Halloween Beer Run or Horror, CONCLUSION

Part one

Part two

(MEANWHILE at PHANEUF's place, KABERLE is having a very rocking party featuring many of the other Leafs and members of the Marlies.)

LUKE SCHENN: (dressed as Garth Brooks) Gee, Jonas, your costume's really cool looking, but I don't quite get it.

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: (dressed as a set of wind chimes.) Thank you. I got idea after Giguere saw pictures of my girlfriend. He said something like, “You two are so skinny, when you get it on, it must look like a set of wind chimes.”

SCHENN: Kabbie, where did you get all of this beer and other stuff? This is fantastic!

KABERLE: I know! I just found it under that cabinet over there. It looks like someone went to Costco a few days ago. Which is weird, because Phaneuf and some of the other guys went on a beer run.

(PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, KESSEL, and BOZAK enter)

PHANEUF: Kabbie, whats going on?

CUTHBERT: Where did all of the guys come from?

KABERLE: They just showed up! And oh, it turns out, you had enough beer all along. You must have forgotten.

KESSEL: Really? That's awesome!

UNSEEN LEAF: FLIP CUP, MOTHER FUCKERS!

BOZAK: YEAH! (leaves to join flip cup game)

CUTHBERT: That's right, honey. We did that Costco trip a few days ago.

KESSEL: Costco makes beer now?

BOZAK: I AM THE FLIP CUP MASTER BITCHES!

KESSEL: WHOO BOY! FLIP CUP (Leaves to join game of flip cup)

PHANEUF: Huh...so I guess it all worked out in the end.

(Suddenly, SEAN AVERY, dressed as Lady Gaga, enters the room. The great times and loud music suddenly stop as an uneasy silence blankets the room)

SEAN AVERY: 'Sup sluts?

PHANEUF: Avery, what the hell are you doing here?

AVERY:It's off-ice time, muffhump. I'm looking for some sweet relaxation. And by “sweet relaxation”, I really mean stealing your ladies and grinding every piece of pussy until my dick falls off.”

PHANEUF: Hey, that's my line! I am the one dressed as the My New Haircut guy!

CUTHBERT: Sean, I think it's better if you leave right now.

AVERY: Nah, it's cool. Where's that Mike Cumsock or Jizzrag or whatever the fuck dumbass Polack name he has? I wanted to tell him how much that dumb, ugly twatwaffle can't fight or skate worth a shit.

CUTHBERT: Sean, listen to me. You really need to cut this shit out. I know you like the attention, but that's because you're a whore for it. And you're not even a good whore. In terms of whoredom, you're like the whore who gives out handjobs for fifty cents in back of a Denny's. That's why I left your ass in the first place. Maybe you need help from an actual professional. But all I know is I'm not the kind of professional you need. Neither is the NHL disciplinary board.

AVERY: Hush girl, you know you still want this.

CUTHBERT: Ew, no. I just got that cleared up.

PHANEUF: I'm gonna, I will smash your face into a jelly!

AVERY: (sarcastically) Oooh! I'm , like, totally scared of the Maple Leafs! What are you gonna do, dry up and blow away?

(PHANEUF walks to AVERY and punches AVERY repeatedly in the face. AVERY is knocked unconscious.)

PHANEUF: Well, now that Cunty McHookerface is out cold, what do you say we break out the sharpies and saran wrap him to the balcony? It's what you do to the first person out, right?

KABERLE: But Brett Lebda has been passed out on the couch for 20 minutes.

PHANEUF: Pfft. Lebda don't count for shit.

Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2

Part one is here.  

(SCENE: DION PHANUEF, PHIL KESSEL, TYLER BOZAK and ELISHA CUTHBERT are all roaming Toronto on the way to the Beer Store.)

PHIL KESSEL: Wow! Look at all these ladies out here! They look so HOT!

TYLER BOZAK: They look kinda cold to me. Most of them don't seem to be wearing much for clothes.

ELISHA CUTHBERT: Maybe you two could go help them warm up...

DION PHANUEF: But Elisha, what would we be doing if Phil and Tyler left?

CUTHBERT: I think I have a few ideas about what we could do...(winks suggestively)

PHANEUF: But we can't do that. I need more than just you and me to carry all of this beer. (MIKE KOMISAREK, dressed as Lady Gaga, exit a bar near where KESSEL, BOZAK, PHANEUF and CUTHBERT are walking.)

MIKE KOMISAREK: Oh! Hey guys!

PHANEUF: ...Mike?

CUTHBERT: Wow! Great costume!

BOZAK: Where did you get that costume? And where did you find shoes to fit your big ol' feet?

KOMISAREK: Well, It was kinda hard to find a decent Gaga costume that would fit, so I had to do a little Project Runway magic.

BOZAK: You watch Project Runway? (laughs)

KOMISAREK: (surly)Yeah, I watch Project Runway. You wanna make something of it?

BOZAK: (scared) No, sir.

KOMISAREK: Kess, you haven't said anything.

KESSEL: It's because I'm terrified. Normal Gaga is scary enough, but she's only, like, 14 inches tall, you know, so it's OK. A six-four Lady Gaga is pants-shittingly terrifying.

KOMISAREK: If it's so scary, then explain why I just won five hundred dollars at that bar I was just in for Halloween Hottie 2010?

KESSEL: You won five hundred dollars for dressing like a girl?

PHANEUF: Girl? Depends what you read on the Internet.

KOMISAREK: I wasn't even going to enter the contest. I just went in there to ask for directions and I ended up winning.

KESSEL: But five hundred dollars? Man, I might need to start up a new hobby...

CUTHBERT: Phil, you make millions of dollars playing hockey.

KESSEL: Oh yeah...

BOZAK: I have to be honest Mike—if I didn't know that was you, I'd be trying to take you home right now.

PHANEUF: So Mike, you wanna join us? We're going to grab beer and then I'm having that party at my place.

KOMISAREK: Oh...is that tonight? I must have totally forgotten. See, I'm already scheduled at the...uh...orphan puppy institute. Yeah, we're having this masquerade ball to promote awareness and stuff. Sorry.

PHANEUF: It's ok. You just say hi to those orphan puppies for the Leafs, ok? You make sure the Leafs are well represented. 'cuz we're all classy 'n shit.

KOMISAREK: Will do, Dion. See you guys, have a good night! (KOMISAREK leaves, KESSEL, PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, and BOZAK continue on their way.)

CUTHBERT:...Hey wait a minute...

PHANEUF: What? Is it about Mike?

CUTHBERT: No, no...it's just that girl over there....bitch stole my costume!

BOZAK: You're a sexy nurse. That's, like, the most generic sexy lady costume out there.

CUTHBERT: I'm gonna go kick her ass. (CUTHBERT leaves)

PHANEUF: Woo! You show her what for, honey!

CUTHBERT: I love you babe!

KESSEL: Awesome, we get to see two chicks fight!

