An Open Letter to Leafs Fans from Rickard Wallin

(I'd like to thank Wrap Around Curl for giving me the idea of Wallin as a Zoolander during a late-night chat.)

Hi there, Leafs Fans. Rickard Wallin here. Listen, I know my stats have some of you less than impressed. But that's ok, because I am undergoing a growth process. See, before I got to Toronto, there was only one thing on my mind: being really, really good looking:

Do you think my hair does that flip thing on its own? Seriously, it's hard. And proper beard maintenance takes way longer than most people think. Phil Kessel makes it look easy, but that's because he just lets his grow all willy-nilly, which is not the Swedish way. I mean, really, look at this proper Swedish beard maintenance:

Proper beards: So. Hot. Right. Now.


I know some of you are wondering why I had such good stats in Swedish Elite League and yet I was so invisible for Toronto this year. One reason for that is that the Leafs uniforms are blue and white. My Swedish teammate and buddy Jonas Gustavsson was all "Wowie! Toronto is such a famous franchise!" and I'm like "Earth to Jonas! They're dressing us like Finland! Everyone knows that Finland's in, like, Africa or something and they're walking failure sacks."  And then Jonas goes "But Rickard, Finland is right next to Sweden, you should know that." And I'm like, "Earth to Jonas, I was making a joke! I knew Finland wasn't in Africa the whole time!" Then we went for orange mocha frappuccinos and it was all cool.

The truth is, I have a horrible condition that prevents me from getting to my full potential as a player. See, can't shoot or turn right. I'm not an ambi-skater. It's something I've struggled with my whole life.

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.  Sometimes, I think of quitting hockey and becoming a eugoogleizer--you know, the people that speak at funerals? Yes, I know what a eugoogooly is. I also want to help people. I want to open a school called the Rickard Wallin Centre For Kids Who Can't Play Hockey Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, and I'll teach them that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. For instance, I can teach them to paddle a canoe like a boss:

You see, just because us Swedish hockey players have stunning features, it doesn't mean we can't die in a freak gasoline fight accident. Life is short, and I have a feeling there is so much more than being ridiculously good looking.

Maple Leafs Chat: Betcha Can't Eat Just One

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey guys! I just found out they got Cadbury crème eggs out again!
MaiHartWillDion: Dude, crème eggs have been out for like, at least a month.
MonstersBall:  Cream and eggs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah! I got a box of a hundred of them. Have some, Jonas!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know if I should…
MaiHartWillDion: Come on, Jonas. They’re like awesome wrapped in chocolate.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Doncha have these in Sweden?
MonstersBall:  We do, it’s just that my mother would never let me have any. She said they had far too much sugar in them.
BallinToTheWallin: He’s just worried about what his mommy might say.
MonstersBall:  …
MonstersBall:  My mom’s dead, you asshole.
BallinToTheWallin:  Oopsie doodles.
MaiHartWillDion: Seriously, dick move, man….
BallinToTheWallin: Well, my mom said the same thing. She said something so messy couldn’t be good for you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, come on guys. Sweden’s all the way in Russia or something.
MaiHartWillDion: And Rickard, you’re almost 30, for God’s sake. You have to cut the cord sometime.
MonstersBall:  This is good point.
BallinToTheWallin: Oh well…bottoms up, I guess
***Several hours later, at Hooker Harvey’s…***
KomiKazi: Jonas? Wallin? Are you guys OK? Wake up, guys!
MonstersBall:  AHHHHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
BallinToTheWallin: COBRAS!
KomiKazi: It’s me, Mike Komisarek. What are you guys doing in this burger joint full of hookers?
MonstersBall:  What are YOU doing here?
KomiKazi: I , er, uh….shoulder rehab always gives me the munchies for something greasy and delicious.
BallinToTheWallin:  The stuff here isn’t good for your body at all.
KomiKazi: It’s good for the soul, Wallin. And you still didn’t answer my question.
BallinToTheWallin:  I…I don’t know. Last night, Phil Kessel gave us a bunch of cream eggs—
MonstersBall:   Like a hundred cream eggs in a box.
BallinToTheWallin:  And then I ate one, and another, and some more, and then…
MonstersBall:  …then there were little foil wrappers all over the place and then it was light out and  we ended up here.
KomiKazi: Bullshit. Cream eggs don’t do that to anyone. Cocaine, absinthe or tequila might, but if that were the case you would be missing pants.
BallinToTheWallin:  I HAVE PANTS?
KomiKazi: Yes, you do.
MonstersBall:  I am aware of my pants.
KomiKazi: So wait, is sugar and chocolate like cocaine for you guys?
BallinToTheWallin: …
MonstersBall:  Maaaaaybe.
KomiKazi: Man, Swedes are weird. Wait a second. If you guys split a hundred eggs, how are you not puking or in a diabetic coma right now?
MonstersBall:  I don’t know. I just ate one and then some more and I just kept going.
BallinToTheWallin: DEAR GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!
KomiKazi: That’s a ketchup stand.
MonstersBall:  AHHH! NO!
KomiKazi: I know some people don’t like ketchup, but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
BallinToTheWallin: It’s a dwarf hobo! I think he’s opening a portal to Hell!
MonstersBall:  AND EATING A BABY!
BallinToTheWallin: /attacks ketchup stand with vicious slapfight maneuvers
Harveys_Manager: /throws BallinToTheWallin, MonstersBall:, and KomiKazi out of the Harvey’s
KomiKazi: Nice going, guys. Now I’m probably banned for life from Harvey’s. I didn’t even get to finish my burger.
BallinToTheWallin: WHAT IS ON MY HANDS?
MonstersBall:  Did he kill a hobo?
KomiKazi: /Rolls eyes
KomiKazi: Yes, Rickard. You killed a hobo. Just stright up, stone cold murdered a dude.
BallinToTheWallin: AHHHHH!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know you!
BallinToTheWallin: /wipes hands on every available surface
KomiKazi: Nah, I was just messing with you—
BallinToTheWallin: what will these hands never be clean?

Friday Youtube Yoinkage January 29, 2010

OK, so this week's FYY was going to be about Rickard Wallin (was being the operative word here.) But then I found clip one:



That was the best clip involving him I could find and understand. Yes--pictures and wipes (including star AND heart!) set to generic angsty rock was the best Wallin video ever. Note the lack of photos of him in Toronto.

So...for the other two clips. here are some Adam Ant (and the Ants) songs. A while back, I did the "Rickard Wallin, bizzarro supermodel" post, and someone said:

No wonder the guy blows so bad - he spent most of his energy as the front man in an Adam Ant cover band. There's 41 seconds of my life I'm never going to get back.

I'd like to thank that anonymous commenter, since I've started digging into Adam And the Ants. I guess Wallin did something good after all, since I've been humming these next two songs for the past few days.

clip two: Stand and Deliver:


clip three: Goody Two Shoes

Rickard Wallin, Bizzarro Supermodel

I don't know why, but tonight I was looking around for pictures of Rickard Wallin. Normally, this would be like an LOLeafs post, but these photos are so silly on their own, adding text would be mostly redundant.

(source for above photo, featuring a cameo from Jonas Gustavsson!)

Archimedes has a whole post dedicated to Wallin's fashion sense, which is full of this kind of goodness.

Between all those beer bottles and the looks on their faces, I'd guess that Wallin and his buddy about to open either "2Girls1Cup" or "Pain Olympics" (source)

I'd like to thank Sleza for finding Wallin with a rose. It's one of the best hockey player pictures...ever

Wallin + fauxhawk + ...pink hair?

UPDATE: Apparently Garret Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove was so inspired by the blog "Nic Cage is Everyone", he made me this: