Matt Stajan talks to the haters.

Several days ago, I received a message in my inbox from one “matt.stajan.rocks@mailingaddresscom". I don’t know if it’s real, but it appears to be from Maple Leafs forward Matt Stajan. So without further ado, take it away, Matty!

(Photo Credit: mapleleafs.com)


Hi folks. I’m Matt Stajan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I know some people might be questioning my abilities to improve this hockey club, so let me set the record straight. This is for all the haters out there, especially you, Eyebleaf—Mr. Sports and the City. Tomas Kaberle doesn’t love you! He’s just after you for your….money? Nah. Good looks? Likely. For using you as a portable manservant? Probably.


Anyway, I know some of you out there on the Internet may be haters hating on me and making negative comments. Some of you say that I look scared and that I should not be eating spaghetti . But you know what? I’m….way off topic, never mind.

Some might suggest that I’m as soft as a creampuff, or a kitten, but so what? Cream puffs are delicious! Kittens are adorable! Not everyone can be a big hulking brute. If I got in a fight and badly cut up, how would the little children with cancer react? They’d freak the hell out, that’s how! Besides, I can be tough. I was tough on environmental stuff when I told people about Earth Hour! You gotta be tough about that kind of thing, right?

And I’m good for team morale. For example, I do impressions which make the team gel and laugh together, so we work better as a team. Here’s me impersonating a tough guy:


here’s me doing an impersonation of Pavel Kubina:
(Photo credit: probably AP/Yahoo, but I've had this one for a while)

and a guy getting laid for the first time ever:

(photo credit: best interview screen grab ever)

See? I’m useful.

Besides, if it wasn’t for me and my ridiculous good looks, all the tweeners and high school ladies of the GTA wouldn’t be fawning over me and the Leafs. They’d be fawning over another player…



That’s right, Jason Spezza. Who would wish more Sens fans upon the world? Who wants more fans of GiggleTits and his psycho laugh? That’s just….wrong.

Well Leafs fans, I got to go. John Mitchell tells me they switched from a regular soccer ball to a Nerf one, so we can’t get hurt as easily. Gotta go practice!

Go Leafs Go!

Matt “Mathew” Stajan