Thursday, February 25, 2010

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, February 26, 2010

The theme for this week's yoinkage is none other than Phil Kessel

In clip one, Phil dons an apron and a chef's hat and gets interviewed by some random guy, all for charity. What a swell guy

In clip two, Phil talks about how he "candy canes" his stick. Fun fact: every time he says "candy cane", a puck bunny perks up without knowing why:

Clip three is the official press conference when Kessel got traded to the Leafs. When he gets the jersey, he look so excited, he could eat it. But he shouldn't, even if it does say "maple" on it:

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Fake Interviews with Real People: Mikhail Grabovski, part 2

Part one of this fake interview here

LOSER DOMI: Mikhail, I’d like to thank you for coming back for another interview.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Is no problem at all, lady.
LD: Now, some of your fans have found…rather odd pictures of you. What is it with you and pineapples? Is there some sort of tradition in Belarus with pineapples?
MG: But pined apples don’t even grow in Belarus! How could we have traditions with pineapples when we have no pineapple?
LD: So what is going on in these photos?
MG: Well, since I get to big hockey leagues, I see movies and TV shows where they show people on beaches that have drinks in pineapple and sexy bikini ladies dancing. So I was thinking maybe if you have one part, the other parts come in. Like, you have beach and the drinks and ladies just show up. So I thinking…if I make drinks in pineapple, then nice summer and bikinis ladies will come, too!
LD: So…you basically tried to make your life the video for “Big Pimpin’”?
MG: What, is something wrong with that?
LD: No, it’s just…unlikely.
MG: You’s don’t know any of it. It taked me 30 minutes to even get little bit of peel off that pineapple. It make mess. Juice all over place. But pineapple still so sweet and tasty. Such delicious goo inside.
LD: And so full of Vitamin C and fiber as well.
MG: Indeed. Is success fruit! But still, no sexy bikini ladies come in. I think this may be since I try experiment when I play in Moscow. Not many women become sexy bikini ladies because it is too cold there.
LD: OK, how about we do some Proust questionnaire stuff? First, what is your favorite curse word?
MG: Is tie: orange or Poland.
LD: Mikhail…those aren’t swears. Orange is a fruit and color while Poland is a country.
MG: They’s not even hard core curse words. But is still fun to say.
LD: What character from fiction do you most admire?
MG: I think…Draco from the Rocky movie, or Rickard Wallin
LD: But Rickard Wallin isn’t even—oh forget it, I’m just going to go with it. What are the qualities you most admire in a man?
MG: I admire strongness and ballsiness.
LD:And the traits you most admire in a woman?
MG: I admire big…bangs. And eyes. And communications about feelings stuff.
LD: Uhh…ok…
MG: Is ok if we end now? I have appointment for hair style. Minsk Mullet does not take care of self.
LD: It’s ok, Grabbo. Thank you again!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Friday YouTube Yoinkage February 19, 2010

Hey, it's the return of what's supposed to be a weekly feature! Yay! This week's theme is hockey players in non-hockey places. 

Clip one is what looks like half of a pilot episode for a show about a kid who plays roller hockey in New York City. He gets help from a cartoon Martin Brodeur of the New Jersey Lightning (yes, you read that right.) Then there's a bit with a stick that has a genie in it, but that doesn't really matter:

Clip Two is Tyler Kennedy and Kris Letang trying to be weather forcasters. You're welcome

Clip three: I can't seem to find this on youtube, but Wakiki Hockey has a clip of Wayne Gretzky on Saturday Night Live. The transcript is here for your reenactment pleasure. It's Wayne doing a rip on bad Elivs movies and hockey in Hawaii with "Wakiki Hockey"
As a special bonus, I'm going to include the intro to "Prostars" I may or may not be developing a small obsession with this show:

It's a shame this entire show only lasted one season AND it isn't all on DVD. It leaves so many questions unanswered: why do Michael Jordan's plans sounds so scientific, yet hold no water to anyone with any actual science knowledge? How much DOES "Bo Know"? And why doe Wayne Gretzky have the munchies all. the. TIME? I got questions, DiC, lots of questions.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: Meanwhile...

***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, being injured for the Olympics sucks.
MaiHartWillDion: At least you got picked. They didn't want me. It's sad.
KomiKazi: I know a lot of guys here are on vacation, but hey, there's no reason we can hang out. Maybe some NHL10 and some beers or something.
MaiHartWillDion: Can we do karaoke? I figgin' LOVE karaoke!
KomiKazi: Oh, ok. That sounds like fun! What kind of stuff do you do?
MaiHartWillDion: I figgin' love to sing Journey!
MaiHartWillDion: What?
KomiKazi: Dude...
MaiHartWillDion:What's wrong with Journey?
KomiKazi: Look, there are only two kinds of people who listen to Journey: pussies and drunken sorority skanks.
MaiHartWillDion: Oh yeah, what kind of stuff do YOU listen to, Mr Kickass McAweseome pants?
KomiKazi: well, I kinda like Metallica...

