Blue and White Christmas: Final Act

PART 3
(At the cabin, all of the Leafs, including the coaching staff, have arrived and they are all making merry and having a generally good time)
COLTON ORR: Hey guys, you wanna hear a song I just wrote?
TYLER BOZAK: Sure!
DION PHANEUF: Whatever.
KESSEL: I like turtles.

ORR: 

You better watch out, you better not cry

You better not pout I’m telling you why

Colton Orr is coming to town

He sees you when you’re icing, he knows when you put on skates,

He’ll rearrange your face for good, so Matt Carkner don’t give me a blood borne disease.

So fuck all the Sens, and fuck all the Hab

And Lucic, man, you’re just plain sad,

Colton Orr is coming! To! TOWNNNNNN!

PHANEUF: That was beautiful.
CUTHBERT: I don’t think we’re supposed to say fuck on TV.
RON WILSON: Ah, screw it. It’s not like anyone’s actually watching this garbage anyway.
TIM BRENT: But Coach Wilson, shouldn’t we be talking about the REAL meaning of the season?
BOZAK: What are you going on about?
BRENT: Well…And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
WILSON: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, CHARLIE BROWN!
BRENT (dejectedly):…But that was Linus’s big speech…
KABERLE: This is much nice party, Dion, but I have a strong feeling as though there is something…missing.
PHANEUF: What do you mean?
KABERLE: Well, in other Leafs seasons, there was…something else that happened during holiday seasons. I cannot quite remember it…
(there is a knock at the door)
PHANEUF: Hey, Lebda, do something useful with your life—get the door. Or get me another beer. You know, whatever.
(BRETT LEBDA opens the door. It’s a strangely familiar man in a ski mask who is carrying a toy cat)
MASKED MAN: BRRRRR! It’s cold and windy out there!
BRETT LEBDA: Who the Hell are you?
MASKED MAN: Oh, sorry, I had the mask on since it was so cold outside. (Takes off mask. The MASKED MAN turns out to be LEE STEMPNIAK)
LEBDA: Holy shit, it’s the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia! I’m a big fan.
LEE STEMPNIAK: Yes, Brett. And Buttons and I have a special gift for everyone here. (STEMPNIAK takes out a gun and shoots LEBDA in the face, and then leaves.)
CUTHBERT: Did that guy just shoot Lebda in the face? Do we need an ambulance?
KABERLE: NOW I know what this party was missing! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, Leafs fans!


FIN

Ask Lee Stempniak: In Search of Buttons

Photo credit: http://coyotes.nhl.com/club/player.htm?id=8470740 )
(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S new place in Phoenix)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hi everyone! I’m sorry for the long delay, but moving to Phoenix and scoring all those goals meant I didn’t have all that much time for the show. But now that the Coyotes are out of the playoffs, I can do the show again.  I’d like to introduce my lovely finacée Jenna to the show.
JENNA: Uh, yeah. Hi Internet people!
STEMPNIAK: But now I’m here, I’m excited for the playoffs, so let’s go! I just need to find my good buddy, Buttons and we can start. Buttons? (looks around couch, behind chairs, etc.) Jenna…have you seen Buttons?
JENNA: Buttons? You mean, like, on clothing?
STEMPNIAK: No, I mean Buttons my little buddy cat.
JENNA: Do you mean Boss? He’s asleep in the next room, in that sunny spot he likes.
STEMPNIAK: No, not Boss. Buttons. The little black and white cat I always…oh no. You don’t think we forgot him, do you?
JENNA: Lee, do you really need—
STEMPNIAK: BUTTONS!
JENNA: Holy shit, this is weird. I’m gonna…I’m gonna go to the store for, uh…some smokes. Yeah, Just stepping out for some smokes. (leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, Ok, Lee…(breaths deeply) Buttons is a stuffed cat. He couldn’t have gotten far. Maybe I should call up some of the guys from the Leafs, maybe they know where he is. (calls MIKE KOMISAREK’S place, where PHIL KESSEL is also hanging out.)
MIKE KOMISAREK: Hello?
STEMPNIAK: Hey Mike, it’s Lee Stempniak.
KOMISAREK: Oh, hey Lee! I haven’t heard from you in forever! How’s it going?
PHIL KESSEL: (mockingly) 27 goals, two years ago!
KOMISAREK: Shut up, Phil.
STEMPNIAK:  Listen, I think I lost Buttons. And since you were the only repeat guest I could get on the show, I was just wondering if you had seen him or if you thought maybe someone else might know where he is.
KOMISAREK: Wait, Buttons was that little cat of yours, right? If so, I haven’t seen him at all.
KESSEL: Hey Mike, while he’s on the phone, ask him what a butterface is.
KOMISAREK: Phil wants to know if you know what a butterface is.
STEMPNIAK: Phil, I’m not your personal Google.
KOMISAREK: Lee says—
KESSEL: I heard what he said. That must mean he doesn’t know.
STEMPNIAK: Hey, I know a lot of stuff! I went to Dartmouth, after all.
KOMISAREK: Phil, a Butterface is when a girl’s real hot, got a nice body...but a really ugly face. You like everything….but her face.
KESSEL: Is that like that Lady Gaga song that’s like “bu-bu-bu butterface, bu-bu-butterface”
STEMPNIAK: Mu-mu-mu-muah.
KOMISAREK:  You know, I bet if you scraped off the makeup and took off the crazy headdress shit, she wouldn’t be that bad looking. She’d almost be “let her eat crackers in the bed” good looking.
KESSEL: No she’s not! Are you fackin’ blind?
STEMPNIAK: Guys, Guys! I don’t care about Lady Gaga. Have you seen Buttons?
KESSEL: Nope.
KOMISAREK: Not here. I think Grabbo had a thing against him, so you may want to check that out.
STEMPNIAK: Ok, thanks guys. (calls MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI)
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Vitayu. Grabovski.
STEMPNIAK: Hey, Mikhail, it’s Lee Stempniak. I’m calling because I can’t find Buttons.
GRABOVSKI: What is Buttons?
STEMPNIAK: You remember…my little black and white cat?
GRABOVSKI: Cat was weird. Buttons no like Mikhail. Cat just stares at Mikhail and plots evil.
STEMPNIAK: Buttons is not evil, Mikhail.
GRABOVSKI: Well, I have no seen Buttons. Too busy stabbing new fruits to see Buttons. (in the background, a skeet shooting platform launches and a shotgun is fired)
STEMPNIAK: What the Hell was that?
GRABOVSKI: Good shots, Kulemin!
STEMPNIAK: O…kay. I’ll just hang up now. Have a good one.
GRABOVSKI: Ok, Lee! Hey Kulemin! Leaves me starfruits! Those are fun.
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know who would know where Buttons could be…wait a minute…what’s that near the window?
BUTTONS:…
STEMPNIAK:  You weren’t there before!
BUTTONS:…
STEMPNIAK: Don’t scare me like that!

Time to Say Goodbye: Lee Stempniak

You may know Lee Stempniak from his mildly popular advice show here on WWoLD. I'll be honest: I started Ask Lee Stempniak to get rid of him. It seemed like every time I give a Leafs player a show, he gets traded. It happened to Carlo Colaiacovo, Nik Antropov (and now Alexei Poinkarovsky), and even Darcy Tucker (despite his show lasting ONE ENTIRE EPISODE.) Someone brought this up and I decided to try giving someone a show to delibratly trade him. That choice was Lee Stempniak, who I didn't really like at the time.


