Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over

TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

How is this possible?

First off, look at the box on top--Toronto's leading 2-1. Then take a good look at the Scoring summary--nobody's scored anything.

Maybe it's just my Firefox being wonky, or maybe it is the Ubuntu (friend of mine put it on the other day, which was nice because it means I have a working laptop again), but whatever it is, this is pretty messed up.

Gettin' Crunk in HOTlanta!

(NOTE: I tried to post this as a diary over at Pension Plan Puppets, but for some reason that site has never liked my account. Instead I' posting this over here)

With condolences to PPP, I figured I'd put up a game preview type-thingy for tonight against the Thrashers.

Look, I'll be honest--I've never done this, and I know that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. That being said...wait a minute--not knowing what I'm talking about doesn't really separate me from lots of other media-types, does it? HOWEVEAH, the show must go on.

Hot sexxy Leafs to watch (yeah, totally stolen from Four Habs Fans, but it's the best I could do):
*Alex Steen just signed to a $3.4-million, two-year contract extension Job security could have him feeling pretty groovy.
*Mats Sundin--look, with all the trading rumo(u)rs going around, he's probably so annoyed and stressed out, he's ready to choke a bitch

sexy HOTLANTA Thrashers to watch:
*Ilya Kovalchuk--it's always Kovalchuk to watch
*Tobias Enstrom--leads his team in assists

So, leave your SPG units and whatever else you wish in the comments

Loser domi SPG:
shot: Tucker
penalty: McCabe
goal: STAJAN !!

Also, olbigatory Lil' John video. I also feel lonely and need someone to talk to sometimes:

JFJ Suicide Watch part 5

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JFJ post-Firing Suicide Watch part 3

(JFJ is in his office once again, sitting at the desk and writing a note.)

JFJ (writing): It seems as if I no longer have a reason to continue soldering on in this life. I no longer have a job, and my chances getting another seem slim at best. I’m a hated man in this town. Sometimes I think that everyone hates me. Little old ladies hit me in the shins with their canes when I pass them on the streets. Nuns and Cub Scouts give me dirty looks wherever I go. I was buying coffee the other day and I swear I saw a baby flip me the bird. (SECURITY GUARD enters)
GUARD: Mr. Ferguson sir, I have to ask you to leave the premises
JFJ: I’ll be done in a second (Takes out a gun from a desk drawer and put the barrel into his mouth)
GUARD: (raises nightstick or whatever security guards have) DROP THE WEAPON!
JFJ: Why the hell did I get a liquorice gun? I HATE liquorice!

JFJ Post-firing suicide watch, day 3

(SCENE: JFJ is once again in his office.)

JFJ: Aw, screw it all. I'm through. Finished, I tells ya! FINISHED! What I need is pills and booze, yeah, pills and booze!
(Takes out what appears to be a bottle of Jack Daniels and a baggie of small pill-like, um, things. He swallows most of the contents of the baggie and starts chugging the contents of the bottle. AIDE enters.)

AIDE:Sir, what are you doing?
JFJ:I'm ending it, Skipper, or whatever your name is. This time, it's pills and booze--nice and painless way to go.
AIDE:But sir...this bag is full of Tic-Tacs. And your bottle of Jack (sniffs bottle) seems to be filled with iced tea.
JFJ:You mean I'm not over dosing on pills and booze?
AIDE: No, sir
JFJ:And you can't commit suicide with Tic-Tacs and iced tea?
AIDE:I'm afraid not, sir
JFJ:Really? Shit!

JFJ Post-Firing Suicide Watch: Day 1

Dammit, I should have been doing this sooner...

SCENE: JFJ's office. An AIDE enters to find JFJ dangling from the ceiling with a rope tied like a noose around his feet.)

AIDE:Mr. Ferguson, what are you doing?
JFJ: I'm trying to hang myself. I've got nothing to live for.
AIDE:But sir...if you're hanging yourself, isn't the rope supposed to be tied around your neck?JFJ: I tried it that way, but I couldn't breathe, so I tied it around my ankles.

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Motivating the Leafs against the Bruins, January 17, 2008

Morning, boyos. For the motivation this time, I got* you this very special clip from that great cinematic achievement "Happy Gilmore." Adam Sandler does kind of look like Zdeno Chara in the Bruins sweater, if Chara, you know, wasn't a circus freak:


*got = found on youtube and am probably somehow violating copyright or something

owowowowowowowowow!! OW!

An open letter: What the smeggin' hell is this? Seriously fellas, how much crack are you smoking before the games? Who do I have to blow to get you to--on second thought, don't answer. In fact, forget I said anything. Just try to not eat a cock tonight, ok? Come on--they're the coddamn Kings. Just get of the freakin' Fall Apart Express already. Why don't you guys just punch me in the head? It would be a lot easier and less painful for me.



