LOLeafs: KesseLOL

It's hard for me to do some LOLeafs, what with the season over. But, thanks to google images, it works again! In celebration, here's a massive photospam of Phil Kessel being...Phil Kessel. 

Source is here



source: here


source

source

Phil with Monkia is a pair of screen grabs from this video

photo source: right here

Time To say Goodbye: Matt Stajan

That is still the best damn screencap ever. A year or so ago, I would have taken Stajan's departure much harder. Of course, when a player is featured so much that his tag is the second most often used tag, it means something. I think that we just fell apart, much like how Matt's (late) crown of curls fell out of his head. Despite never really stepping up his game, I think part of me will always have a soft soft for his glorious fuck-me eyes. I wish you the best of luck, Matty. May the soccer balls never hit your face, and may the socks remain soft and kickable.

Great moments in WWoLD History

Matt was a great supporting player here, and as I mentioned, was second only to the youtube tag in popularity. Here's some of his best moments: Taught us all about the dangers of Shirley Temples...had a nice talk to the haters out there...was almost too hot for Ask Lee Stempniak...helped Mikhail Grabovski learn English...was there when Mike Van Ryn needed him most...stuck around even when I tried dumping him before...got his ass tazered at the Year End Leafer Awards...showed us his secret livejournal...taught us all about Earth Hour...showed us why it's called "dope"...reacted poorly to "It's a Wendelful Life"...Did NOT get his blood punched out...threw up on my shoes (in a fictional universe)...tried to find a new BFF after Colaiacovo, Steen, and Wellwood all left him...survived the Amazon with Carlo and Eric Lindros...had a big favor asked of him...had a bad time at Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque...did poorly in Leafer Madness

What I learned from Matt Stajan

There is more to life than being ridiculously good looking. Always work hard, because you never know who is looking over your shoulder. Balls to the face are dangerous.

ah hell, one last time, the eyes:

OMG WTF BRIAN BURKE

TWITTER GOING TOO FAST. EVERYTHING GOING TOO FAST WITH CALGARY! BRAIN CAN'T PROCESS! TYPING LIKE SHATNER IN ALL CAPS! BATMAN GIF IS MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW

There will be proper "Time to say goodbye" posts later, after the dust has settled, but until then ZOMIGOD CAN'T PROCESS

LOLeafs: not so nice edition

As always, original photos by Yahoo!

Holiday Kesstacular, CONCLUSION

(Still at the holiday party of part 4)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry! Maybe I should just give up.
WILSON: What do you mean? “Give up” what?
KESSEL: I’m just not cut out for helping people and volunteering stuff. Grabbo and I are banned from that mall, Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers are dead and Vesa’s in rehab, which means we don’t have an NHL-proven goalie!
WILSON: We had NHL-proven goalies before?
KESSEL: We don’t even have Jonas as a backup since his heart exploded again. I just wreck things.
WILSON: You know what they say Phil—you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, or something like that.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: But Phil, taking down pek-o-file Santa was awesome! Much more awesomer than fighting Kostitsyns.
MATT STAJAN: Thanks to you Phil, I’ll have to either step up my game or fade into the background…(tortured sigh)
NIK HAGMAN: And I know that Vesa will hate us for a while, but in the end he become better man. Or die. Either way.
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: And you take on Hell’s Angels, PhilKessel. Not many people who do that without being dead.
RICKARD WALLIN: And Phil Kessel taught me how to read!
WILSON: Who the hell are you? Get out of here, straggler!
WALLIN: But I’m a player! (WALLIN runs off crying)
WILSON: Anyway, the point is… Phil, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself.
PONIKAROVSKY: And if you have the power of JesusChrist
WILSON: Don’t interrupt me, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry, CoachRonWilson.
WILSON: You see Phil, we all have a special gift to offer everyone, even you. (BRIAN BURKE enters)
BRIAN BURKE: He’s got a special gift? No shit, Sherlock! Why do you think I traded for him, dumbass?
ALL PLAYERS: (gasp) Brian Burke!
BURKE: Ya damn right, dammit. How’s everyone’s holiday?
LEE STEMPNIAK: I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it.
BURKE: Nobody freakin’ cares about your problems, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) Forget it.
BURKE: Phil, I got you so you can score multiple goals in one season. Just remember that.
KESSEL: I think I can be happy here. I know it! Even if I do miss Marc Savard sometimes.
STAJAN: Hey, I could be your buddy, Phil. You know—Marc Savard, Matt Stajan, same initials, right?
BURKE: YOU ARE NO MARC SAVARD, STAJAN!
STAJAN: (cowering) Sorry, sir.
BURKE: Phil, would you like to be on my Olympic team?
KESSEL: Would I? Of COURSE!
BURKE: Well, come on. We’ll find whichever strip club Mike Komisarek’s at and start training.
WALLIN: Yay Phil! You can do it!
WILSON: I thought I told you to get out of here, party crasher!
WALLIN: But I’m part of the Maples Leafs! I play for them!
BURKE: SECURITY! (Security guys come) Give this loser the boots, medium style. (SECURITY drags a crying and protesting WALLIN off the premises and later beat him mercilessly)
WILSON: Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s have a toast—
BURKE: To truculence!
WILSON: DON’T interrupt me!
BURKE: Screw you!
WILSON: SCREW YOU!
(awkward silence)
BURKE:So…you wanna grab some wings or something?
WILSON:Sure, sounds good.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is it being true that you both order wings so spicy they have to clear out the restaurant because they are not safe for other humans?
WILSON and BURKE: Shut it, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry CoachRonWilson and BrianBurke.
(everyone continues to have a good time at the party, and it all worked out in the end.)

THE END

Holiday Kesstacular Part 4!

(SCENE: At the Leafs’ generic holiday party, where WAYNE PRIMEAU and ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY have started arguing)

WAYNE PRIMEAU: Look, Poni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just curious to know what people do for Christmas in Ukraine. Maybe you guys leave out virgins and fish sauce for Santa Claus instead of pickled eggs and beer like we do.

ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry WaynePrimeau, but I was thinking it was milk and cookies people leave for Santa, not pickled eggs and beer.

MATT STAJAN: I was always told milk and cookies.

LEE STEMPNIAK: Me too!

LUKE SCHENN: Milk and cookies here too!

PHIL KESSEL: I left out milk and jerky for Santa….maybe that’s why I never got that bike I wanted.

FRANÇOIS BEAUCHEMIN: In Québec, we leave out a can of Pepsi, some May Wests and a pack of smokes.