Ask Lee Stempniak is the longest-running Leafs show that I have done so far, and it has been tons of fun to write, but something else happened. I started to dislike Lee less and less to where I considered him one of the higher-ranking men in my stable of imaginry hockey boyfriends. What a sneaky, sneaky bastard to ninja his way into my heart like that.


Great moments in WWoLD history:
Well, he did have that show. Also...got shot in the face for his WWoLD debut...starred in one of the most heartbreaking, melodramatic slashfics ever written... helped Vesa Toskala when he was trapped in a closet...made us all love Buttons...cameoed in the longest period of time Mike Van Ryn has ever gone without an injury..."I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it."...settled a music dispute.


What I Learned from Lee Stempniak:
 Obviously, I can't have imaginary Leafs boyfriends, ESPECIALLY if they have a show here. I guess there's only one thing to do...


RICKARD WALLIN, WOULD YOU BE MY DANDY HIGHWAYMAN?

Also, keep an eye out for my new feature "Czech out Cooking with Kaberle."

Maple Leafs Chat: Meanwhile...

***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, being injured for the Olympics sucks.
MaiHartWillDion: At least you got picked. They didn't want me. It's sad.
KomiKazi: I know a lot of guys here are on vacation, but hey, there's no reason we can hang out. Maybe some NHL10 and some beers or something.
MaiHartWillDion: Can we do karaoke? I figgin' LOVE karaoke!
KomiKazi: Oh, ok. That sounds like fun! What kind of stuff do you do?
MaiHartWillDion: I figgin' love to sing Journey!
KomiKazi:...
MaiHartWillDion: What?
KomiKazi: Dude...
MaiHartWillDion:What's wrong with Journey?
KomiKazi: Look, there are only two kinds of people who listen to Journey: pussies and drunken sorority skanks.
MaiHartWillDion: Oh yeah, what kind of stuff do YOU listen to, Mr Kickass McAweseome pants?
KomiKazi: well, I kinda like Metallica...

MaiHartWillDion: Whatever.
StempOfApproval: GUYS! I just found something awesome on the Internet!
MaiHartWillDion: The Internet? There's porn there!
KomiKazi: Yay for boobs!
StempOfApproval: Check it out:

MaiHartWillDion: Holy crap...
KomiKazi: It's Journey...AND Metallica. And it doesn't suck! Kickass!

Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Valentines for All

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK, MIKE KOMISAREK, and MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI are on a couch in STEMPNIAK's house)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of Ask Lee Stempniak!
MIKE KOMISAREK: It’s ask the injury reserve edition! The best advice show Hot Pockets can buy!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Death pockets!
STEMPNIAK: With me are fellow hockey players Mike Komisarek and Mikhail Grabovski. It’s a special Valentine’s edition of the show this time.
KOMISAREK: It’s the kind of thing we do great.
STEMPNIAK: The first question is from Alex in Westchester, who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: My girlfriend and I have an anniversary coming up. Neither of us is really into romantic stuff, so you got any ideas for dates that aren’t just the standard “dinner and a movie” or “cook each other dinner” bullcrap?”
KOMISAREK: Hrmmm…it depends what you and your girl are into. If you guys are both into a certain band or if your both hockey fans, I’d suggest you go to a concert or a game.
GRABOVSKI: And I cans say if yous in hockey or other sports, you can talk about game while it goes. Is not like in movie or concert.
STEMPNIAK: You know what else you could do is, like, those workshops that Home Depot does where you learn how to do home improvement stuff. Another kind of “offbeat” thing you can do is go to a firing range followed by a nice dinner—you know, a mix of soft feminine with hard butch.
KOMISAREK: Honestly, if a girl wanted to go to Home Depot and a firing range with me, I’d drop to one knee and propose on the spot.
STEMPNIAK: Our next letter is from Shoshanna in Kingston who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and we’re going out to karaoke with some friends. The problem is that we don’t really like any of the same music. What are some romantic song selections that aren’t too sappy that we can both like?”
KOMISAREK: You two will have to answer this one because I know I would be way too tempted to sing stuff like “Baby Got Back” or something. LA Face with an Oakland booty! (makes whipping noise)
STEMPNIAK: You know, I always thought that “Born to Run” was a nice, not-too-sappy love song.

GRABOVSKI: …yous serious?
STEMPNIAK: Well, yeah.
KOMISAREK: Dude, “Born to Run” is about getting the Hell out of New Jersey.
STEMPNIAK: But it’s got that whole “let’s take on the world and have adventures” vibe…
KOMISAREK: It couldn’t be more about getting the fuck out of New Jersey if Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to “Tramps like us gotta get the fuck out of New Jersey.” It says the word “suicide” twice!
STEMPNIAK: …I like my reading of it better. Grabbo, what do you think is a good love song?
GRABOVSKI: I likes that version of Springsteen, is how I sing it now! I also likes Rolling Stones! But for singings, I liking “Tequila.”
STEMPNIAK: Well, hey, that one’s funny and cute and would be a great memory, I guess.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, even Grabbo would know the words, which is more than I can say for Dion Phaneuf.
STEMPNIAK: Moving on…Kyle in Scarborough asks, “I’m currently living in an apartment with my brother and his girlfriend. We all get along great, except for one thing. Sometimes, I can hear them having sex through the walls when I’m trying to sleep! Should I mention this or just let it slide?”
GRABOVSKI: How hot is girlfriend?
STEMPNIAK: That’s just wrong, Mikhail.
KOMISAREK: Seriously. That is DO NOT ENTER territory.
GRABOVSKI: Well, maybes if overhearing sexytimes is worst of living there, is not such bad living place, no?
STEMPNIAK: I…didn’t understand a word of that.
KOMISAREK: I think what Grabbo means is that if overhearing sex every now and then is the biggest problem, this Kyle guy doesn’t have it so bad for roommates.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, unless it’s, say, every night or if it’s REALLY loud, then he might want to mention something. But if it’s just every now and then, some earplugs on the nightstand never hurt anybody.
GRABOVSKI: Lee, I no like your black and white cat. He stares at me for whole time, and cat only stares at things when they goings to kill it.
STEMPNIAK: Guys, that’s just Buttons. He likes everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s not ever a real cat—he’s just a stuffed toy.
KOMISAREK: See? I told you it was real! I so wasn’t making it up!
GRABOVSKI: O….kay…
KOMISAREK: Look, Lee…I think I have an appointment for uh, whatever’s wrong with me. I gotta go. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Bye Mike! Are you sure you don’t wanna stick around?
KOMISAREK:…I think this one might be important.
GRABOVSKI: I must be goings, too.
STEMPNIAK: Ahh, you too, Grabbo?
GRABOVSKI: Yeah, I as weblog to update and cute girls to text. It takes me extra long because of hurty wrists. Have fun with your kitty, Lee! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, bye, Mikhail…you know Buttons, there’s no reason to sulk alone. I’m going to brush you out and we’re gonna have a killer night on the town, whaddya say? Well…yeah, it might be a bit odd, but we could at least see a movie or something. I’m sure they’d let you in…Alright! Let me get my best brown suit and we’re off!

Ask Lee Stempniak: Buckeyes are Deady Nuts

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello Everyone! Welcome to a new episode of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” I’m Lee Stempniak, and I play hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I’m here with fellow player Tomas Kaberle.

TOMAS KABERLE: Hello, all you “Ask Lee Stempniak” fans out there!