(original coupon stolen from here). No pictures for you after last night. Like I said, actually show up to tonight's game and NO SUCKING ALLOWED.

Reverse Psych thing against the Ducks, Jan. 09, '08

Howdy ho, Domiteers. I've decided to give the reverse psych thing another shot since, let's face it, it's not like we're full of options. Besdies, I can upload the photos now--maybe it'll work again.

OK boyos, so you're taking a long trip out west, are you? Aw screw the motivation speech--I did two pictures just to make up for not doing this for a month. There's a happy Domi picture:



And here's an angry Domi:


I am angry at you guys, riding the whole "Fall apart express" throughout teh Southeast last month. Make me a happy Domi, dammit!

Open Letter/Rant to Andrew Raycroft

Special thanks goes to Jared over at Die Hard Blue and White --I totally stole your idea. Except, my idea is more of the "whimsical" sort, whereas your letter had, like, actual analysis and stuff.

Dearest Andrew,
Ok, so here's my idea to make you a better goalie. Other people are going to tell you stuff like "work harder on reflexes" or "suck on a tailpipe", but that's not the kind of advice that you'll follow. What I want to do is offer you the advice that you'll actually follow. This is the kind of advice that's easy to do and will get the promised results.

Here's my thinking: there are all sorts of rules regarding the equipment--how big leg pads can be and whatnot. There is one thing that the NHL can't regulate: the size of your ass. That's right--there are no rules regarding goalie ass size.

Therefore, I propose that you eat lots of donuts. (Image of Homer stolen from here)


Yep, lots and lots of donuts. As in, enough to make you look like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.(Note: google image searching for "Baby got back" is REALLY recommended against, even with the safe search on.) Come on, I know you can do it well--donuts are delicious. Eating lots of them will make your ass grow in size. With a larger butt, you might be able to stop some more pucks. It seems logical to me. To quote the immortal Homer Simpson on the left: "Donuts--is there anything they can't do?"

Think about it, Andrew. Just...think about it

Crapfully yours,
Loser Domi

Bryan McCabe Airing of Grievances (Encore Presentation)

I entered this as one of my two entries into the Festivus Airing of Grievances contest over at www.pensionplanpuppets.com. I figured that I should also throw it up over here, just because my special brand of reverse-psych motivation doesn't seem to work anymore. Plus, I thought anyone here who isn't over at PPP regularly might enjoy it as well. Happy New Year, and I'll see you next year, Domiteers!

Hey there. Um, look—I’ve been pretty busy at doing nothing, so I had an imaginary friend deliver this Airing of Grievances for me. Also, I thought that this particular friend would be pretty funny. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Towelie!(picture stolen from the Wikipedia page on Towelie)


Bryan, you look really sweaty and bloody. Did you remember to bring a towel? Towels are very important, you know. Do you know what else is important, Bryan? Competent defense is also very important to your life, Bryan. Yes it is. What gives, man? Maybe if I got a little high I could explain what’s wrong and how to fix it better.

/Takes bong hit

You wanna get high?

/takes second bong hit
/pause
/longer pause

Oh right, defense. Lemme break it down for you. “De”—well, that’s like how French people say “the” because they can’t say the “th” sound. And “fense” is like how English people say “fence.” Like a fence that blocks stuff and keeps other stuff out, you know? That’s what “de fence” does in hockey—it keeps other people away from the goalie. You’re “de” fence around “de” goalie. Heheheheheh…I oughta write this kinda stuff down. Yeah, we’ve seen you do some pretty good stuff, but you’ve done a lot of stupid carp to make up for it. This video shows some of your stupidest moves. I mean, you got checked by the net. Don’t they teach you to look out for that thing and to not run into it when you’re in, like, Peewee hockey? I can’t imagine that they don’t.

/takes a bong hit

Goals are nice, but your first priority as a defenseman is to keep the other team from scoring. Like I said, “de” fence…heheheheheh. I’ve got some pictures here on my cell phone that’ll help show you what to do. Just let me see where I stored it on here…

/takes out cell phone

/doo-doo-bee-boo-boop dee-doo-doo-doo!

That’s it! That’s the chorus to Funkytown! And now, Loser Domi wants me to tell you Feats of Strength that you can do to redeem yourself for all your Grievances. Ummm…(looks at list) This list is dumb. “competent defense” “Worry more about defending than scoring”—blahh, blah, blah! I want you to see you fit a hockey puck in your mouth. Now that would be impressive!

Also, I think lots of other people would be happy to see you punch yourself in the face.I don't think it would help your game, but it would be funny.

Motivation against the Rangers, Dec. 29, 2007

Lemme see, boyos...I post a picture, you almost win. And by almost win, I mean lose. I get Kitano, and you lose. I do nothing, and you lose. I'm just about at the end of my rope here. Maybe I should just ignore you. Nah, I couldn't ignore you. I'll try to motivate, but...Rangers. Ouch.