PRIMEAU: So wait…what you guys are telling me is that leaving pickled eggs and beer for Santa is weird?

THE OTHER LEAFS: Yes.

PRIMEAU: Hrmm. (shrugs shoulders) Ya learn something new every day, I guess. (NIK HAGMAN and JONAS GUSTAVSSON enter)

NIK HAGMAN: (worried) I just want to warn you guys….usually us Finns are really good with our liquor, but—

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: But not if you are Vesa.

KESSEL: But it’s only, like, eight o’clock. How is he drunk already?

HAGMAN: He must have started earlier, because all I saw him drink was, like, half a daiquiri. (VESA TOSKALA, holding a half-consumed strawberry daiquiri, bursts in the room)

VESA TOSKALA: (drunk, slurring and angry) Oh WHAAAAAAAAT Hagman? Are you talking about you smokin' hot wifey again? Jeeeeez what a surprise!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala, are you ok?

TOSKALA: You shut yer trap, Poni! I’m not the one who’s fallin down and shit on powerplays!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala is right. (sighs)

BEAUCHEMIN: Vesa, you ‘ave been acting like there is somesing wrong wit you. Is there somesing you need to tell us? Maybee you need to say…?

TOSKALA: Look big French dude, I jus’ wanna say…I jus’ wanna say somethings…I am not…gay! Ok? I am secure enough in my heterosezuaity that I can say “hey, that guy over there looks real nice” and, laaike, wear pink, and laaike, do this (TOSKALA deeply French-kisses STEMPNIAK) You see?

PRIMEAU: That makes no sense at all, Vesa. (TOSKALA trips over his own feet)

KESSEL: Hey Vesa, Hags, can we talk over in this other corner for a bit?

TOSKALA: Ya, why? (KESSEL, HAGMAN and TOSKALA go to a separate corner)

HAGMAN: Vesa, we’re pretty worried about you. This season, you’ve just been …

TOSKALA: I knows when I laaike had enough!

KESSEL: I don’t know if you do anymore. I’m worried about you, Vesa. I feel like you’re not the same guy anymore.

TOSKALA: You’s right. Laaike, Vesa’s suc a washed up hack-been (starts crying)

HAGMAN: No, Vesa, we can get you help.

KESSEL: Yeah! I know we can get you help. I know this great place!

TOSKALA: I’s not goings to rehabs!

KESSEL: No, it’s not a rehab place, it’s uh….

HAGMAN: It’s super exclusive night club! Let’s just get in my car, I’ll show you!

(HAGMAN and KESSEL load TOSKALA into a car and dump him in an emergency drug rehab centre, then return to the party)

SCHENN: So Stemper…uh…does the thing with Toskala mean…

STAJAN: Uh…how was it?

STEMPNIAK: Umm….well…a mouth’s a mouth, I guess. It kinda felt like despair and hopelessness, but that might have just been Tosk.

RON WILSON: (with plate of mini butter tarts) You boys enjoying the party? Here, have some mini butter tarts. (STAJAN, STEMPNIAK and SCHENN are relieved at the distraction from a very awkward conversation)

STAJAN: Oh boy! Butter tarts!

STEMPNIAK: I just like the name. Butter tarts.

SCHENN: it's a good name and they are so tasty!

WILSON: Phil! Nik! Glad you two could make it.

HAGMAN: We were here earlier, but Phil and I tooks Vesa to alcohol place.

KESSEL: He was willing! He said so in the car.

HAGMAN: He also says you had a pretty mouth. So?

GUSTAVSSON: So….now I’s only goalie guys for Toronto? (starts looking a bit pale and weak)

STEMPNIAK: Oh no! Jonas! Is your heart exploding again? (GUSTAVSSON faints)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.

KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry!

Will Phil Kessel continue his inability to make a good difference in Toronto? Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to 2009's Holiday Kesstacular!

Holiday Kesstacular, part one!

It's become something of a tradition over here at tWWoLD to have a longer series over the "holidays" time. Last year, it was "It's a Wendelful Life". The year before that, it was "Leafer Madness. " This year, I present to you all the heart-warming story of "Holiday Kesstacular!"

(SCENE: After practice)

RON WILSON: Ok guys, fine practice. Kessel, can I see you in my office for a minute?

PHIL KESSEL: Sure thing, coach.

WILSON: Now Phil, as you know, I’m really big on getting guys to do events in the community, and I was just wondering if you found anything like that here in Toronto.

KESSEL: Well Ron, I’m still getting used to this city. Like yesterday, I was so lost, but I kept saying to myself “If I can find Yonge street, I can know where I am.” Do you have any idea how long that street is, Ron?

WILSON: It’s one of the longest streets in the world, Phil. Goes all the way from Lake Ontario to Barrie.

KESSEL: And the streets are so logical and grid-like—not at all like Boston. I get so confused anytime I try to go out and get milk, let alone trying to found a charity!

WILSON: Fair enough. Schenn and Stajan are going to a school thing tomorrow, teach the kids not to do drugs, drink milk, stay in school, that kind of stuff—you wanna go with them?

KESSEL: Sure, Coach—sounds great.

(THE NEXT DAY, LUKE SCHENN, MATT STAJAN, and KESSEL are in a school auditorium as a generic motivational speaker talks to the students.)

MATT STAJAN: (Drowsily) Holy shit, man, I am so freaking hung over…

LUKE SCHENN: Not so loud, Matt. You can’t let the kids hear that. We’re supposed to be positive role models!

KESSEL: Too many strawberry daiquiris last night, Matt?

STAJAN: I think the lights are humming too loudly…

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Now it’s YOUR turn, kids! What do you want to ask the Toronto Maple Leafs? (Lots of kids raise hands, yell “mememe”) uh, yes, you. (Points at LITTLE BILLY, who stands up)

LITTLE BILLY: Mr. Stajan, how can you justify your position on the team given your rather low score totals, lack of playoff experience, and your tendency for dropping the puck at inopportune times?

STAJAN: Uhhhh….you’re a smart one…

SCHENN: Who wants to see me erase somebody?

KESSEL: Who wants to see me shoot some slappers?

KIDS: I DO! I DO! ME! (etc.)

(later that day…)

STAJAN: Thanks for saving me back there, guys.

SCHENN: Matt, you’ve been doing this for how many years now? You shouldn’t need saving.

KESSEL: That wasn’t so bad. I like working with kids ‘cause I can understand their level of thinking.

