Monday, November 30, 2009

LOLeafs: Getting antsy edition

as usual, all photos from AP/Yahoo

Friday, November 27, 2009

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, November 27, 2009

Today, the Youtube yoinkage is going into the kitchen. Normally, I don't really like cooking at all, but considering yesterday was American Thanksgiving, it's been on my mind. As an added bonus, here's a recipe my mom found for my gluten intolerant sister. It's insanely delicious but really rich and filling, so cut it into smaller slices:

pie crust:
2/3 cup chocolate chips
2 tablespoons heavy cream
2 teaspoons shortening
1 cup chopped walnuts

melt everything but nuts, then add nuts and pour/spread into pie plate. refrigerate 1 hour before filling

1 8 ounce package of cream cheese
1 cup peanut butter (optional: 2 extra tables spoons for garnish)
1/2 cup sugar
1 12 ounce package cool whip, thawed
optional: hot fudge

beat cream cheese until smooth, add peanut butter and sugar, mix well. Fold in 3 cups cool whip, top with fudge and cool whip.

Onto the videos!

Clip one: For some reason, I was wondering if there could ever be a raw food cooking show, on account of the food staying, well, raw. This adorable child demonstrating how to make raw cookies showed me that it could be possible (but 3 hours in a dehydrator? Who would think raw food would be so much work?)

clip two: Now, I couldn't have a post about cooking and hockey without including this clip of Evgeni Malkin and Alyonka Larionov on PensTV. Highlights include ample use of Russian, obvious sexual tension, and a surprise visit from Kris LeTang.

Clip three: Jody Vance and Wade Belak go cooking in an episode of "Wade a Minute." Highlights include...well, Wade Belak cooking. That's all you need to know

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ask Lee Stempniak: Bisexual, Asshat

(mugshot from
I'd like to thank JaredofLondon for being a great idea bouncer once again.