BOZAK: Have you ever seen two chicks fight, like, for real? Not in the “Oh, you ripped of my shirt, now let's make out: fights you seen in porn, but like an actual, knock-down, drag-out match? It's scary ass shit. (They run into TIM BRENT, dressed as Robin Hood, MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI, dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts, and NIKOLAI KULEMIN, who is carrying a hacksaw and has one lower leg covered in fake blood.)

TIM BRENT: Phil!

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Bozie!

BRENT: Dion!

GRABOVSKI: And Dion's lady!

NIKOLI KULEMIN: (stares blankly ahead for several moments, then mumbles something in Russian.)

PHANEUF: Hey guys! How is your night?

BRENT: It's been amazing! Grabbo, do what I told you to do for the costume.

GRABOVSKI: As you vish.

BRENT: Dude, he just does that and he's like, drowning in ladies. It's amazing!

KESSEL: Kulie, I didn't take you for the bar crawling with these guys type. Don't you, like, have a wife and baby or something?

KULEMIN: Inconleebabble!

BRENT: Oh, hamburgers.

GRABOVSKI: Is not right word! You's being confused.

BOZAK: Wait a second,,,are all you guys various roles of Cary Elwes?

KESSEL: Holy crap, they are!

BRENT: And unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a British accent. (CUTHBERT returns, roughed up, carrying an eyepatch and a large, fake needle.)

CUTHBERT: Hey guys!

KESSEL: Elisha...are you ok?

CUTHBERT: Pfft, just some scrapes and bruises, that;'s all. Plus, I scored this eye patch and a fake needle that's filled with vodka!

PHANEUF: That's my girl! (they high five and engage in sloppy making out)

BOZAK: Hey guys, there's the Beer Store right there!

KESSEL: Awesome! I knew it was around here somewhere.

PHANEUF: Son of a bitch!

CUTHBERT: What the hell? Is it closed?

BRENT: Oh man, that sucks! Where are we gonna get beer now?

PHANEUF: Well, I know in Quebec you can buy beer at the gas station.

BOZAK: That would be great, except Quebec is several hours away.

GRABOVSKI: Plus, we has to go through Ottawa for gettings Quebec, which is sucks.

KULEMIN: Fuck that Ottawa noise.

CUTHBERT: Well, Michigan's a little closer to us than Quebec is.

KESSEL: Except Michigan sucks ass.

PHANEUF: Look, I think we can figure out something for the party tonight. Let's just head back and explain what happened. I'm sure the guys will understand and we'll probably be able to have a great time without drinking.

KESSEL: I doubt it.

Stay tuned for part 3! 

An Open letter to All Leafs Fans From Mikhail Grabovski

Hellos Fannings of Leafs,

Is Mikhail Grabovski. I am knowing of crazy stuff on internet about fight I had in Vancouver. Is crazy shit talk, and I am here for settings it right.

First, in Belarus, we have been taught to never make fist with women. I am still shock at North America, where I see not only is fisting with women ok, but people charge money to watch it in Internet! In Belarus, you make fist with womans, she hits you back twice as hard! What a country!

This legal suit is especially crazy because Vancouver was nutso while Olympics. Every night, drunk peoples in streets and places, cheering, yelling, singing songs real loud. Was crazy! Was crazy night when fight break out, like 10 or 12 people all kung fu fighting. Is a little bit frightening.

But anyway, I no start fight with any stupid Habs fan. Even if they are, as we say in Belarus, a bag of douche. I could no start fight with a BROKEN WRIST. I silly talk that I start fight because not only was wrist broken, but I discover great drink called Piña Colada! Luke Schenn tell me of Garth Brooks, who is country man who sings about Piña Coladas. He is much strong fine man to sing of these:

But seriously, these piña colada thingys are like dessert you drink. Is much tasties.

As Leafs player this year, I promise you much Habs fist-beating, much puck-scoring, and many more fun pictures. For Halloween, I may don eyepatch because I look like guy in “Escape from New York” and “Escape from LA.” I no see it, but Dion Phaneuf tells me it win like 12 Oscars of explosions.


Oh well, it is time for rest and training for Mikhail. Go Leafs go!
Mikhail.

Wrap and LD Cover (alleged) Lohan/Avery spat!

Those of you who pay attention to this sort of thing may already know about the club spat that allegedly involved Sean Avery and Lindsay Lohan (among others.) Heather of Wrap Around Curl and I got to talking and we pieced together what the event may have looked like to observers. Plus, I get an excuse to use this gif:

(SCENE: AARON VOROS enters club with JESSICA STAM. SEAN AVERY is already seated at a table.)

SEAN AVERY: Who the hell are you two? And he can’t sit here, he’s not nearly stylish enough. But you, the blonde? You can totally sit right on me—I mean, uh, next to me.

AARON VOROS: Dude, I play on the same team as you do. We’re both part of the New York Rangers.


JESSICA STAM: And I’m his girlfriend, Jessica Stam, eh? I’m a model from Canada and I got discovered in a Tim Horton’s, eh?

SEAN AVERY: Why are you talking like that?

STAM: I am from Canada, eh?

AVERY: We don’t talk like that, seriously.

VOROS: I think it’s cute.


AVERY: I’m from Canada and I don’t talk like that.

(LINDSAY LOHAN enters)


LINDSAY LOHAN: ‘Sup sluts? I just got done with a alcohol class so let’s celebraaaaaate bitcheesssssss! (LOHAN steals bottle of wine form a neighboring table.)

AVERY: Should you really be drinking that? Aren’t you in rehab for alcoholism or something?

LOHAN: Whatever, man. I know so much about alcohol, I coulda taught that dumb class. Like, how if you have cheap vodka and you put it in a Brita filter, it gets better! Then, you put it in a Evian bottle and bazinga!—PARTY WATER!. I even started brewing my own since I couldn’t buy anything with enough burn to it.


VOROS: That…sounds like it’s totally counterintuitive to any rehab.

LOHAN: Who the Hell are you, scab?

VOROS: I’m Aaron Voros of the New York Rangers.

LOHAN: Are you an ex-boyfriend of mine?

VOROS: Maaaayyybe…

AVERY:I dunno—how much bleach do you have left?

LOHAN: Ah, screw you douche juice, I was in the Parent Trap! I was the cute one!

STAM: I dunno, wasn’t there a dog in the Parent Trap?

AVERY: And Dennis Quaid?

LOHAN: Whatever. Who’s this tramp over here?

STAM: I was aboot to be a dentist, ya you know, I was just in a Timmy Ho's getting my double double and timbits on my way back from Canada’s Wonderland. Now I model, and I travel the world, eh? I’m gonna be a pilot!

LOHAN: I do car commercials…in Japan!

STAM: I wouldn’t trust ya to dive a Tonka truck, eh?

AVERY: Oh sheeeeet, you gonna need some aloe for that burn?