STEMPNIAK: Today, we have a multi-part letter from Aubrey in River Heights, Ohio. We’re going to take this one question at a time. Aubrey writes:

“Dear Lee Stempniak,I have this friend. Most of the time we get along wonderfully, but lately a few issues have come up that we just can't seem to reach an agreement on and it's put a strain on our relationship. We're hoping that you can provide us with definitive answers to these questions so that we can be BFF's again. (We would have asked Dear Abby, but we both agree that you most likely have a better knowledge of monkeys than she does.)

Issue #1 - Is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, really a witch or actually a fairy in disguise? I say that anyone that has a crown, a wand, and a glowing pink aura is in fact, a fairy. My friend argues that no one that was not actually a witch would call themselves one.”

KABERLE: OK….I must confess something. I have not seen “The Wizard of Oz” beyond when it switches to colour.

STEMPNIAK: Seriously? Why?

KABERLE: It is too scary for me. I tried once, and I shut it off right after it switched to colour.

STEMPNIAK: But what’s so scary about it?

KABERLE: Oz is the brightest place on earth. It is like they live in a rainbow that’s been decorated by Las Vegas people or something. And the munchkins (shudder)…I could not sleep for 3 days after it.

STEMPNIAK: Well, for the record…in that case, I’d call Glenda a witch, because she says she is. It’s kind of like how if you know someone with a French name but they introduce it with the anglicized version. I’m not going to be that jerk who says “Actually, you’re pronouncing your own name wrong, dumbass. It’s boo-CHEY, not BOO-cher.” That’s just rude.

KABERLE: I guess that makes sense. Can we stop talking about that movie?

STEMPNIAK: Sure. Next question,

“Issue #2 - On a scale of one to ten, how wrong would it be to run down a pack of monkeys with an eighteen wheeler? I say that monkeys are disgusting and we'd be doing the world a favor. My friend says that monkeys have rights, same as people.”

KABERLE: I don’t know about the same as people, but I’m ok with monkeys. They go into space and test cosmetics for us.

STEMPNIAK: Well, Aubrey, even if you run down a pack of monkeys, there will still be more monkeys out there. You can’t get rid of monkeys. I guess it’s just one of those things you have to live with.

KABERLE: Maybe she should just avoid places with monkeys, like zoos and research places?

STEMPNIAK: Sounds good. The last question is

“Issue #3 - What exactly is a "beatnik?" OK, so we could probably Google that, but we're lazy.”

KABERLE: This is English I do not know.

STEMPNIAK: They’re like hipsters who wear all black and listen to jazz instead of wearing ironic t-shirts while listening to shitty lo-fi bands that nobody’s heard of. And they think their poetry is better than everyone elses.

KABERLE: Like emo kids?

STEMPNIAK: Not really, because beatnik poetry is all about being experimental and pretending to be some deep philosopher. Emo poetry is all how much life sucks because you got dumped and your mom won’t let you ride the bus to Hot Topic.

KABERLE: You know a lot about this…

STEMPNIAK: I spend a lot of time on the Internet.

KABERLE: Lee, your cat won’t stop staring at me…

STEMPNIAK: It’s just Buttons, Kabbie, don’t worry.

KABERLE:Was that the last question? I must, uh…give my dog a bath. (KABERLE leaves)

STEMPNIAK: No Buttons, that’s not why Tomas left…don’t look at me like that! (sighs) OK, fiiiiiiiiiinnnne, you're right. (pauses) Aww....you know I can't stay mad at you! I'll make some chicken and pasta and we can go watch Mad Men, OK? That sounds great.

LOLeafs: for the kitties edition

Yeah, I know it's a bit of a cop out. A new Ask Lee Stempniak is in progress. Here's this to whet your appetite.

Holiday Kesstacular, CONCLUSION

(Still at the holiday party of part 4)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry! Maybe I should just give up.
WILSON: What do you mean? “Give up” what?
KESSEL: I’m just not cut out for helping people and volunteering stuff. Grabbo and I are banned from that mall, Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers are dead and Vesa’s in rehab, which means we don’t have an NHL-proven goalie!
WILSON: We had NHL-proven goalies before?
KESSEL: We don’t even have Jonas as a backup since his heart exploded again. I just wreck things.
WILSON: You know what they say Phil—you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, or something like that.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: But Phil, taking down pek-o-file Santa was awesome! Much more awesomer than fighting Kostitsyns.
MATT STAJAN: Thanks to you Phil, I’ll have to either step up my game or fade into the background…(tortured sigh)
NIK HAGMAN: And I know that Vesa will hate us for a while, but in the end he become better man. Or die. Either way.
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: And you take on Hell’s Angels, PhilKessel. Not many people who do that without being dead.
RICKARD WALLIN: And Phil Kessel taught me how to read!
WILSON: Who the hell are you? Get out of here, straggler!
WALLIN: But I’m a player! (WALLIN runs off crying)
WILSON: Anyway, the point is… Phil, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself.
PONIKAROVSKY: And if you have the power of JesusChrist
WILSON: Don’t interrupt me, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry, CoachRonWilson.
WILSON: You see Phil, we all have a special gift to offer everyone, even you. (BRIAN BURKE enters)
BRIAN BURKE: He’s got a special gift? No shit, Sherlock! Why do you think I traded for him, dumbass?
ALL PLAYERS: (gasp) Brian Burke!
BURKE: Ya damn right, dammit. How’s everyone’s holiday?
LEE STEMPNIAK: I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it.
BURKE: Nobody freakin’ cares about your problems, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) Forget it.
BURKE: Phil, I got you so you can score multiple goals in one season. Just remember that.
KESSEL: I think I can be happy here. I know it! Even if I do miss Marc Savard sometimes.
STAJAN: Hey, I could be your buddy, Phil. You know—Marc Savard, Matt Stajan, same initials, right?
BURKE: YOU ARE NO MARC SAVARD, STAJAN!
STAJAN: (cowering) Sorry, sir.
BURKE: Phil, would you like to be on my Olympic team?
KESSEL: Would I? Of COURSE!
BURKE: Well, come on. We’ll find whichever strip club Mike Komisarek’s at and start training.
WALLIN: Yay Phil! You can do it!
WILSON: I thought I told you to get out of here, party crasher!
WALLIN: But I’m part of the Maples Leafs! I play for them!
BURKE: SECURITY! (Security guys come) Give this loser the boots, medium style. (SECURITY drags a crying and protesting WALLIN off the premises and later beat him mercilessly)
WILSON: Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s have a toast—
BURKE: To truculence!
WILSON: DON’T interrupt me!
BURKE: Screw you!
WILSON: SCREW YOU!
(awkward silence)
BURKE:So…you wanna grab some wings or something?
WILSON:Sure, sounds good.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is it being true that you both order wings so spicy they have to clear out the restaurant because they are not safe for other humans?
WILSON and BURKE: Shut it, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry CoachRonWilson and BrianBurke.
(everyone continues to have a good time at the party, and it all worked out in the end.)

THE END

Holiday Kesstacular Part 4!

(SCENE: At the Leafs’ generic holiday party, where WAYNE PRIMEAU and ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY have started arguing)

WAYNE PRIMEAU: Look, Poni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just curious to know what people do for Christmas in Ukraine. Maybe you guys leave out virgins and fish sauce for Santa Claus instead of pickled eggs and beer like we do.

ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry WaynePrimeau, but I was thinking it was milk and cookies people leave for Santa, not pickled eggs and beer.

