Minor Malfunctions

OK, so here's the deal: I was hard at work trying to bring back a new LOLeafs post. But then, Blogger decided that they didn't want to let me upload photos. Who the hell would want to see silly pictures of the Maple Leafs with silly photos anyway. This, of course, is a huge setback in my quest to provide humor. In a normal filler post, this is where I'd find a picture of a bunny or something and post it as fluff...but Blogger has taken that away from me. Bastards. I mean, it's not like I've been a loyal user for 3 years or anything.

Instead, here's a great video about a depressed whale until I can actually write something

October 8, 2010--third blogiversary!

I think this year is going to be a low-key, relaxed celebration. I'd just like to thank everyone who has read, linked, been a part of Twitter back-and-forths, and so for the past three years. I hope I can keep doing this without totally half-assing it as long as it's fun for you and me. Thank you everyone! Here's a cupcake:

What the HELL, Yahoo Answers?

OK, fine. I know what an intellectual abyss Yahoo Answers is. I'm fine with that.When I go there for kicks, I know I'm not getting the sharpest tools in the shed. But the two highlighted questions that are "related" questions to "A few Q's about the Leafs" has me wondering what the hell is going on. The whole million monkeys at a million typewriters hasn't churned out Hamlet yet, but frankly, I'm not surprised. Although, to be honest, I wonder if the "I wanna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I suck!?" is at all related to the question about Vesa Toskala signing in Sweden. I'd like to imagine it is, just for laughs.

And Y!A, how DARE you invoke the name of Two girls one cup in my hockey section! Especially with this winner of an answer:

no, this is a made up "video" that does not exisit, only in the imagination of the mind.

great internet hoax that people keep perpetuating. no one has seen it.

you should see "two guys one bottle". now THAT....

Source(s):

if it ever existed it would be on youtube and everyone would have a link.:)))

Le Bouchon, you're an idiot. But at least you're just one idiot in a sea of them, so you'll have plenty of company.

A concerning trend…

I'll be honest, I’m not a math person. I have no interest in statistic wonkery or crunching numbers. That’s why I specialize in dick jokes, youtube and slashfic. However, there are some stats that even I cannot ignore.

I first time started to really care about hockey (and specifically the Leafs) began early in my last year of high school. This would place my timing in late 2004. We all know what happened in 2004 , so that season’s a write off. However, let’s take a look at the seasons after that. All numbers are from eth Maple Leafs website and only take into account the regular season.

2005-2006: 18th in the league, with 90 points and a 0.549 winning percentage. To be fair, this was also my first year of university, so…let’s just say there’s quite a bit I don’t remember. I do remember high-fiving some random guy at a party because 1) he was wearing a Leafs shirt and 2) Mats Sundin was not in need of surgery to fix a broken orbital bone. I also remember high-fiving another girl because of the acquisition of Eric Lindros. To be honest, I think that was during Frosh Week, which was one big blur to me anyway.

2006-2007: 18th in the league, 91 points, 0.55 winning percentage. There isn’t a lot I remember about this season, except one of my favorite hockey memories so far. I was in second year, in the common room of one of the dorms. I was watching a Habs-Leafs game (I think it was a Leafs home game, but I’m not sure) as the lone Leafs fan in a room of five or six Habs fans . The game went to a shootout, which the Leafs notoriously suck at. The best part of the night was not that the Leafs won, but rather the reactions of the Habs guys. It was a blast hearing the rink announcer say something like “next for the Maple Leafs…ALEXEI…PONIKAROVSKY!!!” and seeing the Habs guys go “OH FUCK! NOO!!!”

2007-2008: October 2007 was when I actually started writing about the Leafs. The Leafs finished 23rd in the league with 83 points and a 0.506 winning percentage.

2008-2009: finished 24th in the entire league, 81 points and a 0.494 winning percentage. Much swearing, tears, and alcohol consumption.

2009-2010: Finished 29th in the entire league with 74 points and a 0.451 winning percentage. I wanted to drink this team and myself into oblivion.

Each year, the team missed the playoffs. I know that some years were closer misses than others, but they were still misses. Now, I understand that the nature of sports teams is highly cyclic. I know that teams go through ups and downs and in a league with 30 teams, dry spells are inevitable. Just to be on the safe side, let’s look at the five years before I started following the Leafs, not counting the lockout.

