Year End Leafer Awards, FINAL CHAPTER

(NOTE: because I strained my right hand stacking hay, I can't really do any formatting to make this look nice, and typing left handed sucks. Sorry)
part 1
part 2
part 3


WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up and parks with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTINPOGGE inside. They get out)
HOLLWEG: Yo Pogge, you gotta do my welcome speech.
POGGE: Do I have to do the speech?
HOLLWEG: uh, YES. That was the bet!
POGGE: But why do I have to keep doing it?
HOLLWEG: Cuz I’m not the dumbass who thought the Lakers were going to win the Superowl, now am I?
POGGE: (sighs) FINE. A-hem, Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a brush with greatness! He is a legendamong mere mortal men, leaving s trail of wonder, awe, and very satistifed women in his wake. He is better than meat everything, including dancing, arts and crafts, lovemaking, and the guitar. I have no friends, and will never knowthe touch of a woman. I present to you all, the proud owner of a 13 inch penis, Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Good job, Pogge. I knew I kept you around for some reason.
POGGE: I just wish I wouldn’t lose so many bets to you.
HOLLWEG: I can’t help it if you lose so much. I try to keep you on the right path, but no, you just have to keep falling off it.
POGGE: You try to keep me on the right path? Oh bull! I bet you 20 bucks that I won’t gamble for the rest of the day.
HOLLWEG: 20 bucks, huh? You’re on.
POGGE: All right!
HOLLWEG: Well, pay up then.
POGGE: Pay? What...(figureing it out) Oh, you assclown!
HOLLWEG: Do you want to make that double or nothing?
POGGE: Oh, hell’s yes!
HOLLWEG: Well then, where’s my money?
POGGE: But I...see, the thing is...you douche monkey! (pays HOLLWEG the money)
WILSON: Well, Ryan and Justin, I certainly didn’t expect to see you guys here.
HOLLWEG: It’s a Leafs Barbeque, isn’t it?
POGGE: Yeah, so where are our beer, broads and burgers?
WHITE: Oh, Hollweg didn’t herd in the women with his 13 inch penis? That wasn’t very nice of him.
WILSON: But you two are part of the Mariles now, not the Leafs...
HOLLWEG: We played for the Leafs a few times!
POGGE: Isn’t that enough?
WILSON: You know...I think there’s an information session thing over at (mumble) West Street for those who wantto play in the KHL. I think you two could kick ass and take names over there. WHITE : Yeah, and uh... the women are real crazy in bed over there. You’d love it.
MITCHELL: Yeah! Grabbo’s always telling us abut all the crazy stuff they do. Right, Grabbo? (GRABOVSKI saysnothing while clutching his prizes and creepily staring at people, like he has been all afternoon) ...right. WILSON: I think that presentation is starting soon, so you should head over RIGHT NOW.
HOLLWEG: Mumble West? Got it! C’mon, Pogge, let’s score us some crazy hot Russian bitches! (HOLLWEG andPOGGE leave)
STAJAN: Phew, that was close.
MITCHELL: I dunnp which is worse--Pogge marinating in AXE or Hollweg smelling like...Hollweg.
WHITE: Did they kill any of your grass?
WILSON: No, but I think it’s wilted a bit.--CUJO! What the hell? Get Jeff Finger out of my petunias!
JOSEPH: Sorry coach Wilson. (Knocks FINGER unconscious) HE won’t crawl in there and puke again.
BLAKE: I found duct tape! Should we tape him and Kabbie to this tree?
JOSEPH: Good idea! ( JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA duct tape KABERLE and FINGER to the tree. KUBINA finds a Sharpie and draws a Freddie Mercury-style mustche on KABERLE)BLAKE: Heh. Great idea guys. Kubie, how’s yuor sandwich and bum wine?KUBINA:It is good ham sandwich. The drink makes my mouth feel all tingly and numb.
KABERLE: ( drunk Czech/English hybrid babble)
KUBINA: Shhhh, Tomas. You go sleep now.
KABERLE: I love you, muffin!
KUBINA: ...yeah, me too. (JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA leave KABERLE and FINGER taped to the tree.)
BLAKE:What was that all about?
KUBINA: (defensively) What? I like muffins, too! There’s nothing wrong with two guys who like muffins!
BLAKE:I never said there was anytrhing wrong with it! (PONIKARVOVSKY arrives) Poni!PONIKAROVSKY: I’s so sorry guys. First, I got a call there was a lanky Kazakh in Boreger King orderingcheesebourgers for kitties, so I ran there hoping Antro came back. But... it was just some crazy homeless man.
KUBINA: You still miss Nik?
PONIKAROVSKY: Soo much! Grabovski’s ok, but too crazy. And Kulemin just stares at me with open mouth, likegoldfish. But then, after Boreger King, I found I had bad directions to this house. They took me to garbage dumpplace!
WILSON: Weird. Maybe whoever gave you directions didn’t know where my house is.
PONIKAROVSKY: But Coach RonWilson, YOU gave me the directions!
WILSON: Well Alexei, it’s time I was honest. You see, I just don’t like you.
PONIKAROVSKY: But why, Coach RonWilson? I work hard at practice, talk to newspaper people, keep Grabovskifrom killing people. I’s great guy!
WILSON: OK you guys! The old lady is giving me “that look” so you all have to get the hell off my lawn! Get outtahere!
STAJAN: (mockingly) Or what? You’re gonna call Officer Peters to tase my ass again?
WILSON: Don’t get smart with me! Just because you’re man pretty doesn’t mean you can stay here!
KUBINA: Hey guys, we should go in search of fried chicken and large breasted strippers!
BLAKE: I don’t think my wife wouldapprove of that.
KUBINA: Medium breasted strippers?JOSEPH: It sounds good enough for me. Let’s go! (TEAM leaves, except for FINGER and KABERLE)
WILSON: Finger and Kaberle, eh? I hope you boys like playing in Tampa.
END