VOROS: Being in a DUI PSA doesn’t count as a car commercial.


STAM: Lindsay, don’t you think you have a problem?


LOHAN: Yeah, I got a problem. I got a problem with some donut chomping skankass telling me what to do!

VOROS: Dude, chicks fights are so awesome.

AVERY: Girls, girls...ladies. Don’t fight. Not here, anyway—I don’t have my kiddie pool of jello set up

LOHAN: HEY RANGER GUY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

VOROS: uh....I knew what you were at one point.

AVERY: What happened Lilo--can I call you Lilo? You can tell me everything, Lindsay, back at my place after I put on my Teflon condom.

LOHAN: Well, I could use a friend, you know, someone to hang out with and hold my hair back when I puke and start fights with when my next movie comes out.

VOROS: Go on…

STAM: Don’t even talk to her, eh? I think I’m aboot to catch the herp from being in the same room as her.

LOHAN: This dj SUCKS! I wanna sit by them give tips. I used to date a DJ ya know! And she didn’t suck like this loser!

AVERY: Wait, are you back with the cocks or are you still in the henhouse? ‘Cuz, like, I can swing both ways, if that’s what you're into. I'm not scared of a little makeup and pretending.

STAM: What does that mean?

LOHAN: It’s called bisexual, asshat!

VOROS: Bisexual? Isn't that where you wanna kill your dad and screw your mom? Or is that the one with the mascots?

AVERY: SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE!

LOHAN: Wait…if she’s Canadian…how come she’s white?

VOROS: You can’t just ask people why they’re white. Can you?

LOHAN: I know who killed me!

STAM: Yeah, it was you. Good luck on Hollywood squares (At this point, a drink is thrown and LOHAN gets tossed out of the club.)


AVERY: Dude...did I just get out douched? and by a damn chick? I really need to step up my game.


VOROS: Nah, you’re fine.

AVERY: Who are you and why are you still talking?

Friday Youtube Yoinkage: April 16, 2010

No distinct theme this week since I left it to the last minute


In clip one, AHL superstar Johnny fuckin' Mitchell shows us around his crib. Why do they always show their refrigerators on these types of shows? Anyway, he has a cute dog and a fiance who shops at Ikea:



clip two is supposedly "inside the Leafs dressing room", but it's so blurry and has such bad audio, I can't really tell what's going on.


Clip three says "Leafs crib", but it appears to have nothing to do with the Leafs and is jsut a bunch of drunk morons yelling and doing crap with a motorcycle. But I think "KAWASAWKI ALL THE WAY" needs to be a meme, and cosmic beer pong sounds like fun.

Friday YouTube Yoinkage: FRIDAY April 9, 2010

Geez, did I really spell "Friday" wrong TWO WEEKS in a row? I'm such a Whopper jr., and I will surely never be a "real" journalist. I'll live.


This week's theme is beer because for me, beer and hockey are truly two great tastes that taste great together. Sure, beer and hockey on their own are each good things. But combined they work for great justice.


Clip one: They say beer will make me dumb, it are go good with pizza. Thanks, Psychostick:


Clip two Tom T. Hall sums it up best--I Like Beer


Clip three: Hockey: the drinking game. You're welcome

The Birthday Party

If you just imagine that I regularly hang out with some of the Leafs and we’re drinking buddies, this all works. Trust me. 

(SCENE: TOMAS KABERLE, LUKE SCHENN, PHIL KESSEL and DION PHANEUF are waiting outside of a club for LOSER DOMI)
TOMAS KABERLE: I thought LD already had a birthday.
LUKE SCHENN: Nah, that was the blogthday. This is her actual birthday.
PHIL KESSEL: Guys, dontcha think it’s kinda weird that a buncha NHL guys like us would go out with a nobody fan like her?
SCHENN: Now that you mention it…it sounds like some crappy fanfic on the Internet.
DION PHANEUF: Yeah, you’d know all about bad fanfic on the Internet, wouldn’t you, Luke?
SCHENN: Go screw yourself, caveman. (LOSER DOMI arrives)
LOSER DOMI: Hey guys!
LEAFS: HI! Happy Birthday! (etc)
ANGRY MAN IN STREET: Hey Kaberle! WAIVE YOUR FUCKING CLAUSE YOU NO-GOOD SHIT-EATING PIG-FUCKER!
KABERLE: Who the hell was that?
SCHENN: I dunno, some angry Harry Potter look-a-like, I guess.
LD: Actually, that sounds like…nevermind.
KESSEL: Hey, you wanna see a Raptors game? Me and Dion went and we had a wicked good time.
PHANEUF: Yeah we did! Tunes were turned up, yo.
LD: Thanks, but…I’m not that big of a basketball fan.
KESSEL: That’s alright. Hackey’s the top game in this town.
SCHENN: Guys, why are we standing around outside? It’s cold and wet out here. 
PHANEUF: I got it. Stupid door, open! (punches door)
KESSEL: Dude…use doorknobs next time.  (The gang goes into the club and many drinks are had over a period of an hour or so)
KESSEL: (intensely to LD)…so then I run my hands down the shaft and maybe do a little more candy cane action on my stick there…
KABERLE: Phil, you’ve been talking about your stick for 20 minutes.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
KABERLE: I wasn’t…you know what? Forget it, I’m getting out of here. It’s a bit too late for me.
ANGRY GUY FROM EARLIER: TALK ABOUT TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE YA WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT!
SCHENN: Who is that guy?
PHANEUF: And why was he wearing blue pajama pants at 9:30 at night?
KESSEL: You’re turning in already, Kabs?
KABERLE: I’m just…tired all the time. It feels like I’m just going through the motions sometimes. Oh well. (KABERLE leaves)
LD: What’s wrong with him? Tomas always looks so sad and worn out.
PHANEUF: Who the hell knows what’s going on in his head?
WAITRESS: Hey guys, would you like some shots?
SCHENN: What kind of shots are they?
PHANEUF: OH BOY GUYS! Are these the ones with the butterscotch and the whipped cream? Those are AWESOME!
KESSEL: No real man should ever have a drink involving whipped cream.
SCHENN: I’m game to try it.
LD: Sure!
(all 4 have a shot)
KESSEL: Huh…that was pretty good! Are these what people mean when they order blowjobs?
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, more blowjobs!
WAITRESS: Uh…I gave you four buttery nipples.
LD: Whatever! Buttery nipples, blowjobs, buttery blowjobs, it’s all good here!
(several hours later,  PHANEUF, KESSEL, SCHENN, and LD have had many, many shots and it shows. )
KESSEL: WOWIE! Those things are pretty good!
SCHENN: I have four fingers. And this table won’t stop moving on me! Jerk!
PHANEUF: I told ya they were!
LD: Whoa, guys, that’s been an awful lot of buttery nipples. Are we gonna be ok to go home?
KESSEL: Yer always ok to go home with us, LD! (goes to put arm around LD, but slips and falls down.) Owie.
PHANEUF: I jus’ wanna say, I just wanna say…LD, it takes a lot, and I mean a LOT of guts to do what you do. I mean, making fun of huge NHL dudes who could totally snap your twiggy ass in two without breaking a sweat? You gotta have balls to do that….er, sorry, Phil.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
SCHENN: Hey Phil, we literally drank you under the table! All literal-like! (laughs)
KESSEL: Shut up! I hate you guys.
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, can we get some more buttery nipples over here?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry…but you guys drank all of the schnapps we had. We can’t make anymore.
SCHENN: Ahhh…it’s ok.
WAITRESS: But, uh, are you guys all set for the night, then? Can we settle the tab?
KESSEL: DO you know who we are?
PHANEUF: We’re kind of a big deal!
WAITRESS: I know who she is, but I don’t know you three guys.
SCHENN: Wait, how do you be a waitress in Toronto and you know her but not 3 members of the Leafs?
LD: I’ll have you know that I am a minor Internet celebrity…actually, wait, I’m lame, never mind. Actually, you know, let's just forget it, pay up, and get out of here. (the four pay up and leave teh bar and are greeted by BEARDED MAN selling roses on a street corner.) 
BEARDED MAN: Roses? Anyone?
LD: No thanks. I'm ok.
KESSEL: Wait a minute...you look familiar...
SCHENN: Are you Rickard Wallin?
BEARDED MAN: Uh...yes. I am Rickard Wallin.
PHANEUF: Then fuck you, Wallin, right in your lazy eye. (WALLIN looks down and starts to cry a bit as LD, PHANEUF, KESSEL and SCHENN continue on their way. THE END)