MATT STAJAN: I was always told milk and cookies.

LEE STEMPNIAK: Me too!

LUKE SCHENN: Milk and cookies here too!

PHIL KESSEL: I left out milk and jerky for Santa….maybe that’s why I never got that bike I wanted.

FRANÇOIS BEAUCHEMIN: In Québec, we leave out a can of Pepsi, some May Wests and a pack of smokes.

PRIMEAU: So wait…what you guys are telling me is that leaving pickled eggs and beer for Santa is weird?

THE OTHER LEAFS: Yes.

PRIMEAU: Hrmm. (shrugs shoulders) Ya learn something new every day, I guess. (NIK HAGMAN and JONAS GUSTAVSSON enter)

NIK HAGMAN: (worried) I just want to warn you guys….usually us Finns are really good with our liquor, but—

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: But not if you are Vesa.

KESSEL: But it’s only, like, eight o’clock. How is he drunk already?

HAGMAN: He must have started earlier, because all I saw him drink was, like, half a daiquiri. (VESA TOSKALA, holding a half-consumed strawberry daiquiri, bursts in the room)

VESA TOSKALA: (drunk, slurring and angry) Oh WHAAAAAAAAT Hagman? Are you talking about you smokin' hot wifey again? Jeeeeez what a surprise!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala, are you ok?

TOSKALA: You shut yer trap, Poni! I’m not the one who’s fallin down and shit on powerplays!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala is right. (sighs)

BEAUCHEMIN: Vesa, you ‘ave been acting like there is somesing wrong wit you. Is there somesing you need to tell us? Maybee you need to say…?

TOSKALA: Look big French dude, I jus’ wanna say…I jus’ wanna say somethings…I am not…gay! Ok? I am secure enough in my heterosezuaity that I can say “hey, that guy over there looks real nice” and, laaike, wear pink, and laaike, do this (TOSKALA deeply French-kisses STEMPNIAK) You see?

PRIMEAU: That makes no sense at all, Vesa. (TOSKALA trips over his own feet)

KESSEL: Hey Vesa, Hags, can we talk over in this other corner for a bit?

TOSKALA: Ya, why? (KESSEL, HAGMAN and TOSKALA go to a separate corner)

HAGMAN: Vesa, we’re pretty worried about you. This season, you’ve just been …

TOSKALA: I knows when I laaike had enough!

KESSEL: I don’t know if you do anymore. I’m worried about you, Vesa. I feel like you’re not the same guy anymore.

TOSKALA: You’s right. Laaike, Vesa’s suc a washed up hack-been (starts crying)

HAGMAN: No, Vesa, we can get you help.

KESSEL: Yeah! I know we can get you help. I know this great place!

TOSKALA: I’s not goings to rehabs!

KESSEL: No, it’s not a rehab place, it’s uh….

HAGMAN: It’s super exclusive night club! Let’s just get in my car, I’ll show you!

(HAGMAN and KESSEL load TOSKALA into a car and dump him in an emergency drug rehab centre, then return to the party)

SCHENN: So Stemper…uh…does the thing with Toskala mean…

STAJAN: Uh…how was it?

STEMPNIAK: Umm….well…a mouth’s a mouth, I guess. It kinda felt like despair and hopelessness, but that might have just been Tosk.

RON WILSON: (with plate of mini butter tarts) You boys enjoying the party? Here, have some mini butter tarts. (STAJAN, STEMPNIAK and SCHENN are relieved at the distraction from a very awkward conversation)

STAJAN: Oh boy! Butter tarts!

STEMPNIAK: I just like the name. Butter tarts.

SCHENN: it's a good name and they are so tasty!

WILSON: Phil! Nik! Glad you two could make it.

HAGMAN: We were here earlier, but Phil and I tooks Vesa to alcohol place.

KESSEL: He was willing! He said so in the car.

HAGMAN: He also says you had a pretty mouth. So?

GUSTAVSSON: So….now I’s only goalie guys for Toronto? (starts looking a bit pale and weak)

STEMPNIAK: Oh no! Jonas! Is your heart exploding again? (GUSTAVSSON faints)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.

KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry!

Will Phil Kessel continue his inability to make a good difference in Toronto? Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to 2009's Holiday Kesstacular!

Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Holiday Episode

(This week's Friday YouTube Yoinkage has been pre-empted for this holiday special. EDIT: Apparently, Garrett Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove Fame agreed with me that Stempy should have a hat, so he put his Photoshoppery skills to practice and made me a new Stemps picture. Thanks, man!)

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house. He is on a couch with JASON BLAKE and GARNET EXELBY)

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello, and welcome to a special holiday edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak.” Naturally, I’m Lee Stempniak, and I’m here with Jason Blake and Garnet Exelby. They play hockey with me for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

GARNET EXELBY: Hi mom! I’m on a show!

STEMPNIAK: Whatever. Let’s start answering questions! Our first question comes from Anika in Port Hope, Ontario. She asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, it’s the holidays, which means lots of relatives coming over and cooking. We all love my Aunt Shelly, but she is a terrible cook—anything she makes is so bad, even the dog won’t touch it—but she still loves to cook for us. How can we get her to stop bringing food without hurting her feelings?”

JASON BLAKE: That’s kind of hard, especially since she loves it so much.

EXELBY: What if you told her that the party stuff was on a totally different day or time, so she wouldn’t even be there?

STEMPNIAK: They like her company, but it’s just her cooking they don’t like. You might want to plan ahead and say to Shelly, “Hey, we have plenty of pies and casseroles, but we need someone to bring in cups and napkins, can you do that?” So that way, she may not bring in food and you can still enjoy her company. Our next question is from Mark in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia asks, “Which is better: cake or pie?”

BLAKE: That’s the whole question?

STEMPNIAK: “Cake or pie?” That’s it.

BLAKE: Well, obviously cake, for the simple reason I’ve never heard of a mincemeat cake.

EXELBY: No way, pie is better. Cake’s too…fancy for me. Pie is a man’s desert because it just goes into deliciousness. You have to dress up and decorate a cake. Pie doesn’t need any of that crap. It’s good without any fancy coloring or frosting or anything.

STEMPNIAK: What about pie a la mode?

EXELBY: Well, you can have ice cream by itself, and you can have pie by itself. They’re independent, but still work well with each other. You can’t have just frosting or just cake.

BLAKE: But pie is so much harder to make than cake—it’s so much easier to screw up.

EXELBY: Then you’ve never seen me try to make cake. Chili is fine, but for some reason…cake is impossible.

STEMPNIAK: Cake is good, but pie is so versatile. You can have sweet pies, chicken pot pies…you could make a whole meal of multiple courses that are nothing but pies!

(30 minutes later)

BLAKE: …That still doesn’t change how wrong you are.

EXELBY: Oh, whatever!

STEMPNIAK: Guys—GUYS! Did we just spend half an hour talking about pie?

EXELBY: Holy crap, we did.

BLAKE: (snorts) What is this, Tuesday night at Martin Brodeur’s house?

STEMPNIAK: The next question is marked as “from Harvey Dent in Gotham” who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: What was it like living with Liam Neeson and Christian Bale on top of that mountain learning the ways of The League of Shadows? Were you pissed when Batman blew up your shit?”

BLAKE: That….makes no sense at all.

EXELBY: You know Christian Bale? Did he ever lose his shit with you?

STEMPNIAK: No, I don’t know Christian Bale, or Liam Neeson. But I’m sure they’re OK guys.