MaiHartWillDion: Whatever.
StempOfApproval: GUYS! I just found something awesome on the Internet!
MaiHartWillDion: The Internet? There's porn there!
KomiKazi: Yay for boobs!
StempOfApproval: Check it out:

MaiHartWillDion: Holy crap...
KomiKazi: It's Journey...AND Metallica. And it doesn't suck! Kickass!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Mikhail Grabovski's Secret Injury Diary: Part 2

Much peoples have been asking for new Grabovski injury update. Who am I to be guy to deny fans? Here is Mikhail diary two!

I was guest on Lee Stempniak advice show. He is very odd fellow. He has little black and white cat that is not real cat. Lee says the cat is harmless, but it stares at me with eyes of killer. Lee may be odd guy, but if he really want to pay Mikhail 50 buck to play pals, it is 50 buck I no have before. No problem for me!

On weekend, I go and see moviefilm “The Wolfman”. At first, I thought it was documentary of Phil Kessel or Jonas Gustavsson, but it is not. I have here review of movie film which may spoil things, so do not read if you care about movie.

“The Wolfman” star two fine actors—Sad Spanish Guy and Hannibal Lecter. Sad Spanish Guy is actor with daddy issues. Why he is not doing porno, like all other actors with daddy issues, I am not knowing. But anyway, Sad Spanish Guy gets a letter from his brother’s fiancée saying his brother has been found dead—ripped up and in terrible shape. So he goes home to England and his father, Hannibal Lector. Sad Spanish Guy has had some bad stuff happen to him before, like his mom looking like she killed herself, so family places is all sad but HUGE.

Since Sad Spanish Guy knows something is weird, so he goes to gypsy camp. Now, I know not of you, but I never hear of any book or movie where meeting with Gypsies was not bad news. I am sure Gypsies are OK in normal live, by they always bad things happen in books and TV. But then, the werewolf attack the Gypsies! The werewolf bite Sad Spanish Guy and he is in bad shape, but get stitched up. Then there are some weird visions and stuff.

The full moon come again, and Sad Spanish Guy finds out he is werewolf! He almost is hunted, but he rip the guts and shit out of a bunch of guys. Then Hannibal Lecter put Sad Spanish Guy in mental asylum, where he is tortured and a bunch of bad stuff. Then Hannibal Lecter tells a story and it turns out he is werewolf too! Then Sad Spanish Guy transforms and rips the shit out of a bunch of other guys. Then some time passes. Sad Spanish Guy go back home, the house catches fire, Sad Spanish Guy kill Hannibal Lecter (while they are both werewolves.) This whole time, dead brother’s fiancée has been trying to save Sad Spanish Guy. But on same night Sad Spanish Guy and Hannibal Lecter fight, she gets gun and silver bullets and shoots Sad Spanish Guy and that is end.

It was okay movie. It really look like Sad Spanish Guy was ripping the shit out of guys when he was wolfman. But both Sad Spanish Guy and Hannbal Lecter look like guys that needed naps. They both look like very tired guys. Then again, Sad Spanish Guy always look tired (and I think they had to shave him when he was wolfman.) But like, whole cast was so tired. They needed electrolytes or something. Maybe fruit juice.

Oh well. It is time to go to bed for Mikhail. Keep on rocking!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Valentines for All

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of Ask Lee Stempniak!
MIKE KOMISAREK: It’s ask the injury reserve edition! The best advice show Hot Pockets can buy!
STEMPNIAK: With me are fellow hockey players Mike Komisarek and Mikhail Grabovski. It’s a special Valentine’s edition of the show this time.
KOMISAREK: It’s the kind of thing we do great.
STEMPNIAK: The first question is from Alex in Westchester, who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: My girlfriend and I have an anniversary coming up. Neither of us is really into romantic stuff, so you got any ideas for dates that aren’t just the standard “dinner and a movie” or “cook each other dinner” bullcrap?”
KOMISAREK: Hrmmm…it depends what you and your girl are into. If you guys are both into a certain band or if your both hockey fans, I’d suggest you go to a concert or a game.
GRABOVSKI: And I cans say if yous in hockey or other sports, you can talk about game while it goes. Is not like in movie or concert.
STEMPNIAK: You know what else you could do is, like, those workshops that Home Depot does where you learn how to do home improvement stuff. Another kind of “offbeat” thing you can do is go to a firing range followed by a nice dinner—you know, a mix of soft feminine with hard butch.
KOMISAREK: Honestly, if a girl wanted to go to Home Depot and a firing range with me, I’d drop to one knee and propose on the spot.
STEMPNIAK: Our next letter is from Shoshanna in Kingston who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and we’re going out to karaoke with some friends. The problem is that we don’t really like any of the same music. What are some romantic song selections that aren’t too sappy that we can both like?”
KOMISAREK: You two will have to answer this one because I know I would be way too tempted to sing stuff like “Baby Got Back” or something. LA Face with an Oakland booty! (makes whipping noise)
STEMPNIAK: You know, I always thought that “Born to Run” was a nice, not-too-sappy love song.

