Time to say Goodbye: Jason Blake

The man who brought us "FISTPUMP!" and "he looks like smashed hamster" has left the Leafs. Did you know he once scored 40 goals in one season? Never mind he has scored 51 goals TOTAL in the 2.5 seasons since then, but hey, cancer sucks ass.

Great Moments in WWoLD history:
Labeled moments here...threatened to "Crush Luke Schenn"...Got shot by the Hell's Angels...introduced us all to the "Hanukkah Fairy"...was rather generous for my second blogthday... had all of his cancer punched out by Wendel Clark.

What I learned from Jason Blake:

Well, he did have this great cameo in a video where a bunch of now-former Leafs (and Luke Schenn) Talk about Valentine's Day (I think it's near the end, when Monika is talking to Dominic Moore)

Well Jason, have fun in Sunny Anaheim.

Here are some dancing hamsters for everyone to enjoy!

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, January 14, 2010

Today's theme is Luke Schenn

In Clip one, Jason Blake talks about "Crushing" Luke at the 2009 World Championships. What an ambitious little hamster


In clip two, Schenn and Alex Steen got to school


In clip three, Luke tells us about "Luke's troops", which is a much better volunteer effort than Phil Kessel gave here.

Holiday Kesstacular, part 3 (part1)

(SCENE: PHIL KESSEL is at a store where ATTENDANT, a young man in his early 20s, is standing next to a box marked “Toys for AIDS and Cancer stricken orphans” )

PHIL KESSEL: Let’s see, I got the lights, the tape, wrapping paper…OH! The toy drive! Jeez, I knew I forgot something. How long will you guys be here? I’d love to give toys to AIDS and Cancer having orphans.

ATTENDANT: Actually…(sees BIKER GUY in distance give a “secret signal”) We’re closing up shop right now (starts packing up box)

KESSEL: What? But I really want to help out the poor orphans who have both AIDS and cancer! I really want to donate!

ATTENDANT: (hurriedly) No, no, we’re just fine, We gotta go now! No need to follow! (leaves)

(later, after practice, KESSEL tells some of the guys what happened earlier)

KESSEL:…And then he just ran out with the box! Isn’t that weird?

JASON BLAKE: That is pretty odd.

JAMAL MAYERS: We should ask around to see what’s up. Guys like us could really brighten things up for those orphans.

(The next day, at night, in an abandoned warehouse. MAYERS has brought several teddy bears, BLAKE has brought some pens and a few pads of graph paper, and KESSEL has brought hockey gear, all to be donated.)

KESSEL: Jason, are you sure this is when the guy said we should come?

BLAKE: Of course I’m sure. Dizzy D said he’d never lie to me, even if he did seem a bit twitchy, now that I think about it.

MAYERS: I got a bad feeling about this place.

KESSEL: Hey! It’s the donation box at the store earlier! Awesome! (MAYERS, BLAKE, KESSEL all place the goodies they brought inside of the box)

MAYERS: Hold on guys, this teddy bear in here has its head almost all the way off. We can’t give that one to sick kids.

KESSEL: Wait, there’s something in the body…(digs around inside the body.) OMIGOD it’s a baggie of cocaine!

BLAKE: And this “doll baby bottle” is probably a vial of heroin!

MAYERS: And this educational example of quartz is just crystal meth!

KESSEL: Who would do such a thing? What kind of monster would give toys full of illegal drugs to sick orphans? (gunshots from the dark hit BLAKE from behind)

BLAKE: (screams in pain as he slumps down dying) AHH! (whispered) 40…goal…scorer…(dies)

MAYERS: Phil, get down! (they duck behind the box of toys as BIKER GUY and ATTENDANT appear)

ATTENDANT: Man, oh man, we’re gonna need a new location, boss!

MAYERS: Look, scary biker guys, what’s going on? Why is Jason Blake dead? Why are you giving drugs to orphans?

BIKER GUY: You just happened upon the Hell’s Angels! It’s the best way we could think of to secretly transport drugs all over the country—nobody’s gonna be suspicious of people bringin’ toys for sick kids anywhere. And now, you gonna die! (loads and locks gun)

Will Phil Kessel and Jamal Mayer make it out of the Hell's Angels alive? Tune in next time for the conclusion of Part 3 of Holiday Kesstacular!

Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Holiday Episode

(This week's Friday YouTube Yoinkage has been pre-empted for this holiday special. EDIT: Apparently, Garrett Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove Fame agreed with me that Stempy should have a hat, so he put his Photoshoppery skills to practice and made me a new Stemps picture. Thanks, man!)

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house. He is on a couch with JASON BLAKE and GARNET EXELBY)

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello, and welcome to a special holiday edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak.” Naturally, I’m Lee Stempniak, and I’m here with Jason Blake and Garnet Exelby. They play hockey with me for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

GARNET EXELBY: Hi mom! I’m on a show!

STEMPNIAK: Whatever. Let’s start answering questions! Our first question comes from Anika in Port Hope, Ontario. She asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, it’s the holidays, which means lots of relatives coming over and cooking. We all love my Aunt Shelly, but she is a terrible cook—anything she makes is so bad, even the dog won’t touch it—but she still loves to cook for us. How can we get her to stop bringing food without hurting her feelings?”

JASON BLAKE: That’s kind of hard, especially since she loves it so much.