Friday Youtube Yoinkage JANUARY 1, 2010

Wooo first post of the new year! I'm already off to a better start for 2010 than 2009, which I take as a good sign. I, along with my small army of figures and Boots (the real life Buttons), would like to say Happy New Year!

Today's FYY theme is great party music.

Clip one is "Shots" by LMFAO. I know, it's not that great a song, but you can't deny that the lyrical genius of LMFAO combined with the classically trained vocals of Lil Jon makes for a great guilty pleasure tune:

Clip two: Jeremy Roenick + Run DMC. That's all you need to know


Clip three: "The Real Jordan Staal" I know I've featured this video before, butdrunk pictures always make me giggle.

Blogiversary 2: This Time it's not Blogiversary 1!

(SCENE: LOSER DOMI enters a darkened room. As soon as she enters, ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS turn on the lights)
ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS: SURPRISE! Happy Blogthday!
LOSER DOMI: What the? Wait…I can’t believe you guys are having a party for the blog! Holy shit, this is so cool!
JASON BLAKE: Well, it’s been two years of blogging, which is like five years doing something in real time.
LD: But I would have thought that the Leafs would hate the blog. I mean, I make fun of you guys horribly. I’m not all that flattering to you.
JOHN MITCHELL: Not everyone likes it, but all the cool guys like us here love it, D. Like, Whitey couldn’t be here, ‘cuz he and Stajan are helping Schenner take care of his 400 babies, but he told me to tell you he thinks your writing is some of the funniest shit online.
BLAKE: Grabovski HATES it on account of how you make him talk so funny. He was all set to “kick dis Loser Domi’s ass” until I told him you were a girl and showed him your picture. He couldn’t believe they let girls on the internet to write about hockey. Now he just glares at the screen and grinds his teeth.
MITCHELL: Stajan is really confused by it, cuz he likes how he’s “Stupid Sexy Stajan”, but he doesn’t like how you make him cry so much, or how he got tasered.
LD: I guess that tasering was a bit much…
TOMAS KABERLE: I am not a Mexican! But I do like tacos… Happy Blogthday anyway!
LD: No, you’re a Czechican, there’s a difference. But thank you so much for the sombrero and the greatest hits of Queen!
KABERLE: All three volumes! (LEE STEMPNIAK enters)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Sorry I’m late, everybody. Happy Blogday, LD!
LD: Lee Stempniak? YOU’RE a fan?
STEMPNIAK: Of course I’m a fan! You gave me my own show! Nobody’s ever noticed me that much before. (LD Opens STEMPNIAK’s gift)
LD: A Leafs jersey, cool! Thanks! (Turns it over) …With your name on it?
STEMPNIAK: Well, I figured, you’re a Leafs fan, and I happen to be a Leafs player...you know, on the hockey team…
LD: Oh cool, you even got it small enough so I can wear it as a shirt and not as a tent. How nice!
MITCHELL: Well, my wife and I weren’t sure what the “Traditional” second anniversary gift is. We know first is paper and tenth is tin or something like that, but we didn’t know about second year so….I just got you two pounds of bacon and a Leafs hat.
BLAKE: Really? Because I got her 2 pounds of bacon and a Leafs hoodie. Awkward…
LD: Don’t worry! You guys know how much I love bacon and free Leafs gear! You’re both so generous. Thank you so much!
NIK HAGMAN: I wishing you Happy Blogoluxe Day!
LD: Nik Hagman? But I never write about you.
HAGMAN: I still like reading it, for how you make Grabovski talk funny and how you make fun of Vesa’s manpurse. (LD open’s HAGMAN’s gift)
LD: It’s…a very nice picture of your smoking hot wife. And it’s signed… “Have a good time! Nik Hagman!” Nik, are you asking me…to be in a threesome?
HAGMAN: OHO! Look at the times! I have a…food…in the oven, I must be leaving! (HAGMAN leaves and DELIVERY GUY enters)
DELIVERY GUY: Flowers here for a Ms. Loser Domi. Huh, kind of an odd name. Is that Dutch or something?
LD: That’s me. (Reads card with the flowers) “Dear LD, I was going to come to your party, but on my way I got struck by two different bolts of lightning, and then run over by a bus. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Keep on blogging! Hugs and kisses, Mike Van Ryn.” Aww, how sweet! (MIKE KOMISAREK enters)
MIKE KOMISAREK: OK, I gotta make this quick ‘cuz I somehow got roped into 400 Schenn baby duties with White and Stajan. Anyway, I was gonna hire a stripper for LD, but then I thought “I don’t want to go shopping for dude strippers, but I don’t know if LD is a lesbo or bi or whatever, and I don’t want to make any assumptions and stuff.” So, I hired both Taffy and Jiri Tlusty. Now I gotta go…grab some smokes. Yeah, I’m just grabbing smokes, in case anyone asks. (KOMISAREK leaves and TAFFY, a female stripper in a “Slutty cop” costume, and JIRI TLUSTY, who is dressed similar to TAFFY, enter.)
TAFFY: Hey there, we got a noise complaint!
KABERLE: Oh, Officer StripperLady, were we making too much noise?
TAFFY (Whispered to JIRI TLUSTY): Your turn!
JIRI TLUSTY: OH nos, youse not making enough noise!
LD: Look, I know what Komi promised, but you guys don’t have to strip. You can just chill and have a beer and stuff. We can even pay you as if you stripped—it’d be like getting paid to do nothing.
TAFFY: But I’m a stripper! Strippering is what I do!
LD: We could just do Twister, then. If you like, it can be “Clothing optional”, with the clothing option being heavily encouraged. (LD’s phone rings and it’s LUKE SCHENN)
LUKE SCHENN: Hey, LD! First off, Happy Blogiversary!
LD: Thanks Luke! How are the babies?
SCHENN: The babies are great, but have you seen Komisarek anywhere?
LD: He was here for a short time, but left, saying he needed to get cigarettes.
SCHENN: Yeah, he told us he was “just getting smokes”...THREE HOURS AGO!
LD: Gah, what a bum!
SCHENN: What a bastard! What a deadbeat! I’m gonna kick his ass later! (Hangs up)
LD: Now THERE’s a blogthday present!
(The partygoers proceed to drink a lot of booze and play multiple rousing rounds of drunken Twister, and everyone has a great time.)
THE END