GRABOVSKI: …yous serious?
STEMPNIAK: Well, yeah.
KOMISAREK: Dude, “Born to Run” is about getting the Hell out of New Jersey.
STEMPNIAK: But it’s got that whole “let’s take on the world and have adventures” vibe…
KOMISAREK: It couldn’t be more about getting the fuck out of New Jersey if Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to “Tramps like us gotta get the fuck out of New Jersey.” It says the word “suicide” twice!
STEMPNIAK: …I like my reading of it better. Grabbo, what do you think is a good love song?
GRABOVSKI: I likes that version of Springsteen, is how I sing it now! I also likes Rolling Stones! But for singings, I liking “Tequila.”
STEMPNIAK: Well, hey, that one’s funny and cute and would be a great memory, I guess.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, even Grabbo would know the words, which is more than I can say for Dion Phaneuf.
STEMPNIAK: Moving on…Kyle in Scarborough asks, “I’m currently living in an apartment with my brother and his girlfriend. We all get along great, except for one thing. Sometimes, I can hear them having sex through the walls when I’m trying to sleep! Should I mention this or just let it slide?”
GRABOVSKI: How hot is girlfriend?
STEMPNIAK: That’s just wrong, Mikhail.
KOMISAREK: Seriously. That is DO NOT ENTER territory.
GRABOVSKI: Well, maybes if overhearing sexytimes is worst of living there, is not such bad living place, no?
STEMPNIAK: I…didn’t understand a word of that.
KOMISAREK: I think what Grabbo means is that if overhearing sex every now and then is the biggest problem, this Kyle guy doesn’t have it so bad for roommates.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, unless it’s, say, every night or if it’s REALLY loud, then he might want to mention something. But if it’s just every now and then, some earplugs on the nightstand never hurt anybody.
GRABOVSKI: Lee, I no like your black and white cat. He stares at me for whole time, and cat only stares at things when they goings to kill it.
STEMPNIAK: Guys, that’s just Buttons. He likes everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s not ever a real cat—he’s just a stuffed toy.
KOMISAREK: See? I told you it was real! I so wasn’t making it up!
KOMISAREK: Look, Lee…I think I have an appointment for uh, whatever’s wrong with me. I gotta go. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Bye Mike! Are you sure you don’t wanna stick around?
KOMISAREK:…I think this one might be important.
GRABOVSKI: I must be goings, too.
STEMPNIAK: Ahh, you too, Grabbo?
GRABOVSKI: Yeah, I as weblog to update and cute girls to text. It takes me extra long because of hurty wrists. Have fun with your kitty, Lee! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, bye, Mikhail…you know Buttons, there’s no reason to sulk alone. I’m going to brush you out and we’re gonna have a killer night on the town, whaddya say? Well…yeah, it might be a bit odd, but we could at least see a movie or something. I’m sure they’d let you in…Alright! Let me get my best brown suit and we’re off!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Time to say Goodbye: Jason Blake

The man who brought us "FISTPUMP!" and "he looks like smashed hamster" has left the Leafs. Did you know he once scored 40 goals in one season? Never mind he has scored 51 goals TOTAL in the 2.5 seasons since then, but hey, cancer sucks ass.

Great Moments in WWoLD history:
Labeled moments here...threatened to "Crush Luke Schenn"...Got shot by the Hell's Angels...introduced us all to the "Hanukkah Fairy"...was rather generous for my second blogthday... had all of his cancer punched out by Wendel Clark.

What I learned from Jason Blake:

Well, he did have this great cameo in a video where a bunch of now-former Leafs (and Luke Schenn) Talk about Valentine's Day (I think it's near the end, when Monika is talking to Dominic Moore)

Well Jason, have fun in Sunny Anaheim.

Here are some
dancing hamsters for everyone to enjoy!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Time To Say Goodbye: Vesa Toskala

Oh, Vesa, Vesa, Vesa. I remember your first days as a Leaf. You got Andrew Raycroft out of Toronto. But then, you stopped being a goalie and started being more of a sieve.

