Sunday, September 28, 2008

MLSE Asks Matt Stajan to Die a Tragic, Early Death

Representatives from Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment announced earlier today that the organization has asked centre Matt Stajan to die a tragic and early death.

“It was a decision that I put forth to MLSE in order to make the team stronger” said coach Ron Wilson in a statement released this morning. “I suggested that perhaps the tragic and premature death of a young team mate might be enough to motivate the team to a better record.”

MLSE has suggested several ways for the 24-year old Ontario native to die so as to maximize the tragic aspect of his death, “including but not limited to: car or boating accident while sober, accidental drowning, skiing mishap, struck by lightning, severe but unforeseen allergic reaction, or a rare and degenerative disease that he had been battling for several years. While there are many other ways of death available to Mr. Stajan, MLSE must request that he not resort to suicide or any method that involves illicit drugs so as to not bring shame to the association"

Stajan, pictured here giving the camera his serious face, was less than enthusiastic about the plan. He told sources earlier today, “Sure, I, uhhhhhhhhh am, ummmmm flattered that, uhhhhh MLSE and the powers that be, uhhhhhh thought I was a promising enough of a player that ummmmm my death would mean something to the team. I don’t know why uhhhhh I have to die though. Couldn’t I just ummmmmmm, get, like, a bad injury or uhhhhhh a really bad haircut or something instead?”

Stajan’s team mate Alex Steen agrees with Wilson’s thinking. The forward told sources today, “You know, I think that if Matt were to die, I’d surely play better. It’s what he would have wanted. In fact, I bet the whole team would suck about 27% less.”

Not every player was as enthusiastic as Steen, however. Defenseman Ian White was quoted as saying, “Coach [Wilson] says that a terrible death will make us all, like, bind together, you know, like ‘win one for the Gipper” type style. But I can’t figure out how Matty [Stajan] dying is going to stop me from tripping over my own feet and getting stupid penalties.”

(Glove tap to Facebook for the amazing image)

Friday, September 26, 2008

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, September 26, 2008

Oh balls, another FYY I totally forgot about? For shame, LD, for shame. No real theme other than I'm damn lazy and I need to put up three clips.

Clip one: How to cook a turkey using a lightbulb and some DVDs. I just wish I had thought of this back when I was still living in the dorms so I could make everyone else jealous.

Clip two: One of the best questions ever asked: Bush or Batman:

Clip three:DO I even really need to explain a mash-up of Transformers and "Intergalactic" ?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Triumphant Return...of LOLEAFS, MOFO!

OK, fine, no actual Leafs pictures, but it's still good.

(Original photo credit: (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic))

(Original photo credit: (AP Photo/Luis M. Alvarez))
(Original photo Credit:(AP Photo/Luis M. Alvarez))

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, September 19, 2008

By now you've all probably read my season preview of the Maple Leafs on either MYFO or The Bleacher Report In order to write it I had one of the three following videos playing almost anytime I was at a computer for at least a week. I really recommend having the audio of some variant of Bohemian Rhapsody playing while reading what I wrote. It really adds to the experience.

Clip one: The real Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm pretty sure that grinding noise you hear is Freddie Mercury rolling over in his grave:

Clip Two: The very Excellent Brohemian Rahpsody:

Clip three: The Zero Wing Rhapsody . Sorry for the link but I took the actual home for it on Newgrounds (instead of the stolen YouTube Version.)

OH yeah, the lyrics:

Is this the season?

Is this it finally?

Who am I kidding, No escape from reality…

I cannot lie, Leafs fans will cry, you see

I’m just a Leafs fan, I need no sympathy

Because it’s “the Leafs suck!” “no, they blow!”

Cutting grass and golfing jokes

Any way the ref goes doesn’t really matter to me, to me

Sundin won’t wear the C

But just might if we find he finally makes up his mind

Stocked up on mid grade D-men

Will they self assemble just like Voltron?

Prob’leeee nooo-ooo-oot

Barring strange new miracles

The Leafs D-squad is mostly made of cardboard

Tape him up, trainer guy

Job security for the win

PK for shutting down

Keeps us asking all the time

“What the hell is with these lines?”

Lacking such a presence of big bodies

A boarding call is not a pillow fight

Maplllllle Lee-ee-eeafs,(any way the ref goes) driving me to drink

I won’t have a liver by the time you win the Cup!

(Awesome guitar solo. Go ahead and rock out, I’ll wait.) [RD Note: Thanks--air guitar time!]

I see a team of basement cleaners for the year

That’s OK! I don’t care! It gets better soon right?

Lose to Kings and Lightning, Stajan’s really fighting WHAA??

What the Hell? (What the Hell?)What the Hell? (What the Hell?) What the Hell is going on?

Is that CuJo? AT least he’s not Raycroft, and he was pretty cheap

At least it’s not Raycroft wearing the Maple Leaf, he’ll get another chance if he comes back for cheap

The Leafs suck, no they blow, your mom’s still a ho

Un’ca Cliff making such great trades (He did not!)

