Monday, December 28, 2009
(SCENE: At the Leafs’ generic holiday party, where WAYNE PRIMEAU and ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY have started arguing)
WAYNE PRIMEAU: Look, Poni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just curious to know what people do for Christmas in Ukraine. Maybe you guys leave out virgins and fish sauce for Santa Claus instead of pickled eggs and beer like we do.
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry WaynePrimeau, but I was thinking it was milk and cookies people leave for Santa, not pickled eggs and beer.
MATT STAJAN: I was always told milk and cookies.
LEE STEMPNIAK: Me too!
LUKE SCHENN: Milk and cookies here too!
PHIL KESSEL: I left out milk and jerky for Santa….maybe that’s why I never got that bike I wanted.
FRANÇOIS BEAUCHEMIN: In Québec, we leave out a can of Pepsi, some May Wests and a pack of smokes.
PRIMEAU: So wait…what you guys are telling me is that leaving pickled eggs and beer for Santa is weird?
THE OTHER LEAFS: Yes.
PRIMEAU: Hrmm. (shrugs shoulders) Ya learn something new every day, I guess. (NIK HAGMAN and JONAS GUSTAVSSON enter)
NIK HAGMAN: (worried) I just want to warn you guys….usually us Finns are really good with our liquor, but—
JONAS GUSTAVSSON: But not if you are Vesa.
KESSEL: But it’s only, like, eight o’clock. How is he drunk already?
HAGMAN: He must have started earlier, because all I saw him drink was, like, half a daiquiri. (VESA TOSKALA, holding a half-consumed strawberry daiquiri, bursts in the room)
VESA TOSKALA: (drunk, slurring and angry) Oh WHAAAAAAAAT Hagman? Are you talking about you smokin' hot wifey again? Jeeeeez what a surprise!
PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala, are you ok?
TOSKALA: You shut yer trap, Poni! I’m not the one who’s fallin down and shit on powerplays!
PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala is right. (sighs)
BEAUCHEMIN: Vesa, you ‘ave been acting like there is somesing wrong wit you. Is there somesing you need to tell us? Maybee you need to say…?
TOSKALA: Look big French dude, I jus’ wanna say…I jus’ wanna say somethings…I am not…gay! Ok? I am secure enough in my heterosezuaity that I can say “hey, that guy over there looks real nice” and, laaike, wear pink, and laaike, do this (TOSKALA deeply French-kisses STEMPNIAK) You see?
PRIMEAU: That makes no sense at all, Vesa. (TOSKALA trips over his own feet)
KESSEL: Hey Vesa, Hags, can we talk over in this other corner for a bit?
TOSKALA: Ya, why? (KESSEL, HAGMAN and TOSKALA go to a separate corner)
HAGMAN: Vesa, we’re pretty worried about you. This season, you’ve just been …
TOSKALA: I knows when I laaike had enough!
KESSEL: I don’t know if you do anymore. I’m worried about you, Vesa. I feel like you’re not the same guy anymore.
TOSKALA: You’s right. Laaike, Vesa’s suc a washed up hack-been (starts crying)
HAGMAN: No, Vesa, we can get you help.
KESSEL: Yeah! I know we can get you help. I know this great place!
TOSKALA: I’s not goings to rehabs!
KESSEL: No, it’s not a rehab place, it’s uh….
HAGMAN: It’s super exclusive night club! Let’s just get in my car, I’ll show you!
(HAGMAN and KESSEL load TOSKALA into a car and dump him in an emergency drug rehab centre, then return to the party)
SCHENN: So Stemper…uh…does the thing with Toskala mean…
STAJAN: Uh…how was it?
STEMPNIAK: Umm….well…a mouth’s a mouth, I guess. It kinda felt like despair and hopelessness, but that might have just been Tosk.
RON WILSON: (with plate of mini butter tarts) You boys enjoying the party? Here, have some mini butter tarts. (STAJAN, STEMPNIAK and SCHENN are relieved at the distraction from a very awkward conversation)
STAJAN: Oh boy! Butter tarts!
STEMPNIAK: I just like the name. Butter tarts.
SCHENN: it's a good name and they are so tasty!
WILSON: Phil! Nik! Glad you two could make it.
HAGMAN: We were here earlier, but Phil and I tooks Vesa to alcohol place.
KESSEL: He was willing! He said so in the car.
HAGMAN: He also says you had a pretty mouth. So?
GUSTAVSSON: So….now I’s only goalie guys for Toronto? (starts looking a bit pale and weak)
STEMPNIAK: Oh no! Jonas! Is your heart exploding again? (GUSTAVSSON faints)
WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry!
Will Phil Kessel continue his inability to make a good difference in Toronto? Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to 2009's Holiday Kesstacular!