Great Moments in WWoLD History:
All labeled adventures are here...had a nice chat with Ed Belfour...helped Andrew Raycroft through a hard time in his life...introduced us to the wonders of cooking with orphan meat...was a guest on the short lived Antropov and Poni Show...WAS A FINNISH STUD WITH A MANPURSE AND MICKEY MOUSE SHIRT...went to rehab thanks to Nik Hagman and Phil Kessel...crashed crashed Jonas Gustavsson's hospital stay...and almost got shot while being trapped in the closet.

What I Learned from Vesa Toskala:

I learned, laaaike, how to do funny accent voice. I also learned that, laaaike, if you laaike somezing enough, to laaike, go for it. And laaike with Matt Stajan, there is more to life than being really, really good looking

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Time To say Goodbye: Matt Stajan

That is still the best damn screencap ever. A year or so ago, I would have taken Stajan's departure much harder. Of course, when a player is featured so much that his tag is the second most often used tag, it means something. I think that we just fell apart, much like how Matt's (late) crown of curls fell out of his head. Despite never really stepping up his game, I think part of me will always have a soft soft for his glorious fuck-me eyes. I wish you the best of luck, Matty. May the soccer balls never hit your face, and may the socks remain soft and kickable.

Great moments in WWoLD History
Matt was a great supporting player here, and as I mentioned, was second only to the youtube tag in popularity. Here's some of his best moments: Taught us all about the dangers of Shirley Temples...had a nice talk to the haters out there...was almost too hot for Ask Lee Stempniak...helped Mikhail Grabovski learn English...was there when Mike Van Ryn needed him most...stuck around even when I tried dumping him his ass tazered at the Year End Leafer Awards...showed us his secret livejournal...taught us all about Earth Hour...showed us why it's called "dope"...reacted poorly to "It's a Wendelful Life"...Did NOT get his blood punched out...threw up on my shoes (in a fictional universe)...tried to find a new BFF after Colaiacovo, Steen, and Wellwood all left him...survived the Amazon with Carlo and Eric Lindros...had a big favor asked of him...had a bad time at Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque...did poorly in Leafer Madness

What I learned from Matt Stajan
There is more to life than being ridiculously good looking. Always work hard, because you never know who is looking over your shoulder. Balls to the face are dangerous.

ah hell, one last time, the eyes:

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Time to Say Goodbye: Ian White

Ian White was a player who never really gave up. Despite faltering at times, being benched and suffering through many bad hairstyles, (I remember one year he had it blonde and possibly spiky. EEP!), Ian White became something of a pet favourite to a lot of us Leafs fans (not all, but a lot of us).

Great Moments in WWoLD History (in no real order):

you can find all labeled adventures here, but some of my choices: Taught Grabovski English...was a great guy at the Year End Leafer some things about Luke Schenn that cannot be unread...REALLY LIKED ICE CREAM...had a major sad when Carlo Colaiacovo left...went chupacabra hunting for "It's a Wendelful Life"...tried to be Matt Stajan's BFF...had some kickass Halloween Costumes...tried to help Carlo Colaiacovo's bones heal...and SPOILER ALERT did not survive the lighthouse in "Leafer Madness".

Also, this isn't mine, but...Ian White Porn Star:

What I Learned From Ian White:

I learned to not give up, no matter how long you're benched. I also learned the best way to protest something is to grow a bitchen stache.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Time to Say Goodbye: Niklas Hagman

Time to Say Goodbye week continues with my look at Niklas Hagman. I wish him the best of luck.

Great Moments in WWoLD History

To be honest, much like Jamal Mayers, Nik Hagman wasn't around long enough to contribute all that much aside from the occasional LOLeaf. But he did get Vesa to rehab in the Holiday Kesstacular, and he was rather generous for my second Blogthday.

What I Learned From Niklas Hagman:

Monday, February 1, 2010

Time to Say Goodbye: Jamal Mayers

It seems like Brian Burke knew I was having a bit of writer's block, so he traded 6 people away. That's a solid week of "goodbye" posts, and I suspect that's not going to be all. Anyway, here's the first of this string of goodbye posts.

Great Moments in WWoLD History

To be honest, Jamal didn't play such a huge role in WWoLD . He had a brief role in the Holiday Kesstacular, where he (SPOILER ALERT) gets shot. He was also the inaugural guest on "Ask Lee Stempniak.

Then again, Jamal starred in a great short for Bloge Salming:

What I learned from Jamal Mayers:

Eyebrows are awesome. So are snappy dressers.


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