The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone .
(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is sitting in an overstuffed armchair in front of a fire place. The room is very tastefully decorated, much like the opening to “Masterpiece Theatre.” )
COLAIACOVO: Hello there, I’m Carlo Colaiacovo. As some of you Leafs fans may know, I have had a long string of terrible injuries. That’s why I’m going to spend this off-season traveling the world looking for a cure for my…what’s the word…made-of-glass-itude (OLD BRITISH GUY enters)
OLD BRITISH GUY: What the bloody hell are you doing in my house? (COLAIACOVO runs out of chair, jumps out of open window and lands in a dumpster.)
COLAIACOVO: ow…my head…
4 weeks later…
(COLAIACOVO is standing in a secret underground laboratory with IAN WHITE)
COLAIACOVO: Well folks, my head is all OK! My special guest for today is fellow defenseman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Ian White!
WHITE: Uh, Carlo…who are you talking to?
COLAIACOVO: Thanks to MLSE’s extensive and often shady connections we were able to secure an exclusive deal with Stark Industries. (We see TONY STARK designing something on a computer screen.)
STARK: (moves away from screen to reveal an Iron Man suit painted to look like a Maple Leafs uniform) Awesome, isn’t it?
WHITE: Wait, so Carlo would be like a mecca Maple Leaf? That’s so cool it’s not even funny! (WHITE starts wandering around in the lab looking at the various items.)
COLAIACOVO: Wouldn’t it be painfully obvious?
STARK: Don’t worry—with a better paint job, people will just think it’s Hal Gill or Zdeno Chara. Although I did have to modify the power source a bit.
COLAIACOVO: So this is running on…?
STARK: Since you don’t have a magnet in your chest, you’ll just have to be really, really drunk. By my calculations, you’ll need a blood alcohol level of…six.
COLAIACOVO: I could handle that.
WHITE: Hey Tony, what’s this thingy do?
STARK: DON’T TOUCH THAT! (WHITE retracts his hand, but in doing so he knocks a glass of scotch onto a computer keyboard. The keyboard shorts out and the sparks ignite some paper, which also got soaked with scotch. A small fire starts)
COLAIACOVO: OH SHIT!
WHITE: Don’t worry—there’s a big bottle of water here!
STARK: DON’T ! That’s-- (WHITE pours contents of bottle onto the fire, which grows to almost the size of a wall) That’s vodka! Who the hell are you?
COLAIACOVO: Well, I’m Sidney Crosby and he’s Jason Spezza. (STARK evacuates via a convenient fire-proof Audi, leaving WHITE and COLAIACOVO behind.)
WHITE: We gotta get outta here!
COLAIACOVO: Ya, congratulations, Captain Obvious. (WHITE and COLAIACOVO manage to just barely escape the collapsing building)
WHITE: Well, as Darkwing Duck would say, “Singed but triumphant”
COLAIACOVO: Ian, for tonight, I’m going to beat you like a red headed step child! (COLAIACOVO punches WHITE in the head.) OW! AH! I think I just broke my hand!