Thursday, April 30, 2009

Going dark

Hey guys! I'll be spending the next few days in Toronto (I'm here now, after a long ass bus ride yesterday.) I'm taking a bit of a break until probably Tuesday at the earliest (but I am doing a little something for BMR, so look out for that.)

What's really exiting is I'll get to meet some of the crazed fans drunken idiots overall cool folks who chill with me over at Pension Plan Puppets.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Loser League? for reals?

Well, that was an unqualified failcake. The loser league--powered by Yahoo!--that I totally forgot about is finally finished.(click to enlarge the final standings)

As you can see, this was the league that everyone forgot existed. However, I am a woman of my word, so when I say:

Now, the person who actually wins the league will receive not only his or her choice LOLeaf, but will receive the entire series (including comments) of his/her choice lovingly bound (read: stapled together).

they will get it. So, whoever was running TheMightySockKickers (I think it was Jared), lemme know which LOLeafs and which series you want, and mailing address, so I can send it out.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Youtube Yoinkage April 24, 2009

Today's theme is dedications to various players. These are clips that I dedicate players.

Clip one: The Tick suddenly discovers he has a nice mustache. I imagine Ian White went through this clip, word for word:

clip two: "total eclipse of the heart", Dedicated to Matt Stajan ("turn around, bright eyes...") as I imagine John (Fuckin) Mitchell would sing it (naturally, lyrics NSFW):

clip three:Watching the final Habs/Bruins game Wednesday night, for some reason I thought of the song "Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus. This makes no sense if you know that Carey Price is a huge George Strait fan, but bear with me.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Czech Mates, or, LD fills out a request

(one last night, during a canucks game, those who watching --including Eyebleaf-- started talking about slashfic. I discovered that there was no slash fic about Tomas Kaberle. This makes no sense to me, as he's a very attractive man. Therefore, I set to right this.

The setting for this particular story--don't worry, it's totally PG!--is Kubina and Kaberle rooming together on the road. It is told in Kubina's perspective)

Tomas has been sad for do long. Since Bryan McCabe and Mats Sundin left the team, he's seemed so distant. When he plays, it's like his head isn't in the game anymore. It breaks my heart to see him like that. Sure, maybe I haven't been in Toronto as long as he has, but I think I could be his friend.

I finally worked up the courage to ask him what was the matter one night on a Western road trip with the team. "Kabbie", I said, "Why are you so sad?" "Sad?" he replied, "why would I be sad? I play for Maple Leafs, I love Toronto, I make cross ice pass like you won't believe. Why would I be sad?" I rolled my eyes, "Kabbie, I can hear you listening to Simple Plan and crying softly at night when you think nobody can hear you. When you're on the ice, your look like your head is somewhere else. Your eyes are the saddest eyes I have ever seen. I'm your friend, Tomas, you can say--"
"--No. I'm FINE Pavel, just leave me alone."

With that, Kabbie shut off his light and tried to sleep. I lied awake, wondering what I should do now. I could tell he was upset, but he didn't want to talk about it. I wondered what I could say to get him to open up when I heard him mutter in our native Czech, "ohhh...mmm...get in my mouth you big, sloppy muffin."

What the hell? Sloppy? well, I suppose I go a while in between haircuts and shaves. Kabbie murmured again, "Oh, you're so delicious and warm and soft in my mouth. I love you muffin."

I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

The next day at practice, my legs felt like they were made of lead. It felt like it would never end. After practice, Tomas asked me "Pavel, what's wrong? you looked like you were made of mud out there today." I told him about the previous night and how confused it made me feel.

He gave me an odd look. "Muffins? what's to be confused about, Pavel? I love muffins--you know, the little cake thingys with the crunchy tops? Sometimes they have chocolate chips or blueberries or--"

I cut in, "I know what a muffin is, Tomas."

Kabbie continued. "They are so warm and delicious. I really like muffins."

There was an awkward pause as I tried to find my next words. "oh", I said. All I could say was "oh."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Friday Youtube Yoinkage: April 17, 2009

Today's theme is ridiculous tribute videos: PLAYOFFS!!!!1 edition!
clip one: The fact I love listening to this "go Habs Go" aprody of Flo Rida's "Low" may mean that my Leafs Fandom may be in question:

Clip two: A bear shows what looks like Ron Jeremy why you should never tuck in your jersey:

Clip three:
I wanted to put something about the Blue Jackets, since it's their first time in the PLAYOFFS!!!!!1 EVER and all. A search on youtube revealed this "Carry the Flag" vid. It's so dramatic and suc, you'd never know it was for the Blue Jackets

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Maple Leafs Chat: The Wonders of Livejournal