STAJAN: Phil, Luke. I’m sorry but…it’s just that…(sighs) You have one Shirley Temple , and you think “Wow, this is so awesome! I want more!” So you do, and then you have another, and another, until you’ve had 10 or 12. Then you realize you can’t feel your lips anymore, it’s three AM and you’re starting to argue with tables and chairs.

KESSEL: Uhh…Matt…

SCHENN: I’m not much of a cocktail kind of guy, but I think a Shirley Temple has no alcohol in it.

STAJAN: …Seriously?

KESSEL: Yeah, I think it’s like, sugar syrup and ginger ale or something with cherries.

STAJAN: …Really? (SCHENN and KESSEL nod.) Well, crap.

SCHENN: To be fair, sugar crashes can be pretty bad, too.

STAJAN: I guess it’s back to Long Island Iced Teas for me. Later, guys. (goes home.)

SCHENN: Yeah, it was an okay time, but I have to head home, Phil. That lucky bamboo won’t water itself. (goes home.)

KESSEL: Later,Matty! Later, Schenners. (WILSON appears from behind a bush.) Coach Ron? Where did you come from?

WILSON: I always need to keep an eye on my players, especially the good ones, like you. How did it go with the kids today, Phil?

KESSEL: It was OK, I guess. But sometimes with speakers and the stuff we did today, the kids who are gonna do drugs and whatever don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t wanna be just another thing they tune out, donchaknow. I want to actually help people.

WILSON: Well, Phil, I’m sure you’ll find your place and special gifts soon enough.

Will Phil Kessel find his special way to help people? Find out in the next chapter of our Holiday Kesstacular!

Matt Stajan talks to the haters.

Several days ago, I received a message in my inbox from one “matt.stajan.rocks@mailingaddresscom". I don’t know if it’s real, but it appears to be from Maple Leafs forward Matt Stajan. So without further ado, take it away, Matty!

(Photo Credit: mapleleafs.com)


Hi folks. I’m Matt Stajan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I know some people might be questioning my abilities to improve this hockey club, so let me set the record straight. This is for all the haters out there, especially you, Eyebleaf—Mr. Sports and the City. Tomas Kaberle doesn’t love you! He’s just after you for your….money? Nah. Good looks? Likely. For using you as a portable manservant? Probably.


Anyway, I know some of you out there on the Internet may be haters hating on me and making negative comments. Some of you say that I look scared and that I should not be eating spaghetti . But you know what? I’m….way off topic, never mind.

Some might suggest that I’m as soft as a creampuff, or a kitten, but so what? Cream puffs are delicious! Kittens are adorable! Not everyone can be a big hulking brute. If I got in a fight and badly cut up, how would the little children with cancer react? They’d freak the hell out, that’s how! Besides, I can be tough. I was tough on environmental stuff when I told people about Earth Hour! You gotta be tough about that kind of thing, right?

And I’m good for team morale. For example, I do impressions which make the team gel and laugh together, so we work better as a team. Here’s me impersonating a tough guy:


here’s me doing an impersonation of Pavel Kubina:
(Photo credit: probably AP/Yahoo, but I've had this one for a while)

and a guy getting laid for the first time ever:

(photo credit: best interview screen grab ever)

See? I’m useful.

Besides, if it wasn’t for me and my ridiculous good looks, all the tweeners and high school ladies of the GTA wouldn’t be fawning over me and the Leafs. They’d be fawning over another player…



That’s right, Jason Spezza. Who would wish more Sens fans upon the world? Who wants more fans of GiggleTits and his psycho laugh? That’s just….wrong.

Well Leafs fans, I got to go. John Mitchell tells me they switched from a regular soccer ball to a Nerf one, so we can’t get hurt as easily. Gotta go practice!

Go Leafs Go!

Matt “Mathew” Stajan

Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.

Ask Lee Stempniak! Too Hot for TV

LEE STEMPNIAK:Hi folks, and welcome to another edition of Ask Lee Stempniak! Today my guests are fellow ice hockey players of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Luke Schenn and Matt Stajan. Welcome to the show, guys.
LUKE SCHENN:Thanks Lee, it's great to be here.
MATT STAJAN: It's great to help you lose 50 bucks, Lee.
SCHENN: 50 bucks? You said you were gonna give me 40...
STEMPNIAK: Haha, not now guys. After the show we can talk about money. Our first question comes to us from Kristen in Hamilton who asks "Dear Lee Stempniak, do you think Jiri Tlusty deserves a shot with the Leafs in the 2009-2010 season?"
STAJAN: (stifled giggle) Tlusty? Well, he certainly is a well-groomed player, if you know what I mean!
SCHENN: Yeah, he can handle his stick well, if you know what I mean!
STEMPNIAK: HA ha! He can really photograph his penis and post it on Facebook, if you know what I mean!
STAJAN:...
SCHENN:...
STEMPNIAK: I'm not doing this right, am I?
STAJAN: Not really.
SCHENN: I'd call that a minor to medium fail.
STEMPNIAK: Well Kristen, I'd say Tlusty has good scoring potential, but he needs some polishing up with the minors. He's still a bit rough around the edges and needs better finesse and a softer touch, which can only come with experience. He's still quick to shoot and panic, and he needs to learn to pace his movements and enjoy himself better. Thoughts, fellas?
STAJAN: That...is what she said!
SCHENN: Man, I don't care if he wins 12 Stanley Cups and scores a billion goals. Those naked wang pics will follow him forever.
STAJAN: Poor guy. I'd almost feel sorry for him if it wasn't so damn funny. Almost.
STEMPNIAK: So...our second question comes to us from Eric in Portland, who asks, "If Matt Stajan's eyes make you want to fuck him, and Luke Schenn's eyes impregnate you and melt your underwear, what happens if they look at each other or into a mirror?"
STAJAN: That is a good question. We could test that out right now, if you want.
SCHENN: I don't know, Matt...
STEMPNIAK: Don't worry, Luke. It's not like anyone can get pregnant here. We're among men. It's all safe, don't worry. But if you do, could you try to smell Matt's hair a bit? (SCHENN and STAJAN look deep into each other's eyes. There is a small explosion and a lot of smoke)
STAJAN: What happened?
SCHENN: I dunno, but I feel really good right now.
STEMPNIAK: Did we all just get laid?
STAJAN: I dunno, but I really need something to drink and a sandwich.
SCHENN:I don't think I can even move after that...but in a good way.
STEMPNIAK: Should we check for undergarments? (they check) Yep, mine are gone.
STAJAN: Same here.
SCHENN: Damn, that was a good pair, too.
STEMPNIAK: Does anyone else here feel like they need a smoke?
STAJAN:I haven't smoked so much as a puff in my life, but that sounds like a good idea.
SCHENN: Guys, I have to ask...does this mean that, technically, we're gay?
STEMPNIAK: I think this might be kinda like if we jacked off in front of each other. There are gay undertones, but we could still give blood in Quebec.
SCHENN: Well, not that there's anything wrong with that--
STEMPNIAK: I have a mirror here. We could see what happens with that.
SCHENN: I dunno if I want to even try it. I don't think I have it in me. What do you think, Matty?
STAJAN: (snoring)
STEMPNIAK:MATT!
STAJAN: Wha? Huh? I'm up.
STEMPNIAK: How could you fall asleep? Don't you care about anyone else's feelings?
STAJAN: I didn't think I was asleep... But jeez, maybe I should go home and have a long nap. See you guys! (leaves)
SCHENN: Yeah, it's getting kinda late, Lee. I should go--
STEMPNIAK:It's 3:30 in the afternoon, Luke.
SCHENN: Well, I'm still on Saskatchewan time, I guess. I should get some lunch. (Leaves)
STEMPNIAK: (sighs, looks sadly at toy cat) Why don't they ever stay, Buttons?