EXELBY: I dunno about Christian Bale, but I like Liam Neeson, especially after he saved all those Jews from JetPack Hilter.

BLAKE: …What the Hell?

EXELBY: I saw it! It was a true story! He had the coffee on the thing to make it look old and stuff.

(There is a knock at the door)

STEMPNIAK: Who is it?

VOICE: Hanukah Fairy.

EXELBY: The Hell’s a Hanukah fairy? I didn’t know any of us were Jewish…

STEMPNIAK: I’m gonna go answer.

BLAKE: I know I’m not Jewish… (STEMPNIAK gets up to answer the door. There is nobody there, but a flaming bag of dog waste is on the doormat)

STEMPNIAK: Good Lord! That could start a fire! (stomps it out) Oh, man!

BLAKE: (laughs hysterically)That was the best idea ever!

EXELBY: (also laughing) "Hanukah Fairy" ! Man, that's classic!

STEMPNIAK: What? It was you?!

BLAKE: It was my idea, but I paid a neighborhood kid to actually do it.

STEMPNIAK: (angry) Get out of my house!

EXELBY: Do we still get our money and Hot Pockets for hanging out with you?

STEMPNIAK: I hate you guys.

Ask Lee Stempniak: Bisexual, Asshat

(mugshot from NHL.com)

I'd like to thank JaredofLondon for being a great idea bouncer once again.

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house, where he is seated on his couch with PHIL KESSEL and MIKE KOMISAREK)
STEMPNIAK: Welcome again to another edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Once more, I am your host, NHL player Lee Stempniak. I’m joined here by my friends and two of the newer members of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Phil Kessel and Mike Komisarek. Thanks for coming out, you guys.
MIKE KOMISAREK: Thanks for, uh, having us, I guess.
PHIL KESSEL: WOWIE! 50 BUCKS to hang out with you and answer mail? Thanks Lee! Man, I’m gonna go buy Assassin’s Creed!
KOMISAREK: I dunno Phil, maybe Little Big Planet is more up your alley…
KESSEL: Why is that, Mike?
KOMISAREK: Well, it’s just that you’re….never mind.
STEMPNIAK: Jared in London asks “How do they get the caramel inside of the Caramilk bar?”
KESSEL: Man, that’s a hard one. But yanno, those Australians do some pretty crazy stuff, donchaknow. I dunno if their Caramilk is the same as our Caramilk.
KOMISAREK: Wait a second: Australians?
KESSEL: Well, yeah, isn’t he in London?
STEMPNIAK: That means he could be British. Or maybe he’s from Ontario, or any other place that has a city named “London.”
KOMISAREK: There are quite a few of those.
STEMPNIAK: I think they make the section with the…packets part, I guess you call it, then put in caramel, then put on a slab of chocolate.
KESSEL: “Packet parts”?
STEMPNIAK: Kinda like an ice cube tray, I guess?
KESSEL: So Caramilks are ice cube trays? Geez, you Canadians are weird.
KOMISAREK: Uh, I’m from Long Island.
STEMPNIAK: I’m from the Buffalo-ish area.
KESSEL: Close enough!
STEMPNIAK: Kessel, you’re from Wisconsin! You’re probably closer than either of us!
KESSEL: You’re still weird.
STEMPNIAK: Anyway, Samantha from Denver wants to know “On a scale of 1-10, how hairy is Ian White?” I’d say….11.
KOMISAREK: Yes, 11. Dude sheds like a cat.
KESSEL: He’s like a…wolverine or something, he’s so fackin’ hairy.
STEMPNIAK: Next question is from Dave in Newbury who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, I’m writing to you because I think we’re in the same situation. I'm in a real personal pickle. I've always felt, well, a bit different from the other people I know and I think I may be bisexual. How can I come out to my really conservative parents?" Wait…how would I be in the same situation as this guy? I’m not—
KESSEL: What’s a bisexual? Does that mean he fucks bicycles?
KOMISAREK: Nah, it means he’s only gay on weekends.
KESSEL: I thought it meant that he was only gay when he was depressed?
STEMPNIAK: That makes absolutely no sense, Phil. Gay can also mean happy.
KOMISAREK: Well, this guy can’t be too happy—he’s asking Lee Stempniak for advice!
STEMPNIAK: No, you guys, being bisexual means that…you like the person for being them, not because they’re a man or a woman.
KESSEL: So you’re an equal opportunity humper?
KOMISAREK: Like Tila Tequila!
KESSEL: So all bisexuals are hot skanks?
STEMPNIAK: Well, no. It’s not like all straight chicks are hot, you know.
KOMISAREK: Wait….Lee, at the beginning of the letter, Dave says “I think we’re in the same situation.” Is there something you’re not telling us, Lee?
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no. I’m pretty sure I would know if I were bisexual.
KOMISAREK: I dunno, Lee, that’s not what it says on Talk Sports. Check it out, I got it on my Blackberry. Ahem: “I heard stemper was bicurious actually. Him and his friend Dan Shribman had a little bit of a thing. Dan was the recipient if that means anything.”
KESSEL: Uhh…wow, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: Dammit, that’s not true! Talk Sports is like Bleacher Report for puck bunnies!
KESSEL: Not that there’s anything wrong with you being, you know…
STEMPNIAK:…Except it’s not true.
KOMISAREK: Well Dave, here’s what you do: start by telling them you are attracted to Luke Schenn, ‘cause 99% of males admit to being attracted to him--the other 1% are lying. Then slowly work your way through slightly less attractive NHL players, movie stars, or band guys.
STEMPNIAK: I also heard of some people who come out by go on and on about their boyfriend or girlfriend and then switch pronouns. So, they’d be going on about “Oh, my girlfriend’s awesome, she’s got a great job and such and such, and by the way, her name’s Fred.”
KOMISAREK: But you gotta be brave to do that, don’t you?
STEMPNIAK: Oh yeah, but you just have to know your situation. You might want to find a friend who’s gay, lesbian or bi and ask them, or you can go online and get one of the forums for this kind of thing. Anyway, good luck, Dave!
KESSEL: This is what I love about this show, Lee. You can help people with anything--whether it's about coming out of the closet, what color is best for a prom dress, or where to get a good sandwich.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, Lee, about that…you said there would be sandwiches. All we got is some stale Triscuts with spray cheese on them
STEMPNIAK: ...and Hot pockets! Hot pockets are like sandwiches, but better
KOMISAREK: You only have ham and cheese. That’s like the Kmart of hot pockets.
STEMPNIAK: Well, I just need to stock up. It's been a while since I made a Costco run
KOMISAREK: I hate Costco. It’s always so busy, and I mean, who needs 10 gallons of chunky peanut butter? (KESSEL slowly raises his hand. KOMISAREK and STEMPNIAK give him odd looks.)
KESSEL: What? It's tasty and good on fruit!
KOMISAREK: So that’s why you always want to room with Grabovski. Geez, it must be like some sort of freaky fruit peanut butter buffet in there
KESSEL: Man, you don't want to know
STEMPNIAK: (Nervously) Haha bi-nanana! You guys get it? ‘Cause of—
KOMISAREK: Yes Lee, I get it.
KESSEL: I don’t.
KOMISAREK: Of course you don’t because you’re…never mind. Actually, I gotta go, um…I have laundry to fold. See you later, Lee, Phil. (KOMISAREK leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Later Mike!
KESSEL: Later! Maybe I should go too, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: You too? Don’t you want to answer some more letters, or have some more Hot Pockets? Hell, you want to come on a Costco run with me? You know, I could get more Hot Pockets, you could get more peanut butter…we could make a trip out of it.
KESSEL: Nah, I think I’m all set for now. Thanks anyway.
STEMPNIAK: Well, if you need anything, just call me. I’ll be a great buddy for you, Phil! See, even my cat Buttons likes you. Well, then again, he’s a stuffed cat, so he likes everybody...
KESSEL: Uh, yeah. Sure. One more thing though…PHILLLLL KESSSEEELLLL. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know about him, Buttons.