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs***

Schenn_sational: You guys, I can’t believe the season’s already over!
StempOfApproval: Yeah, it feels like I just got here—
Schenn_sational: Wait—who the hell are you?
StempOfApproval: Dammit, not this crap again.
Stajan_Not_cajun: OH. MY. GOD. YOU GUYS….
White_Lightning: What? Did you find more cute kitty pictures?
StempOfApproval: Matty does like cute kittys
Stajan_Not_cajun: You guys, I was on my LiveJournal today and—
Schenn_sational: Wait—Matt, you have a LiveJournal account?
StempOfApproval: What are you, a 14 year old girl trapped in a grown man’s body?
Stajan_Not_cajun: Well, where else am I gonna post my Twilight slashfic, SMARTASS? But you wouldn’t believe something I found! It’s about Luke…
Schenn_sational: What?
Stajan_Not_cajun: …and your brother…
Stajan_Not_cajun: …doing inappropriate things...oh my, this is …NOT SAFE FOR WORK AT ALL
White_Lightning: Like, lighting shit on fire inappropriate? Or what?
StempOfApproval: Are you guys getting drunk and yelling at cars like the Staals?
Stajan_Not_cajun: Oh no…Luke, this is hard to ask, but…do you regularly fuck your brother?
Schenn_sational: Dude, didn’t you say this a FICTION site? I mean, obviously, I don’t fuck my brother…
StempOfApproval: well, you could be. In theory…
Schenn_sational: but this isn’t true! It’s just some story! Brayden isn’t even of age there!
StempOfApproval: Oh yeah…Heaven forbid a little thing like age get in the way of gay incest! You know, your SCHENNCEST
Stajan_Not_cajun: Schenncest? It sounds like some 3 day festival featuring Explosions in the Sky and Kings of Leon.
White_Lightning: Why your brother, Schenner? Like, I bet you could walk into any gay bar in Toronto and have your pick of dudes.
Schenn_sational: Dangit, I am not gay!
White_Lightning: There’s nothing wrong with that, Luke. I mean, just based on numbers there have to be some guys in the NHL who are gay or bi. There’s what, over 700 players? You mean to say NOBODY is gay?
Schenn_sational: Gah, you guys! This is just some stupid story on the Internet! It’s not REAL! Matt, help me out here!
Stajan_Not_cajun: ….
Stajan_Not_cajun: OMIGOD I’M IN IT TOO!
Stajan_Not_cajun: Phew! At least I’m not fucking anyone.
StempOfApproval: Don’t worry Schenner, we’re just giving you shit.
White_Lightning: Yeah, you’re a popular guy, so people are gonna write weird stuff about you. It’s ok
StempOfApproval: Yeah, it’s not like you’re writing slashfic about you and your brother, right?
White_Lightning: Yeah, at least you’re not writing this kinda crap
White_Lightning: Oh…Sorry Matt.

Edward was so bored with all these idiot mortals. He was so much better, than they were, and yet he kept wanting more to do with them. Oh well. At least in the deep, damp woods he could be more himself. “God”, Edward thought to himself, “I’m so pretty and sparkly and full of angst. I’m so hot and broody” Suddenly, there was a rustling noise. From behind a bush came Slash, the world famous guitarist for Guns N’ Roses. The two men stared at each other for what seemed like eternity. Edward felt a stirring inside of himself that he had never felt before with anyone else. The older man instantly understood. Slash approached Edward and with a grin, he said, “Kid, welcome to the jungle.”

"Oh", said Edward. All he could say was "oh."

Stajan_Not_cajun: oops wrong window lol.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Friday Youtube Yoinkage April 10, 2009

You know, it's been a rough season for Leafs fans. Today's theme for the Youtube Yoinkage is things that would make next season awesome even if the Leafs continue sucking.

Clip/suggestions one: goalie dance offs:

clip/suggestion two:Dirty Dancing, as demonstrated by two high school guys who kinda look like Schenn/Tlusty/Pogge hybrids

Clip/suggestion three: More Beer. Alcohol always soothes...(clip is the Lego version of the Beer Song)

Monday, April 6, 2009

Mitchell goes to the Movies

So you guys, I’ve been a bit stressed out over exams and final papers and such. As a result, I’m going to have a guest writer today. I haven’t screened it first, so I don’t know what he wrote about. Please welcome my special guest, first time writer to the wonderful World of Loser Domi, John Mitchell.
(you may also want to read this Pension Plan Puppets post first to get the joke)
(mug shot from

Howdy Folks. John Mitchell here. When Domi first asked me to write here, I was all, “who the Hell are you and what do you want?” Then I thought, “well, fuck, I don’t know nothing about writing shit on blogs n shit.” Then Domi’s like, “just write something, I don’t care.” So here ya go folks, the first installment of “Mitchell goes to the Movies”

So anyway, me and Matt Stajan went to see the movie “Knowing.” So at the beginning, there’s a school and the kids are making drawings and stuff about what the future’s gonna be like to put in this time capsule, except this one chick was writing just numbers and not stopping and the teacher’s like, “that’s just fucked up” and the teacher takes away the paper the girl’s writing on. Later the girl disappears and they find her in a closet trying to scratch more numbers in the closet door, except her fingers are just bloody stubs so it’s not like she’s accomplishing much.