Let me think, we've got good, um...PK? nope. PP? hell to tha naw. Goal--aw shit, this is harder than I thought.

I got it:

OUR CAPTAIN IS A MAN NOT NAMED JAROMIR JAGR!

Yep. Mats Sundin is just about as non-Poodle as you can get. That is all.

A NEW Motivation for the Leafs against the Islanders, Dec. 26, 2007

As Greener pointed out after the last motivation post, whenever I did full photo posts, you were wining. However, whenever I did “halfie” posts, you would almost win. Since I can’t upload or save pictures on this computer, I’m stuck with the halfie photos. So, I guess I’ll have to use extra text-based firepower to my posts. Simply the death stare isn’t working anymore.

To further scare you into winning, I’m going to try adding a short speech from someone who would scare me into winning, simply to not see them mad at me. (Kind of stealing a page out of PPP’s book, but not directly.) To start off, here is Kitano from Battle Royale.

No good, no good. That’s what this team has become. You wanna know why? I told you guys to not slack off on things like power plays and I told you to play a goddamn full game. You were okay for a while, then you really started to slack off. You’re no good, but you thought that you would come here anyway. (Smacks nearest player on the head. You can imagine that it is any player you like.) Because of folks like, well, all of you, thus team’s absolutely no good anymore.

It’s you guys’ fault. You mock other, more winning teams. Go ahead and mock them, but don’t you forget: Life is a game, so fight for survival and find out if you’re worth it. Today’s lesson: kill some Islanders!

Motivation for the Leafs against the Florida Panthers, Dec. 22, 2007

I know that the Panthers will be tough. I mean, they have that Finn who scores all of the goals, and that guy who, um, always wears a shirt--you know who I mean. The real Florida Panther is/was on its way to extinction, so do a mercy killing on it, boyos. You know what happens if you lose this game? A FOUR game losing streak, that's what. And that sucks like an Electrolux.

Motivating the Leafs against the TB Lightning: Dec. 20, 2007

Seriously, didn't you guys just recently play each other? And didn't you totaly spank TB that time? Yeah, just try to do that again.


And happy(one-day) late birthday to Matt Stajan. I highly, HIGHLY suspect that he doesn't read this blog, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Motivating the Leafs against Carolina (rock you like a) Hurricanes

So, apparently Inga Skaya isn’t good enough. OK fine, I admit it: due to a family commitment, I didn’t get a chance to put up a post until quarter after six or so, which doesn’t allow for adequate time for the inspiration to take effect. Sorry about that.

There is one and only one thing to fear while playing Carolina. It’s one of the most dangerous things to ever walk the Earth:

That’s right—Stormy the “ice hog.”

My Leafers, that’s a ManBearPig if I’ve ever seen one. (Google image it--Blogger's not leting me load it, and besides after losing, you don't get a pretty picture.) And ManBearPig is one of the biggest threats to our Earth to exist. I mean, Al Gore said it, so it must be true, right?

Motivation against the Habs, Dec. 15, 2007

OK Leafers, you won yesterday, so now here is my end of the bargain: What you see on the left is a picture of Inga Skaya, who represented Canada in the Miss Universe Pagent in May of this year. Just remember Leafers: she is representing THE Toronto Maple Leafs for the "national costume" poriton of the competition. When almost all of the other coutries had national costumes that consisted of very little cloth but loads of feathers and sequins, she chose to wear your team logo. Not the Canadiens. Not the Sens. Not any other teams. Doesn't she look like someone you shouldn't let down? I mean, I know that if I were putting on the foil the Leafs Jersey, I'd want to light the lamp for her. [ insert easy joke here] So go to it boys!

Motivation for the Leafs vs Thrashers, Dec 14, 2007

Morning/afternoon/whatever, fellers. Friday Night(Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?) you're against the Thrashers. So have fun against abstract concepts--you usually do. You'll two whole days to look at this one, mainly because I'm lazy. I figure that since this is a perfect opportunity for it, I'll give you the picture that started it all:


If you're really good, I'll give you a picture of someone (a female someone) who is an even better looking Leafs fan than I am. But only if you're good.

Motivation against the Tampa Bay Lightning, Dec. 10, 2007

OK boyos, after losing to the smegging Bruins, you don't get a picture (though you probably won't anyway since this computer and my camera don't get along.) You get text-based motivation from me instead.

Tampba Bay is abreviated as TB, which is also the abbreviation for tubercolusis. For that reason alone, t's not something you want to screw around with.

The Tampa Bay Lightning feature two wild and crazy guys, Martin St. Louis and Vincent Lecavailier. Marty is so short, he can sneak to the puck between your legs and you won't even notice. Much like the common field mouse, he scurries with great speed away from things larger than he is that would eat him for breakfast. Vinny has all the girls crazy AND is on his way to becoming the season's leading scorer in all senses of the word.

SO yeah. TB will kick ass.