JFJ Suicide Watch part 5

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

JFJ post-firing suicide watch part 4

(JFJ is walking down a street and he happens upon a group of emo kids, well, being emo)

JFJ: So, uh…what are you kids doing?

EMO KID 1:We’re resisting the fakeness of our parents and of society

EMO KID 2: And I’m playing an acoustic version of Guns N’ Roses to be ironic

JFJ : Um, ok. So, I have a personal question: what’s with the cutting stuff?

EMO KID 1: That’s so we can relieve our emotional numbness

EMO KID 2: I know that if I cut myself enough eventually I can feel alive and I can punish myself for all the mistakes I’ve made

JFJ : Aw screw it (Takes out a small penknife and slits wrists)

EMO KID 1: Now how do you feel?

JFJ: GAH! I’m BLEEDING! My life isn’t any better— I’m still unemployed, people still hate me, and now I’m bleeding all over my shirt! Goddamn it! Screw you guys, I’m going home!

JFJ post-Firing Suicide Watch part 3

(JFJ is in his office once again, sitting at the desk and writing a note.)

JFJ (writing): It seems as if I no longer have a reason to continue soldering on in this life. I no longer have a job, and my chances getting another seem slim at best. I’m a hated man in this town. Sometimes I think that everyone hates me. Little old ladies hit me in the shins with their canes when I pass them on the streets. Nuns and Cub Scouts give me dirty looks wherever I go. I was buying coffee the other day and I swear I saw a baby flip me the bird. (SECURITY GUARD enters)
GUARD: Mr. Ferguson sir, I have to ask you to leave the premises
JFJ: I’ll be done in a second (Takes out a gun from a desk drawer and put the barrel into his mouth)
GUARD: (raises nightstick or whatever security guards have) DROP THE WEAPON!
JFJ: Why the hell did I get a liquorice gun? I HATE liquorice!

JFJ Post-firing suicide watch, day 3

(SCENE: JFJ is once again in his office.)

JFJ: Aw, screw it all. I'm through. Finished, I tells ya! FINISHED! What I need is pills and booze, yeah, pills and booze!
(Takes out what appears to be a bottle of Jack Daniels and a baggie of small pill-like, um, things. He swallows most of the contents of the baggie and starts chugging the contents of the bottle. AIDE enters.)

AIDE:Sir, what are you doing?
JFJ:I'm ending it, Skipper, or whatever your name is. This time, it's pills and booze--nice and painless way to go.
AIDE:But sir...this bag is full of Tic-Tacs. And your bottle of Jack (sniffs bottle) seems to be filled with iced tea.
JFJ:You mean I'm not over dosing on pills and booze?
AIDE: No, sir
JFJ:And you can't commit suicide with Tic-Tacs and iced tea?
AIDE:I'm afraid not, sir
JFJ:Really? Shit!