cool! Is that a popup or something?
TimmyBrentron: Well, technically it’s just a pull tab. See, you pull this tab here, and the little Leafs guy punches Sean Avery in the face!
Bozak_Attack:   That is so awesome! How did you learn to make stuff like that?
TimmyBrentron: Sometimes on road trips I have really bad insomnia. Crafting stuff is a pretty good way to relax me. I used to knit, but airport security kept taking away my needles.
***MaiHartWillDion has entered the chat room!***
MaiHartWillDion: Guys, this sucks. Elisha and I had our first really big fight and she kicked me out.
Bozak_Attack:  Holy shit, you guys had a big fight? Haven’t you two been together like 5 years or something?
TimmyBrentron: And isn’t that your place anyway?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Maybe one of us should check on Elisha…
Bozak_Attack:  No, Phil! I shouldn’t even have to explain to you why that’s a bad idea.
TimmyBrentron: He has a point—you know, two sides to every story and all. Dion, would you be ok with me doing some mediating?
MaiHartWillDion: Well, yeah. I mean, she already kicked my crippled ass out on the cold, dark street—I don’t think you can mess it up any more than I did.
***Welcome to MaiHartWillDion’s place!***
Cuthbert_Island: What do you want?!
TimmyBrentron: Elisha, Dion says he wants to talk, if you’re ok with it. I can be a mediator.
Bozak_Attack:   You sure you know what you’re doing?
TimmyBrentron: I’ve done a lot of reading on this sort of thing.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Really? Why?
TimmyBrentron: You gotta do something on those long bus trips. Ok, now..Dion, how do you feel?
MaiHartWillDion: I kinda feel like an asshole.
Cuthbert_Island: You should feel like an asshole!
TimmyBrentron: Elisha, that’s  not constructive.
Cuthbert_Island: FINE. I feel like…I need some reassurance and more emotional sensitivity. I feel like I need Dion to open up to me more.
MaiHartWillDion: And I feel like I kinda want to do that, but if I open up too much emotionally, then that’s a threat to my masculinity and individuality. But I would like to…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Holy shit…that’s deep.
Bozak_Attack:   Those are a bunch of words I never, ever expected Dion to say.
Cuthbert_Island: Dion…I’m so sorry. I don’t even know why we were fighting.
MaiHartWillDion: I love you baby!
Cuthbert_Island: I love you so much!
***MaiHartWillDion  and Cuthbert_Island have engaged in Sloppy Makeouts!***
TimmyBrentron: Bitchen, it looks like my work here is done.
Bozak_Attack:   Yeah, let’s play some Rock Band or something.
TimmyBrentron: Cool.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sorry, Dion.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Friday Youtube Yoinkage November 12, 2010

This week's theme is none other than the extraordinary TIM BRENT. Tim Brent is a truly remarkable human being for several reasons, but mostly because he plays for the Leafs and looks like a combination of Jimmy Neutron and Leopold "Butters" Stoch.

In the first clip, Tim Brent--looking suspiciously like Matt Stajan--talks about how important beating the Montreal Canadians is:

One of the videos I found was these two dude who happened to be named Tim and Brent boxing each other.

In the last clip, Tim talks about training and workouts with someone who clearly didn't have an extra microphone. Tim seems to be a rather soft-spoken guy, s it's a shame I can't really make out more than bits about protein and working hard.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Minor Malfunctions

OK, so here's the deal: I was hard at work trying to bring back a new LOLeafs post. But then, Blogger decided that they didn't want to let me upload photos. Who the hell would want to see silly pictures of the Maple Leafs with silly photos anyway. This, of course, is a huge setback in my quest to provide humor. In a normal filler post, this is where I'd find a picture of a bunny or something and post it as fluff...but Blogger has taken that away from me. Bastards. I mean, it's not like I've been a loyal user for 3 years or anything.

Instead, here's a great video about a depressed whale until I can actually write something

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Youtube Yoinkage November 5, 2010

You know what's great about a weekly feature? Not using it for a month. What brought back the inspiration back was an email from fan of the blog Greg Wayne who sent me the following video that tries to teach us all how to Dougie:

So then, I started looking into other songs about hockey players. I couldn't make this list without "The Ballad of Wendel Clark" by The Rheostatics

Now, this guy has versions of this song for the Sharks, but the Sens version is just so...intense

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Halloween Beer Run or Horror, CONCLUSION

(MEANWHILE at PHANEUF's place, KABERLE is having a very rocking party featuring many of the other Leafs and members of the Marlies.)
LUKE SCHENN: (dressed as Garth Brooks) Gee, Jonas, your costume's really cool looking, but I don't quite get it.
JONAS GUSTAVSSON: (dressed as a set of wind chimes.) Thank you. I got idea after Giguere saw pictures of my girlfriend. He said something like, “You two are so skinny, when you get it on, it must look like a set of wind chimes.”
SCHENN: Kabbie, where did you get all of this beer and other stuff? This is fantastic!
KABERLE: I know! I just found it under that cabinet over there. It looks like someone went to Costco a few days ago. Which is weird, because Phaneuf and some of the other guys went on a beer run.
PHANEUF: Kabbie, whats going on?
CUTHBERT: Where did all of the guys come from?
KABERLE: They just showed up! And oh, it turns out, you had enough beer all along. You must have forgotten.
KESSEL: Really? That's awesome!
BOZAK: YEAH! (leaves to join flip cup game)
CUTHBERT: That's right, honey. We did that Costco trip a few days ago.
KESSEL: Costco makes beer now?
KESSEL: WHOO BOY! FLIP CUP (Leaves to join game of flip cup)
PHANEUF: I guess it all worked out in the end.
(Suddenly, SEAN AVERY, dressed as Lady Gaga, enters the room. The great times and loud music suddenly stop as an uneasy silence blankets the room)
SEAN AVERY: 'Sup sluts?
PHANEUF: Avery, what the hell are you doing here?
AVERY:It's off-ice time, muffhump. I'm looking for some sweet relaxation. And by “sweet relaxation”, I really mean stealing your ladies and grinding every piece of pussy until my dick falls off.”
PHANEUF: Hey, that's my line! I am the one dressed as the My New Haircut guy!
CUTHBERT: Sean, I think it's better if you leave right now.
AVERY: Nah, it's cool. Where's that Mike Cumsock or Jizzrag or whatever the fuck dumbass Polack name he has? I wanted to tell him how much that dumb, ugly twatwaffle can't fight or skate worth a shit.
CUTHBERT: Sean, listen to me. You really need to cut this shit out. I know you like the attention, but that's because you're a whore for it. And you're not even a good whore. In terms of whoredom, you're like the whore who gives out handjobs for fifty cents in back of a Denny's. That's why I left your ass in the first place. Maybe you need help from an actual professional. But all I know is I'm not the kind of professional you need. Neither is the NHL disciplinary board.
AVERY: Hush girl, you know you still want this.
CUTHBERT: Ew, no. I just got that cleared up.
PHANEUF: I'm gonna, I will smash your face into a jelly!
AVERY: (sarcastically) Oooh! I'm , like, totally scared of the Maple Leafs! What are you gonna do, dry up and blow away?
(PHANEUF walks to AVERY and punches AVERY repeatedly in the face. AVERY is knocked unconscious.)
PHANEUF: Well, now that Cunty McHookerface is out cold, what do you say we break out the sharpies and saran wrap him to the balcony? It's what you do to the first person out, right?
KABERLE: But Brett Lebda has been passed out on the couch for 20 minutes.
PHANEUF: Pfft. Lebda don't count for shit.


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