LEE STEMPNIAK:Hi folks, and welcome to another edition of Ask Lee Stempniak! Today my guests are fellow ice hockey players of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Luke Schenn and Matt Stajan. Welcome to the show, guys.
LUKE SCHENN:Thanks Lee, it's great to be here.
MATT STAJAN: It's great to help you lose 50 bucks, Lee.
SCHENN: 50 bucks? You said you were gonna give me 40...
STEMPNIAK: Haha, not now guys. After the show we can talk about money. Our first question comes to us from Kristen in Hamilton who asks "Dear Lee Stempniak, do you think Jiri Tlusty deserves a shot with the Leafs in the 2009-2010 season?"
STAJAN: (stifled giggle) Tlusty? Well, he certainly is a well-groomed player, if you know what I mean!
SCHENN: Yeah, he can handle his stick well, if you know what I mean!
STEMPNIAK: HA ha! He can really photograph his penis and post it on Facebook, if you know what I mean!
STEMPNIAK: I'm not doing this right, am I?
STAJAN: Not really.
SCHENN: I'd call that a minor to medium fail.
STEMPNIAK: Well Kristen, I'd say Tlusty has good scoring potential, but he needs some polishing up with the minors. He's still a bit rough around the edges and needs better finesse and a softer touch, which can only come with experience. He's still quick to shoot and panic, and he needs to learn to pace his movements and enjoy himself better. Thoughts, fellas?
STAJAN: That...is what she said!
SCHENN: Man, I don't care if he wins 12 Stanley Cups and scores a billion goals. Those naked wang pics will follow him forever.
STAJAN: Poor guy. I'd almost feel sorry for him if it wasn't so damn funny. Almost.
STEMPNIAK: So...our second question comes to us from Eric in Portland, who asks, "If Matt Stajan's eyes make you want to fuck him, and Luke Schenn's eyes impregnate you and melt your underwear, what happens if they look at each other or into a mirror?"
STAJAN: That is a good question. We could test that out right now, if you want.
SCHENN: I don't know, Matt...
STEMPNIAK: Don't worry, Luke. It's not like anyone can get pregnant here. We're among men. It's all safe, don't worry. But if you do, could you try to smell Matt's hair a bit? (SCHENN and STAJAN look deep into each other's eyes. There is a small explosion and a lot of smoke)
STAJAN: What happened?
SCHENN: I dunno, but I feel really good right now.
STEMPNIAK: Did we all just get laid?
STAJAN: I dunno, but I really need something to drink and a sandwich.
SCHENN:I don't think I can even move after that...but in a good way.
STEMPNIAK: Should we check for undergarments? (they check) Yep, mine are gone.
STAJAN: Same here.
SCHENN: Damn, that was a good pair, too.
STEMPNIAK: Does anyone else here feel like they need a smoke?
STAJAN:I haven't smoked so much as a puff in my life, but that sounds like a good idea.
SCHENN: Guys, I have to ask...does this mean that, technically, we're gay?
STEMPNIAK: I think this might be kinda like if we jacked off in front of each other. There are gay undertones, but we could still give blood in Quebec.
SCHENN: Well, not that there's anything wrong with that--
STEMPNIAK: I have a mirror here. We could see what happens with that.
SCHENN: I dunno if I want to even try it. I don't think I have it in me. What do you think, Matty?
STAJAN: Wha? Huh? I'm up.
STEMPNIAK: How could you fall asleep? Don't you care about anyone else's feelings?
STAJAN: I didn't think I was asleep... But jeez, maybe I should go home and have a long nap. See you guys! (leaves)
SCHENN: Yeah, it's getting kinda late, Lee. I should go--
STEMPNIAK:It's 3:30 in the afternoon, Luke.
SCHENN: Well, I'm still on Saskatchewan time, I guess. I should get some lunch. (Leaves)
STEMPNIAK: (sighs, looks sadly at toy cat) Why don't they ever stay, Buttons?