Saturday, July 18, 2009

Slashfic Summer: Requiem for a Heartache

This is kind of, sorta a parody of Dream Me for a Tragedy. If you can’t access LiveJournal, it’s a slashfic starring Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal where Staal has HIV (thanks, Wrap!) It was so over the top and melodramatic, I feltI had to do a tribute of my own.

Lee Stempniak was hungry for something mere food couldn’t provide. He and Mike Van Ryn had be only friends when they first met, but coming to Toronto had made them both realize that they had something deeper and more meaningful between them. Lee kissed Mike deeply, his hot tongue probing and pulsating with urgent need.Mike knew what they both wanted and needed, but he also knew something Lee didn’t know, Mike pushed Leeaway. “Lee, no. We can’t...” he added. “What do you mean ‘we can’t’?” asked Lee, flames of desire still burning in his eyes. “Lee”, Mike stammered, “We...”. He sighed. “I have HIV.”

The color drained from Lee’s face. “Oh.” he said. All he could say was ‘Oh.” The pair looked at each other for whatseemed like forever until they both started to cry. With the tears came Mike’s story--a drug addicted nurse injected herself and then her patients, and Mike had the awful luck of being under her care after one of his many injuries. Leestopped sobbing long enough to choke out “ did you get to the NHL, where guys are always getting cut andthere’s blood all over, without anyone knowing you have HIV? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Look, this is hard and I think I need some space to think things out. I should leave.”

Mike looked puzzled. “But Lee...isn’t this your house?” he asked

Lee sniffed and answered, “Oh, yeah. Right. Listen, not to be a total dick, but uh...”
Mike stopped him. “Yeah, I’ll get going. So...see you at practice tomorrow?” Lee nodded as Mike left.

The next day at practice, Lee felt like lead. He wondered if anyone else knew about Mike’s HIV. Surely the trainersmust know, since they would be the ones dealing with an injury. Lee’s contemplation was broken by the entrance of Matt Stajan and John Mitchell, joking around as usual.

“ I’m like, ‘That’s what your mom said!’” laughed Matt.

“Oh man, that’s good”, giggled John “You gotta see this crazy guy I saw last night--I have his picture on my phone.”John turned on his phone and suddenly he yelled, “What the fuck? My phone fuckin’ died on me!”

“Heh, maybe it has teh AIDS”, chuckled Matt.

“Yeah, it’s got phone AIDS” sniggered John.

"You guys shouldn’t joke about that,” Lee interjected. “People die from AIDS every day and it’s not a fun death.”

“People die of cancer all the time--way more than AIDS--and that doesn’t stop Jason Blake from making cancer jokes”, returned John.

Jason turned around at the mention of his name. “That’s different”, he said. “If you make cancer jokes, you’re still an insensitive jerk. If I make cancer jokes, it’s OK because I’ve earned it.. If you survive cancer, you get to make all thecancer jokes you want. You even get a little card and everything.”

Practice went normally, with Lee dutifully fulfilling the role of teammate and player. After the skate, which CoachWilson was going over some plays, Lee realized he couldn’t keep silent anymore. “OK, so Van Ryn, you go--” Lee stood up and cut off his coach.

“And Van Ryn is a jackass!” cried Lee. “Seriously Mike, you thought you could go on forever and not tell anyone you’re sick? What the FUCK, MIKE?!”

Mike tried to defend himself : “Look, my counts are good, “I’m as healthy as I can be--”

Lee cut him off: “How could you be so STUPID, MIKE?” He continued quietly. “How could you be so selfish? All those long, late night talks about honesty and trust and you couldn’t mention ‘Oh, by the way, I have AIDS’?

“I do NOT have AIDS. I have HIV, you asshole!” yelled Mike.

“See, this is why I don’t date teammates” Matt whispered to John.
“You’re gay?” asked John.
“I’m bisexual, asshat”, snorted Matt.

Lee left the room, not caring he was still in full gear, with tears and sobs pouring out of him.

Nothing could have prepared Mike for the visit he had from Matt Stajan the next day. “Mike, “ said Matt, “I dunno how to say this, but...Lee Stempniak died last night. He accidentally fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck.But at least the docs don’t think he suffered at all. The way he landed, he was probably dead before you could say‘Deus ex machina.’”

Mike was stunned. He and Lee were supposed to separate after HIV decaying into AIDS becoming the death sentence, not through some quick and stupid accident.

“I never said I was sorry.” Mike sighed.


You Took My Seat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lori said...

Glorious. Will you remember me when you've won the Pulitzer?

Also, total props for your use of "asshat"

AmyB said...


I love hockey blogs for keeping me entertained during the off-season.

Irene Tanga said...

I love hockey blogs for keeping me entertained at summer school

Loser Domi said...

Lori: The "bisexual, asshat" line had me laughing for at least 5 minutes straight.

AmyB: Welcome! I try to be entertaining both in season and off.

Irene: well, if it makes summer school go by better...

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!


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