2003-2004: finished FIFTH in the entire league with 103 points and a winning percentage of 0.628
2002-2003: NINTH in the league with 98 points and a 0.598 winning percentage.
2001-2002: Finished THIRD in the league with 100 points and a winning percentage of 0.610.
2000-2001: 14th in the league with 90 points and .549 winning percentage.
1999-2000: 7th in the league (out of 28 teams) with 100 points and 0.610 winning percentage.

What in the Hell happened?

On behalf of fans, be they LeafsNation, Spawn of ’67, PPP girlfriends, or Damien Cox sock puppets, I’d like to offer an apology. I am truly and deeply sorry that I decided, for no logical or sentimental reason, became a Leafs fan.

Here's the Thing...

Not too long ago, I saw Prince of Persia. I had intended to make a feature starring Jeff Finger, where he'd make jokes about how Henrik Zetterberg was awesome at parkouring and had practiced diving and falling and how I could totally rock his greasy mom hair better than he does. I had a notebook where I took notes to remember my jokes.


When I got out of the theater and looked at my notes, here's what I saw:

 Now, in my defense, it was dark and I was writing quickly. What I can read doesn't really make any sense to me. But to be fair, what I had was not that great, and I don't want to half-ass things here.

The Mailbag Returns!

 

(Source is here. I think I have an idea for a Halloween costume...)

Am I the only one who sees the Caped Crusader/Boy Wonder potential in the duo of Frankenphaneuf and Kessel? Both seem to be staying for a moment, so why not make a regular feature out of 'em?

Let’s take a quick look at the other players that I have given shows:

Darcy Tucker (and a retired Tie Domi): one episode of a show called “Go Puck Yourself” in the early days of the blog  (Well, one aired episode. I found episode two—hand written and stuffed in a book—months after the fact and found out it sucked as much as episode one  ) That was in November of 2007. In Mid 2008, Tucker’s contract got bought out by the Leafs, which allowed Darcy to start half-assing it for the Colorado Avalanche

Nik Antropov and Alexei Ponikarovsky: In February 2009, Jared of London and I gave the dynamo duo their own show. There were three total episodes, but Nik was only around for one, after he got traded in March. Alexei got traded to the Penguins in March of 2010.

Ask Lee Stempniak was started in July of 2009. I managed to squeeze out seven episodes before he and Buttons got traded to the Phoenix Coyotes in March 2010.

Now, I would love to be able to write a Kessel/Phaneuf duo series. A mute caveman and functionally retarded gopher would make for hilarious hijinks. But given that the best track record I have with player shows is Lee Stempniak? I can’t risk it, not with Phaneuf and Kessel.

Hey this is bestbostonsports. I love the little stories you make up about Leafs players, could you make one for the Bruins?
That Leader Madness was funny, could you make one with the Bruins?
Can you do one of your stories with Bruins players?
As for all three of these questions, I do my non-Leafs stories over at Barry Melrose Rocks. Check over there for Boston stuff.  If you have any suggestions for character quirks (for example, Tim Thomas’s love of cheeseburgers), feel free to send them over!

Who would you most like to win The Cup this year? The Habs? Dany Heatley, who they say is an absolute killer behind the steering wheel? Patrick Kane, who they say is likely to try and kill the guy who is behind the steering wheel? Or Dan Carcillo?

(Somehow I posted this over at The Victoria Times. Sorry, Ryan!)
Let's take a look at the other teams I wanted to win in this payoff series:
Phoenix Coyotes
Los Angeles Kings
Washington capitals
Pittsburgh Penguins
San Jose Sharks

Each and every one got eliminated. Now I'm down to Habs, Flyers, and the Hawks. There is no "good" option anymore, just 'least painful"

LD Mailbag thingy

Hello, everyone!

Remember how I had the little Formspring thing so you can ask me questions? Some people actually did it! And I wrote answers to them! Now I just need a name for this feature.

Tie Domi: Threat or Menace?
That depends: are you a Flyers fan? If so, Tie Domi is a threatening menace. Observe:


If the Maple Leafs didn't exsist who would you root for?
Hrmm, good question. Consider that where I am, all of the hockey fans (and there aren’t many of those) are fans of either the Bruins or the Canadiens. Also consider that the first and so far only NHL game I have been to was Bruins-Habs. I also went to college in Quebec. Therefore, I imagine I would be a Habs fan, except Loser LaFleur isn’t nearly as funny a nickname as Loser Domi.

