the works here are entirely FICTION and/or my own opinion and are written primarily for my own enjoyment. I hope you enjoy them as well, but if you don't, I won't be losing any sleep at night. Feel free to hit me up at loserdomi@gmail.com (or any post's comments sections) with suggestions, ideas, etc. Thanks for reading!
also, feel free to hit me up at loserdomi (at) gmail.com
(SCENE: ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY and RYAN HOLLWEG are sitting on a pair of metal folding chairs in PONIKARVOSKY’S basement. Behind HOLLWEG’s chair is a life sized cardboard standup of NIK ANTROPOV. An old video camera is mounted on a tripod, filming the pair)
PONIKAROVSKY: Hallo and welcomes to Poni Super Awesome Sho that is Excellent. Thanks to trade deadline, there is no Antro (almost cries) so I need new cohost. Today I bring you Ryan Hollweg! HOLLWEG: Thanks for having me Poni, but uh, this Antro cut out is kinda creeping me out. It’s like the eyes just stare into your soul— PONIKAROVSKY: THERE’S NO MOCKING ANTRO! HOLLWEG: Look, I know you’re probably still hurting over the trade, but— PONIKAROVSKY: NEVER MIND! Now, what is it like on Marlies Squad? (into to Like a Boss--lyrics NSFW-- comes out of nowhere) HOLLWEG: Nothing special. PONIKAROVSKY: Is a typical day for Marlies like playing for the Leafs? HOLLWEG: Well, it’s pretty similar, but there are some differences. PONIKAROVSKY: like what? HOLLWEG: well, the first thing I do is…
Slick my hair back (Like a Boss!) With Bacon grease (Like a Boss!) Drink some coffee (Like a Boss!) Work my gluets (Like a Boss!) Mock Tlusty (Like a Boss!) Eat some pickles (Like a Boss!) Cross check old ladies (Like a Boss!) From behind (Like a Boss!) Hit on puck sluts (Like a Boss!) Get rejected (Like a Boss!) Baloney sandwich (Like a Boss!) Check my email (Like a Boss!) No messages (Like a Boss!) Start a fight (Like a Boss!)—oh shit, man I can’t fuckin do it sheeeeeiiit Get my ass kicked (Like a Boss!) Prank call Pogge (Like a Boss!) Fifth of whiskey (Like a Boss!) Piss on some lady (Like a Boss!) Shoot myself (Like a Boss!) In the face (Like a Boss!) Now I’m dead!
PONIKAROVSKY: And this is normal day for you? HOLLWEG: Hell yeah PONIKAROVSKY: You piss on ladies and died? HOLLWEG: I’m Like a Boss! PONIKAROVSKY: Yea, you say dat like a thousand times. HOLLWEG: Like a Boss! PONIKAROVSKY: Schenn, get out here! (LUKE SCHENN appears and knocks HOLLWEG to the ground) SCHENN: You are now carrying my child.
(SCENE: ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY, NIK ANTROPOV and DOMINIC MOORE are sitting on some folding chairs in ANTROPOV’s basement. A video camera is set up on a tripod filming them.) ANTROPOV: Hello! I am Nik Antropov! PONIKAROVSKY: An I is Alex Ponikarovsky! ANTROPOV: Welcome to Antrov and Poni Awesome Show that Is Good. PONIKAROVSKY: Why is your name first? All the time, “Antro and Poni” ANTROPOV: Dat’s how they do it in hockey, is by last names. PONIKAROVSKY: But by first names, Alexei comes before Nik. MOORE: Uh, guys... PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry. And we also has special guest, Serial Killer college boy— ANTROPOV:(harsh whisper)Don’t say that to his face! PONIKAROVSKY:(harsh whisper): Why not? Why are you whispering? ANTROPOV: (whisper) He’s right THERE! MOORE: So, uh, I’m Dominic Moore and— PONIKAROVSKY: (normal voice) Right. Is big show today. We gots Dominic Moore who is totally not a serial killer like the guy from dat show, and later we has Matt Stajan for talkings about stuff. (ANTROPOV’s phone rings) ANTROPOV: Hello? And wha? To where? (sad face) ok. Ok. (hangs up) I’d traded to Rangers of New York. PONIKAROVSKY: Wha? Oh noes, it cants…(breaks down crying) ANTROPOV: Is ok Poni, I shell be Ranger of New York, which is better than being Ranger of Old York, with Chuck Norris. MOORE: Chuck Norris isn’t on the Rangers, that was just some dumb TV show! PONIKAROVSKY: You’s ruining moment (ANTROPOV starts bawling as well) ANTROPOV: I promised I wouldn’t cry… STAJAN(From backstage, which is a shower curtain): DAMMIT! Why do all my friends keep getting traded?! Fuck this! I’m going to Tim’s and getting some donuts! And then...somewhere to get a bottle of tequila! (Storms out of basement) (MOORE’s phone rings) MOORE: Hello? Yeah. To Buffalo?...oh. Ok. Uh, thanks. Yeah, I can be there. Ok. (MOORE hangs up, looks left and looks right, sneaks away from sobbing PONIKAROVSKY and ANTROPOV.) Buffalo can’t be that bad, can it?
But really, Rebel_Yell and Antrobot_80000, thanks for everything.