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house, where he is seated on his couch with PHIL KESSEL and MIKE KOMISAREK)
STEMPNIAK: Welcome again to another edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Once more, I am your host, NHL player Lee Stempniak. I’m joined here by my friends and two of the newer members of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Phil Kessel and Mike Komisarek. Thanks for coming out, you guys.
MIKE KOMISAREK: Thanks for, uh, having us, I guess.
PHIL KESSEL: WOWIE! 50 BUCKS to hang out with you and answer mail? Thanks Lee! Man, I’m gonna go buy Assassin’s Creed!
KOMISAREK: I dunno Phil, maybe Little Big Planet is more up your alley…
KESSEL: Why is that, Mike?
KOMISAREK: Well, it’s just that you’re….never mind.
STEMPNIAK: Jared in London asks “How do they get the caramel inside of the Caramilk bar?”
KESSEL: Man, that’s a hard one. But yanno, those Australians do some pretty crazy stuff, donchaknow. I dunno if their Caramilk is the same as our Caramilk.
KOMISAREK: Wait a second: Australians?
KESSEL: Well, yeah, isn’t he in London?
STEMPNIAK: That means he could be British. Or maybe he’s from Ontario, or any other place that has a city named “London.”
KOMISAREK: There are quite a few of those.
STEMPNIAK: I think they make the section with the…packets part, I guess you call it, then put in caramel, then put on a slab of chocolate.
KESSEL: “Packet parts”?
STEMPNIAK: Kinda like an ice cube tray, I guess?
KESSEL: So Caramilks are ice cube trays? Geez, you Canadians are weird.
KOMISAREK: Uh, I’m from Long Island.
STEMPNIAK: I’m from the Buffalo-ish area.
KESSEL: Close enough!
STEMPNIAK: Kessel, you’re from Wisconsin! You’re probably closer than either of us!
KESSEL: You’re still weird.
STEMPNIAK: Anyway, Samantha from Denver wants to know “On a scale of 1-10, how hairy is Ian White?” I’d say….11.
KOMISAREK: Yes, 11. Dude sheds like a cat.
KESSEL: He’s like a…wolverine or something, he’s so fackin’ hairy.
STEMPNIAK: Next question is from Dave in Newbury who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, I’m writing to you because I think we’re in the same situation. I'm in a real personal pickle. I've always felt, well, a bit different from the other people I know and I think I may be bisexual. How can I come out to my really conservative parents?" Wait…how would I be in the same situation as this guy? I’m not—
KESSEL: What’s a bisexual? Does that mean he fucks bicycles?
KOMISAREK: Nah, it means he’s only gay on weekends.
KESSEL: I thought it meant that he was only gay when he was depressed?
STEMPNIAK: That makes absolutely no sense, Phil. Gay can also mean happy.
KOMISAREK: Well, this guy can’t be too happy—he’s asking Lee Stempniak for advice!
STEMPNIAK: No, you guys, being bisexual means that…you like the person for being them, not because they’re a man or a woman.
KESSEL: So you’re an equal opportunity humper?
KOMISAREK: Like Tila Tequila!
KESSEL: So all bisexuals are hot skanks?
STEMPNIAK: Well, no. It’s not like all straight chicks are hot, you know.
KOMISAREK: Wait….Lee, at the beginning of the letter, Dave says “I think we’re in the same situation.” Is there something you’re not telling us, Lee?
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no. I’m pretty sure I would know if I were bisexual.
KOMISAREK: I dunno, Lee, that’s not what it says on Talk Sports. Check it out, I got it on my Blackberry. Ahem: “I heard stemper was bicurious actually. Him and his friend Dan Shribman had a little bit of a thing. Dan was the recipient if that means anything.”
KESSEL: Uhh…wow, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: Dammit, that’s not true! Talk Sports is like Bleacher Report for puck bunnies!
KESSEL: Not that there’s anything wrong with you being, you know…
STEMPNIAK:…Except it’s not true.
KOMISAREK: Well Dave, here’s what you do: start by telling them you are attracted to Luke Schenn, ‘cause 99% of males admit to being attracted to him--the other 1% are lying. Then slowly work your way through slightly less attractive NHL players, movie stars, or band guys.
STEMPNIAK: I also heard of some people who come out by go on and on about their boyfriend or girlfriend and then switch pronouns. So, they’d be going on about “Oh, my girlfriend’s awesome, she’s got a great job and such and such, and by the way, her name’s Fred.”
KOMISAREK: But you gotta be brave to do that, don’t you?
STEMPNIAK: Oh yeah, but you just have to know your situation. You might want to find a friend who’s gay, lesbian or bi and ask them, or you can go online and get one of the forums for this kind of thing. Anyway, good luck, Dave!
KESSEL: This is what I love about this show, Lee. You can help people with anything--whether it's about coming out of the closet, what color is best for a prom dress, or where to get a good sandwich.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, Lee, about that…you said there would be sandwiches. All we got is some stale Triscuts with spray cheese on them
STEMPNIAK: ...and Hot pockets! Hot pockets are like sandwiches, but better
KOMISAREK: You only have ham and cheese. That’s like the Kmart of hot pockets.
STEMPNIAK: Well, I just need to stock up. It's been a while since I made a Costco run
KOMISAREK: I hate Costco. It’s always so busy, and I mean, who needs 10 gallons of chunky peanut butter? (KESSEL slowly raises his hand. KOMISAREK and STEMPNIAK give him odd looks.)
KESSEL: What? It's tasty and good on fruit!
KOMISAREK: So that’s why you always want to room with Grabovski. Geez, it must be like some sort of freaky fruit peanut butter buffet in there
KESSEL: Man, you don't want to know
STEMPNIAK: (Nervously) Haha bi-nanana! You guys get it? ‘Cause of—
KOMISAREK: Yes Lee, I get it.
KESSEL: I don’t.
KOMISAREK: Of course you don’t because you’re…never mind. Actually, I gotta go, um…I have laundry to fold. See you later, Lee, Phil. (KOMISAREK leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Later Mike!
KESSEL: Later! Maybe I should go too, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: You too? Don’t you want to answer some more letters, or have some more Hot Pockets? Hell, you want to come on a Costco run with me? You know, I could get more Hot Pockets, you could get more peanut butter…we could make a trip out of it.
KESSEL: Nah, I think I’m all set for now. Thanks anyway.
STEMPNIAK: Well, if you need anything, just call me. I’ll be a great buddy for you, Phil! See, even my cat Buttons likes you. Well, then again, he’s a stuffed cat, so he likes everybody...
KESSEL: Uh, yeah. Sure. One more thing though…PHILLLLL KESSSEEELLLL. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know about him, Buttons.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday SATURDAY YouTube Yoinkage, November 21, 2009

I call this the "that...that JUST happened" edition, because today's clips are videos that have only one approprate reaction: "That...that JUST happened."

