Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over

TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque, Part 2

(RAYCROFT and MAURICE are sitting away from everyone else, sharing massive bong hits.)
RAYCROFT:Wow, Coach, I never would have thought that if you smoked enough weed, Bob Marley music doesn't sound like total shit.
MAURICE: Isn't it surprising, Rayray?
RAYCROFT: You know I got some serious munchies after smoking all that weed, man.
MAURICE: Yeah, we gotta get something to eat, I'm thinking some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky--
RAYCROFT: See, I'm more of a sweets guy—I was thinking more like some peanut butter, and getting some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, making sure it's chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man.
MAURICE: And some popcorn, red popcorn, whatever red popcorn is—
RAYCROFT:graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars so we can make s'mores, man.
MAURICE: Also, celery—
RAYCROFT: Grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries—
MAURICE: And pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons...
RAYCROFT: Oooh boy, Funyons! Let's get 'em!
MAURICE:(while leaving with Raycroft) OK guys, we'll be back, we're just, umm..Raray, what are we doing?
RAYCROFT:We're getting munchies!
MAURICE:Yeah! (The pair leave and after a block or so they encounter ANDY WOZNIEWSKI standing on the sidewlk looking at a stop sign)
RAYCROFT:WOZ!
WOZNIEWSKI: Ray-ray!
MAURICE: Well, there's no traffic, so let's go
RAYCROFT:Coach what are you doing?!
MAURICE: What's so wrong?
RAYCROFT: Coach, that's a “stop” sign, not a “go” sign! It tells us to stop. We have to wait until it says “go” before we can go!
WOZNIEWSKI :I've been waiting here for twelve hours and it hasn't changed yet. (TOMAS KABERLE rounds the corner)
KABERLE: Hey guys.
ALL: Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: What..the hell are you guys doing staring at that stop sign?
MAURICE: Well, the sign tells us to stop. We're waiting for it to say go so we can go.
KABERLE: It already says go
ALL:huh?
KABERLE: See, you take the “S” and flip the bottom part and that makes a “C” like curve
WOZNIEWSKI :uh-huh...
KABERLE: then you take da top of the “T” and you put it here, and that makes a “G”. The you bring down the “O” and it says “GO”
WOZNIEWSKI: But what about the other lines?
KABERLE: Those turn into exclamation points
ALL: ohhhh... so we can go now?
KABERLE: Yes, you are free.
ALL: Yay! (they leave KABERLE alone)
KABERLE: ugh. Is just like dealing with Bryan McCabe.
McCABE: (in distance) Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: Hi, Bryan. Hi everybody!