(note: the following video of how Nik Antropov and Alexei Ponikarvosky are so different kind of inspired Jaredoflondon and I to write this. Glove tap to Jared)
(SCENE: ANTROPOV, PONIKAROVSKY, and TOSKALA are sitting on some folding chairs in Nik Antropov’s basement. A video camera is set up on a tripod filming them.) ANTROPOV:Hi I am Antropov! TOSKALA: who are you laaaike, talking to? ANTROPOV: Is start of show! to audience! TOSKALA: Wat audience? PONIKAROVSKY: Oh yes, Hi I is Alexi! ANTROPOV: Welcome to "the Super Awesome Antro and Poni Show that is good" PONIKAROVSKY: We have awesome guests like Vesa Toskala and Jasonblake doing a spinny thing. TOSKALA: I thought you laaike saaaid this would be a show, where is the chrowd? Is that Jiri's Camera? I rheeckognize if from laaike....nevehermind ANTROPOV: it is small sho, underground PONIKAROVSKY: we's even in basement for it ANTROPOV: shut it Poni PONIKAROVSKY: no Nik, stop it ANTROPOV:Is even catered. Alex, you call dominos yet? order cheesebourger pizza, is great! PONIKAROVSKY: Nik, is your turn dis week BLAKE: (from backstage, which is behind a shower curtain)Hey guys, when do I come out for the stupid animal tricks? You know, my spinny trick in the shootout and stuff? ANTROPOV: we's no done wit vesa yet PONIKAROVSKY: yes, quiet Jason Blake BLAKE: quit calling me jasonblake. Just jason works PONIKAROVSKY: but is your name, jasonblake, why you not like it when we call you your name? jasonblake TOSKALA: is laiiike shake and bake ANTROPOV:is good one, Vesa! TOSKALA: So, when do we laaike get to talk about my cloths, i wore my laaike best micky mouse shirt ANTROPOV:(looks at poni) Jasonblake, you is on now, do your spinny trick for camera PONIKAROVSKY: Haha, like hamster wheel! BLAKE:I don't know why, but people keep sending me this video of a hamster eating popcorn. I can't get that song out of my head ANTROPOV:Hamster on a piano! BLAKE: GAH I can't forget it it's burnt into my brain ANTROPOV: is cute, little hamster dere PONIKAROVSKY: is stupid, high voice is annoying. and where is dominos? ANTROPOV: is not ordered yet, you has not picked up phone, cannot come if you not order! PONIKAROVSKY: is still your turn! i bought last time ANTROPOV:I buy, you order is how it goes, last time you buy i order you are ruining system PONIKAROVSKY: Youse making stuff up! Ders is no system ANTROPOV:Is clearly outlined in house rules, had serial killer college boy write up in english PONIKAROVSKY: He noes kill people, i sees no bodies ANTROPOV: Course he kills people, just looks like guy from show, show is messy, lots of bloods. Has lots of plastic wrap in car, told me they for leftovers, but is way more plastic wrap den one guy needs BLAKE: Wait, are you guys talking about Dominic Moore? Well, he does kinda look like Dexter…nevermind, this is getting too weird, I’m out of here. (goes upstairs) TOSKALA: uh guys is dat laaaike, de lenscap is still on? BLAKE: (from upstairs) Sweet, who ordered the pizza? PONIKAROVSKY: FUCK! Antro you forgot lenses cap is on ANTROPOV: is not even mine camera! you forgots! TOSKALA: Jason, what kind of pizza is it? BLAKE: tastes like a hamburger...no a cheeseburger! (ANTROPOV And PONIKAROVSKY Look at each other) ANTROPOV:I LIKES PIZZA PONIKAROVSKY: I likes cheesbourgers... ANTROPOV:how coulds you no like cheesbourgers? PONIKAROVSKY: JASONBLAKE NO EATS OUR CHEESEBOURGERS PIZZA! TOSKALA: I thought no one laaike ordered pizza, where did this come from? ANTROPOV: Quite yous, you is spoiling moment PONIKAROVSKY: is magic pizza fairy! (all run upstairs) BLAKE: It was sitting right here on the table when I came up, there was a note too but the grease ruined it, the only part I could make out was love Pa Ku ina. What do you think that means? ANTROPOV:Is Hawaiian pizza? PONIKAROVSKY: is little white thing on dis piece, like tiny foot balls and is still good ANTROPOV: I feels all tingly… PONIKAROVSKY: Hawaiian cheesbourgers? Is weird is crazy! BLAKE: here Vesa, have some magic pizza. TOSKALA: I can't it laaaike wrecks my complexion ANTROPOV:I can not feel my legs, pizza is good, dis reminds me of last time Hobo guy make us drinks PONIKAROVSKY:jaaaaaayyyyyyaaaaasonblaaake, it feels funny on my tongue BLAKE: I just realized your last name is Poni, like pooooony, you know the mini horse? poooony, whoa, the walls are melting KUBINA:(watching through binoculars): excellent, plan is in effect KABERLE: what you watching? KUBINA: Uh...nothing, I thought you were looking at houses in Philadelphia KABERLE: dat's just some dumb rumour in internet, is not true KUBINA: Oh, I was all excited to meet dis Jeff Carter man, he look like he would enjoy nice roofie collada KABERLE: roofie colada? KUBINA: Is secret recipe. Yes, you had one last night, liked it much a lot. You no complain of your hand hurting anymore. KABERLE: I don’t remember KUBINA: That is point--you was so stressed I thought you'd like something relaxing (GRABOVSKI enters) GRABOVSKI: Has you guys seen my pineapple? I was going to make crazy cake! is with pined apples and is upside down! KABERLE: That is not cake, is mess, you just stab pined apple with big knife, is juice everywhere! Is sticky now KUBINA: You say you was going to clean it, you not, maybe you need refreshing drink...for energy