So 50 years after the school thing, they open up the time capsule, and everyone else is like “what’s up with these damn numbers? All the other kids drew rockets and flying cars and shit, what’s up with these numbers?” And then Nicolas Cage shows up and he’s all “I’m Nic Cage and I’m somehow an astrophysicist or some shit that can figure this all out.” So he puts on his “Nic Cage figuring shit out” terrible hair and figures out that the numbers predict the future and stuff. Like, it predicts 9/11 and how many victims and what times and stuff. The numbers predict different events like plane crashes and stuff, the right times, and the body count and everything. All in all, spooky shit.

Then Nic Cage is all “man, I gotta meet this chick who wrote this and see if she knows anything else.” Only he discovers she offed herself years ago, so Nic Cage has to settle for the daughter except the daughter’s all “Get your ass away from me, Nic Cage.” Except then a subway car crashes and then the daughter’s all “Oh man, my mom predicted when I was gonna die and it’s on the list. I’ll totally help you now, Nic Cage.”

Then there’s some stuff with hearing whispers and shit. It’ll come back later. Anyway, Nic Cage sees the last event and there’s 33 people listed as a death toll, so he’s like “well, ok 33 ain’t too bad.” But then, the daughter’s like “oh by the way, as if my mom wasn’t nuts enough already with the hearing shit and writing down fucktons of numbers, but she liked to write stuff backwards too. And 33 backwards is EE or ‘everyone else’ and we’re all gonna fuckin die.” Nic Cage is like “I got a flashlight, bitch, I’mma save the whole fucking earth in like 15 minutes cuz I’m fucking Nic Cage.”

Didn’t he do that for like, the last 5 movies he did? Seriously, how many of his last movies have just been “I’m Nic Cage with a flash light and I’m gonna solves puzzles and save shit?” Seriously Nic Cage, what the fuck? Why do you keep doing these movies that are like extreme Sudoku where the instead of figuring out the numbers, you have to do it to save the world?

Then there’s some running around and dramatic music and shit and I’m like, “Bitch run faster! Run harder, you might make it into a decent movie! There’s no hope for Nic Cage, but YOU MIGHT MAKE IT!” then Stajan was all, “Johnny they can’t hear you, it’s just a movie screen” and I was like, “shut the fuck up Mr. I’m too pretty to check.”

I won’t give away the ending, but the whispering people come up and there’s some explosions or some shit. All in all, totally fucked up movie.

My review of the movie in three words: WHAT. THE. FUCK. Nic Cage should go back to punching broads while wearing a bear suit.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

In which Matt Stajan turns into a damn dirty hippie

(SCENE: MATT STAJAN is at the Air Canada Centre to film a commercial for Earth Hour.)
WWF PERSON: Ok, Matt, you think you could do another take of this commercial for Earth Hour?
MATT STAJAN: Another? But we’ve been here for like three hours. I wanna go home.
WWF PERSON: Come on Matt—don’t you care about the cute little fuzzy animals?
STAJAN: Of course I care about the cute little fuzzy animals—why else do you think I hang out with Ian white?
WWF PERSON: Just give it another go, could you?

STAJAN: NOW can I go?
WWF PERSON: How do you think that run went?
STAJAN: I dunno. Fine. But thinking about all this earth stuff is kinda making me want to eat granola and play hackeysack while listening to Bob Marley
WWF PERSON: You just read that like a nervous 10 year old giving a book report in front of the class
STAJAN: Can I go now?
WWF PERSON: I guess. We’ll just see what the best take was.
STAJAN: I wonder if I'd look good with dreadlocks?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, April 3, 3009

This week's theme is reasons why Ukrainians rock.

Clip one: What inspired this theme was the following clip of Los Colorados (A Ukrainian band with a Spanish name that sing English songs) performing their version of "Hot and Cold." Katy Perry, consider yourself pwned:

clip two: I tried finding a good Alexei Ponikarovsky tribute, but they were all weaksauce--still photos over some lame techno or weak "rock" song. Instead, I give you this video of Poni retying his skates at a Sabres game:

Clip three (may be NSFW): Some town in Ukraine sells vodka in penis shaped bottles. I kinda want one, but I don't know how I'd declare it at customs


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