I now feel dirty for saying this, and I will never speak of it again.

Was it really just a fold?
…Dammit, you guys. You know that there are places on the Internet where one can see more that just what might be a nipple, right? All these questions about the shirt are making me seriously doubt what I saw as a fold. I hope you’re all happy.

if your boyfriend offered to fly you away for the night for a romantic getaway would you go or tell him 'i don't see the point?'
I don’t have a boyfriend, so I’d have to put on my imagination cap for this one. See, what I would consider “romantic” is not what others would consider romantic. A lot of what other people consider “romantic” (wine and candles, opera, committing suicide over a guy you’ve only known for a week) is what I consider “vomit-inducing.” Romantic for me would be "hey babe, I just got box seats for a Leafs game at the Air Canada Centre. Grab your passport and coat and let's go." That might get the motor running.  I’d like the idea of a getaway in general, however.

More drawings please! Always great.
Sure! I just need some ideas for it. I also need the time to do it, which I don't have right now. Maybe I’ll figure something out for this summer.

MMMkkay folks, that's all I have for now.

Ask Lee Stempniak Loser Domi!

You see in the upper left hand side there? That's a new Formspring box. I had another, but I forgot the login and they can't seem to find it for me, so I'm just starting it up again. Feel free to use it like a suggestion box for whatever you might want to see here. Maybe you want to ask about more Grabovski postings. Maybe you can't get enough LOLeafs. Whatever you say, I'm all ears.

Going dark

Between work stuff, a class and a play, I'm going to be going dark for about a week or so to keep sanity. In the mean time, here is Phil Kessel being a gangsta:

Glorious. Simply.....glorious

Of course, since I'm a true Leafs fan, I'm waiting for it to collapse.

Clearly, I Should Never Hold Contests

Howdy, Kittens. Remember that slashfic contest I had over the summer?
I learned a few things from it, such as sex scenes and fights are much harder to write than I thought they were, and that I really suck at running contests.

I only had one entry (the rest of the stories were ones I wrote), so your winner by default is.... (drumroll)

Garrett Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove!

Congrats, Garrett! Your entry of "Being Tomas Kaberle", a heart warming/heart breaking tale about everyone's favourite rosy-cheeked Czech is the winner!

For your prize....um....email a request of a scene and I will cartoon it. And mail it. My work of Matt Stajan on a unicorn was partially inspired by this piece, in fact.

Congratulations again to Garrett, winner by default (2 of the sweetest words in the English language)

More Bloggin' Nubbin' Rubbins

I return! Moving was fine, but now I just gotta work on the job thingy…

I found out that, according to Sitemeter, most of my visits come from 3 sources: Pension Plan Puppets, Down Goes Brown, and Maple Leafs Hot Stove. I thought that, perhaps my days of crazy search results that bring people to this site were over.

Oh Internet, will you ever cease to prove me wrong? Here’s another round of crazy webseraches that bring people.

“how to domi curl your hair”
Uh…how do you domi curl? Is that like a jerri curl, but on the other side?

(Italian Google) “cock inside shoes”
Oh, you crazy Eye-talians!

Jules Winnfield bobblehead
That’s a bobblehead you don’t fuck around with like a bitch.

Loser domi mabel
This lead to a collection of LOL’d Tlusty pics. In other words, may be NSFW.

Hugh Laurie fics
HOBOBEARDS!

Die hard slash fiction
Well, yippe-ki-yay, mother fucker. (suggestive eyebrows)

(From Google.ae ) wounderful fuking and suking in the world
…I’m not even touching that

Wendelful you
I’m not that wendelful—I have yet to punch out anyone’s blood

(French google search) Bisex jared team fuck blog
That sounds like some anime where they have a team of robots that have to defeat some evil force of robots. Only, instead of actual fighting, they have orgies until the evil guys are humped into submission by the good robots jazzing lasers. In other words, it sounds AWESOME and like something I’d love to see.

Chickfighting loser sucks cock
…I’ll let you guys handle that one.

going dark, yet again

I'll be going dark for yet another time for a week or so. I'll be moving this weekend, and until then I'll have to spend time packing (in addition to normal working.)

At least I'm gettign lazy now and not in November, when stuff matters.