Leafer Year End awards, part 3

Part1
Part 2


BLAKE: Well, we should put Kabbie somewhere he’ll be OK. You know, where we won’t step on him or anything.
KUBINA: That sounds like a good idea
BLAKE: Now, I can never remember: is it ok to draw on people ONLY if their shoes are off or on? He’s missing one shoe.
JOSEPH: Beats me. I’ve been drawing on passed out Jeff Finger for 15 minutes.
WILSON: But his shoes are still on!
JOSEPH: But his pants are off! I figure a lack of pants trumps shoes.
STAJAN: Wait...doesn’t Asher Roth say in that song “Don’t pass out with your shoes ON”?
WHITE: But that’s all he says. He doesn’t say anything about getting drawn on.
KUBINA: Besides, he is missing one shoe. Do we draw on only half of him?
BLAKE: Forget it. Let’s just tie him to this tree and steal his wallet or something (BLAKE and KUBINA drag KABERLE to a tree and go in search of tape or rope to tie him there.)

MITCHELL: Matty, how long are you going to wear that stupid mask?
STAJAN: I’m going to wear it as long as I need to. I need to protect myself. Plus, it makes me feel like I should be running around going “Na na na na na na na na na STAJAN!” or something.
WHITE: That would rock. You need a cape, though. (police car arrives, OFFICER PETERS gets out)
WILSON: Well, Officer...Peters. What seems to be the problem?
OFFICER PETERS: We’ve gotten a report of a suspect in a convenience store robbery who may be in this area. We’re looking for a Caucasian male, blond, about 6 foot tall, athletic, and wearing a black leather cat mask..actually, he looked kind of like that guy (Points at STAJAN)
WHITE: But he’s been here the whole time.
MITCHELL: yeah, he’s been here all day--I could vouch for him.
OFFICER PETERS:Is that an open container?
STAJAN: We’re just hanging out, having some beer and stuff--
OFFICER PETERS: Sir! If you come any closer to me, I’ll be forced to tase you!
STAJAN: (as a joke) Don’t tase me, bro. Heh heh (OFFICER PETERS tases STAJAN, who falls on the ground screaming and cursing)
OFFICER PETERS: Recent legstaion states that we are legally allowed to taser anyone who says "Don't tase me bro." Well, everything looks inorder here. Have a good day (OFFICER PETERS leaves)
WHITE: Holy crap! Are you ok, Mat?
MITCHELL: GAH aahahahaha, you got your ass tased, Matty!
STAJAN: Dude, this isn’t funny!
MITCHELL: I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so fuckin hard!
STAJAN: Oh crap, look my hands. They’re shaking like crazy!
WHITE: I kinda wish I had some paint or some cocktails for you to shake up. (from nowhere, the song “Low” by Flo Rida starts)
WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTIN POGGE inside and parks on the lawn. They get out.)