Ask Lee Stempniak!

(Mugshot from the Maple Leafs site)

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’s living room, where he, RICKARD WALLIN, and JEFF FINGER are sitting on a couch.)
LEE STEMPNIAK: (to JEFF FINGER) So, uh, do those kind of pills actually work?
JEFF FINGER: The most you get is, like, an eighth of an inch, if that. They’re mostly sugar and herbs that do who-knows-what to your system. And if there’s a drug test, do you really want to be the guy who tested positive for--
RICKARD WALLIN: Hey, is that light over there supposed to be on?
STEMPNIAK:…Oh, hi everyone! I’m hockey player Lee Stempniak and welcome to my show “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Today I’m joined by two of my friends and fellow hockey players Jeff Finger and Rickard Wallin.
FINGER: I got a question—who writes in to ask Lee Stempniak for advice?
STEMPNIAK: Hey, anytime I get to help people, it’s a good thing!
WALLIN: Yeah! Like how he helped both of us out by giving us forty dollars!
STEMPNIAK: OK, so, first question goes “Dears Lee Stempniak! I comes to Canada a few years ago from Czech Republic. I likes it here, is good place. But mine English is no good. I am nervous of talking to girls in bar and club. How can I talk to girls as good guy without good English? Signed, JT in Toronto.” Well, JT, if you’re patient and friendly, I’m sure that any woman worth her salt will be willing to see past your lack of English skills. They might even be willing to help you with it.
FINGER: JT, You got nothing to worry about. Chicks LOVE foreign dudes. Trust me, they love the bad English. Even Grabovski is up to his neck in pussy. I think it’s the hair.
STEMPNIAK: You cannot hope to tame the Minsk Mullet. You can only hope to keep up.
WALLIN: Grabovski is only with so many girls because he goes to lesbian bars. He says “Rickard, these girls are so desperate for men they dance with each other!” I tell him, “No Grabbo, it doesn’t work like that.”
STEMPNIAK: Umm…ok. Let’s move onto the next question. Angela in Steinbach writes, “What do hockey players do for fun? You can’t work out and practice all the time.” Well, as you can see, I have this show—
WALLIN: That nobody watches!
STEMPNIAK: My mom says she watches.
FINGER: Yanno Stempy, I host my own show. I call it “Finger’s Freak show”
STEMPNIAK: Really? What’s it about?
FINGER: It’s a bit more of an …adult show. Smooth jazz, candles, Japanese rope tying—that kind of thing.
STEMPNIAK: I never would have thought that you were a very kinky guy, Jeff.
FINGER: The kind you don’t take home to mother.
STEMPNIAK: Wow, Jeff…I uh, never would have guessed. Rickard, what do you do off the ice?
WALLIN: As a part of my workout, I’m doing ninja training. Right now, I’m working on moving so people don’t see me.
FINGER: You seem to be doing a good job of it. Sometimes, I forget you’re playing in the game. It’s like you’re invisible or something.
STEMPNIAK: You’re actually really brave—becoming invisible is one of my biggest fears.
WALLIN: O…kay. Can I do a question?
STEMPNIAK: Sure, here—do this one.
WALLIN: OK. Shaneequa who is straight outta Anaheim asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, besides teammates, who are your best friends?” My best friend is my mom.
FINGER: Mine is my big pile of money.
STEMPNIAK: Mine is Buttons!
FINGER: Buttons? Like, buttons on clothes?
STEMPNIAK: NO. Buttons, my cat! (takes out BUTTONS, a toy cat, from behind his couch)
WALLIN: Was that…a real cat?
STEMPNIAK: You can feel and see him, can’t you? How much more real can he get?
FINGER: No, was that a real cat as in one that was running around and eating stuff?
STEMPNIAK: No, but he’s a great buddy, even when he’s such a scamp.
FINGER: Ok, now you’re creeping me out. And I’m into some freaky shit. I’m outta here. (Leaves)
WALLIN: I don’t think you’re so freaky, Lee. With Buttons, you get all the cuddling of a cat, but you don’t have to worry about claws, or feeding him, or changing a litter box.
STEMPNIAK: Plus, if I have people over who are allergic to cats, there’s no problem.
WALLIN: Yeah, he seems like such a good buddy...(moves closer to STEMPNIAK) You know Lee, I’ve always wanted a good buddy like him. (they exchange smoldering looks)
STEMPNIAK:…Okay…Now you’re kind of creeping me out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that kind of, uh, life style. It’s just that…well, I don’t…I mean…I’m not gay. I think. (sighs) Never mind.
WALLIN: …(Looks at STEMPNIAK)
STEMPNIAK:…(Looks at WALLIN)
WALLIN:…
STEMPNIAK: Awkwarrrrrrd.
WALLIN: Yeah, I uh, I think I have a food in the oven.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, no problem. Uh…Take care!
WALLIN: See you later! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) well Buttons, I guess it’s just you, me, and Mr. Wong's eggrolls again tonight.

Just a Story from A Player’s Perspective: Mike Van Ryn

I'd like to thank JaredOfLondon for being a most excellent writing partner. I'd like to think that this could be a pretty accurate look into a day in the life of Mike Van Ryn.

It can be hard to find close friends when you play hockey—there’s always the risk of getting traded, clashing egos and such. But when you’re a hockey player like me, it can be even harder. You always feel like such an outsider because you spend so much time in surgeries and hospitals, so you totally miss out on team bonding stuff. Sometimes, it feels like the only friends I could have would be doctors and trainers. It’s a shame because, I figure, I’m a friendly guy. I can make friends with people.


One time after practice, I went to Lee Stempniak. I told him, “Lee, there’s this new sushi place I was lookin’ at. Wanna try it out with me?” Lee turned around and sighed, “Mike, I don’t think that such a good idea.” I asked him, “Why? Did you try it out and it’s a bad place or something?” He shook his head. “No, Mike, it’s just that you’re bleeding from your ears again.” I touched the side of my head and yes, I was bleeding from my ears. “Damn, I hate when that happens”, I said. “It does that in the spring when it’s going to rain.” Lee looked confused and said, “But Mike, it’s not spring, it’s actually October.” I asked, “Really? Maybe it’s from the October windstorms. So, you still wanna try that place out, maybe some other time?” Lee shook his head again, “Nothing against you Mike, but I just don’t like fish all that much. To be honest, fish creep me out a bit. But if you want to come by my place for some beer and Hot Pockets, I would love that.” That was kind of weird, so I asked with a laugh, “Well, if you don’t want to, that’s ok, but fish are creepy? What’d they do Stempy, kill your entire family?” Lee’s eyes got wetter, and he left the room without saying anything.


