Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over

TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque, Part 2

(RAYCROFT and MAURICE are sitting away from everyone else, sharing massive bong hits.)
RAYCROFT:Wow, Coach, I never would have thought that if you smoked enough weed, Bob Marley music doesn't sound like total shit.
MAURICE: Isn't it surprising, Rayray?
RAYCROFT: You know I got some serious munchies after smoking all that weed, man.
MAURICE: Yeah, we gotta get something to eat, I'm thinking some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky--
RAYCROFT: See, I'm more of a sweets guy—I was thinking more like some peanut butter, and getting some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, making sure it's chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man.
MAURICE: And some popcorn, red popcorn, whatever red popcorn is—
RAYCROFT:graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars so we can make s'mores, man.
MAURICE: Also, celery—
RAYCROFT: Grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries—
MAURICE: And pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons...
RAYCROFT: Oooh boy, Funyons! Let's get 'em!
MAURICE:(while leaving with Raycroft) OK guys, we'll be back, we're just, umm..Raray, what are we doing?
RAYCROFT:We're getting munchies!
MAURICE:Yeah! (The pair leave and after a block or so they encounter ANDY WOZNIEWSKI standing on the sidewlk looking at a stop sign)
RAYCROFT:WOZ!
WOZNIEWSKI: Ray-ray!
MAURICE: Well, there's no traffic, so let's go
RAYCROFT:Coach what are you doing?!
MAURICE: What's so wrong?
RAYCROFT: Coach, that's a “stop” sign, not a “go” sign! It tells us to stop. We have to wait until it says “go” before we can go!
WOZNIEWSKI :I've been waiting here for twelve hours and it hasn't changed yet. (TOMAS KABERLE rounds the corner)
KABERLE: Hey guys.
ALL: Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: What..the hell are you guys doing staring at that stop sign?
MAURICE: Well, the sign tells us to stop. We're waiting for it to say go so we can go.
KABERLE: It already says go
ALL:huh?
KABERLE: See, you take the “S” and flip the bottom part and that makes a “C” like curve
WOZNIEWSKI :uh-huh...
KABERLE: then you take da top of the “T” and you put it here, and that makes a “G”. The you bring down the “O” and it says “GO”
WOZNIEWSKI: But what about the other lines?
KABERLE: Those turn into exclamation points
ALL: ohhhh... so we can go now?
KABERLE: Yes, you are free.
ALL: Yay! (they leave KABERLE alone)
KABERLE: ugh. Is just like dealing with Bryan McCabe.
McCABE: (in distance) Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: Hi, Bryan. Hi everybody!


(STAJAN, WELLWOOD, and STEEN have come off their acid trips and are underneath a tree wrapped around each other in the fetal position)
WELLWOOD: Am I the only one who has no idea what just happend?
STAJAN: I dunno—I'm more worried that we're all curled up in the fetal position together on Bryan McCabe's lawn.
STEEN: As long as it wasn't a gay orgy, I think we're ok.
WELLWOOD:Unless we were on acid, in which case we probably killed a hobo or something, if those health class videos taught me anything.
STAJAN: is three people even enough for an orgy?
WELLWOOD: I don't know, and to be honest, I'd rather just forget that this happened and we just go on like normal.
STEEN and STAJAN: Fair enough, ok.
ANTROPOV: Hey, guys.
WELLWOOD: Where have you been
ANTROPOV: What you mean? me and Poni been standing here this whole time.
PONIKAROVSKY: HI!
STAJAN: So you saw....whatever it was me, Alex, and Kyle were doing?
TUCKER: I saw it all, too. It was more entertaining than an episode of Lost.
STEEN : Oh Sweet Jesus, no.
TUCKER: Don't worry, boyos. It's not like I videotaped the whole thing and will be shortly posting it all on YouTube or anything. (to self) Mental note: when you get home, register domain name www.leafersluts.com
ANTROPOV:Whatever. Me and Poni had brainstorm after season ended.
PONIKAROVSKY : Yeah! We make millions with this idea!
STAJAN:Don;t you guys already make millions playing hockey?
ANTROPOV: you have to think for future, Matty. After you get injured or whatever.
PONIKAROVSKY: we invent Vodka Water! It's rehydrates your body and gets you drunk enough stop your soul from hurting!
WELLWOOD:Vodka water?
STEEN:Isn't that just perpetuating stereotypes of ex-Soviets as drunks?
PONIKAROVSKY :...So? Do you have point?
ANTROPOV: it's stuff me and Poni sometime brewed in hotel bathtubs during road trips starting way back with Dynamo Moscow. (fills cups from suspicious jugs and hands them to everyone around, who takes a drink accompanied by sounds of coughing and retching)
STAJAN:gahhh...ow! I's sloshed just by shmelling all that.
WELLWOOD: heh. Wuss. (takes drink) OH GOD!
STEEN:I think a bit of my soul just died.
TUCKER:Hmmm...(sniffs without drinking) Hey Bryan! I got a present for you!
McCABE:Really?
TUCKER:Yeah, it's stuff Nik and Poni brought. Bottoms up, buddy! (hands cup to McCABE, who downs it in one gulp)
McCABE:owieowieowieowieowie!
TUCKER:It's ok, Bryan.
McCABE:ischadingo-schluuuuurrrrrp!!
TUCKER: come again?
McCABE: I shad, dingy-bingy schnisiniffner!
TUCKER:oh, ok. (sirens) Oh, SHIT! it's the Po-po! we're dead!
STAJAN: Fuck da police!
WELLWOOD:, nah, HELP, help, help da police! heheheheh
KABERLE: I shows you all now why my “A” is for “awesome” Hey Bryan, can you do me a favour?
TUCKER: Wait, where did you come from?
McCABE: What, Kabs?
KABERLE: Can you alphabetize these Skittles for me? (opens bag of Skittles onto ground next to McCABE)
McCABE: Okie-dokie, good buddy! (becomes engrossed by Skittles)
KABERLE: That should buy us at least an hour to talk to the police and make them go away.
POLICE OFFICER: ok, gentlemen, we received a report of a kick-ass party that you didn't invite me to—would you mind explaining that to me?
KABERLE: wait a second...
ANTROPOV: Why is “police” spelled P-O-L-E-E-S-E?
STAJAN: It's not police at all!
McCABE: Kabbie, I'm done! I even alphabetized them by colour since I was bored!
KABERLE: Alphebetized...by colour?! The stupid make my head hurt...
TUCKER: You're no popo, you're...
POLICE OFFICER: That's right, I'm (takes off fake police uniform) TIE DOMI, MOTHERFUCKERS!