(STAJAN, WELLWOOD, and STEEN have come off their acid trips and are underneath a tree wrapped around each other in the fetal position)
WELLWOOD: Am I the only one who has no idea what just happend?
STAJAN: I dunno—I'm more worried that we're all curled up in the fetal position together on Bryan McCabe's lawn.
STEEN: As long as it wasn't a gay orgy, I think we're ok.
WELLWOOD:Unless we were on acid, in which case we probably killed a hobo or something, if those health class videos taught me anything.
STAJAN: is three people even enough for an orgy?
WELLWOOD: I don't know, and to be honest, I'd rather just forget that this happened and we just go on like normal.
STEEN and STAJAN: Fair enough, ok.
ANTROPOV: Hey, guys.
WELLWOOD: Where have you been
ANTROPOV: What you mean? me and Poni been standing here this whole time.
PONIKAROVSKY: HI!
STAJAN: So you saw....whatever it was me, Alex, and Kyle were doing?
TUCKER: I saw it all, too. It was more entertaining than an episode of Lost.
STEEN : Oh Sweet Jesus, no.
TUCKER: Don't worry, boyos. It's not like I videotaped the whole thing and will be shortly posting it all on YouTube or anything. (to self) Mental note: when you get home, register domain name www.leafersluts.com
ANTROPOV:Whatever. Me and Poni had brainstorm after season ended.
PONIKAROVSKY : Yeah! We make millions with this idea!
STAJAN:Don;t you guys already make millions playing hockey?
ANTROPOV: you have to think for future, Matty. After you get injured or whatever.
PONIKAROVSKY: we invent Vodka Water! It's rehydrates your body and gets you drunk enough stop your soul from hurting!
WELLWOOD:Vodka water?
STEEN:Isn't that just perpetuating stereotypes of ex-Soviets as drunks?
PONIKAROVSKY :...So? Do you have point?
ANTROPOV: it's stuff me and Poni sometime brewed in hotel bathtubs during road trips starting way back with Dynamo Moscow. (fills cups from suspicious jugs and hands them to everyone around, who takes a drink accompanied by sounds of coughing and retching)
STAJAN:gahhh...ow! I's sloshed just by shmelling all that.
WELLWOOD: heh. Wuss. (takes drink) OH GOD!
STEEN:I think a bit of my soul just died.
TUCKER:Hmmm...(sniffs without drinking) Hey Bryan! I got a present for you!
McCABE:Really?
TUCKER:Yeah, it's stuff Nik and Poni brought. Bottoms up, buddy! (hands cup to McCABE, who downs it in one gulp)
McCABE:owieowieowieowieowie!
TUCKER:It's ok, Bryan.
McCABE:ischadingo-schluuuuurrrrrp!!
TUCKER: come again?
McCABE: I shad, dingy-bingy schnisiniffner!
TUCKER:oh, ok. (sirens) Oh, SHIT! it's the Po-po! we're dead!
STAJAN: Fuck da police!
WELLWOOD:, nah, HELP, help, help da police! heheheheh
KABERLE: I shows you all now why my “A” is for “awesome” Hey Bryan, can you do me a favour?
TUCKER: Wait, where did you come from?
McCABE: What, Kabs?
KABERLE: Can you alphabetize these Skittles for me? (opens bag of Skittles onto ground next to McCABE)
McCABE: Okie-dokie, good buddy! (becomes engrossed by Skittles)
KABERLE: That should buy us at least an hour to talk to the police and make them go away.
POLICE OFFICER: ok, gentlemen, we received a report of a kick-ass party that you didn't invite me to—would you mind explaining that to me?
KABERLE: wait a second...
ANTROPOV: Why is “police” spelled P-O-L-E-E-S-E?
STAJAN: It's not police at all!
McCABE: Kabbie, I'm done! I even alphabetized them by colour since I was bored!
KABERLE: Alphebetized...by colour?! The stupid make my head hurt...
TUCKER: You're no popo, you're...
POLICE OFFICER: That's right, I'm (takes off fake police uniform) TIE DOMI, MOTHERFUCKERS!

(part 3 to come eventually)

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, April 11, 2008

This week's FYY theme is the man who inspired this blog, Mr.Tie Domi. But first, a bit of explanation/origin story. For years, Tie Domi was one of about five hockey players my (now ex-) boyfriend knew about. That's 5 TOTAL--not 5 Leafs guys, not 5 (then active) players. Five in total (he's not really much of a hockey guy.) As a result Tie Domi become something of an inside joke between us. About a year and a half ago,he sent me a link to a Deadspin story that was a preview of a Jets-Patriots game. The line he selected was something along the lines of, "But the head coahes really hate each other. Personally, I'd love to see Magini pull down Bilichek's sweatshirt and beat his ass like Tie Domi." This line got me reading Deadspin, and eventually into sports blogging in general. Then, when I decide to join the ranks of idiots hammering knuckles on keyboards (my parents don't even have a basement that I can use a computer in, sorry) I figured that since there was already a "Tie" Domi, "Loser" would be the next logical step off that. So let's pay tribute to the inspiration of this here blog.

Clip one:I have no idea when or where this footage was taken, but Tie dancing with Martin Brodeur is too great to pass up:


clip two: Tie probably thinks that Cuba Gooding, Jr. needs to either switch to decaf or lay off the meth/crack after this. But it's still a good cause:


clip three: Tie Domi in a shootout (or someth) I just love the smirk on his face when he comes out:

November 23 is Friday Youtube Goodness Day!