EXELBY: What if you told her that the party stuff was on a totally different day or time, so she wouldn’t even be there?

STEMPNIAK: They like her company, but it’s just her cooking they don’t like. You might want to plan ahead and say to Shelly, “Hey, we have plenty of pies and casseroles, but we need someone to bring in cups and napkins, can you do that?” So that way, she may not bring in food and you can still enjoy her company. Our next question is from Mark in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia asks, “Which is better: cake or pie?”

BLAKE: That’s the whole question?

STEMPNIAK: “Cake or pie?” That’s it.

BLAKE: Well, obviously cake, for the simple reason I’ve never heard of a mincemeat cake.

EXELBY: No way, pie is better. Cake’s too…fancy for me. Pie is a man’s desert because it just goes into deliciousness. You have to dress up and decorate a cake. Pie doesn’t need any of that crap. It’s good without any fancy coloring or frosting or anything.

STEMPNIAK: What about pie a la mode?

EXELBY: Well, you can have ice cream by itself, and you can have pie by itself. They’re independent, but still work well with each other. You can’t have just frosting or just cake.

BLAKE: But pie is so much harder to make than cake—it’s so much easier to screw up.

EXELBY: Then you’ve never seen me try to make cake. Chili is fine, but for some reason…cake is impossible.

STEMPNIAK: Cake is good, but pie is so versatile. You can have sweet pies, chicken pot pies…you could make a whole meal of multiple courses that are nothing but pies!

(30 minutes later)

BLAKE: …That still doesn’t change how wrong you are.

EXELBY: Oh, whatever!

STEMPNIAK: Guys—GUYS! Did we just spend half an hour talking about pie?

EXELBY: Holy crap, we did.

BLAKE: (snorts) What is this, Tuesday night at Martin Brodeur’s house?

STEMPNIAK: The next question is marked as “from Harvey Dent in Gotham” who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: What was it like living with Liam Neeson and Christian Bale on top of that mountain learning the ways of The League of Shadows? Were you pissed when Batman blew up your shit?”

BLAKE: That….makes no sense at all.

EXELBY: You know Christian Bale? Did he ever lose his shit with you?

STEMPNIAK: No, I don’t know Christian Bale, or Liam Neeson. But I’m sure they’re OK guys.

EXELBY: I dunno about Christian Bale, but I like Liam Neeson, especially after he saved all those Jews from JetPack Hilter.

BLAKE: …What the Hell?

EXELBY: I saw it! It was a true story! He had the coffee on the thing to make it look old and stuff.

(There is a knock at the door)

STEMPNIAK: Who is it?

VOICE: Hanukah Fairy.

EXELBY: The Hell’s a Hanukah fairy? I didn’t know any of us were Jewish…

STEMPNIAK: I’m gonna go answer.

BLAKE: I know I’m not Jewish… (STEMPNIAK gets up to answer the door. There is nobody there, but a flaming bag of dog waste is on the doormat)

STEMPNIAK: Good Lord! That could start a fire! (stomps it out) Oh, man!

BLAKE: (laughs hysterically)That was the best idea ever!

EXELBY: (also laughing) "Hanukah Fairy" ! Man, that's classic!

STEMPNIAK: What? It was you?!

BLAKE: It was my idea, but I paid a neighborhood kid to actually do it.

STEMPNIAK: (angry) Get out of my house!

EXELBY: Do we still get our money and Hot Pockets for hanging out with you?

STEMPNIAK: I hate you guys.

Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.

Blogiversary 2: This Time it's not Blogiversary 1!