Un’ca Cliff making such great trades (He did not!)

Un’ca Cliff making such great trades (He did not!)

making such great trades (He did not!)

making such great trades (He did not!) ah,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh not again, not again! (not another easy goal)

The Maple Leafs just got shutout by Florida, Flor’da FLORIDA!!

(Commence head banging!)

Who’s the real owner here? Is there some evil plot?

“why should we have a good team when we can just suck?”

Bullllllshiiiit. Who would ever believe that?

Just gotta get a flask, some reasons I drink booze right here

(more awesome solo skills)

Ooooooooooh oooooh Go Leafs, go Leafs

Nothing really matters, anyone can see

We’re tumbling for Tavares

Nothing really matters, go Leafs

Any way the ref goes…

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Loser League

OK, so I just switched the draft staus to "ready". I'm not sure what that means exactly, but the final count for people is the following:

*Wrap Around Curl
*Chris W (of the NHL Arena)
*Lori (of Hockey, Football and Stiletto shoes)
*Zack (newish recent commenter)
*Leaf Fan in Van (PPP goon)
*Scotty Hockey
*Sherry (Scarlett Ice)
*Sean L(eahy?)
*Reasonable Doubt

Good luck you guys, and no go out and suck hard!

UPDATE: so last night they did the autodraft. Here's my team:
Joel Lundqvist
Mikhail Grabovski
Derek Boogaard
Michael Cammalleri
Matt D'Agostini
Mathieu Dandenault
Mathieu Roy
Mark Streit
Mathieu Schneider
Kimmo Timonen
Kevyn Adams
Patrick Thoresen
Adam Hall
Antero Niittymaki
Tobias Stephan
Curtis Sanford

There were two players who are now "NA", but I'll deal with that later. To the Sucking!

A Player's Perspective: Sidney Crosby

To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I tackle the one and only Sidney Crosby Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.

Let me tell you a story about a celebration that went wrong. I was out with some of my buddies celebrating my birthday (no it wasn’t like this . Actually, I wish it could’ve been like that.) We were all out and I saw this pink hatter in jeans and a sweater. If you ask me, the cropped Crosby jersey is always a good choice. We got to talking—I forget what about since I wasn’t really paying attention anyway—and eventually she and I decided to go back to her place. I figured I’d be nice to Mario and not interrupt him during his Tivo’d stories. He hates it when I do that.

She brought me into her place and said “I’m going to go slip into something more comfortable.” As I grabbed a chair in the kitchen/living room I noticed that she had a riding crop on a small table. I couldn’t figure it out. I mean, she lives in an apartment in Pittsburgh—where does she keep a riding horse? I didn’t get much of a chance to think about it because she came back in the room. Now, she said she was going to get “into something more comfortable.” She had changed from a jersey and jeans into a leather bustier and six-inch stiletto boots. How is that “more comfortable”? I don’t get it.

Before I knew it, she had me naked and was tying me to the bedposts. It was so weird—why would she tie me up when I didn’t want to leave? She asked me “How do you like my ball-gag, Sid?” and she shoved a ball gag in my mouth and tied it tight. I told her, “I don’t want to do this! You’re actually scaring the hell out of me, woman!”, but on account of eth ball gaga it sounded more like “ I hon ant ‘a ‘ou fis, ‘our a lully skairn a ‘ell ouva me!” At this point a large black Batman appeared with a bat-mask and bat-cape but no bat-pants. I saw that and freaked out. I somehow busted the bed posts and I ran like hell. I didn’t even care that I was totally naked, had a ball gag in my mouth and had two broken bedposts tied to my wrists. I got home (I run really fast) and pounded on the window, since my key was in the pants that I was no longer wearing. I could already hear Mario grumbling “this had better be good for me to miss Theo being autistic. "

He opened the door and rushed me in, saying “I can’t fuckin’ believe it! I’d expect this kind of shit from Jordan Staal, but not from you, Sid. You have to stop hunting cougars, man.”

Monday, September 15, 2008

MYFO, mofos!

If you haven't already, you should all mosey on over to Melt Your Face Off for my preview of YOUR Toronto Maple Leafs.

Also, The Loser Brigade is pretty much filled (I think there are 11 out of the 12 spots taken.) The Autodraft will happen soon. I'll keep you posted.

Friday, September 12, 2008

FYY September 12, 2008


No real theme this time, just awesome stuff this time.

Clip 1: Spoof of the great interrogation scene from Dark Knight:

Clip 2: a perfect illustration of why I want a Yoshi NOW.

Clip 3: The song "What is Love?" As performed on Mario paint. It's strangely hypnotic.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Loser League UPDATE

The Loser Brigade is well on its way. I have so far regular commenters and a few folks who have seen the light of my corner of teh interwebs. I have the following people signed up:

*Wrap Around Curl
*Chris W (of the NHL Arena)
*Lori (of Hockey, Football and Stiletto shoes)
*Zack (newish recent commenter)
*Leaf Fan in Van (PPP goon)
*Scotty Hockey

The max number of teams I can have is 12, so by my math, there's still room for a few more teams! Just remember, in THIS league, we're trying to draft the WORST players first. If you are interested, all the info is in the first post on the loser league. Cheers!