Clip one: bowling WOULD be better if it was hockey:

Clip two: a figure skater runs a hockey game while looking FABULOUS! against freakily animated hockey players.

Clip three: Snickers apparently make you able to break the penalty box, but only for the World Championship:

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

LOLeafs: Mailing it in edtion

Blargh. I feel like I've never been so drained of ideas ever. I am such a bum. Here's an LOLeaf to kill some time (from Yahoo!)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday Youtube Yoinkage: November 13, 2009

Teeny Potvin is happy to be free of his plastic prison

Today's YouTube Yoinkage is in honour of Felix Potvin, who is represented by the little figure you see here. Potvin's time on the Leafs was before my time as a fan of the Leafs, but that doesn't mean I can't dedicate a FYY to him!

Clip one is a video of the famous Potvin/Hextall fight of 1996. My favourite parts are, in descending order: Potvin and Hextall collapsing on each other, Tie Domi talking smack, Wendel Clark's WTF face, and Doug Gilmour looking amused on the side.

Clip two: I'll be honest--I did a youtube search and since Felix wore number 29, this was the 29th video. It's about the coolest masks that the Leafs have had over the years. I don't know who decided this list, but judge for yourself:

Clip three is the introductions of the Western Conference All-Stars of 1996. Felix is one of the first ones into the game, but if you keep watching, other highlights include Mats Sundin WITH hair, Chris Chelios and Joe Sakic looking a bit similar, and Chris Osgood looking really, really creepy.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Just a Story from a Player's Perspective: Tie Domi

(Yes, I really am afraid of the real Tie Domi finding this site and kicking my ass. And when I'm on the phone, I do sound like a ten-year-old boy.)

Well, I finally caved. After years of resistance, I figured it was high time I explored the Internet and computers. I used to leave all that stuff to an assistant of mine, but then I realized I wouldn’t always have him around.

After some hunting and pecking, I found Google. Then, just for giggles, I searched my name—just to see what happens. After looking through a bunch of fight videos and other stuff, I found two words that deserved a punching:

Loser. Domi.

Who the hell is this punk calling me a loser? What a jerk! He’s probably a Sens fan or something. Make fun of my name, will ya? Nobody makes fun of me and gets away with it, except for me and Rick Mercer.

After talking with some geeks at Futureshop (why do they call it Futureshop when they don’t even sell the future? That’s what I want to know) I found out you can figure out where people are based on where their Internet comes from. At least, that’s how I think it works. I’m still new to this computer stuff. After some computer stuff, I found out where Loser Domi was. I set out to teach this jackass a lesson.

I found the house where his signal was coming from. I limbered up a bit, since it’s been a while since I beat the tar out of somebody. I knocked on the door and hollered “Loser Domi! Where the hell are ya?” A voice that sounded like a ten-year-old boy replied, “Hang on, I’ll be right there.”

I saw a young woman come to the door. When she saw me, all the color drained from her face and she yelled “HOLY SHIT, someone showed you the Internet! Please don’t kill me!’
“Why would I kill you?” I asked. “I’m here to teach this Loser Domi fella a lesson!”

“But…” she stammered, “I’m Loser Domi. I’ve always been afraid of the day when someone would show you my site and you’d think I was making fun of you and kick my ass!”

I was stunned. I started “Well…that was originally why I came here…but I didn’t know they let girls on the Internet without showing their boobs. And I REALLY didn’t know they let them on to write about hockey. Hrmmm…tell you what—do you like burgers?”

She nodded, “Yes.”

“Do you like beer?” I continued.

She answered, “Uh…yeah. Yeah, I like beer.”

I smiled and added, “Then how’s about we go over to Wendel’s and talk about it over some burgers and beer?”

She looked confused and said, “But…don’t you realize that Wendel’s is a few hundred miles away and in another country?”

I shurugged. “So? You got a passport?”

She nodded yes. I answered, “Well, then, get your coat and let’s go.”