(SCENE: LOSER DOMI enters a darkened room. As soon as she enters, ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS turn on the lights)
ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS: SURPRISE! Happy Blogthday!
LOSER DOMI: What the? Wait…I can’t believe you guys are having a party for the blog! Holy shit, this is so cool!
JASON BLAKE: Well, it’s been two years of blogging, which is like five years doing something in real time.
LD: But I would have thought that the Leafs would hate the blog. I mean, I make fun of you guys horribly. I’m not all that flattering to you.
JOHN MITCHELL: Not everyone likes it, but all the cool guys like us here love it, D. Like, Whitey couldn’t be here, ‘cuz he and Stajan are helping Schenner take care of his 400 babies, but he told me to tell you he thinks your writing is some of the funniest shit online.
BLAKE: Grabovski HATES it on account of how you make him talk so funny. He was all set to “kick dis Loser Domi’s ass” until I told him you were a girl and showed him your picture. He couldn’t believe they let girls on the internet to write about hockey. Now he just glares at the screen and grinds his teeth.
MITCHELL: Stajan is really confused by it, cuz he likes how he’s “Stupid Sexy Stajan”, but he doesn’t like how you make him cry so much, or how he got tasered.
LD: I guess that tasering was a bit much…
TOMAS KABERLE: I am not a Mexican! But I do like tacos… Happy Blogthday anyway!
LD: No, you’re a Czechican, there’s a difference. But thank you so much for the sombrero and the greatest hits of Queen!
KABERLE: All three volumes! (LEE STEMPNIAK enters)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Sorry I’m late, everybody. Happy Blogday, LD!
LD: Lee Stempniak? YOU’RE a fan?
STEMPNIAK: Of course I’m a fan! You gave me my own show! Nobody’s ever noticed me that much before. (LD Opens STEMPNIAK’s gift)
LD: A Leafs jersey, cool! Thanks! (Turns it over) …With your name on it?
STEMPNIAK: Well, I figured, you’re a Leafs fan, and I happen to be a Leafs player...you know, on the hockey team…
LD: Oh cool, you even got it small enough so I can wear it as a shirt and not as a tent. How nice!
MITCHELL: Well, my wife and I weren’t sure what the “Traditional” second anniversary gift is. We know first is paper and tenth is tin or something like that, but we didn’t know about second year so….I just got you two pounds of bacon and a Leafs hat.
BLAKE: Really? Because I got her 2 pounds of bacon and a Leafs hoodie. Awkward…
LD: Don’t worry! You guys know how much I love bacon and free Leafs gear! You’re both so generous. Thank you so much!
NIK HAGMAN: I wishing you Happy Blogoluxe Day!
LD: Nik Hagman? But I never write about you.
HAGMAN: I still like reading it, for how you make Grabovski talk funny and how you make fun of Vesa’s manpurse. (LD open’s HAGMAN’s gift)
LD: It’s…a very nice picture of your smoking hot wife. And it’s signed… “Have a good time! Nik Hagman!” Nik, are you asking me…to be in a threesome?
HAGMAN: OHO! Look at the times! I have a…food…in the oven, I must be leaving! (HAGMAN leaves and DELIVERY GUY enters)
DELIVERY GUY: Flowers here for a Ms. Loser Domi. Huh, kind of an odd name. Is that Dutch or something?
LD: That’s me. (Reads card with the flowers) “Dear LD, I was going to come to your party, but on my way I got struck by two different bolts of lightning, and then run over by a bus. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Keep on blogging! Hugs and kisses, Mike Van Ryn.” Aww, how sweet! (MIKE KOMISAREK enters)
MIKE KOMISAREK: OK, I gotta make this quick ‘cuz I somehow got roped into 400 Schenn baby duties with White and Stajan. Anyway, I was gonna hire a stripper for LD, but then I thought “I don’t want to go shopping for dude strippers, but I don’t know if LD is a lesbo or bi or whatever, and I don’t want to make any assumptions and stuff.” So, I hired both Taffy and Jiri Tlusty. Now I gotta go…grab some smokes. Yeah, I’m just grabbing smokes, in case anyone asks. (KOMISAREK leaves and TAFFY, a female stripper in a “Slutty cop” costume, and JIRI TLUSTY, who is dressed similar to TAFFY, enter.)
TAFFY: Hey there, we got a noise complaint!
KABERLE: Oh, Officer StripperLady, were we making too much noise?
TAFFY (Whispered to JIRI TLUSTY): Your turn!
JIRI TLUSTY: OH nos, youse not making enough noise!
LD: Look, I know what Komi promised, but you guys don’t have to strip. You can just chill and have a beer and stuff. We can even pay you as if you stripped—it’d be like getting paid to do nothing.
TAFFY: But I’m a stripper! Strippering is what I do!
LD: We could just do Twister, then. If you like, it can be “Clothing optional”, with the clothing option being heavily encouraged. (LD’s phone rings and it’s LUKE SCHENN)
LUKE SCHENN: Hey, LD! First off, Happy Blogiversary!
LD: Thanks Luke! How are the babies?
SCHENN: The babies are great, but have you seen Komisarek anywhere?
LD: He was here for a short time, but left, saying he needed to get cigarettes.
SCHENN: Yeah, he told us he was “just getting smokes”...THREE HOURS AGO!
LD: Gah, what a bum!
SCHENN: What a bastard! What a deadbeat! I’m gonna kick his ass later! (Hangs up)
LD: Now THERE’s a blogthday present!
(The partygoers proceed to drink a lot of booze and play multiple rousing rounds of drunken Twister, and everyone has a great time.)
THE END

Year End Leafer Awards, FINAL CHAPTER

(NOTE: because I strained my right hand stacking hay, I can't really do any formatting to make this look nice, and typing left handed sucks. Sorry)
part 1
part 2
part 3


WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up and parks with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTINPOGGE inside. They get out)
HOLLWEG: Yo Pogge, you gotta do my welcome speech.
POGGE: Do I have to do the speech?
HOLLWEG: uh, YES. That was the bet!
POGGE: But why do I have to keep doing it?
HOLLWEG: Cuz I’m not the dumbass who thought the Lakers were going to win the Superowl, now am I?
POGGE: (sighs) FINE. A-hem, Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a brush with greatness! He is a legendamong mere mortal men, leaving s trail of wonder, awe, and very satistifed women in his wake. He is better than meat everything, including dancing, arts and crafts, lovemaking, and the guitar. I have no friends, and will never knowthe touch of a woman. I present to you all, the proud owner of a 13 inch penis, Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Good job, Pogge. I knew I kept you around for some reason.
POGGE: I just wish I wouldn’t lose so many bets to you.
HOLLWEG: I can’t help it if you lose so much. I try to keep you on the right path, but no, you just have to keep falling off it.
POGGE: You try to keep me on the right path? Oh bull! I bet you 20 bucks that I won’t gamble for the rest of the day.
HOLLWEG: 20 bucks, huh? You’re on.
POGGE: All right!
HOLLWEG: Well, pay up then.
POGGE: Pay? What...(figureing it out) Oh, you assclown!
HOLLWEG: Do you want to make that double or nothing?
POGGE: Oh, hell’s yes!
HOLLWEG: Well then, where’s my money?
POGGE: But I...see, the thing is...you douche monkey! (pays HOLLWEG the money)
WILSON: Well, Ryan and Justin, I certainly didn’t expect to see you guys here.
HOLLWEG: It’s a Leafs Barbeque, isn’t it?
POGGE: Yeah, so where are our beer, broads and burgers?
WHITE: Oh, Hollweg didn’t herd in the women with his 13 inch penis? That wasn’t very nice of him.
WILSON: But you two are part of the Mariles now, not the Leafs...
HOLLWEG: We played for the Leafs a few times!
POGGE: Isn’t that enough?
WILSON: You know...I think there’s an information session thing over at (mumble) West Street for those who wantto play in the KHL. I think you two could kick ass and take names over there. WHITE : Yeah, and uh... the women are real crazy in bed over there. You’d love it.
MITCHELL: Yeah! Grabbo’s always telling us abut all the crazy stuff they do. Right, Grabbo? (GRABOVSKI saysnothing while clutching his prizes and creepily staring at people, like he has been all afternoon) ...right. WILSON: I think that presentation is starting soon, so you should head over RIGHT NOW.
HOLLWEG: Mumble West? Got it! C’mon, Pogge, let’s score us some crazy hot Russian bitches! (HOLLWEG andPOGGE leave)
STAJAN: Phew, that was close.
MITCHELL: I dunnp which is worse--Pogge marinating in AXE or Hollweg smelling like...Hollweg.
WHITE: Did they kill any of your grass?
WILSON: No, but I think it’s wilted a bit.--CUJO! What the hell? Get Jeff Finger out of my petunias!
JOSEPH: Sorry coach Wilson. (Knocks FINGER unconscious) HE won’t crawl in there and puke again.
BLAKE: I found duct tape! Should we tape him and Kabbie to this tree?
JOSEPH: Good idea! ( JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA duct tape KABERLE and FINGER to the tree. KUBINA finds a Sharpie and draws a Freddie Mercury-style mustche on KABERLE)BLAKE: Heh. Great idea guys. Kubie, how’s yuor sandwich and bum wine?KUBINA:It is good ham sandwich. The drink makes my mouth feel all tingly and numb.
KABERLE: ( drunk Czech/English hybrid babble)
KUBINA: Shhhh, Tomas. You go sleep now.
KABERLE: I love you, muffin!
KUBINA: ...yeah, me too. (JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA leave KABERLE and FINGER taped to the tree.)
BLAKE:What was that all about?
KUBINA: (defensively) What? I like muffins, too! There’s nothing wrong with two guys who like muffins!
BLAKE:I never said there was anytrhing wrong with it! (PONIKARVOVSKY arrives) Poni!PONIKAROVSKY: I’s so sorry guys. First, I got a call there was a lanky Kazakh in Boreger King orderingcheesebourgers for kitties, so I ran there hoping Antro came back. But... it was just some crazy homeless man.
KUBINA: You still miss Nik?
PONIKAROVSKY: Soo much! Grabovski’s ok, but too crazy. And Kulemin just stares at me with open mouth, likegoldfish. But then, after Boreger King, I found I had bad directions to this house. They took me to garbage dumpplace!
WILSON: Weird. Maybe whoever gave you directions didn’t know where my house is.
PONIKAROVSKY: But Coach RonWilson, YOU gave me the directions!
WILSON: Well Alexei, it’s time I was honest. You see, I just don’t like you.
PONIKAROVSKY: But why, Coach RonWilson? I work hard at practice, talk to newspaper people, keep Grabovskifrom killing people. I’s great guy!
WILSON: OK you guys! The old lady is giving me “that look” so you all have to get the hell off my lawn! Get outtahere!
STAJAN: (mockingly) Or what? You’re gonna call Officer Peters to tase my ass again?
WILSON: Don’t get smart with me! Just because you’re man pretty doesn’t mean you can stay here!
KUBINA: Hey guys, we should go in search of fried chicken and large breasted strippers!
BLAKE: I don’t think my wife wouldapprove of that.
KUBINA: Medium breasted strippers?JOSEPH: It sounds good enough for me. Let’s go! (TEAM leaves, except for FINGER and KABERLE)
WILSON: Finger and Kaberle, eh? I hope you boys like playing in Tampa.
END

Leafer Year End awards, part 3

Part1
Part 2


BLAKE: Well, we should put Kabbie somewhere he’ll be OK. You know, where we won’t step on him or anything.
KUBINA: That sounds like a good idea
BLAKE: Now, I can never remember: is it ok to draw on people ONLY if their shoes are off or on? He’s missing one shoe.
JOSEPH: Beats me. I’ve been drawing on passed out Jeff Finger for 15 minutes.
WILSON: But his shoes are still on!
JOSEPH: But his pants are off! I figure a lack of pants trumps shoes.
STAJAN: Wait...doesn’t Asher Roth say in that song “Don’t pass out with your shoes ON”?
WHITE: But that’s all he says. He doesn’t say anything about getting drawn on.
KUBINA: Besides, he is missing one shoe. Do we draw on only half of him?
BLAKE: Forget it. Let’s just tie him to this tree and steal his wallet or something (BLAKE and KUBINA drag KABERLE to a tree and go in search of tape or rope to tie him there.)

