Motivating the Leafs against the Bruins, January 17, 2008

Morning, boyos. For the motivation this time, I got* you this very special clip from that great cinematic achievement "Happy Gilmore." Adam Sandler does kind of look like Zdeno Chara in the Bruins sweater, if Chara, you know, wasn't a circus freak:


*got = found on youtube and am probably somehow violating copyright or something

Motivating the Leafs against the Hurricanes, Jan. 15, 2008

OK boyos, I'm out of ideas. Here's a video made when the Hurricanes were in the Stanley Cup which they then won. I'm just throwing it up here since it doesn't seem like anything else I'm doing is working. Enjoy

owowowowowowowowow!! OW!

An open letter: What the smeggin' hell is this? Seriously fellas, how much crack are you smoking before the games? Who do I have to blow to get you to--on second thought, don't answer. In fact, forget I said anything. Just try to not eat a cock tonight, ok? Come on--they're the coddamn Kings. Just get of the freakin' Fall Apart Express already. Why don't you guys just punch me in the head? It would be a lot easier and less painful for me.



(original coupon stolen from here). No pictures for you after last night. Like I said, actually show up to tonight's game and NO SUCKING ALLOWED.

Reverse Psych thing against the Ducks, Jan. 09, '08

Howdy ho, Domiteers. I've decided to give the reverse psych thing another shot since, let's face it, it's not like we're full of options. Besdies, I can upload the photos now--maybe it'll work again.

OK boyos, so you're taking a long trip out west, are you? Aw screw the motivation speech--I did two pictures just to make up for not doing this for a month. There's a happy Domi picture:



And here's an angry Domi:


I am angry at you guys, riding the whole "Fall apart express" throughout teh Southeast last month. Make me a happy Domi, dammit!

Motivation against the Rangers, Dec. 29, 2007

Lemme see, boyos...I post a picture, you almost win. And by almost win, I mean lose. I get Kitano, and you lose. I do nothing, and you lose. I'm just about at the end of my rope here. Maybe I should just ignore you. Nah, I couldn't ignore you. I'll try to motivate, but...Rangers. Ouch.

Let me think, we've got good, um...PK? nope. PP? hell to tha naw. Goal--aw shit, this is harder than I thought.

I got it:

OUR CAPTAIN IS A MAN NOT NAMED JAROMIR JAGR!

Yep. Mats Sundin is just about as non-Poodle as you can get. That is all.

A NEW Motivation for the Leafs against the Islanders, Dec. 26, 2007

As Greener pointed out after the last motivation post, whenever I did full photo posts, you were wining. However, whenever I did “halfie” posts, you would almost win. Since I can’t upload or save pictures on this computer, I’m stuck with the halfie photos. So, I guess I’ll have to use extra text-based firepower to my posts. Simply the death stare isn’t working anymore.

To further scare you into winning, I’m going to try adding a short speech from someone who would scare me into winning, simply to not see them mad at me. (Kind of stealing a page out of PPP’s book, but not directly.) To start off, here is Kitano from Battle Royale.

No good, no good. That’s what this team has become. You wanna know why? I told you guys to not slack off on things like power plays and I told you to play a goddamn full game. You were okay for a while, then you really started to slack off. You’re no good, but you thought that you would come here anyway. (Smacks nearest player on the head. You can imagine that it is any player you like.) Because of folks like, well, all of you, thus team’s absolutely no good anymore.

It’s you guys’ fault. You mock other, more winning teams. Go ahead and mock them, but don’t you forget: Life is a game, so fight for survival and find out if you’re worth it. Today’s lesson: kill some Islanders!

Motivation for the Leafs against the Florida Panthers, Dec. 22, 2007

I know that the Panthers will be tough. I mean, they have that Finn who scores all of the goals, and that guy who, um, always wears a shirt--you know who I mean. The real Florida Panther is/was on its way to extinction, so do a mercy killing on it, boyos. You know what happens if you lose this game? A FOUR game losing streak, that's what. And that sucks like an Electrolux.

Motivating the Leafs against the TB Lightning: Dec. 20, 2007

Seriously, didn't you guys just recently play each other? And didn't you totaly spank TB that time? Yeah, just try to do that again.


And happy(one-day) late birthday to Matt Stajan. I highly, HIGHLY suspect that he doesn't read this blog, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Motivating the Leafs against Carolina (rock you like a) Hurricanes

So, apparently Inga Skaya isn’t good enough. OK fine, I admit it: due to a family commitment, I didn’t get a chance to put up a post until quarter after six or so, which doesn’t allow for adequate time for the inspiration to take effect. Sorry about that.

There is one and only one thing to fear while playing Carolina. It’s one of the most dangerous things to ever walk the Earth:

That’s right—Stormy the “ice hog.”

My Leafers, that’s a ManBearPig if I’ve ever seen one. (Google image it--Blogger's not leting me load it, and besides after losing, you don't get a pretty picture.) And ManBearPig is one of the biggest threats to our Earth to exist. I mean, Al Gore said it, so it must be true, right?

Motivation against the Habs, Dec. 15, 2007

OK Leafers, you won yesterday, so now here is my end of the bargain: What you see on the left is a picture of Inga Skaya, who represented Canada in the Miss Universe Pagent in May of this year. Just remember Leafers: she is representing THE Toronto Maple Leafs for the "national costume" poriton of the competition. When almost all of the other coutries had national costumes that consisted of very little cloth but loads of feathers and sequins, she chose to wear your team logo. Not the Canadiens. Not the Sens. Not any other teams. Doesn't she look like someone you shouldn't let down? I mean, I know that if I were putting on the foil the Leafs Jersey, I'd want to light the lamp for her. [ insert easy joke here] So go to it boys!