What kind of crazy shenanigans could Pogge and Hollweg bring? Be sure to stay tuned to the same Domi station, some Domi channel.

Cooking with the NHL, part two

I know it’s been a long time since the last volume of cooking with the NHL, but I keep getting recipes from people.

Max Talbot’s Oreo Cheesecake
1: Buy a plain cheesecake. Make sure you throw out the box so they think you made it yourself.
2: Crumble Oreos on top of it
3: pour chilled Boone’s farm (any flavor) into your finest dollar store serving glasses
4: wait for the hot bitches to arrive.

Eggs a la Hollweg
(interesting story: An odd young man smelling faintly of bacon grease and pickles with a greasy mullet and wannabe pirate mustache stopped me one day and pressed a greasy napkin into my hand. On that napkin was the following recipe, hastily scribbled. I have yet to see that man again)
I eat this often an it’s pretty tasty.
Ingrediants:
Pot of water
Salt
Ketchup
Buttload of eggs

1: get a pot full of water and put it on a hotplate.
2: throw in some salt. I dunno how much cuz I don’t mess around with fairy shit like “smidgen.”
3: put in your eggs, shell an all in the pot. Cover the pot
4: put on “2 girls 1 cup” (Dir. R. Hollweg), jerk off an fall asleep
5: wake up 2 hours later
6: how the fuck did I burn eggs?
7: say “fuck it” an call Dominoes

Kyle Wellwood’s English muffin pizzas
You know, I’ve enjoyed English muffin pizzas for a long time, but since I joined the Canucks, I’ve discovered a whole new twist!
You will need:
English muffins
Ketchup (or spaghetti sauce if you’re feeling fancy)
Cheese (whatever kind you like, personally I use the square kind in the little wrappers)
BBQ potato chips, crushed
“Vancity spice”, as desired

1: cut the English muffins and put them on a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil
2:cover muffins with ketchup, “Vancity spice”, cheese, chips, more “Vancity spice” (Note: I’ve also used different toppings in addition to these, like bacon, peppers, and a can of frosting. Feel free to play around with the ingredients a bit if you like.)
3: bake in oven at 425 F for about 15 minutes or until the muffins are toasted and the cheese is melted, or until you just can’t wait to eat them.

Antro Poni Awesome show, Episode 3: Moving On

(SCENE: ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY and RYAN HOLLWEG are sitting on a pair of metal folding chairs in PONIKARVOSKY’S basement. Behind HOLLWEG’s chair is a life sized cardboard standup of NIK ANTROPOV. An old video camera is mounted on a tripod, filming the pair)

PONIKAROVSKY: Hallo and welcomes to Poni Super Awesome Sho that is Excellent. Thanks to trade deadline, there is no Antro (almost cries) so I need new cohost. Today I bring you Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Thanks for having me Poni, but uh, this Antro cut out is kinda creeping me out. It’s like the eyes just stare into your soul—
PONIKAROVSKY: THERE’S NO MOCKING ANTRO!
HOLLWEG: Look, I know you’re probably still hurting over the trade, but—
PONIKAROVSKY: NEVER MIND! Now, what is it like on Marlies Squad?
(into to Like a Boss--lyrics NSFW-- comes out of nowhere)
HOLLWEG: Nothing special.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is a typical day for Marlies like playing for the Leafs?
HOLLWEG: Well, it’s pretty similar, but there are some differences.
PONIKAROVSKY: like what?
HOLLWEG: well, the first thing I do is…

Slick my hair back (Like a Boss!)
With Bacon grease (Like a Boss!)
Drink some coffee (Like a Boss!)
Work my gluets (Like a Boss!)
Mock Tlusty (Like a Boss!)
Eat some pickles (Like a Boss!)
Cross check old ladies (Like a Boss!)
From behind (Like a Boss!)
Hit on puck sluts (Like a Boss!)
Get rejected (Like a Boss!)
Baloney sandwich (Like a Boss!)
Check my email (Like a Boss!)
No messages (Like a Boss!)
Start a fight (Like a Boss!)—oh shit, man I can’t fuckin do it sheeeeeiiit
Get my ass kicked (Like a Boss!)
Prank call Pogge (Like a Boss!)
Fifth of whiskey (Like a Boss!)
Piss on some lady (Like a Boss!)
Shoot myself (Like a Boss!)
In the face (Like a Boss!)
Now I’m dead!

PONIKAROVSKY: And this is normal day for you?
HOLLWEG: Hell yeah
PONIKAROVSKY: You piss on ladies and died?
HOLLWEG: I’m Like a Boss!
PONIKAROVSKY: Yea, you say dat like a thousand times.
HOLLWEG: Like a Boss!
PONIKAROVSKY: Schenn, get out here! (LUKE SCHENN appears and knocks HOLLWEG to the ground)
SCHENN: You are now carrying my child.

Friday YouTube Yoinkage, March 6 2009

Today's theme is fun with media types.

clip one: announcer Randy Moller has some fun calling goals for the Florida Panthers.


clip two: Ryan Hollweg does a pretty good Chris Farley impersonation. This almost makes him squee worthy. Almost


clip three: Jeremy Williams, Alexei Ponikarovsky and Nik Antropov (WAH!) talk about...random stuff

It's a Wendelful life, the conclusion!

part one
Part two
CLARK: Tell me Tomas, you ever feel worried for the future of the Leafs? Are you ever worried about who will lead them if you’re not there?
KABERLE: I’m sure the leafs will find someone competent to be captain
CLARK: Did you know that three months after you died, Hollweg got the Captain’s C?
KABERLE: Hollweg? No….
CLARK: yes. It kinda blindsided everyone
KABERLE:No! It can’t happen! I can’t die! I have to stop Ryan Hollweg from becoming captain! Wendel—thank you, for showing me—
CLARK: Don’t mention it. But since you almost went through with a suicide by Wendel, I am gonna hafta punch out at least half of your blood. But I’ll leave some towels, and some juice and cookies—like when you donate blood—to make you feel better.
KABERLE: I suppose that is the best I could hope for. It seems a fair compromise (CLARK proceeds to punch out precisely half of KABERLE ‘s blood. KABERLE wakes up half a day later in his kitchen.)

KABERLE: (groggy) uhhhh God I feel terrible...but Wendel did leave me a bunch if towels on the floor and both a carton of orange juice and a bag of Oreos on the counter. He may be an unstoppable killing machine but at least he’s a man of his word. Wait a minute... I can feel pain again! I’M ALIVE! (Stands up) I’m ALIVE and...dizzy as hell, but still alive. I better take the juice and cookies with me (grabs juice and cookies) I have to tell people I’m still alive! (KABERLE runs out the door while periodically drinking form the juice bottle and eating cookies)
KABERLE: I’m still alive! Go Leafs go! GO LEAFS GO! (runs into light post)
BYSTANDER: You ok? You hit that light post pretty hard
KABERLE: (shakes head) I think that undid the Janssen hit! I can cross check without fear now!(checks BYSTANDER to the ground) GO LEAFS GO! (KABERLE continues as such until he reaches the practice rink, where the team has just finished training for the day)
STAJAN: Oh good, Kabby, you are ok. We tried calling and didn’t get any answers.
KABERLE: Oh Matt, you aren’t drunk are you?
STAJAN: No...why would I be drunk? I never drink before noon—
KABERLE: Oh thank GOD! And Lee, Lee Stempniak, nobody shot you in the face!
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no, last time I checked my face was still whole
(HOLLWEG enters talking to MITCHELL)
HOLLWEG: so then I say to her ‘Babe , the way things are going in the Leafs, I could be the next captain of the Leafs’
KABERLE :(To Stajan) Here, hold these (hands over cookies and juice) (to HOLLWEG) You’ll be captain over my dead body (KABERLE ninja kicks HOLLWEG in the face, knocking him unconscious)
STAJAN: Wow Kabs, that was kick ass!
STEMPNIAK: More like kick face!
MITCHELL: that was probably the awesomest thing I have ever seen you do...ever

Oh, you Crazy LOLeafs!