MITCHELL: Matty, how long are you going to wear that stupid mask?
STAJAN: I’m going to wear it as long as I need to. I need to protect myself. Plus, it makes me feel like I should be running around going “Na na na na na na na na na STAJAN!” or something.
WHITE: That would rock. You need a cape, though. (police car arrives, OFFICER PETERS gets out)
WILSON: Well, Officer...Peters. What seems to be the problem?
OFFICER PETERS: We’ve gotten a report of a suspect in a convenience store robbery who may be in this area. We’re looking for a Caucasian male, blond, about 6 foot tall, athletic, and wearing a black leather cat mask..actually, he looked kind of like that guy (Points at STAJAN)
WHITE: But he’s been here the whole time.
MITCHELL: yeah, he’s been here all day--I could vouch for him.
OFFICER PETERS:Is that an open container?
STAJAN: We’re just hanging out, having some beer and stuff--
OFFICER PETERS: Sir! If you come any closer to me, I’ll be forced to tase you!
STAJAN: (as a joke) Don’t tase me, bro. Heh heh (OFFICER PETERS tases STAJAN, who falls on the ground screaming and cursing)
OFFICER PETERS: Recent legstaion states that we are legally allowed to taser anyone who says "Don't tase me bro." Well, everything looks inorder here. Have a good day (OFFICER PETERS leaves)
WHITE: Holy crap! Are you ok, Mat?
MITCHELL: GAH aahahahaha, you got your ass tased, Matty!
STAJAN: Dude, this isn’t funny!
MITCHELL: I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so fuckin hard!
STAJAN: Oh crap, look my hands. They’re shaking like crazy!
WHITE: I kinda wish I had some paint or some cocktails for you to shake up. (from nowhere, the song “Low” by Flo Rida starts)
WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTIN POGGE inside and parks on the lawn. They get out.)

What kind of crazy shenanigans could Pogge and Hollweg bring? Be sure to stay tuned to the same Domi station, some Domi channel.

Year End Leafer Awards, Part 2

Part 1

(KABERLE re-enters the room with a half consumed bottle of tequila)
KABERLE: WOOOO! Let’s get drunk!
KUBINA:I don’t get it, He can drink beers at lunch, drink champagne all night long on NewYear’s Eve, and does vodka shots better than Lindsay Lohan. But when he drinks tequila…BLAKE: So are you saying tequila makes his clothes fall off?
KUBINA: Something like that.

STAJAN: You know something Whitey? I like beer.
WHITE: Mmhmm. Beer is good.
STAJAN: Yeah man, it’s like liquid bread.
MITCHELL: Dude, where the hell is Schener? I wanted to get him shitfaced!
WHITE:I know! That would have been hilarious.
STAJAN: (takes out phone) I’m calling him right now
LUKE SCHENN: Hello?
STAJAN: Schenners, it’s Matty. Why aren’t you here?
SCHENN: Where’s “here”?
STAJAN: The year end awards at Old Man Wilson’s place
WILSON: I heard that!
STAJAN: (To WILSON) No you didn’t! (To SCHENN) So, what’s so much cooler than hanging outwith us?
MITCHELL: Tell him I’ll put mu tongue in his ear!
SCHENN: I’m just in Switzerland and Europe, seeing some sights and stuff.
STAJAN: Whatever Schenny. Say hi to your mother for me. (hangs us on SCHENN, then gets another call) Hello?
WHITE: Matt, I dunno why, but I felt like I had to call you.
STAJAN: Dude, I’m, like, ten feet away. Just say something to me.
WHITE: Sure thing!
STAJAN:Say hi to your mother for me. (BOTH hang up. VESA TOSKALA enters on crutches due to his recent work/surgery. )
WILSON: Vesa! I sure didn’t expect to see you here!
VESA TOSKALA:Well, laaike, The Vesa almost missed you guys so I was laaike “You should go and say hi to them, Vesa.”
STAJAN: Vesa, did you...bedazzle your crutches?
TOSKALA: Well, yanno, when you’re injured, you kinda get bored, so you, laaike, do some crazy things.
WHITE: Is that why you shaved your head?
TOSKALA: Ya, besides, it’s laaike summer already and it gets hot here, unlaaike in Finland. KUBINA: TOMAS! What are you doing?!
KABERLE: SHH! I’m talking to Freddie Mercury! He says he can take me to the Seven Seas ofRhye! Isn’t that awesome?
KUBINA: But--You’re drinking tequila, not rye! You’re not making sense.
KABERLE: We’re here! (attempts to sing the piano intro to Queen’s “Seven Seas of Rhye”.) BLAKE: Kabbie, that’s not a sea. That’s a kiddie pool filled with ice, beer and various winecoolers.
KABERLE: WOOO! (jumps into kiddie pool) It’s such COLD rye, Freddie! (attempts to sing aterrible English/Czech/Drunk slurred version of “Seven Seas of Rhye” while pretending to swim)
BLAKE: Holy crap, Kubina, what did you put into his drink?
KUBINA: NOTHING! I put nothing in his drink! My drink drugging days are over!...Besides all Ihad on me were some Tic-Tacs.
KABERLE: I swear you’ll soon be miiiine...I take you to the seven seas of Rhye! (KABERLE trips over the edge of the pool, falling face first onto the ground)
STAJAN: Kabbie!...THE BEER! Is it ok?
WHITE: The beer is fine, and so is Kabbie...JERK.
KABERLE: Freddie, that was not not cool.
BLAKE: Hey Kabbie, do you know what would be really nice? It’d be really nice if you got somewater or maybe something to eat to go with your tequila.
KUBINA: Oh, he didn’t have that much, just (grabs halfs empty tequila bottle) this much. BLAKE: How is he still standing?
KUBINA: Is Czech thing. We start training young.