Going dark

Hey guys! I'll be spending the next few days in Toronto (I'm here now, after a long ass bus ride yesterday.) I'm taking a bit of a break until probably Tuesday at the earliest (but I am doing a little something for BMR, so look out for that.)

What's really exiting is I'll get to meet some of the crazed fans drunken idiots overall cool folks who chill with me over at Pension Plan Puppets.

Friday Youtube Yoinkage April 10, 2009

You know, it's been a rough season for Leafs fans. Today's theme for the Youtube Yoinkage is things that would make next season awesome even if the Leafs continue sucking.

Clip/suggestions one: goalie dance offs:


clip/suggestion two:Dirty Dancing, as demonstrated by two high school guys who kinda look like Schenn/Tlusty/Pogge hybrids


Clip/suggestion three: More Beer. Alcohol always soothes...(clip is the Lego version of the Beer Song)

"The Covenant", or, LD Watches Bad Movies so you don't have to

You know how when there’s not hockey on, you have to find other things to do with your time? Well, back in January there were two Saturdays in a row without any Leafs hockey on. That’s when I finally decided to sit down and actually watch “The Covenant.”

Now, I should explain why this movie. It was filmed at my school my first year (fall of 2005) and I had the great chance to be a paid extra in it. However, when it came out, I heard almost no positive reviews for it,(rotten tomatoes gives it a 3 out of 100) so I didn’t go and see it. I’ve been avoiding it this whole time until now.

Since I was an extra in it, I may get more of a kick out of it than anyone else. Also, most of my review comes from the chat I was running with Heather of Wrap Around Curl at the time. I also got really hammered for reasons that will be discussed later.

So, quick synopsis: back in the days of the Salem Witch trials, there were five families who escaped persecution and settled in another place. Over the years, they kept the powers pretty secret and became really rich powerful families, except one branch that apparently died out. The whole plot centers around a group of 4 guys who are the descendants of these powerful families. I’m terrible with names, except I know the leader is Caleb (for the record DRINK everytime someone says Caleb). I will also refer to him as “mini-Crosby” because he looks like Sidney Crosby except he doesn’t punch anyone in the junk. There are also Mini-Eminem (blonde, stupid, douche), longish Hair (longish Hair, drives a motorcycle, stupid douche) and some fourth guy who gets so little attention I didn’t even bother coming up with a name for him. So anyway, these four guys are at a really exclusive prep school in New England and about to “ascend”, which I guess is like a male witch version of puberty, where they get their full powers. This all seems well and good except remember the fifth family? Apparently they NEVER died out and the boy from that family wants to take mini-Crosby’s powers because…he can. That’s how shit goes down in this movie. Maybe he has he panties in a bunch from the whole “not allowed to be one of the cool kids who rule everything” but whatever.

8:12 PM i have seen bits of it before
they showed our admin/proff offices building like every minute

Note. Here is the building in question normally:


It is home to administration, the business office, admissions and several professors’ offices.
Here it is in the movie (for screencaps, just ignore the Japanese in the corner, as I may or may not hae just streamed it from Youku instead of buying it or downloading it)

DRINK EVERY TIME YOU SEE THIS BUILDING. You will get hammered guaranteed. Here’s a bit from the chat:

8:38 PM me: i'm drinking everytime they show the admin building
in 2.5 minutes of playing, I have had 3 drinks
ad I think i missed some
8:39 PM Heather: you are gonna be hammered

So it starts off with this big bonfire party, because there’s nothing rich spoiled kids love more than standing around in the woods drinking. Someone sees the cops coming, so they all get out of there. Mini Crosby, Mini Eminem, Longish hair, and the forth guy get in a car and use their great powers to make the car go off a cliff without dying.

Heather: I remember making fun of the trailer for this
me: as you probably should have
all I know is they filmed at bishop's and I got paid to stand around one night
Heather: I called it a ripoff of The Craft
…
8:47 PM "harry potter can kiss my ass!"--great line for the covenant
Heather: that's amazing
8:48 PM me: as they're driving over a cliff to escape cops while leaving a party

So then mini-Crosby goes home to his mom, they talk about how his dad used up his magic, which apparently causes the person to get addicted to magic and age super fast. I know this is supposed to be super dramatic, but considering the whole movie seems like the final project for the Honor Society of the Keanu Reeves Acting School, I am having a hard time not laughing. You know, who needs facial expressions or emotions when you’re as hot as these boys, amirite?
And now, we get to see who I think is mini-Crosby’s maybe girlfriend showering for some reason. From the chat:

8:57 PM oh there's no shower scene quite like a gratuitous shower scene
8:59 PM Heather: just like in Pucked
me: sorta
only less hockey
9:00 PM Heather: there really wasnt hockey in pucked

And then there’s some generic “OMIGOD I’m so spooked out but it turned out to be nothing stuff.


So Longish hair and mini-crosby talk on the phone about gratuitous useage of powers while mini-Crosby (Caleb) is driving, except he almost gets in a car crash! But his powers cause the car to disintergrate so Caleb’s ok! Kids, hang up and drive unless you’re some sort of warlock who can use his powers for good or for awesome (the more you know…)


There’s some closeness stuff between Caleb and the maybe girlfriend. They go out to the old family colonial cottage and talk about stuff. More generic spooky movie stuff followed by more warnings to Caleb Mini-Crosby to be careful. I half expect a “with great power comes great responsibility” type line, but it doesn’t come. Well, Shucks.