Mikhail Grabovski was next to him, trying to stab some sort of fruit he had. I wondered how he got the cooler of fruit and rather large knife into the room. I asked him if he wanted to try the place, and all he said was, "Mmmm! In Belarus, fruit makes YOU salad!" I told Grabbo that didn’t make any sense and he answered, “You must hunt the fruit, sneeks up on them an BAM! Now, free you are to feast on tasty fruit goo!” He then stabbed a watermelon, letting the juice ooze all over his fingers and onto the floor. I took a few seconds to let that sink in. Maybe asking Grabbo about anything was a bad idea. I told him “Grabbo, you are a wonderful man, but I just can't keep up with your high paced life style, all these knives and exploding citrus is extra dangerous for someone like me.” Grabbo then picked up a pineapple from a cooler and stabbed at that, slicing off the skin with a cold detachment that sent shivers down my spine. Suddenly, I felt a stinging in my eye. I screamed, “AHHHHHH!! PINAPPLE JUICE IN MY EYE! IT STINGS! IT STINGS! ...Maybe some other time, Grabbo?” Grabbo shrugged and said, “Wait, have cup of juice before you go!” He threw a cup of apple juice at me, breaking my nose. I cried , “You just broke my nose, Grabbo!” He answered, “Sorry Mikey! I's not used to hitting things, I miss most times.” “That’s ok, Mikhail, I’ll just go” I gasped. He smiled and said, “Okie dokie, hmmm no more fruits, to the market I go. Later ,Mr. broken Mikey!”


I caught my breath and found one of the trainers, Fred, alone in one of the recovery rooms. I yelled, “Hey! Fred the trainer guy! I got something to ask you!” He sighed, exasperated, and said, “Mike, I can't reattach the buttons on your jacket. I can't fix everything that's broken on you.” I shook my head. “Well actually, the only thing I’m looking to fix is my crushing loneliness. Everyone I know either runs away from me or hurts me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Fred smiled and said, “It’s ok Mike, you know I’m always here for you, usually with 10lbs of gauze and some blood plasma. Why don’t you tell me about it?” Out of habit, I hopped onto the examination table. I said, “Sometimes, Fred, I feel like I'm just hurting myself. I fell twice getting the mail today. Grabovski nearly killed me with a paper cup earlier.” Fred carefully patted me on my shoulder. “You just need some support, and not just crutches this time. You need a good friend, someone who you can talk to”, he suggested. I smiled a little. “Thanks Fred. You wanna talk some more, like, over a dinner or something? I know this new place that just opened up.” Fred nodded and added, “That sounds really good Mike. You want to ride in the wheel chair? Just for fun this time.” I said,“That’s awesome! It’s like it was meant to be, you know just where it hurts!” He smirked. “You mean everywhere?” “Exactly! And you can make it better! Wanna go for some sushi?”


Fred the trainer and I rode off into the sunset. He whispered, “Well, you do need protein to help your bones knit!” I was puzzled. “But my bones are fine right now, Fred." He grinned. "Give it a day or two, Mike.” I giggled, “Oh you.”

Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.

Ask Lee Stempniak! Too Hot for TV

LEE STEMPNIAK:Hi folks, and welcome to another edition of Ask Lee Stempniak! Today my guests are fellow ice hockey players of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Luke Schenn and Matt Stajan. Welcome to the show, guys.
LUKE SCHENN:Thanks Lee, it's great to be here.
MATT STAJAN: It's great to help you lose 50 bucks, Lee.
SCHENN: 50 bucks? You said you were gonna give me 40...
STEMPNIAK: Haha, not now guys. After the show we can talk about money. Our first question comes to us from Kristen in Hamilton who asks "Dear Lee Stempniak, do you think Jiri Tlusty deserves a shot with the Leafs in the 2009-2010 season?"
STAJAN: (stifled giggle) Tlusty? Well, he certainly is a well-groomed player, if you know what I mean!
SCHENN: Yeah, he can handle his stick well, if you know what I mean!
STEMPNIAK: HA ha! He can really photograph his penis and post it on Facebook, if you know what I mean!
STAJAN:...
SCHENN:...
STEMPNIAK: I'm not doing this right, am I?
STAJAN: Not really.
SCHENN: I'd call that a minor to medium fail.
STEMPNIAK: Well Kristen, I'd say Tlusty has good scoring potential, but he needs some polishing up with the minors. He's still a bit rough around the edges and needs better finesse and a softer touch, which can only come with experience. He's still quick to shoot and panic, and he needs to learn to pace his movements and enjoy himself better. Thoughts, fellas?
STAJAN: That...is what she said!
SCHENN: Man, I don't care if he wins 12 Stanley Cups and scores a billion goals. Those naked wang pics will follow him forever.
STAJAN: Poor guy. I'd almost feel sorry for him if it wasn't so damn funny. Almost.
STEMPNIAK: So...our second question comes to us from Eric in Portland, who asks, "If Matt Stajan's eyes make you want to fuck him, and Luke Schenn's eyes impregnate you and melt your underwear, what happens if they look at each other or into a mirror?"
STAJAN: That is a good question. We could test that out right now, if you want.
SCHENN: I don't know, Matt...
STEMPNIAK: Don't worry, Luke. It's not like anyone can get pregnant here. We're among men. It's all safe, don't worry. But if you do, could you try to smell Matt's hair a bit? (SCHENN and STAJAN look deep into each other's eyes. There is a small explosion and a lot of smoke)
STAJAN: What happened?
SCHENN: I dunno, but I feel really good right now.
STEMPNIAK: Did we all just get laid?
STAJAN: I dunno, but I really need something to drink and a sandwich.
SCHENN:I don't think I can even move after that...but in a good way.
STEMPNIAK: Should we check for undergarments? (they check) Yep, mine are gone.
STAJAN: Same here.
SCHENN: Damn, that was a good pair, too.
STEMPNIAK: Does anyone else here feel like they need a smoke?
STAJAN:I haven't smoked so much as a puff in my life, but that sounds like a good idea.
SCHENN: Guys, I have to ask...does this mean that, technically, we're gay?
STEMPNIAK: I think this might be kinda like if we jacked off in front of each other. There are gay undertones, but we could still give blood in Quebec.
SCHENN: Well, not that there's anything wrong with that--
STEMPNIAK: I have a mirror here. We could see what happens with that.
SCHENN: I dunno if I want to even try it. I don't think I have it in me. What do you think, Matty?
STAJAN: (snoring)
STEMPNIAK:MATT!
STAJAN: Wha? Huh? I'm up.
STEMPNIAK: How could you fall asleep? Don't you care about anyone else's feelings?
STAJAN: I didn't think I was asleep... But jeez, maybe I should go home and have a long nap. See you guys! (leaves)
SCHENN: Yeah, it's getting kinda late, Lee. I should go--
STEMPNIAK:It's 3:30 in the afternoon, Luke.
SCHENN: Well, I'm still on Saskatchewan time, I guess. I should get some lunch. (Leaves)
STEMPNIAK: (sighs, looks sadly at toy cat) Why don't they ever stay, Buttons?

Ask Lee Stempniak!

Got a question? You can ask Lee Stempniak! Email your question to loserdomi@gmail.com with the subject “Ask Lee Stempniak”

(Lee Stempniak, stolen from NHL.com)

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hi folks, and welcome to “Ask Lee Stempniak.” Today I have with me two very special friendsand fellow Maple Leafs players, John Mitchell and Jamal Mayers.

JOHN MITCHELL: Where are your Hot Pockets and beer, ya cheap bastard?

JAMAL MAYERS: We were told that if we hung out with you, we’d each get 20 dollars and all the beer and HotPockets we wanted.