Will Kaberle’s tequila-fueled trip be all that’s in store for him? Will there be any surprise guests?Be sure to keep reading for part 3 of the 2009 Year end awards!

The Year end Leafer Awards!

(SCENE: RON WILSON’s backyard. Multiple players for the Leafs are standing or sitting around a patio type place where WILSON and BRIAN BURKE stand next to a table filled with odd trinkets and other junk.)

RON WILSON:Ok you losers, I got an idea of what to do now that the season’s over. Burke and I are gonna give out team awards—
BRIAN BURKE: Even though all you shit sacks deserve is a swift kick in the ass!
WILSON: Whatever.
JASON BLAKE: Can we heckle people?
WILSON: We might as well. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m impressed with you guys today. I never imagined I could get so many of you here upright and wearing pants (A pair of pants is thrown at WILSON and BURKE)
JEFF FINGER: WOO-CHA!
WILSON: DAMMIT FINGER!
FINGER: Simmer down, old man.
WILSON:OK, let’s get this silly pony show on the road so we can start drinking .
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: Poni show?
FINGER: Start drinking? I’ve been drinking since 9 AM.
IAN WHITE: I started at noon…yesterday.
FINGER: I’ve been shit faced for the past week.
BURKE:OK, FINE! First award is the Mount Failamajairo award.
WILSON: This award goes to the player who executed a fail so hard and so epic it’s almost a win. And this award goes to Matt Stajan for getting hit in the face with a soccer ball and missing two weeks.
BURKE:SO come on up, ya fuck faced alter boy! (MATT STAJAN comes to the “stage” and receives his award, which is a black leather bondage mask )

WILSON: Protect those pretty, pretty eyes, Matty.
WHITE: Matty, you so pretty!
STAJAN: Sure thing, just hold my beer so I can put this on (STAJAN puts on mask and sits back down)
WILSON: The next award is the Freddy Mercury award for enthusiasm and dedication to facial hair. This award goes to the player who, uh…does that, and that’s Ian White! (WHITE comes up and takes his award, a tshirt reading “mustache rides—50 cents”)
WHITE: 50 cents? My rides are worth at least a dollar.
STAJAN: You suck! Sit down, you freak!
CURTIS JOSEPH: Take it off! (WHITE begins suggestively dancing and miming taking off his clothing)
BURKE: CUT THAT OUT! Nobody wants to see that!
WILSON: Yeah, save the dick wigging for the after party!
JOSEPH: Somewhere, Jiri Tlusty just got cold chills.
JOHN MITCHELL: Oh man, THAT again?
FINGER: WOOO! Nekkid!
WHITE: Oh man, I’ll just sit down now. (WHITE sits down)
WILSON: Next award is the Crazy Eyes award. This one goes to the craziest looking guy on the squad
BURKE: The Leafs thought they’d have to retire this after Darcy Tucker kept winning it every year, but this season a challenger appeared. So we dusted it off and we’re giving it to Mikhail Grabovski (GRABOVSKI comes and takes the award—a pineapple and a copy of The Shining.)
BLAKE:Oh, fuck you Grabovski!
JOSEPH: Take it off!
(GRABOVSKI says nothing, but accepts his award, gives the crowd a double peace sign the best he can and sits down.)
BURKE: OK, and now we have Boyd Devereaux who wanted to sing some bull shit hippie song or something.
DEVEREAUX: Well, you guys might know how I’m a big music guy—
JOSEPH: Take it off!
DEVEREAUX: Dude, that was only funny the first time. Anyway, here’s a little song I wrote for you guys
(DEVEREAUX: begins a long, looping acoustic guitar solo)
PAVEL KUBINA: What the hell?
STAJAN: Don’t quit your day job, man.
FINGER: FREEBIRD!
WHITE: Hipster douchebag!
TOMAS KABERLE: Your mother’s a dirty whore!
(DEVEREAUX abruptly ends his solo)
DEVEREAUX: Screw you guys! I’m out of here! (leaves)
BURKE: OK, slackers! Next award goes to player most likely to be living in a cardboard box, and that one’s for Pavel Kubina. SO come on up and get half a ham sandwich and a bottle of Mad Dog 20 20.
KUBINA: MMM. Ham. (receives his award and sits down)
WILSON: Now, this next award is for a player who has gained a lot of atten-SCHENN. He deserves recogni-SCHENN for all his act-SCHENN on the ice.
BURKE: In a year of suck, this player caused some jubila-SCHENN and celebra-SCHENN.
WILSON: In fact, I think he should have a big SCHENN-dig to celebrate his success in his first year here. So everyone, let’s give a bit round of applause to….JOHN MITCHELL
MITCHELL: Fuck yea! Awesome! (the rest of the guys are totally silent and shocked)
JOSEPH: …Why did you DO that?
BURKE: To mess with people. It’s not like I need a better excuse.
MITCHELL: Gimme six Schlitzes !
BURKE: We don’t have those.
MITCHELL: Ah fuck it, whatever’s free.
WILSON: Now Johnny, here’s your award—a pack of gum and a rubber band.
BURKE: We’re all outta crap to give you guys, so I’m getting the Hell out of here. Have a good night!
BLAKE: Bye Mr. Scary Irish man!