Maple Leafs Chat: ESL 101

***Welcome to Stajan's Place, playing NHL '09 chat room!***
StajanNotCajun: I scored on you, Johnny! Take that!
WhiteLightning: Nice! Can you fist pump in this game?
Schenn_Sational: Wait, guys...we're hockey players. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird we're playing...ourselves?
SonOFAMitch: Nah, it's not weird, 'cuz I can punch Matty in the face all day long and not get tired. It's awesome!
StajanNotCajun: Jerk!
***PoniRides4ABuck and Grab_Bag have entered the chat room!***
***PoniRides4ABuck has dumped off Grab_Bag!***
PoniRides4ABuck: SUCKERS!
***PoniRides4ABuck has left the chat room!***
Grab_bag: Allo Comerades!
WhiteLightning: Ah crap, Ponikarovsky dumped Grabovski on us! Matty, you got any papers you can put down?
SonOFAMitch: Fuck, I'm gonna get fuckin' rabies or something, aren't I?
StajanNotCajun: Come on guys! Grabbo's not a puppy or something, he's just Belorussian.
Schenn_Sational: Yeah, it can't be that hard.
StajanNotCajun: That's what she said!
Grab_Bag: I nos understands "is what she said." Mine english is no good, all broke to shit.
WhiteLightning: Well, what's so difficult to understand, Grabbo?
Grab_Bag: Is Luke who says that, and he has stubble, Adam's Apple, big hands...probably huge cock like horse. Luke is not she, all HE!
StajanNotCajun: "That's what she said" is an expression, it's not a literal thing. It's like...."raining cats and dogs"--cats and dogs don't actually fall from the sky.
Schenn_Sational: Basically "that's what she said" is a sentence that, if someone said it somewhere else, it'd sounds kinda...dirty.
SonOFAMitch:It sounds like something a lady might say before, during, or after you're fuckin' her.
Grab_Bag: But who am I fucking? Who is SHE? Do I pick? I pick...Carmen Electra!
StajanNotCajun: You don't need to actually fuck anyone for "that's what she said" to work.
Grab_Bag: Ahwww...I wanted the Electra...
WhiteLightning: No, Grabbo...like Matty said, it's not a literal thing. It's a pun--you know, a play on words?
Schenn_Sational:It's a pun on a few different levels...here, let me get some paper and a few different colors of markers...
***2 hours later...***
Schenn_Sational: Now, does that make any more sense, Grabbo?
SonOFAMitch: My head hurts...
StajanNotCajun: So much grammar...
WhiteLightning: I'm not sure I understand "That's what she said" any more.
Grab_Bag: A little more sense...no. Not really.
StajanNotCajun: Aw, screw it! I got Die Hard movies and beer. Those don't need much translation. Who wants to order pizza?
Grab_Bag: Yippee-Ki-yay, motherfucker!
Schenn_Sational: See Grabbo, your English is already getting better!

Slashfic Summer: Requiem for a Heartache

This is kind of, sorta a parody of Dream Me for a Tragedy. If you can’t access LiveJournal, it’s a slashfic starring Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal where Staal has HIV (thanks, Wrap!) It was so over the top and melodramatic, I feltI had to do a tribute of my own.

Lee Stempniak was hungry for something mere food couldn’t provide. He and Mike Van Ryn had be only friends when they first met, but coming to Toronto had made them both realize that they had something deeper and more meaningful between them. Lee kissed Mike deeply, his hot tongue probing and pulsating with urgent need.Mike knew what they both wanted and needed, but he also knew something Lee didn’t know, Mike pushed Leeaway. “Lee, no. We can’t...” he added. “What do you mean ‘we can’t’?” asked Lee, flames of desire still burning in his eyes. “Lee”, Mike stammered, “We...”. He sighed. “I have HIV.”

The color drained from Lee’s face. “Oh.” he said. All he could say was ‘Oh.” The pair looked at each other for whatseemed like forever until they both started to cry. With the tears came Mike’s story--a drug addicted nurse injected herself and then her patients, and Mike had the awful luck of being under her care after one of his many injuries. Leestopped sobbing long enough to choke out “But...how did you get to the NHL, where guys are always getting cut andthere’s blood all over, without anyone knowing you have HIV? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Look, this is hard and I think I need some space to think things out. I should leave.”

Mike looked puzzled. “But Lee...isn’t this your house?” he asked

Lee sniffed and answered, “Oh, yeah. Right. Listen, not to be a total dick, but uh...”
Mike stopped him. “Yeah, I’ll get going. So...see you at practice tomorrow?” Lee nodded as Mike left.

The next day at practice, Lee felt like lead. He wondered if anyone else knew about Mike’s HIV. Surely the trainersmust know, since they would be the ones dealing with an injury. Lee’s contemplation was broken by the entrance of Matt Stajan and John Mitchell, joking around as usual.

“...so I’m like, ‘That’s what your mom said!’” laughed Matt.

“Oh man, that’s good”, giggled John “You gotta see this crazy guy I saw last night--I have his picture on my phone.”John turned on his phone and suddenly he yelled, “What the fuck? My phone fuckin’ died on me!”

“Heh, maybe it has teh AIDS”, chuckled Matt.

“Yeah, it’s got phone AIDS” sniggered John.