Monday, September 8, 2008

A Player's Perspective: Alex Ovechkin

To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I’m doing something a little different—I’m rewriting an actual dream I had once from the perspective of Alexander Ovechkin. Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.

One night some group asked me to speak at a dinner party or banquet or something. I couldn’t figure out why they wanted me since what I was supposed to talk about had nothing to do with hockey. To be honest, I don’t remember what I had to talk about. Whatever. Afterwards there was this dinner party type thing—you know, where you walk around and talk to people with little plates of little cheeses and fruit and stuff? It was one of those. It wasn’t really a party, you know, there wasn’t even no disco ball or anything.

I met a kinda cute girl there. We talked for a little bit, even though it was sort of awkward. She seemed really nervous, like I was going to eat her or something. I would never do such a thing—especially since she didn’t seem to have much meat on her anyway.

She said, “You know I actually write a hockey blog? Well, it’s not really a hockey blog. I mean, I write about hockey but, like, in a fun sense. I, uh, rewrite movies and stuff like that but with hockey players and funny stuff.” She sighed and added, “Ok fine, it’s basically fanfic but I’d like to think it’s written better than most other fanfics. I mean, I don’t make the players fall in love with me or with each other. I’m on quite a few blogrolls and face book.”

Anyway, I said to her, “Really? I don’t think I know it. What’s it called?”

She says, “It’s Loser Domi. You see, I named it after the player Tie Domi, only I’m not a tie, I’m more of a loser.”

I told her, “Why are you not Winner Domi? You shouldn’t speak so bad about yourself like that.

She said, “It’s so I’m not bragging. I try to be a humble person.” Like I said, she was really nervous. The way she was talking I could have thought she’s Will Leitch’s lost sister or something. Maybe she should do decaf or something. Anyway, we talked for a bit longer and she mentioned how she was moving (who talks about that at a cool party? Whatever) and how she didn’t know if she would have a refrigerator.

I told her “Well, I just bought a new refrigerator. You could have my old one.”

She says, “Oh no, you don’t have to do that. It’s far too generous for someone you just met.”

I told her, “No, you know, it’s just sitting around, you know, I want to see someone who needs it get use of it.”

The next day, I called a moving company and had them get the refrigerator. I wrote a little note saying “Hallo! This is for my Winner Do mi! Have fun! Ovie, 2008 (drawing of a happy guy.)”

Thursday, September 4, 2008

IT's about time

I can now register a league for Yahoo! Since it's my first time, I've decided to be lazy and just autodraft. Unfortunately, it appears there are no negative multipliers, but we can still try to shoot for the bottom on our own. This means the person "winning" would be the person who before playoffs would be the person who is dead last (Hey, that's where I usually am!) Again, since this is my very first league I apoligize in advance for any tech/drafting/etc SNAFUS that may occur.

League name: Loser Brigade
Password: ldrocks
My team name: Wysh!SmellsLikeRoses
league URL:
league number: 5173

Now, the important part: prizes! You can win any number of categories, such as:
1: The Magilla Gorilla Memorial Prize for most punnerific team name
2: The Pvt. Lavernius Tucker Prize for team name most deserving to the phrase"Bow Chicka bow wow"

Some other thing for Best name overall

I'll take any other suggestions for awards, no matter how ridiculous. The winner of these awards will receive the LOLeaf of his or her choice. The winner will be decided via a poll that will go up at the end of the season.

Now, the person who actually wins the league will receive not only his or her choice LOLeaf, but will receive the entire series (including comments) of his/her choice lovingly bound (read: stapled together). Examples include Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque, Cock Knockers, Inc., Leafer Madness, The JFJ Suicide Watch [I have no one link fo0r this since I never labeled it, but they are here ,here, here here here here] Travels with Carlo. I am not sure what other ones I have available right now, and to be honest trying to find all the parts of JFJ's suicide was a bit taxing (plus I need fooding now.)

LD needs fooding and caffeine ...grargh.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bizzarro Leafs Report: Carlo Colaiacovo Legally changes name to Kenny McCormick

After years of having his name butchered, mispronounced and misspelled Toronto Maple Leaf defenceman Carlo Colaiacovo announced earlier today that he will legally change his name to the more announcer-friendly "Kenny McCormick."

"Mis mjust measier mor erreemuddy", said Colaiacovo through a bright orange parka, an odd choice of clothing for this time of year. "Mos peppl may mat mey cant msay mor sell my nam. I mwant tmo mak mit measir mon erremuddy."

When informed of the name chance, longtime "Hockey Night in Canada" commentator Don Cherry proclaimed, "I like it! It's about time the Frenchie or Russki or whatever the hell he is got a good ol' Canadian name that us normal folks can pronounce !" When informed that Colaiacovo is in fact, from Toronto, Cherry replied, "Really? no way. Now get off my damn lawn , I'm late for a tanning appointment!"


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