STEMPNIAK: (sighs) Hot Pockets are in the freezer, beer is in the fridge. Now, onto our first question (MITCHELL leaves)

MITCHELL: (from kitchen) Jamal, what kind of Hot Pockets do you want?

MAYERS: What kind does he have?

MITCHELL: He’s got all kinds.

MAYERS: Uh...just surprise me. And get me a beer while you’re there.

MITCHELL: OK! STEMPNIAK: Anyway, our first question comes to us from Heather in Spokane, Washington. She asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, at what age did your superpower of invisibility emerge?” Well, Heather, the summer I was 12, there was some movie I really wanted to see, but my mom said was too violent. I was so mad, I ran away from home. I hitchhiked 20 miles away from home, and come suppertime, I missed my mom and the movie wasn’t so important. I got home and my mom said “Oh, you were outside?” And I said “Well, yeah, I was 20 miles away.” She said “Oh, I didn’t even notice.” I don’t know where it came from, but it just happens. (MITCHELL returns with two Hot Pockets and two beers)

MITCHELL: Here ya go, Jamal.

MAYERS: Thanks!

STEMPNIAK: Heh, what, none for me? Heh, heh.

MITCHELL: What? I only got two hands. And it’s your house, anyway.

MAYERS: Oh wow! This is some sort of white sauce and chicken thingy!

STEMPNIAK: Oh, is that a problem?

MAYERS: No, it’s really good. It’s just that I was expecting pepperoni or something like that. This is the classiest Hot Pocket I’ve ever eaten.

MITCHELL: These are like the Rolls Royce of Hot Pockets!

MAYERS: I should be wearing a tie and holding out my pinkie finger to eat this.

STEMPNIAK: So, onto our next question. Mike in New York asks “Dear Lee Stempniak, do you believe in life after love?” Well Mike, I do, but only with heavy use of Auto-Tune and vocorders.

MAYERS: Hey, I got a question for you: why is it the black guy always dies first in horror movies?

STEMPNIAK: Oh, that is a good one.

MITCHELL: Maybe it’s symbolic of the way that the old Hollywood guard pays minimal lip service to the ideas ofdiversity and multiculturalism while at the same time maintaining the status quo of the while male hegemony.

MAYERS: Wow, really?

MITCHELL: (snorts) Fuck, I don’t fuckin’ know.

STEMPNIAK: But that’s not always true. It’s not always the black guy who dies first. What about alien movies,where there’s some invasion? There’s a crash late at night and some lone security guard investigates it.

MAYERS: SO?

STEMPNIAK: So, he gets eaten before the first credits. And have you ever seen them use a black security guard?

MAYERS: Well, no. I guess you’re right.

STEMPNIAK: And it looks like that’s all the time we have for this edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak.” Thanks for watching!

MAYERS: Can we go now?

MITCHELL: Do you have our 20 dollars?

STEMPNIAK: Yes to both of those questions. (STEMPNIAK pays MITCHELL and MAYERS who each take another box of Hot Pockets from the freezer as they leave.)

STEMPNIAK: (sighs, starts petting toy cat) Well Buttons, it looks like it’s just you and me once again.

Slashfic Summer: Requiem for a Heartache

This is kind of, sorta a parody of Dream Me for a Tragedy. If you can’t access LiveJournal, it’s a slashfic starring Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal where Staal has HIV (thanks, Wrap!) It was so over the top and melodramatic, I feltI had to do a tribute of my own.

Lee Stempniak was hungry for something mere food couldn’t provide. He and Mike Van Ryn had be only friends when they first met, but coming to Toronto had made them both realize that they had something deeper and more meaningful between them. Lee kissed Mike deeply, his hot tongue probing and pulsating with urgent need.Mike knew what they both wanted and needed, but he also knew something Lee didn’t know, Mike pushed Leeaway. “Lee, no. We can’t...” he added. “What do you mean ‘we can’t’?” asked Lee, flames of desire still burning in his eyes. “Lee”, Mike stammered, “We...”. He sighed. “I have HIV.”

The color drained from Lee’s face. “Oh.” he said. All he could say was ‘Oh.” The pair looked at each other for whatseemed like forever until they both started to cry. With the tears came Mike’s story--a drug addicted nurse injected herself and then her patients, and Mike had the awful luck of being under her care after one of his many injuries. Leestopped sobbing long enough to choke out “But...how did you get to the NHL, where guys are always getting cut andthere’s blood all over, without anyone knowing you have HIV? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Look, this is hard and I think I need some space to think things out. I should leave.”

Mike looked puzzled. “But Lee...isn’t this your house?” he asked

Lee sniffed and answered, “Oh, yeah. Right. Listen, not to be a total dick, but uh...”
Mike stopped him. “Yeah, I’ll get going. So...see you at practice tomorrow?” Lee nodded as Mike left.

The next day at practice, Lee felt like lead. He wondered if anyone else knew about Mike’s HIV. Surely the trainersmust know, since they would be the ones dealing with an injury. Lee’s contemplation was broken by the entrance of Matt Stajan and John Mitchell, joking around as usual.

“...so I’m like, ‘That’s what your mom said!’” laughed Matt.

“Oh man, that’s good”, giggled John “You gotta see this crazy guy I saw last night--I have his picture on my phone.”John turned on his phone and suddenly he yelled, “What the fuck? My phone fuckin’ died on me!”

“Heh, maybe it has teh AIDS”, chuckled Matt.

“Yeah, it’s got phone AIDS” sniggered John.

"You guys shouldn’t joke about that,” Lee interjected. “People die from AIDS every day and it’s not a fun death.”

“People die of cancer all the time--way more than AIDS--and that doesn’t stop Jason Blake from making cancer jokes”, returned John.

Jason turned around at the mention of his name. “That’s different”, he said. “If you make cancer jokes, you’re still an insensitive jerk. If I make cancer jokes, it’s OK because I’ve earned it.. If you survive cancer, you get to make all thecancer jokes you want. You even get a little card and everything.”

Practice went normally, with Lee dutifully fulfilling the role of teammate and player. After the skate, which CoachWilson was going over some plays, Lee realized he couldn’t keep silent anymore. “OK, so Van Ryn, you go--” Lee stood up and cut off his coach.

“And Van Ryn is a jackass!” cried Lee. “Seriously Mike, you thought you could go on forever and not tell anyone you’re sick? What the FUCK, MIKE?!”

Mike tried to defend himself : “Look, my counts are good, “I’m as healthy as I can be--”

Lee cut him off: “How could you be so STUPID, MIKE?” He continued quietly. “How could you be so selfish? All those long, late night talks about honesty and trust and you couldn’t mention ‘Oh, by the way, I have AIDS’?

“I do NOT have AIDS. I have HIV, you asshole!” yelled Mike.

“See, this is why I don’t date teammates” Matt whispered to John.
“You’re gay?” asked John.
“I’m bisexual, asshat”, snorted Matt.

Lee left the room, not caring he was still in full gear, with tears and sobs pouring out of him.

Nothing could have prepared Mike for the visit he had from Matt Stajan the next day. “Mike, “ said Matt, “I dunno how to say this, but...Lee Stempniak died last night. He accidentally fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck.But at least the docs don’t think he suffered at all. The way he landed, he was probably dead before you could say‘Deus ex machina.’”

Mike was stunned. He and Lee were supposed to separate after HIV decaying into AIDS becoming the death sentence, not through some quick and stupid accident.

“I never said I was sorry.” Mike sighed.