(part 3 to come eventually)

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque

BRYAN McCABE: Wow, I can't believe I got so many people to show up at my backyard barbeque
MATS SUNDIN: Just to be safe, after Raycroft's little...incident, do you have all of the knives and sharp objects locked up?
McCABE: You mean...? Oh that, don't worry—locking up the sharp objects is standard procedure here whenever I'm around. (DARCY TUCKER enters) Oh, hey, Darcy!
DARCY TUCKER: Hey guys. I brought a bag of frozen fishsticks for you, Bryan. Enjoy Long Island, you fuckfaced retard.
McCABE: Haha, Darcy, you're such a great joker!
TUCKER: No, man, I'm serious. Every night I pray to God that the cops find your bloated corpse in a ditch somewhere. And Mark Bell asked me to give you this for him. (Hands McCabe a suspicious bottle)
McCABE:Prison wine? He shouldn't have!
SUNDIN: for sure—I can smell the hepatitis from here. (PAVEL KUBINA enters, greetings excahnged)between everyone)
McCABE: Hey Kubie...uh, what's that bag in your hand?
PAVEL KUBINA: What beg?Vhat hend?
McCABE: I'm talking about the plastic bad in you hand that looks like it's full of assorted pills.
KUBINA: Oh, this?It is...well, I shell be honest. Dis beg may be full of pells, dey may be Skittles, I do know know for sure. But I know a way to find out.
McCABE: Dude, did you just roofie my drink?
KUBINA: No, why you ask?
McCABE:You did! You totally did! you just reached over and plopped a pill or something in my drink, I just saw you. You weren't even sneaky about it.
KUBINA:OK, I make a deal: if nothing heppen, it was just a vitamin suppliment. If you fall alseep and someone is making hot, sweet love to your anus, then it was a roofie. Deal?
McCABE: far enough
KUBINA: and now to get Babyface Crew on acid. Or maybe those are Vitamin C. (leaves)
SUNDIN: Wait, is that—it can't be...Paul Maurice? HERE?
McCABE:Oh no, he's such a buzzkill
TUCKER:Whatever guys, just act cool, here he comes.
PAUL MAURICE: Heyy, guys!
SUNDIN, McCABE, TUCKER: (in a depressed manner) Hi, Coach
MAURICE: Look, I know you all think I'm a buzzkill, so I'll level with you—I have enough weed, Xanax, and Vicodin to host a Phish reunion tour!
TUCKER: (somewhat forced) Okay! Now we van really let loose!
McCABE: “Now”? After seeing Kubina drugging everybody's drinks with random pills?
SUNDIN” So is that why Wellwood is totally terrified of the shadows of those tree branches?
WELLWOOD: They're gonna trap me! LEMMEOUT! LEMMEOUT!
STEEN: Kyle, shut up! If I sing “It's raining men” fast enough this rock says he'll each me how to fly!
STAJAN: (sobbing) MOMMMMY! I ate the moon!
WELLWOOD: Matt! Save yourself! The branches have me pinned down!
STAJAN: I ate the moon, mommy, I'm sorrry!! (panicked whisper) It's not there anymore! (sobs) are you mad at me? (crawls over to WELLWOOD)
WELLWOOD: I'll forgive you for eating the moon if you shield me from these branches
STAJAN: (still sobbing) Ok, ok (curls up into fetal position next to WELLWOOD, who starts gnawing on STAJAN's fingers)
TUCKER: Kyle! Stop trying to eat Stajan!
WELLWOOD: But his fingers are delicious Cajun sausage! nomnomnom.
STEEN: And his hair is made out of bacon! nomnomnom (starts chewing STAJAN'S hair)
TUCKER: I thought you were trying to fly
STEEN : The rock was playing me. I shoulda known, nomnomnom
TUCKER: You guys, seriously, cannibalism is not cool.
STAJAN: Darcy, what's that on your face?
TUCKER: You mean my nose?
STAJAN: no it's like a bug thingy sucking out your brains! Don't worry, I'll get it for you! (grabs stick, starts beating TUCKER in the face with the stick)
TUCKER: Staj—what the!—dammit!—stop hitting me!—with that stick!—
STAJAN: I'll save you Darcy! I'm a sock-kicking baddass mofo! (TUCKER punches STAJAN and knocks him out)
MAURICE: Darcy, why are you punching people? ah never mind that...
WELLWOOD (to nobody at all): TICKING TIME BOMB!
MAURICE: Wait a second...is that Rayrary over there? Raycroft, you emowannabe sumbitch, comeover here and smoke a bowl with me!

( stay tuned for part 2 eventually)