Be sure to tune in next time for the exciting part 2 of the 2008-2009 Year End Leafer awards

LOLeafs: Bale out Edition

Because it's been a long-ass, frustrating week, LOLeafs are all I have for now. As of late, I find the Christan Bale remix oddly comforting (lyrics very NSFW)

Maple Leafs Chat: a new Visitor

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs***
PoniRides4aBuck: hey guys, check out this thing Antro sents me
StajanNotCajan:oh man, is it another cat picture?
PoniRides4aBuck: no, is interwebs story. If you says “wendel clark “ 5 times into mirror, he comes and punchs in all your bloods!
ShakeNBlake: don’t you mean punch OUT your blood?
PoniRides4aBuck: whatevers is awesome
ShakeNBlake: That’s ridiculous. It’s idiotic. I AM A 40 GOAL SCORER!
StajanNotCajan:well, let’s get a rookie to test it out.
***Son_of_a_mitch has entered the chat room***
Son_of_a_mitch: ‘sup fuckers?
StajanNotCajan: hey Mitch, you got a mirror?
Son_of_a_mitch: yeah, why?
PoniRides4aBuck: Look in it and says Wendel Clark 5 times
Son_of_a_mitch: Wendel Clark 5 times
StajanNotCajan: No man, say the words “Wendel Clark” 5 different times while looking at the mirror
Son_of_a_mitch: Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark.
***Crunchin_Clark has appaeared in John Mitchell’s place***
Son_of_a_mitch: HOLY FUCK
Crunchin_clark: What the? Did you summon me? I was just about to fall asleep! What’s wrong with you?
*** Crunchin_clark has started punching out Son_of_a_mitch’s blood***
Son_of_a_mitch: AHHH!! FUCK!! OW OF FUCK I WANNA FUCKIN LIVE AHHHH!! He…he fuckin punched out all my fucking blood!! FUCK! Call ambulance
ShakeNBlake: I call bullshit
StajanNotCajan: Why would he bother to type out the screams?
StajanNotCajan: /takes out compact
StajanNotCajan: Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark
*** Crunchin_clark has appeared in StajanNotCajan’s place***
StajanNotCajan: AHHHH! OH NOES! Will you punch out all my blood?
Crunchin_clark: Oh don’t worry—I couldn’t punch you out. Punching you would be like punching a puppy. Don’t worry little guy—you just keep watching your cartoons and eating cookies.
ShakeNBlake: /takes out mirror
ShakeNBlake: Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark
***Crunchin_clark has left StajanNotCajan’s place and appeared at ShakeNBlake***
StajanNotCajan: Where did Wendel go? Why are my pants….? Oh dammit, did I wet myself in front of Wendel Clark?
Crunchin_clark: Why does this keep happening to me?
Crunchin_clark: /starts punching ShakeNBlake
ShakeNBlake:AHHH! OOOOWWWWWOOWWWOOWOWOWOWOW!! OH GODS! Ah…he…HE PUNCHED ALL MY CANCER OUT! I AM A 40 GOAL SCORER! I still need an ambulance…
***Welcome to Patrick Roy’s lair somewhere in the wilderness of Quebec***
King_wa: hokay, time to checkay les emails…penis enlargements, delete…."you want to makes your partner tremble?”, delete…what’s dis?” Say Wendel Clark 5 times and he comes and punches out all your blood”? Tout le sang? Bullshit
King_wa:/takes out mirror
King_wa: Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark
*** Crunchin_clark has appeared in king_wa’s Quebec lair***
Crunchin_clark: GODDAM INTERNET!
Crunchin_clark:/ punches out king_wa’s blood
King_wa: WENDEL CLARK A PUNCHÉ TOUT MON SANG!

Maple Leafs Chat: Stajan Needs a BFF

***Welcome to Maple Leafs Chat***
StajanNotCajun: You guys…
***StajanNotCajun’s status is now “I has a major sad”***
StajanNotCajun: Alex, Carlo, I miss you guys so much already! Why do all my friends keep getting traded?
FullSteenAhead: We’ll keep in touch, Matty . We’re good friends
Coco_puffs: I’mma be honest, I’m not good at facebook and stuff like that. It’s nothing personal Matt.
StajanNotCajun: This sucks so hard. St Louis might as well be in Russia or something. I mean, WEST conference? That’s like 3 times zones away
FullSteenAhead: I’m going to miss the Family Guy marathons and all the times your girlfriend “Accidentally” loaded your iPod full of Beyonce music
StajanNotCajun: I’m going to miss the pillow fights, even though you guys cheated all the time
White Lightning: How the fuck do you cheat at a pillow fight?
Coco_puffs: I’m going to miss filling Whitey’s skates with shaving cream and baloney…man, that feels like it was just yesterday
White_lightning : That was yesterday, you asshole!
Coco_puffs: It wasn’t me this time! I swear
White_lightning : Aww…I couldn’t stay mad at you…you’re like a big, cuddly splodey-boned Eye-talian teddy bear
Coco_puffs: Matt …maybe you should have auditions for your new BFF
StajanNotCajun: You mean like “the Bachelor” but with me looking for dudes?
FullSteenAhead: Yeah! You could try to find some new best friends
StajanNotCajun: Isn’t that just like if your kid’s puppy dies and you buy a new puppy without them knowing?
Coco_puffs: not really since you knew about it ahead of time
StajanNotCajun: What do you want me to do? Hand out roses or something?
FullSteenAhead: you could hand out beers.