Time to Say Goodbye: Tim Stapleton

Well Timmy, I wish I could have gotten to know you better. Unfortunately, I need to follow the Marlies closer. If you had only made a bigger impact on the Leafs, or I had only followed the Marlies better, I could have something to witre about. Alas, now is not the time.

Great moments in WWoLD:
Sorry, there's nothing here.

What I learned from Tim Stapleton:
...Timbits aren't just for breakfast any more?

CONTEST! and other stuff

I figured I'd tie up some things here:

First off, Since the summer is really damn boring I am having a contest! It's the first ever Loser Domi's Slash Fic Summer! So get those twisted minds a-workin' on some NHL slashfic. Here are the rules:

1: You can keep it as tame or a saucy as you like.

2: It must involve at least one person with some sort of connection to hockey. This could be a player, a broadcaster, a writer or even a blogger. Perhaps you want to write about how players "relieve stress" while on the road? Maybe Pavel Kubina and Hugh Laurie get a little saucy at the International Hobo Beard convention? OR you want to figure out what Chemmy and PPP really do on their sexy vacations together? Go for it!

3: I'm putting a limit of 1000 words maximum per story.

4: (And this is crucial) Every entry MUST contain the following phrase: "'Oh' he/she/I said. All he/she/I could say was 'Oh'".

5: Email your entries to me at loserdomi@gmail.com with either "contest" or "LD, you are soooo cool and I have daydreamed about kissing you" in the subject line.

6: I don't really have prizes, but I could send you some old textbooks I don't need anymore, or some random crap I find cleaning.


Second thing, I will be doing a "time to say goodbye" type series for the players who leave the Leafs for free agency (hobobeard... :/). Just give me a bit to work them out.

An Apology to Matt "Mathew" Stajan

Part 4 of Year end awards is coming! I promise!

Dear Matt Stajan,

Look, I know here on the WWoLD, I've put you through some tough times. I've had you cry an awful lot and I even had you tasered. I know, I know, it just doesn't seem fair that I keep doing stuff like this to you, and I want to figure out why I keep doing it. I know it hurts.

But you know what else hurts? Knowing that one of the earliest Leafs players I got attached to (I'm a relatively new fan, so sue me) is probably going to be gone in a few weeks. It also hurts when your stick breaks, or you fall down. It hurts when you shy away from a hit because you're too pretty to check. It must hurt knowing that you'll end up withering and dying in a place like Edmonton or Atlanta or something in a package deal, but at least you'll have the other player(s) with you as travel buddies, right? RIGHT?

I'm just trying to numb the pain, buddy. I'm only trying to duck when the shit hits the fan.

Keep your stick on the ice!

Hugs and kisses,
Loser Domi

P.S.: We can still totally be Facebook friends, if you want. I'll send you bacon and invite you to find out which Tansformers Character you are or something.

No Foil Stanley Cup Entry

This weekend I figured I would enter the Puck Daddy No Foil Stanley Cup Replica Contest. I tried making it 3D, but I discovered that newsprint-like construction paper, gluesticks, and scotch tape is not an easy medium to use to make a cup. As a result, I took a few sheets of the paper, glued them all together, and made a flatter Cup. Maybe I can give it to lil Lindros, so he can pretend to have something the real Lindros doesn't.

Check it out!

New post over at Barry Melrose rocks, in which I interview Sidney Crosby. With packing and such, I may throw up a youtube yoinkage but for a while, posts will be sparse.

Going dark

Hey guys! I'll be spending the next few days in Toronto (I'm here now, after a long ass bus ride yesterday.) I'm taking a bit of a break until probably Tuesday at the earliest (but I am doing a little something for BMR, so look out for that.)

What's really exiting is I'll get to meet some of the crazed fans drunken idiots overall cool folks who chill with me over at Pension Plan Puppets.

Loser League? for reals?

Well, that was an unqualified failcake. The loser league--powered by Yahoo!--that I totally forgot about is finally finished.(click to enlarge the final standings)

As you can see, this was the league that everyone forgot existed. However, I am a woman of my word, so when I say:

Now, the person who actually wins the league will receive not only his or her choice LOLeaf, but will receive the entire series (including comments) of his/her choice lovingly bound (read: stapled together).

they will get it. So, whoever was running TheMightySockKickers (I think it was Jared), lemme know which LOLeafs and which series you want, and mailing address, so I can send it out.