At Wendel’s, she taught me all about the Internet and how “blogging” really isn’t some dirty Swedish sex act.

“Well…anything that promotes the Lefas and bacon can’t be all bad!” I said.
“Yeah!” she answered. “It’s really fun and…holy shit, it’s Wendel Clark!”

Wendel turned around and said, half-jokingly, “Hey! No goddam swearing in my fucking restaurant! Hey Domi, you ever find that jerk who was calling you a loser on the computer?”

I replied, “Wendel, you’re looking at her.”

“Wendel, does this mean you’re gonna punch out all of my blood now?” the girl asked nervously.
Wendel laughed.

“Nah, don’t be silly. That ‘punch out all your blood’ rumour is just some stupid joke on the Internet.” Then Wendel leaned in closer to her and continued “Sometimes organs come out too. I still have Bob Probert’s kidney in a jar on my mantel.” He stood up again. “So…are you a Leafs fan?”

The girl smiled and said, “Well, yeah, of course.” Wendel grinned and asked “How would you like to meet some other Leafs?”

I could tell the girl was nervous. A voice from behind us said, “Don’t worry. Off-ice, Wendel’s just a big Fu-Manchu’d teddy bear.” The voice was Doug Gilmour, who added, “Sorry I’m late you guys. Sometimes you just can’t get good help. Who’s the girl?”

I explained to him how I found her and who she was. Dougie grinned and asked “Any chance I could get you to babysit my kids?”

She chuckled. “Only if you show me the cow tights.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Firday Youtube Yoinkage: Mustachulence!

Since November is MOvember for prostate cancer awareness (I'd totally do it, except I'm female and can't) , and since Kavel Pubina and Karina at Pension Plan puppets suggested it, I decided to make this issue of the FYY a tribute to great hockey mustaches.

Clip one is, naturally, the Wendel Clark "All Heart" tribute. The man had a 'stash of greatness from the word "go"

Clip two is an interview with keeper of West Coast stachulence, gentleman and scholar George Parros:

Clip three is a look at MHL10 featuring Ian White (who might have given this interview after chugging a Costco-sized bottle of cough syrup) and Wendel Clark. It's almost too much mushstachulence.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Matt Stajan talks to the haters.

Several days ago, I received a message in my inbox from one “". I don’t know if it’s real, but it appears to be from Maple Leafs forward Matt Stajan. So without further ado, take it away, Matty!

(Photo Credit:

Hi folks. I’m Matt Stajan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I know some people might be questioning my abilities to improve this hockey club, so let me set the record straight. This is for all the haters out there, especially you, Eyebleaf—Mr. Sports and the City. Tomas Kaberle doesn’t love you! He’s just after you for your….money? Nah. Good looks? Likely. For using you as a portable manservant? Probably.

Anyway, I know some of you out there on the Internet may be haters hating on me and making negative comments. Some of you say that I look scared and that I should not be eating spaghetti . But you know what? I’m….way off topic, never mind.

Some might suggest that I’m as soft as a creampuff, or a kitten, but so what? Cream puffs are delicious! Kittens are adorable! Not everyone can be a big hulking brute. If I got in a fight and badly cut up, how would the little children with cancer react? They’d freak the hell out, that’s how! Besides, I can be tough. I was tough on environmental stuff when I told people about Earth Hour! You gotta be tough about that kind of thing, right?

And I’m good for team morale. For example, I do impressions which make the team gel and laugh together, so we work better as a team. Here’s me impersonating a tough guy:

here’s me doing an impersonation of Pavel Kubina:
(Photo credit: probably AP/Yahoo, but I've had this one for a while)

and a guy getting laid for the first time ever:

(photo credit: best interview screen grab ever)

See? I’m useful.

Besides, if it wasn’t for me and my ridiculous good looks, all the tweeners and high school ladies of the GTA wouldn’t be fawning over me and the Leafs. They’d be fawning over another player…

That’s right, Jason Spezza. Who would wish more Sens fans upon the world? Who wants more fans of GiggleTits and his psycho laugh? That’s just….wrong.

Well Leafs fans, I got to go. John Mitchell tells me they switched from a regular soccer ball to a Nerf one, so we can’t get hurt as easily. Gotta go practice!

Go Leafs Go!

Matt “Mathew” Stajan


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