**welcome to Find Stajan a New BFF Chat room***
FullSteenAhead: SO what kind of skills could you bring to the relationship?
Trusty_tlusty: mad BFF skillz… I haz dem
StajanNotCajun: such as…?
Trusty_tlusty: I heartz peellow fights n being in ur room eeting ur chocklets
StajanNotCajun: Ok, that’s always a plus.
Trusty_Tlusty : i haz mad photo skillzz 2. i'z full of mad skillz
*** Trusty_tlusty has just been sent down to the Marlies***
StajanNotCajun: Well, shit.
Shake_n_blake: I could be your friend, Matt! We have lots in common
StajanNotCajun: like what?
Shake_n_blake: like we both like hockey…and…uhhh…we’re really pale…and uhhh….I like stuff. DO you like…stuff?
StajanNotCajun: I’ll think about it, ok?
Tosking_Heads: The Vesa would like to be BFFs with you, MattStajan. The Vesa and MattStajan could be shopping buddies and stay up all night giggling and doing each other’s hair
StajanNotCajun: Uhhhh…ok.
White_lightning : Hey Matt, uhhh….
StajanNotCajun: yeah Ian?
White_lightning : Could I be your BFF? I mean, It's hard to believe…That I couldn't see you were always there beside me, you know, Thought I was alone With no one to hold—
StajanNotCajun: Dude, are you quoting “High School Musical” at me?
White_lightning : NO! I’d never do anything do wussy and stupid! Besides, how’d you even KNOW it was High School Musical, you a pussy or something?
StajanNotCajun: I wouldn’t, but I guess I just got lucky and guessed. It’s not like I’ve seen all of them seventeen times each or anything!
White_lightning : And I totally don’t fall asleep to the songs playing on a loop every night, wuss.
StajanNotCajun: you suck!
White_lightning : no, YOU suck!
StajanNotCajun: /lingering tension…

Maple Leafs Chat: Release the Kitties!

**Welcome to the Maple Leafs Chat room!**

ShakeNBlake: So then I says to the woman, “hells yes I want that wit cheese”
Human_frogger: you like cheese, don’t you?
**Antrobot_80000 has entered the chat room!**
Antrobot_80000: mood-- worried
Human_frogger: wat’s wrong, antro?
Antrobot_80000:Poni sent me picture that’s very sad to me
Antrobot_80000: here I sends it here:

** Antrobot_80000 is attempting to send image**

ShakeNBlake: You better not be Goatse-ing us
Human_frogger: Or 2girls1cup. Not. COOL.
ShakeNBlake: Wellwood kept trying to pull that shit on us all the time. That and Rickrolling. I never got it





Human_frogger: Oh that’s a cute kitty!
ShakeNBlake: Nik, that’s an LOLcat.
Antrobot_80000: I knows. Isn’t it sad?
Human_frogger: How is an LOLcat making you sad?
Antrobot_80000: Look at that poor kitty. He never gonna gets delicious chees-bour-ger. Poor, poor little kitty
ShakeNBlake: Nik, you know that’s just a picture right? I mean, you don’t even know where this cat is—it could be anywhere.
Human_frogger: Yeah Nik, that picture could have been from any time. The cat could already be dead or something
Antrobot_80000: Dey starves kitty? How cruel! I needs to finding kitty and gives him delicious bore-gers!

** Antrobot_80000 has left the chat room**

Human_frogger: What a freak.
ShakeNBlake:It’s only 6:30 and already the boy ain’t right

** Antrobot_80000 has entered local Burger King!**

Burger_guy:Welcome to Burger King, may I help you, Sir?
Antrobot_80000: I NEEDS 76 DELICIOUS CHEESE BORE-GERS FOR CUTE KITTY!
Antrobot_80000: ..and for me. Saving kitties from starving is hungry work.
Burger_guy: Sir, are you high? Have you been smoking weed? Can you get me some?
Antrobot_80000: No foolin! Dis SERIOUS BIZNESS!
Burger_guy: Please don’t eat me, mister large Russian guy.
Antrobot_80000: I do not eat you!
Burger_guy: Would you like a cheeseburger value meal?
Antrobot_80000:Hmmm…kitty did no say nothing about value meal…

**trusty_tlusty has entered local Burger King!**

Burger_guy: Sir, may I help you instead?
trusty_tlusty: i can haz cheezburger?
Burger_guy: Sorry sir, but this other man has ordered all of our cheeseburgers
Antrobot_80000: Starving kitty needs a chesburger!
Antrobot_80000: /shows picture
trusty_tlusty: De kitteh is no starving. He’s all fat
Antrobot_80000:But poor kitty wants a cheese bore-ger and he’s no getting a cheese-bore-ger
trusty_tlusty: just look at de kitteh. He’s so happy. He seeses a cheezburger and he probably getz it
Antrobot_80000: I never thought of it like that
Burger_guy: Here are your cheeseburgers, sir.
trusty_tlusty: I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?
Antrobot_80000:Sure, I even let you pay for it.