"You guys shouldn’t joke about that,” Lee interjected. “People die from AIDS every day and it’s not a fun death.”

“People die of cancer all the time--way more than AIDS--and that doesn’t stop Jason Blake from making cancer jokes”, returned John.

Jason turned around at the mention of his name. “That’s different”, he said. “If you make cancer jokes, you’re still an insensitive jerk. If I make cancer jokes, it’s OK because I’ve earned it.. If you survive cancer, you get to make all thecancer jokes you want. You even get a little card and everything.”

Practice went normally, with Lee dutifully fulfilling the role of teammate and player. After the skate, which CoachWilson was going over some plays, Lee realized he couldn’t keep silent anymore. “OK, so Van Ryn, you go--” Lee stood up and cut off his coach.

“And Van Ryn is a jackass!” cried Lee. “Seriously Mike, you thought you could go on forever and not tell anyone you’re sick? What the FUCK, MIKE?!”

Mike tried to defend himself : “Look, my counts are good, “I’m as healthy as I can be--”

Lee cut him off: “How could you be so STUPID, MIKE?” He continued quietly. “How could you be so selfish? All those long, late night talks about honesty and trust and you couldn’t mention ‘Oh, by the way, I have AIDS’?

“I do NOT have AIDS. I have HIV, you asshole!” yelled Mike.

“See, this is why I don’t date teammates” Matt whispered to John.
“You’re gay?” asked John.
“I’m bisexual, asshat”, snorted Matt.

Lee left the room, not caring he was still in full gear, with tears and sobs pouring out of him.

Nothing could have prepared Mike for the visit he had from Matt Stajan the next day. “Mike, “ said Matt, “I dunno how to say this, but...Lee Stempniak died last night. He accidentally fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck.But at least the docs don’t think he suffered at all. The way he landed, he was probably dead before you could say‘Deus ex machina.’”

Mike was stunned. He and Lee were supposed to separate after HIV decaying into AIDS becoming the death sentence, not through some quick and stupid accident.

“I never said I was sorry.” Mike sighed.

Slash Fic Summer Entry: Being Tomas Kaberle

First entry into the contest! I'm not revealing authors until I decide a winner, because I can and I want to be all mysterious-like.

Being Tomas Kaberle

I don't know why everybody in Toronto wants to trade me. All I've ever done is my best for this team, yet the fans care more about some random prospect who might be a good player than an All-Star who loves the city and doesn't care how much money he is making. Lately I've been really hurting inside because of this. What did I do? Whose feelings did I ever hurt? And why do so many people want to hurt mine?

I need to sort this all out, I need somebody to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. Pavel Kubina used to be my go-to guy for this sort of thing. He was always so caring. Always giving me these deep stares from across the room, like he wanted to say something deep and profound but couldn't. No words were ever needed, I just felt safe knowing his eyes were on me. But now he's gone, and I will need a new hetero soulmate if I am ever to get myself through all this pain.

Everyone always talks about what a good guy Matt Stajan is, so I thought maybe I'd ask him for some advice. I found him at the rink handing out puppies to sick kids. "Matt," I said, "what do you do when you are depressed and the whole world seems to be against you?" "Well Tomas," he said, "I just find a big, beautiful pair of eyes to stare into while I pour my heart out and have a good cry. Like when Carlo and Steener were traded, that broke my heart so much." Right then and there I wanted to tell him how beautiful his eyes were, and how I could really use a friend like him, but before I could say anything he pulled out a compact mirror, stared deeply into his own reflection and murmured softly, "Carlo ... Steener ... why?" as he started to weep uncontrollably.

At a loss for what to do, I patted him awkwardly on the head and wandered over to the exercise room to work out my frustrations. Walking in, I spotted Ron Wilson doing his morning workout routine, swinging wildly at a life-sized Howard Berger blowup doll. "Coach Wilson," I asked between haymakers, "I am depressed. Everyone wants me traded. Why?"

"Well Tomas," he said, wiping the blood from his knuckles, "when things don't go well in this town, everyone tries to place blame. Usually they pick the guy they expected to lead the team over the top. And when the team fails, the fans decide they need to go another direction. They decide that player can't help them and must be traded, no matter how talented he is or hard they tried to help the team win.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Are you saying I am that player?”

“Basically,” he said, placing a bloodied hand on my shoulder, “you've become Bryan McCabe."

"Oh," I said. All I could say was "Oh".

Has it really come to this? Am I Bryan McCabe? I wanted to tell Coach Wilson how much I missed Caber and all those nights on the town, and how much he would have loved to have coached a player with such a big heart. But before I could blurt it out, Coach Wilson cut me off. "Sorry Tomas,” he said in a dismissive tone, “I'd love to keep chatting but I've got to go bench press Simmons right now."

Reflecting on my conversation with Coach Wilson, I came to the sudden, sad realization that my time in Toronto may be done. I love this city and this team, but maybe Caber was right, maybe a fresh start isn't as a bad as it first seems. Perhaps I could even join my good friend Kyle Wellwood in Vancouver. After all, he says there is a bakery near the beach with muffins to absolutely die for. Mmm, sweet, gooey, delicious melt-in-your-mouth muffins ... I'm starting to feel better already!

Year End Leafer Awards, FINAL CHAPTER

(NOTE: because I strained my right hand stacking hay, I can't really do any formatting to make this look nice, and typing left handed sucks. Sorry)
part 1
part 2
part 3


WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up and parks with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTINPOGGE inside. They get out)
HOLLWEG: Yo Pogge, you gotta do my welcome speech.
POGGE: Do I have to do the speech?
HOLLWEG: uh, YES. That was the bet!
POGGE: But why do I have to keep doing it?
HOLLWEG: Cuz I’m not the dumbass who thought the Lakers were going to win the Superowl, now am I?
POGGE: (sighs) FINE. A-hem, Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a brush with greatness! He is a legendamong mere mortal men, leaving s trail of wonder, awe, and very satistifed women in his wake. He is better than meat everything, including dancing, arts and crafts, lovemaking, and the guitar. I have no friends, and will never knowthe touch of a woman. I present to you all, the proud owner of a 13 inch penis, Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Good job, Pogge. I knew I kept you around for some reason.
POGGE: I just wish I wouldn’t lose so many bets to you.
HOLLWEG: I can’t help it if you lose so much. I try to keep you on the right path, but no, you just have to keep falling off it.
POGGE: You try to keep me on the right path? Oh bull! I bet you 20 bucks that I won’t gamble for the rest of the day.
HOLLWEG: 20 bucks, huh? You’re on.
POGGE: All right!
HOLLWEG: Well, pay up then.
POGGE: Pay? What...(figureing it out) Oh, you assclown!
HOLLWEG: Do you want to make that double or nothing?
POGGE: Oh, hell’s yes!
HOLLWEG: Well then, where’s my money?
POGGE: But I...see, the thing is...you douche monkey! (pays HOLLWEG the money)
WILSON: Well, Ryan and Justin, I certainly didn’t expect to see you guys here.
HOLLWEG: It’s a Leafs Barbeque, isn’t it?
POGGE: Yeah, so where are our beer, broads and burgers?
WHITE: Oh, Hollweg didn’t herd in the women with his 13 inch penis? That wasn’t very nice of him.
WILSON: But you two are part of the Mariles now, not the Leafs...
HOLLWEG: We played for the Leafs a few times!
POGGE: Isn’t that enough?
WILSON: You know...I think there’s an information session thing over at (mumble) West Street for those who wantto play in the KHL. I think you two could kick ass and take names over there. WHITE : Yeah, and uh... the women are real crazy in bed over there. You’d love it.
MITCHELL: Yeah! Grabbo’s always telling us abut all the crazy stuff they do. Right, Grabbo? (GRABOVSKI saysnothing while clutching his prizes and creepily staring at people, like he has been all afternoon) ...right. WILSON: I think that presentation is starting soon, so you should head over RIGHT NOW.
HOLLWEG: Mumble West? Got it! C’mon, Pogge, let’s score us some crazy hot Russian bitches! (HOLLWEG andPOGGE leave)
STAJAN: Phew, that was close.
MITCHELL: I dunnp which is worse--Pogge marinating in AXE or Hollweg smelling like...Hollweg.
WHITE: Did they kill any of your grass?
WILSON: No, but I think it’s wilted a bit.--CUJO! What the hell? Get Jeff Finger out of my petunias!
JOSEPH: Sorry coach Wilson. (Knocks FINGER unconscious) HE won’t crawl in there and puke again.
BLAKE: I found duct tape! Should we tape him and Kabbie to this tree?
JOSEPH: Good idea! ( JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA duct tape KABERLE and FINGER to the tree. KUBINA finds a Sharpie and draws a Freddie Mercury-style mustche on KABERLE)BLAKE: Heh. Great idea guys. Kubie, how’s yuor sandwich and bum wine?KUBINA:It is good ham sandwich. The drink makes my mouth feel all tingly and numb.
KABERLE: ( drunk Czech/English hybrid babble)
KUBINA: Shhhh, Tomas. You go sleep now.
KABERLE: I love you, muffin!
KUBINA: ...yeah, me too. (JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA leave KABERLE and FINGER taped to the tree.)
BLAKE:What was that all about?
KUBINA: (defensively) What? I like muffins, too! There’s nothing wrong with two guys who like muffins!
BLAKE:I never said there was anytrhing wrong with it! (PONIKARVOVSKY arrives) Poni!PONIKAROVSKY: I’s so sorry guys. First, I got a call there was a lanky Kazakh in Boreger King orderingcheesebourgers for kitties, so I ran there hoping Antro came back. But... it was just some crazy homeless man.
KUBINA: You still miss Nik?
PONIKAROVSKY: Soo much! Grabovski’s ok, but too crazy. And Kulemin just stares at me with open mouth, likegoldfish. But then, after Boreger King, I found I had bad directions to this house. They took me to garbage dumpplace!
WILSON: Weird. Maybe whoever gave you directions didn’t know where my house is.
PONIKAROVSKY: But Coach RonWilson, YOU gave me the directions!
WILSON: Well Alexei, it’s time I was honest. You see, I just don’t like you.
PONIKAROVSKY: But why, Coach RonWilson? I work hard at practice, talk to newspaper people, keep Grabovskifrom killing people. I’s great guy!
WILSON: OK you guys! The old lady is giving me “that look” so you all have to get the hell off my lawn! Get outtahere!
STAJAN: (mockingly) Or what? You’re gonna call Officer Peters to tase my ass again?
WILSON: Don’t get smart with me! Just because you’re man pretty doesn’t mean you can stay here!
KUBINA: Hey guys, we should go in search of fried chicken and large breasted strippers!
BLAKE: I don’t think my wife wouldapprove of that.
KUBINA: Medium breasted strippers?JOSEPH: It sounds good enough for me. Let’s go! (TEAM leaves, except for FINGER and KABERLE)
WILSON: Finger and Kaberle, eh? I hope you boys like playing in Tampa.
END

An Apology to Matt "Mathew" Stajan

Part 4 of Year end awards is coming! I promise!

Dear Matt Stajan,

Look, I know here on the WWoLD, I've put you through some tough times. I've had you cry an awful lot and I even had you tasered. I know, I know, it just doesn't seem fair that I keep doing stuff like this to you, and I want to figure out why I keep doing it. I know it hurts.

But you know what else hurts? Knowing that one of the earliest Leafs players I got attached to (I'm a relatively new fan, so sue me) is probably going to be gone in a few weeks. It also hurts when your stick breaks, or you fall down. It hurts when you shy away from a hit because you're too pretty to check. It must hurt knowing that you'll end up withering and dying in a place like Edmonton or Atlanta or something in a package deal, but at least you'll have the other player(s) with you as travel buddies, right? RIGHT?

I'm just trying to numb the pain, buddy. I'm only trying to duck when the shit hits the fan.

Keep your stick on the ice!

Hugs and kisses,
Loser Domi

P.S.: We can still totally be Facebook friends, if you want. I'll send you bacon and invite you to find out which Tansformers Character you are or something.

Leafer Year End awards, part 3

Part1
Part 2


BLAKE: Well, we should put Kabbie somewhere he’ll be OK. You know, where we won’t step on him or anything.
KUBINA: That sounds like a good idea
BLAKE: Now, I can never remember: is it ok to draw on people ONLY if their shoes are off or on? He’s missing one shoe.
JOSEPH: Beats me. I’ve been drawing on passed out Jeff Finger for 15 minutes.
WILSON: But his shoes are still on!
JOSEPH: But his pants are off! I figure a lack of pants trumps shoes.
STAJAN: Wait...doesn’t Asher Roth say in that song “Don’t pass out with your shoes ON”?
WHITE: But that’s all he says. He doesn’t say anything about getting drawn on.
KUBINA: Besides, he is missing one shoe. Do we draw on only half of him?
BLAKE: Forget it. Let’s just tie him to this tree and steal his wallet or something (BLAKE and KUBINA drag KABERLE to a tree and go in search of tape or rope to tie him there.)