This clip is from a few years back (Hell, it features Tie Domi, Trevor Kidd, Tom Fitzgerald and Ken Klee) when Conan O’Brien trained with these Leafers. I’m honestly surprised that Gary Bettman hasn’t thought of the “small piece of furniture on odd numbered nights” yet. My personal highlights are the following: the new equipment, Trevor Kidd’s “magic trick”, and Conan trying to score. Maybe it’s him in a Leafs sweater, but he seems to really look like Wade Belak to me. Maybe I just need to get more sleep.



A few weeks ago I put up this video. It turns out that Scotty Hockey had a better Granger ad up his sleeve. I felt obliged to put it here:


Nothing to really do with hockey, except 1)it was over at wayoffside
and 2) it's greatness in a can:

Go Puck Yourself

(So sorry for the long post, but I can't figure out how to do a jump yet. Again, I apologize.)

Imagine, if you will, a world in which Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi are given a television talk show to host. This is what I think that world would be like.


Announcer Guy: …and now here are the hosts of “Go Puck Yourself”, Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi! (Darcy and Tie walk out onto a stage that is minimally decorated, but with 2 chairs and a large sack and sit down. Imaginary audience cheers and applauds.)
Darcy Tucker: ‘Morning
Tie Domi: How’s it goin’? (etc.)
Tucker: So yeah, welcome to Go Puck Yourself. I’m Darcy Tucker and he’s Tie Domi
Domi: But enough about us— let’s start the show. (opens a sack filled with letters) Today’s letter comes from Eric VanDerLing of Sookasoul, Wisconsin. Eric asks, “Dear Darcy, would you ever engage in a cage fight with Sean Avery for charity? I think it would be kick-ass.” The guy’s right—it would be pretty kick-ass.
Tucker: For charity? Hells’ bells, I’d do it for free, especially after the cancer thing.
Domi: It was a supremely douchey move, to say the least.
Tucker: It totally was! Now I have to get him back somehow, I have to … (thinking)
Domi: I smell burning, Tucks.
Tucker:I got it! Domi-what’s the only type of joke that’s even more crass than a cancer joke?
Domi: A dead baby joke?
Tucker: Um…besides that. You know what it is? An AIDS joke! It’s so simple! All I have to do is somehow infect Sean Avery with AIDS and then we can makes AIDS jokes about him. That’ll show him to make fun of Jason Blake!
Domi: How does that mean you win? Yeah making fun of cancer isn’t cool, but infecting someone with a deadly disease is just…cruel and heartless. It’s just wrong, Tucks. It’s wrong!
Tucker: If Avery had thought of it first he would use it!
Late on at Avery’s place…
Domi: What are we doing here, again?
Tucker:What does it look like? I’ve got this bucket of AIDS infected blood and I’m going to throw it at Avery when he opens the door.
Domi: Where did you…I shouldn’t even ask.
Tucker: Hammerspace is a wonderful thing, Domi
Domi: I meant where did you get…never mind.
Tucker: (rings doorbell) Housecleaning!
Domi: Mormons!
Tucker: No, Domi—we’re trying to get him to open the door, remember?
Domi: What’s with this “we” business? Screw this, I’m getting out of here. (Domi leaves, Sean Avery opens the door and walks out)
Avery: Hello…that’s a bucket of blood you’re going to throw at me, isn’t it? Lovely cashmere throw for protection!
Tucker: SHIT! Not the lovely cashmere throw!

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus
Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of…

Avery: (screams in terrible pain)
who fell onto the ground writhing in pain
Avery: NOO!! No longer will I be able to bone hot blonds!
Tucker: Nice work, Chuck—(Chuck Norris administers a double-reverse-roundhouse kick to Tucker, who then falls on the ground, bloody and unconscious. Domi enters from behind a potted plant of some sort.)
Domi: Thanks for coming in, Chuck. I was afraid that was going to get out of hand really easily. And oh yeah, Chuck, could you do one more thing for me? (Domi attempts to squirt lemon juice into Chuck’s eyes to get him to cry but gets a punch in the face instead. Chuck walks away)
Chuck: You think I would fall for the old, "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer" bit? I beseech you, Domi
END