Generic bar scene comes next. My main issue is if they’re in prep school, they shouldn’t be of college age, so they shouldn’t be in a dive like this. The Fabulous Four (I’m so using that term for them now) see a girl in a short skirt and…

9:11 PM gratitoitus upskrit FTW!
9:12 PM Heather: niceeeee
9:13 PM me: ok, so in almost 30 minutes of movies, these boys who have such amazing powers have used them for teh following: jumping from cliff to a bonfire party, vomiting on command, making a car disappear to escape the cops, one made another car disintergrate when he was talking on his phone and ran into a truck, and to blow some random chick's skirt up
Heather: I remember some of that from the trailer

me: yeah
that's most of the trailer

At this point we get to meet Evil dude, or Rogue. He’s the fifth family’s kid. Actually, we may have seen him before, but it’s not like it matters

me: OMG GIRL DANCING SULTRY ESQUE
to I love rock n roll
how didn';t this win an oscar!
Heather: so original!
me: they got robbed

At this point, I think I’ll just let the chat speak for itself, with only a few screen grabs, explanations, etc to clear it up.

9:19 PM OMG levitation n shit!
these guys are greatness
like magna cum laude from Willam Shatner's acting class
Heather: LOL
9:20 PM me: the run down old buildings you see are slightly less wooden then they are
9:21 PM maybe it was Keanu Reeve's acting class and not shatners
I dunno
…
less! emphasis! on ! every! word

more mumbly and slackjawed expressions
9:24 PM and OMG they showed McGreer again!
Heather: drinkkkkk
9:25 PM me: like 3 in a row
me: OMG SPIDERS
lots and lots of spiders!!
in a girl's room! while she's sleeping in essentially undies!
this is oscar calibre shit right here!
9:27 PM Heather: girls never sleep in just undies
even when its super hot

me: oh thank god it was just a bad dream
I know, why sleep in just like undies and camisole? it gets freaking cold that way
9:28 PM and hot shirtless boys in bed!
Heather: sign me up!
…
9:35 PM how nice, the hot boys are the swim team, so you know what that means?
Heather: bow chicka wow wowwwww
me: hoty boys=z in speedos lol
and more gratutitous shower scenes!
Heather: yes!

for the ladiessssss
9:36 PM me: actual dialog :
"What are you looking at, fag?"
"that thing between your legs. It's like a penis, only smaller"
and then they fight
Heather: wtf?!
me: in a shower scene after "practice"
9:37 PM I put that in quotes as they just walk around in speedos and talk about something
which is evidently such hard work they must shower afterwards
9:38 PM Heather: clearly

…
me: and now the swim boys are actually swimming
in speedos
yippe!
9:53 PM Heather: hawtness
me: cus you know every school movie needs a sports moment
…
9:57 PM holy crap I just did like 7 drinks in a row b/c of McGreer rule
9:58 PM Heather: you might die!
be careful
me: and apparently prep schools don't have "nurses" they have "infirmery"
It's just amusing to me, since the same building that's teh dorms is also admissions office

….
So there were some hallucinations and stuff of spiders and other generic freaky shit made up by evil Dude, so the Fabulous Four has to go to where some original book is and learn how to knock this evil dude out of the game.

10:09 PM me: and now the covenant has floating books and flames and candles n shit
10:10 PM Heather: wow
scary
me: i know
cause they're descended from witches and whatnot

Apparently Rogue Guy materialized a shitload of spiders to attack Longish Hair’s girlfriend and sent her into analphalatic shock. You know, standard diva stuff.
and the rogue guy put a spell on little Crosby's girlfriend's rommate

10:11 PM SPIDERS!
the roomie is girlfriends with long haired guy
so he is PISSED cuz she
10:12 PM is in the hospital for analphalatic shock, yanno, from a buncha spider bites
….
I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS ACTUAL DIALOGUE "come to save little miss muffet have we? well you're too late! a spider came and sat down beside here and frightened miss muffet away!"
actual fucking dialog
as longish hair revs up his bike
Heather: wow
this movie is full of win
me: ZOMG MATRIX STYLE CAMERA WORK
10:15 PM with longish hair driving toward rogue guy on a motorcycle
longish hair crashes

There’s apparently a ball or something (the scene I got to be in!) but at this point I am so smammered I don’t even really care anymore. Rogue Guy lures mini-Crosby to some abandoned barn so Rogue guy can steal Mini-Crosby’s powers as he “Ascends” and gets his powers

10:22 PM I think rogue guy just made a your mom insult to mini crosby
he will destroy them all when Caleb (min Crosby) "ascends" whatever the hell that means
10:24 PM MOAR TELEKENISIS! FTW!
Heather: I love telekenisis!
OH! Plot development! Rogue Guy has kidnapped Mim-Crosby’s girl and will kill her (or possibly just ruin her dress for the Fall Fest thingy.)
10:49 PM wait....did I just hear "how about I make you my wi-atch"?
like beyotch, but with witches?

10:56 PM ok, so in the climatic barn fight scene, we have fire, balls of what looks like gelatin and random old farm implements all FTW pitchforks n shit
me: more actual dialog :
11:02 PM rogue dude: "are you ready to say uncle?"
mini crosby:"I;m ready for you to go to hell"
11:04 PM oooh kick in the face while lying down
me: OK so now min crosby and rogue boy look like they're just hurling balls of jello at each other
but it's 'MAGIC"
11:06 PM or something
11:10 PM aw shucks mini crosby missed the dance to hurl gelatin balls

I’m pretty sure that there was a conversation that went a bit like this in post-production:
Director: so, We have Evil guy throw a fireball at Caleb—
Producer: Uh, we can’t afford to CGI fireballs
Director: well I dunno, make them do SOMETHING! Have them throw some magic at each other!
What resulted was this:
Yeah, wavy air hurts people. Whatever. Evil dude throws his balls of magic at Mini Crosby's face (HA!)
Mini-Crosby wins and Rogue Guy turns into dust or something. I don’t remember and I really don’t care at this point. All I know is cute boys throwing stuff at each other and acting more wooden than the old colonial buildings around them. I have seen movies like this in that the more you drink, the better it gets. Plot holes seal themselves up, dialogue becomes realistic, and in general it just makes sense. In fact, I'm pretty sure that for this movie if you drank enough tgo make you pass out, this becomes like "Citizen Kane" good.

Because I am bum

SO Domiteers, the play I'm in is on again tomorrow night. Afterwards, in a proud drama tradition, there will be much boozing. I also have several assignments due. Long story short--I doubt I can get anything up on either BMR or my own site until about Thursday or friday. I may throw up some LOLaction, but I make no promises. Sorry guys.