MITCHELL: Matty, how long are you going to wear that stupid mask?
STAJAN: I’m going to wear it as long as I need to. I need to protect myself. Plus, it makes me feel like I should be running around going “Na na na na na na na na na STAJAN!” or something.
WHITE: That would rock. You need a cape, though. (police car arrives, OFFICER PETERS gets out)
WILSON: Well, Officer...Peters. What seems to be the problem?
OFFICER PETERS: We’ve gotten a report of a suspect in a convenience store robbery who may be in this area. We’re looking for a Caucasian male, blond, about 6 foot tall, athletic, and wearing a black leather cat mask..actually, he looked kind of like that guy (Points at STAJAN)
WHITE: But he’s been here the whole time.
MITCHELL: yeah, he’s been here all day--I could vouch for him.
OFFICER PETERS:Is that an open container?
STAJAN: We’re just hanging out, having some beer and stuff--
OFFICER PETERS: Sir! If you come any closer to me, I’ll be forced to tase you!
STAJAN: (as a joke) Don’t tase me, bro. Heh heh (OFFICER PETERS tases STAJAN, who falls on the ground screaming and cursing)
OFFICER PETERS: Recent legstaion states that we are legally allowed to taser anyone who says "Don't tase me bro." Well, everything looks inorder here. Have a good day (OFFICER PETERS leaves)
WHITE: Holy crap! Are you ok, Mat?
MITCHELL: GAH aahahahaha, you got your ass tased, Matty!
STAJAN: Dude, this isn’t funny!
MITCHELL: I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so fuckin hard!
STAJAN: Oh crap, look my hands. They’re shaking like crazy!
WHITE: I kinda wish I had some paint or some cocktails for you to shake up. (from nowhere, the song “Low” by Flo Rida starts)
WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTIN POGGE inside and parks on the lawn. They get out.)

What kind of crazy shenanigans could Pogge and Hollweg bring? Be sure to stay tuned to the same Domi station, some Domi channel.

Year End Leafer Awards, Part 2

Part 1

(KABERLE re-enters the room with a half consumed bottle of tequila)
KABERLE: WOOOO! Let’s get drunk!
KUBINA:I don’t get it, He can drink beers at lunch, drink champagne all night long on NewYear’s Eve, and does vodka shots better than Lindsay Lohan. But when he drinks tequila…BLAKE: So are you saying tequila makes his clothes fall off?
KUBINA: Something like that.

STAJAN: You know something Whitey? I like beer.
WHITE: Mmhmm. Beer is good.
STAJAN: Yeah man, it’s like liquid bread.
MITCHELL: Dude, where the hell is Schener? I wanted to get him shitfaced!
WHITE:I know! That would have been hilarious.
STAJAN: (takes out phone) I’m calling him right now
LUKE SCHENN: Hello?
STAJAN: Schenners, it’s Matty. Why aren’t you here?
SCHENN: Where’s “here”?
STAJAN: The year end awards at Old Man Wilson’s place
WILSON: I heard that!
STAJAN: (To WILSON) No you didn’t! (To SCHENN) So, what’s so much cooler than hanging outwith us?
MITCHELL: Tell him I’ll put mu tongue in his ear!
SCHENN: I’m just in Switzerland and Europe, seeing some sights and stuff.
STAJAN: Whatever Schenny. Say hi to your mother for me. (hangs us on SCHENN, then gets another call) Hello?
WHITE: Matt, I dunno why, but I felt like I had to call you.
STAJAN: Dude, I’m, like, ten feet away. Just say something to me.
WHITE: Sure thing!
STAJAN:Say hi to your mother for me. (BOTH hang up. VESA TOSKALA enters on crutches due to his recent work/surgery. )
WILSON: Vesa! I sure didn’t expect to see you here!
VESA TOSKALA:Well, laaike, The Vesa almost missed you guys so I was laaike “You should go and say hi to them, Vesa.”
STAJAN: Vesa, did you...bedazzle your crutches?
TOSKALA: Well, yanno, when you’re injured, you kinda get bored, so you, laaike, do some crazy things.
WHITE: Is that why you shaved your head?
TOSKALA: Ya, besides, it’s laaike summer already and it gets hot here, unlaaike in Finland. KUBINA: TOMAS! What are you doing?!
KABERLE: SHH! I’m talking to Freddie Mercury! He says he can take me to the Seven Seas ofRhye! Isn’t that awesome?
KUBINA: But--You’re drinking tequila, not rye! You’re not making sense.
KABERLE: We’re here! (attempts to sing the piano intro to Queen’s “Seven Seas of Rhye”.) BLAKE: Kabbie, that’s not a sea. That’s a kiddie pool filled with ice, beer and various winecoolers.
KABERLE: WOOO! (jumps into kiddie pool) It’s such COLD rye, Freddie! (attempts to sing aterrible English/Czech/Drunk slurred version of “Seven Seas of Rhye” while pretending to swim)
BLAKE: Holy crap, Kubina, what did you put into his drink?
KUBINA: NOTHING! I put nothing in his drink! My drink drugging days are over!...Besides all Ihad on me were some Tic-Tacs.
KABERLE: I swear you’ll soon be miiiine...I take you to the seven seas of Rhye! (KABERLE trips over the edge of the pool, falling face first onto the ground)
STAJAN: Kabbie!...THE BEER! Is it ok?
WHITE: The beer is fine, and so is Kabbie...JERK.
KABERLE: Freddie, that was not not cool.
BLAKE: Hey Kabbie, do you know what would be really nice? It’d be really nice if you got somewater or maybe something to eat to go with your tequila.
KUBINA: Oh, he didn’t have that much, just (grabs halfs empty tequila bottle) this much. BLAKE: How is he still standing?
KUBINA: Is Czech thing. We start training young.


Will Kaberle’s tequila-fueled trip be all that’s in store for him? Will there be any surprise guests?Be sure to keep reading for part 3 of the 2009 Year end awards!

The Year end Leafer Awards!

(SCENE: RON WILSON’s backyard. Multiple players for the Leafs are standing or sitting around a patio type place where WILSON and BRIAN BURKE stand next to a table filled with odd trinkets and other junk.)