Motivation for the Leafs vs Thrashers, Dec 14, 2007

Morning/afternoon/whatever, fellers. Friday Night(Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?) you're against the Thrashers. So have fun against abstract concepts--you usually do. You'll two whole days to look at this one, mainly because I'm lazy. I figure that since this is a perfect opportunity for it, I'll give you the picture that started it all:


If you're really good, I'll give you a picture of someone (a female someone) who is an even better looking Leafs fan than I am. But only if you're good.

Motivation against the Tampa Bay Lightning, Dec. 10, 2007

OK boyos, after losing to the smegging Bruins, you don't get a picture (though you probably won't anyway since this computer and my camera don't get along.) You get text-based motivation from me instead.

Tampba Bay is abreviated as TB, which is also the abbreviation for tubercolusis. For that reason alone, t's not something you want to screw around with.

The Tampa Bay Lightning feature two wild and crazy guys, Martin St. Louis and Vincent Lecavailier. Marty is so short, he can sneak to the puck between your legs and you won't even notice. Much like the common field mouse, he scurries with great speed away from things larger than he is that would eat him for breakfast. Vinny has all the girls crazy AND is on his way to becoming the season's leading scorer in all senses of the word.

SO yeah. TB will kick ass.

Motivation against the *shudder* Bruins, Dec. 8, 2007

Good afternoon/evening, Leafers. Tonight you're up against those smegheads, the Boston Bruins. They've been pretty good so far this season, and I for one suspect necromancy. That's why with today's motivational stare, I took the liberty of adding a bit more sting to it. You'll need it.
Do you have any idea how hard that was for me to type? I mean, Zdeno Chara, man. He's sometimes fun to watch because he's batshit insane, but cod-DAMN is is ugly. Just keep that in mind.

Motivating the Leafs against The Rangers

OK my little balls of Leafer Madness, I kind of let the ball drop on this game's motivational death stare. I forgot to upload the photo in time AND save it to my USB stick. This means I’d have to go back home (a +20 minute walk up a steep hill in all the snow and cold) to my laptop there and upload the photo. I’m sorry about that, so here’s the next best thing I got: I’ve MS-Painted my way to a non-punchline. But, while winning would be great, the Rangers are a terrific team now, so there’s not as much shame in losing to them. Losing to the Bruins on Saturday, however, is another matter entirely. Don't get me wrong--winning tonight is something that would really make me happy, and you should totally do it. But, like I said I was the one who dropped the ball. Prove me wrong, boyos! Prove me wrong!

Also, Scotty Hockey is a good and great man. His blog is great--have you ever read it? It's a great blog. You should go over and read it right now.

Giving Motivation in a Tough-Love Style

Alright boyos, I know that you somehow managed to pull your act together against Atlanta and Pittsburgh, but come on. Sure, it's baby steps, but eventually you'll have to face a team that's equal to or better than you are. Tonight, it's the Nashville Predators, who usually aren't in Turbosuck mode (unlike the Thrashers and Pens before them.)So come on, let's Catch a Predator. Better yet, let's catch all of them. All the Boone's Farm wine coolers and cookies won't save them from the Leafer Madness...right?

Sidney Sings!

I started out this post with the intention of doing a full parody of the song "Part of Your World" with Sidney Crosby on vocals, but for some reason the words ain't coming. What's below is what came out, and at this point I'm sick of trying to force out words but I still wanted to use that picure of Sid (at least I think it's him) during his LHJMQ days simply because it cracks me up everytime I see it. (picture credit: stolen from the Facebook group "Hockey Players Run the Show Wherever They Go") l

ook at the trophies
ain’t they all neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the Bluenose
The Bluenose with it all?
....
I’ve got assists and point totals a-plenty
I've got TimBits and Gatorade galore
you want a Reebok Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby Winter Classic Youth Vintage Premier Jersey ?
I’ve got plenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the puck bunnies are
I wanna see, wanna see them jumpin’
Jiggling around all those—whaddya call ‘em? Oh yeah—boobies.


Waxin your stick you don’t get too far
...
Laughin’ along with my—what’s that word again? oh yeah--Friends
...
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
...
off of the rink
wouldn’t you think?
I’m part of that world

Why the Hell Not?

It worked last time, so why not see if it'll work again?
Also, thanks to the fine folks over at He Score, He Shoot for adding me under "Mmm-mm. Falling Off the Bone!" I take it this is a list of people they like, so I'll take it!

In Which I Attempt Motivate the Leafs to Win a Coddamn Game

Okay boyos, I didn't want to do this. I never wanted to resort to something like reverse psychology, but considering your play as of late, I suppose that desperate times call for desperate measures. So take THIS!

there you go.

Being Todd Bertuzzi

(photo credit: AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Richard Lam)Yoinked from Yahoo Sports

I have nothing against Todd Bertuzzi, even if I should, because I just don't care. That being said, my first thought when I saw this picture:

"Dude, I'm Todd Bertuzzi, I'm goin' back to Van, man....you got any quarters? I got some major munchies from the bowl I just smoked, brah, and those Lays in the vending machine are just, like, calling my name, you know? Heh. Heheheheheh. Hockey is awesome. Hehhehheh."