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque, Part 2

(RAYCROFT and MAURICE are sitting away from everyone else, sharing massive bong hits.)
RAYCROFT:Wow, Coach, I never would have thought that if you smoked enough weed, Bob Marley music doesn't sound like total shit.
MAURICE: Isn't it surprising, Rayray?
RAYCROFT: You know I got some serious munchies after smoking all that weed, man.
MAURICE: Yeah, we gotta get something to eat, I'm thinking some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky--
RAYCROFT: See, I'm more of a sweets guy—I was thinking more like some peanut butter, and getting some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, making sure it's chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man.
MAURICE: And some popcorn, red popcorn, whatever red popcorn is—
RAYCROFT:graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars so we can make s'mores, man.
MAURICE: Also, celery—
RAYCROFT: Grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries—
MAURICE: And pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons...
RAYCROFT: Oooh boy, Funyons! Let's get 'em!
MAURICE:(while leaving with Raycroft) OK guys, we'll be back, we're just, umm..Raray, what are we doing?
RAYCROFT:We're getting munchies!
MAURICE:Yeah! (The pair leave and after a block or so they encounter ANDY WOZNIEWSKI standing on the sidewlk looking at a stop sign)
RAYCROFT:WOZ!
WOZNIEWSKI: Ray-ray!
MAURICE: Well, there's no traffic, so let's go
RAYCROFT:Coach what are you doing?!
MAURICE: What's so wrong?
RAYCROFT: Coach, that's a “stop” sign, not a “go” sign! It tells us to stop. We have to wait until it says “go” before we can go!
WOZNIEWSKI :I've been waiting here for twelve hours and it hasn't changed yet. (TOMAS KABERLE rounds the corner)
KABERLE: Hey guys.
ALL: Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: What..the hell are you guys doing staring at that stop sign?
MAURICE: Well, the sign tells us to stop. We're waiting for it to say go so we can go.
KABERLE: It already says go
ALL:huh?
KABERLE: See, you take the “S” and flip the bottom part and that makes a “C” like curve
WOZNIEWSKI :uh-huh...
KABERLE: then you take da top of the “T” and you put it here, and that makes a “G”. The you bring down the “O” and it says “GO”
WOZNIEWSKI: But what about the other lines?
KABERLE: Those turn into exclamation points
ALL: ohhhh... so we can go now?
KABERLE: Yes, you are free.
ALL: Yay! (they leave KABERLE alone)
KABERLE: ugh. Is just like dealing with Bryan McCabe.
McCABE: (in distance) Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: Hi, Bryan. Hi everybody!


(STAJAN, WELLWOOD, and STEEN have come off their acid trips and are underneath a tree wrapped around each other in the fetal position)
WELLWOOD: Am I the only one who has no idea what just happend?
STAJAN: I dunno—I'm more worried that we're all curled up in the fetal position together on Bryan McCabe's lawn.
STEEN: As long as it wasn't a gay orgy, I think we're ok.
WELLWOOD:Unless we were on acid, in which case we probably killed a hobo or something, if those health class videos taught me anything.
STAJAN: is three people even enough for an orgy?
WELLWOOD: I don't know, and to be honest, I'd rather just forget that this happened and we just go on like normal.
STEEN and STAJAN: Fair enough, ok.
ANTROPOV: Hey, guys.
WELLWOOD: Where have you been
ANTROPOV: What you mean? me and Poni been standing here this whole time.
PONIKAROVSKY: HI!
STAJAN: So you saw....whatever it was me, Alex, and Kyle were doing?
TUCKER: I saw it all, too. It was more entertaining than an episode of Lost.
STEEN : Oh Sweet Jesus, no.
TUCKER: Don't worry, boyos. It's not like I videotaped the whole thing and will be shortly posting it all on YouTube or anything. (to self) Mental note: when you get home, register domain name www.leafersluts.com
ANTROPOV:Whatever. Me and Poni had brainstorm after season ended.
PONIKAROVSKY : Yeah! We make millions with this idea!
STAJAN:Don;t you guys already make millions playing hockey?
ANTROPOV: you have to think for future, Matty. After you get injured or whatever.
PONIKAROVSKY: we invent Vodka Water! It's rehydrates your body and gets you drunk enough stop your soul from hurting!
WELLWOOD:Vodka water?
STEEN:Isn't that just perpetuating stereotypes of ex-Soviets as drunks?
PONIKAROVSKY :...So? Do you have point?
ANTROPOV: it's stuff me and Poni sometime brewed in hotel bathtubs during road trips starting way back with Dynamo Moscow. (fills cups from suspicious jugs and hands them to everyone around, who takes a drink accompanied by sounds of coughing and retching)
STAJAN:gahhh...ow! I's sloshed just by shmelling all that.
WELLWOOD: heh. Wuss. (takes drink) OH GOD!
STEEN:I think a bit of my soul just died.
TUCKER:Hmmm...(sniffs without drinking) Hey Bryan! I got a present for you!
McCABE:Really?
TUCKER:Yeah, it's stuff Nik and Poni brought. Bottoms up, buddy! (hands cup to McCABE, who downs it in one gulp)
McCABE:owieowieowieowieowie!
TUCKER:It's ok, Bryan.
McCABE:ischadingo-schluuuuurrrrrp!!
TUCKER: come again?
McCABE: I shad, dingy-bingy schnisiniffner!
TUCKER:oh, ok. (sirens) Oh, SHIT! it's the Po-po! we're dead!
STAJAN: Fuck da police!
WELLWOOD:, nah, HELP, help, help da police! heheheheh
KABERLE: I shows you all now why my “A” is for “awesome” Hey Bryan, can you do me a favour?
TUCKER: Wait, where did you come from?
McCABE: What, Kabs?
KABERLE: Can you alphabetize these Skittles for me? (opens bag of Skittles onto ground next to McCABE)
McCABE: Okie-dokie, good buddy! (becomes engrossed by Skittles)
KABERLE: That should buy us at least an hour to talk to the police and make them go away.
POLICE OFFICER: ok, gentlemen, we received a report of a kick-ass party that you didn't invite me to—would you mind explaining that to me?
KABERLE: wait a second...
ANTROPOV: Why is “police” spelled P-O-L-E-E-S-E?
STAJAN: It's not police at all!
McCABE: Kabbie, I'm done! I even alphabetized them by colour since I was bored!
KABERLE: Alphebetized...by colour?! The stupid make my head hurt...
TUCKER: You're no popo, you're...
POLICE OFFICER: That's right, I'm (takes off fake police uniform) TIE DOMI, MOTHERFUCKERS!