RON WILSON:Ok you losers, I got an idea of what to do now that the season’s over. Burke and I are gonna give out team awards—
BRIAN BURKE: Even though all you shit sacks deserve is a swift kick in the ass!
WILSON: Whatever.
JASON BLAKE: Can we heckle people?
WILSON: We might as well. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m impressed with you guys today. I never imagined I could get so many of you here upright and wearing pants (A pair of pants is thrown at WILSON and BURKE)
JEFF FINGER: WOO-CHA!
WILSON: DAMMIT FINGER!
FINGER: Simmer down, old man.
WILSON:OK, let’s get this silly pony show on the road so we can start drinking .
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: Poni show?
FINGER: Start drinking? I’ve been drinking since 9 AM.
IAN WHITE: I started at noon…yesterday.
FINGER: I’ve been shit faced for the past week.
BURKE:OK, FINE! First award is the Mount Failamajairo award.
WILSON: This award goes to the player who executed a fail so hard and so epic it’s almost a win. And this award goes to Matt Stajan for getting hit in the face with a soccer ball and missing two weeks.
BURKE:SO come on up, ya fuck faced alter boy! (MATT STAJAN comes to the “stage” and receives his award, which is a black leather bondage mask )

WILSON: Protect those pretty, pretty eyes, Matty.
WHITE: Matty, you so pretty!
STAJAN: Sure thing, just hold my beer so I can put this on (STAJAN puts on mask and sits back down)
WILSON: The next award is the Freddy Mercury award for enthusiasm and dedication to facial hair. This award goes to the player who, uh…does that, and that’s Ian White! (WHITE comes up and takes his award, a tshirt reading “mustache rides—50 cents”)
WHITE: 50 cents? My rides are worth at least a dollar.
STAJAN: You suck! Sit down, you freak!
CURTIS JOSEPH: Take it off! (WHITE begins suggestively dancing and miming taking off his clothing)
BURKE: CUT THAT OUT! Nobody wants to see that!
WILSON: Yeah, save the dick wigging for the after party!
JOSEPH: Somewhere, Jiri Tlusty just got cold chills.
JOHN MITCHELL: Oh man, THAT again?
FINGER: WOOO! Nekkid!
WHITE: Oh man, I’ll just sit down now. (WHITE sits down)
WILSON: Next award is the Crazy Eyes award. This one goes to the craziest looking guy on the squad
BURKE: The Leafs thought they’d have to retire this after Darcy Tucker kept winning it every year, but this season a challenger appeared. So we dusted it off and we’re giving it to Mikhail Grabovski (GRABOVSKI comes and takes the award—a pineapple and a copy of The Shining.)
BLAKE:Oh, fuck you Grabovski!
JOSEPH: Take it off!
(GRABOVSKI says nothing, but accepts his award, gives the crowd a double peace sign the best he can and sits down.)
BURKE: OK, and now we have Boyd Devereaux who wanted to sing some bull shit hippie song or something.
DEVEREAUX: Well, you guys might know how I’m a big music guy—
JOSEPH: Take it off!
DEVEREAUX: Dude, that was only funny the first time. Anyway, here’s a little song I wrote for you guys
(DEVEREAUX: begins a long, looping acoustic guitar solo)
PAVEL KUBINA: What the hell?
STAJAN: Don’t quit your day job, man.
FINGER: FREEBIRD!
WHITE: Hipster douchebag!
TOMAS KABERLE: Your mother’s a dirty whore!
(DEVEREAUX abruptly ends his solo)
DEVEREAUX: Screw you guys! I’m out of here! (leaves)
BURKE: OK, slackers! Next award goes to player most likely to be living in a cardboard box, and that one’s for Pavel Kubina. SO come on up and get half a ham sandwich and a bottle of Mad Dog 20 20.
KUBINA: MMM. Ham. (receives his award and sits down)
WILSON: Now, this next award is for a player who has gained a lot of atten-SCHENN. He deserves recogni-SCHENN for all his act-SCHENN on the ice.
BURKE: In a year of suck, this player caused some jubila-SCHENN and celebra-SCHENN.
WILSON: In fact, I think he should have a big SCHENN-dig to celebrate his success in his first year here. So everyone, let’s give a bit round of applause to….JOHN MITCHELL
MITCHELL: Fuck yea! Awesome! (the rest of the guys are totally silent and shocked)
JOSEPH: …Why did you DO that?
BURKE: To mess with people. It’s not like I need a better excuse.
MITCHELL: Gimme six Schlitzes !
BURKE: We don’t have those.
MITCHELL: Ah fuck it, whatever’s free.
WILSON: Now Johnny, here’s your award—a pack of gum and a rubber band.
BURKE: We’re all outta crap to give you guys, so I’m getting the Hell out of here. Have a good night!
BLAKE: Bye Mr. Scary Irish man!

Be sure to tune in next time for the exciting part 2 of the 2008-2009 Year End Leafer awards

Still alive, and with facts!

I get quite a bit of flack for being a Leafs fan Everybody knows
about how 1967 was the last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup, but they don’t
know much else. In an effort to help you all out, here are 10 Facts about the Toronto
Maple Leafs that I bet you never knew:

1: There isn’t a chin behind Pavel Kubina’s beard, only another stick that’s ready to
break at a bad time.

2: Vesa Toskala lost his virginity before his father did. That’s because Vesa Toskala is
a dirty slut.

3: Tomas Kaberle rubs his skin with a stick of cold, unsalted butter every day to
maintain his rosy cheeked-glow.

4: Luke Schenn was in a mall and accidentally bumped into a woman. Luke apologized
and left. Nine months later, Octomom happened.

5: Curtis Joseph avoids wearing pants whenever possible.

6: Lee Stempniak has a favorite color.

7: Despite his limited grasp on the English language, Mikhail Grabovski’s favorite TV
shows are “The Price is Right” and “Wheel of Fortune”.

8:Matt Stajan listens to Beyonce unironically.

9: Ian White’s mustache has no natural enemies, except a razor.

10: When he’s not on the ice or training, Brad May likes to eat a big bowl of Lucky
Charms while playing the game “Viva Pinata”.

Friday Youtube Yoinkage April 24, 2009

Today's theme is dedications to various players. These are clips that I dedicate players.

Clip one: The Tick suddenly discovers he has a nice mustache. I imagine Ian White went through this clip, word for word:


clip two: "total eclipse of the heart", Dedicated to Matt Stajan ("turn around, bright eyes...") as I imagine John (Fuckin) Mitchell would sing it (naturally, lyrics NSFW):



clip three:Watching the final Habs/Bruins game Wednesday night, for some reason I thought of the song "Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus. This makes no sense if you know that Carey Price is a huge George Strait fan, but bear with me.