(part 3 to come eventually)

FYY, April 18, 2008

This week's Friday Youtube Yoinkage theme is something I think everyone who reads this blog (all 6 of you) has experienced--drunken debauchery. It's a tag I really should be using much more often.

clip one--The all-Beer Diet. Dangit, I wish I had thought of this sooner.


clip two: A beer-a-mid, which according to the info, "as built on March 26th, 2008 at the Cincinnati Cyclones (ECHL) Hockey game. It was $1 Beer night... so something had to be done with ALL those empty beer cups!"I just love the crowd cheering louder for the beer-a-mid than for teh actual play:


clip three: some random homemade beer commercial. Illegal equipment calls suck:

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque

BRYAN McCABE: Wow, I can't believe I got so many people to show up at my backyard barbeque
MATS SUNDIN: Just to be safe, after Raycroft's little...incident, do you have all of the knives and sharp objects locked up?
McCABE: You mean...? Oh that, don't worry—locking up the sharp objects is standard procedure here whenever I'm around. (DARCY TUCKER enters) Oh, hey, Darcy!
DARCY TUCKER: Hey guys. I brought a bag of frozen fishsticks for you, Bryan. Enjoy Long Island, you fuckfaced retard.
McCABE: Haha, Darcy, you're such a great joker!
TUCKER: No, man, I'm serious. Every night I pray to God that the cops find your bloated corpse in a ditch somewhere. And Mark Bell asked me to give you this for him. (Hands McCabe a suspicious bottle)
McCABE:Prison wine? He shouldn't have!
SUNDIN: for sure—I can smell the hepatitis from here. (PAVEL KUBINA enters, greetings excahnged)between everyone)
McCABE: Hey Kubie...uh, what's that bag in your hand?
PAVEL KUBINA: What beg?Vhat hend?
McCABE: I'm talking about the plastic bad in you hand that looks like it's full of assorted pills.
KUBINA: Oh, this?It is...well, I shell be honest. Dis beg may be full of pells, dey may be Skittles, I do know know for sure. But I know a way to find out.
McCABE: Dude, did you just roofie my drink?
KUBINA: No, why you ask?
McCABE:You did! You totally did! you just reached over and plopped a pill or something in my drink, I just saw you. You weren't even sneaky about it.
KUBINA:OK, I make a deal: if nothing heppen, it was just a vitamin suppliment. If you fall alseep and someone is making hot, sweet love to your anus, then it was a roofie. Deal?
McCABE: far enough
KUBINA: and now to get Babyface Crew on acid. Or maybe those are Vitamin C. (leaves)
SUNDIN: Wait, is that—it can't be...Paul Maurice? HERE?
McCABE:Oh no, he's such a buzzkill
TUCKER:Whatever guys, just act cool, here he comes.
PAUL MAURICE: Heyy, guys!
SUNDIN, McCABE, TUCKER: (in a depressed manner) Hi, Coach
MAURICE: Look, I know you all think I'm a buzzkill, so I'll level with you—I have enough weed, Xanax, and Vicodin to host a Phish reunion tour!
TUCKER: (somewhat forced) Okay! Now we van really let loose!
McCABE: “Now”? After seeing Kubina drugging everybody's drinks with random pills?
SUNDIN” So is that why Wellwood is totally terrified of the shadows of those tree branches?
WELLWOOD: They're gonna trap me! LEMMEOUT! LEMMEOUT!
STEEN: Kyle, shut up! If I sing “It's raining men” fast enough this rock says he'll each me how to fly!
STAJAN: (sobbing) MOMMMMY! I ate the moon!
WELLWOOD: Matt! Save yourself! The branches have me pinned down!
STAJAN: I ate the moon, mommy, I'm sorrry!! (panicked whisper) It's not there anymore! (sobs) are you mad at me? (crawls over to WELLWOOD)
WELLWOOD: I'll forgive you for eating the moon if you shield me from these branches
STAJAN: (still sobbing) Ok, ok (curls up into fetal position next to WELLWOOD, who starts gnawing on STAJAN's fingers)
TUCKER: Kyle! Stop trying to eat Stajan!
WELLWOOD: But his fingers are delicious Cajun sausage! nomnomnom.
STEEN: And his hair is made out of bacon! nomnomnom (starts chewing STAJAN'S hair)
TUCKER: I thought you were trying to fly
STEEN : The rock was playing me. I shoulda known, nomnomnom
TUCKER: You guys, seriously, cannibalism is not cool.
STAJAN: Darcy, what's that on your face?
TUCKER: You mean my nose?
STAJAN: no it's like a bug thingy sucking out your brains! Don't worry, I'll get it for you! (grabs stick, starts beating TUCKER in the face with the stick)
TUCKER: Staj—what the!—dammit!—stop hitting me!—with that stick!—
STAJAN: I'll save you Darcy! I'm a sock-kicking baddass mofo! (TUCKER punches STAJAN and knocks him out)
MAURICE: Darcy, why are you punching people? ah never mind that...
WELLWOOD (to nobody at all): TICKING TIME BOMB!
MAURICE: Wait a second...is that Rayrary over there? Raycroft, you emowannabe sumbitch, comeover here and smoke a bowl with me!

( stay tuned for part 2 eventually)

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, April 4, 2008

Sorry for the bit of a delay folks--I discovered the joy of adding Captain Morgan to Dr. Pepper (thanks Heather!) so after about 3/4 of a bottle of rum later, I'm pretty damn hungover right now. But onto the clips--today's theme is kinda hockey related stuff in movies that aren't Slapshot or Might Ducks.

clip one: Jules Winnfield, Hockey coach. Four words that equal awesomeness:


clip two: Mashup of Might Ducks 2 (not the original, so it's ok!) and audio from 300. Tonight, Emilio Estevez dines in Hell.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

clip three: ok, so not hockey, but for some reason, I could see the Leafs doing this, possibly the Sens. Watch Keanu Reeves shuffle!

FYY for Feb. 8, 2008 and 100 POSTS!

Huh--apparently the last Leafer Madness post was post number 100! Here at tWWoLD, that means it's time for a celebration. Barry Melrose Rocks already has Snoop and Gary Bettman, so instead, let's celebrate with Eddie Belfour and Jose:I'd like to thank all (6) of you from reading my dribble and for stopping by. And now, onto YouTube Yoinkage

Clip one: "Are you SHITTING me, Wozniewski?" I offer this in honour of Andy Wozniewski getting put on waivers. When I read that over at Pension Plan Puppets, I searched YouTube for anything about the Woz. I got three clips: this one, the "take two" version of this (non-shitting version) and a clip of Woz talking about Illinois. That's it.


clip Two: Eddie Belfour drops some mad rhymes, yo. That hotel staff is indeed lucky to be alive.


Clip three: Meet Mitt Romney. It has nothing to do with hockey, but especially since he just dropped out of the race, it's too damn funny to pass up:

Wednesday Bar Joke, November 21, 2007

Yoinked from www.lotsofjokes.com

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

No-One Dies Harder Than John LeClair

Stolen from Way Offside (they're good folks, really), comes this news. No word on whether or not it was Team Ramrod who pulled him over

As a fellow Vermonter, I feel I should throw my own spin on this, but frankly, I'm not that surprised this has happened. For those of you know in the know (Hell, I had to look it up) here is Milton, Vermont in all it's glory: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton%2C_Vermont. It's kinda sorta closeish to St. Albans, which is where LeClair is from.

I've made this crack before on other blogs, but with Johnny boozin' and crusin' and Eric Lindros retiring, I wonder if Mikael Renberg is gong to be up to anything soon...

and oh yeah...this might help explain the title. It's so awesome, you should sit down in order to behold it. Consider it a preview/bonus for Friday's YouTube Thingy (I can't think of a name--any suggestions, anyone?)