Holiday Kesstacular, CONCLUSION

(Still at the holiday party of part 4)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry! Maybe I should just give up.
WILSON: What do you mean? “Give up” what?
KESSEL: I’m just not cut out for helping people and volunteering stuff. Grabbo and I are banned from that mall, Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers are dead and Vesa’s in rehab, which means we don’t have an NHL-proven goalie!
WILSON: We had NHL-proven goalies before?
KESSEL: We don’t even have Jonas as a backup since his heart exploded again. I just wreck things.
WILSON: You know what they say Phil—you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, or something like that.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: But Phil, taking down pek-o-file Santa was awesome! Much more awesomer than fighting Kostitsyns.
MATT STAJAN: Thanks to you Phil, I’ll have to either step up my game or fade into the background…(tortured sigh)
NIK HAGMAN: And I know that Vesa will hate us for a while, but in the end he become better man. Or die. Either way.
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: And you take on Hell’s Angels, PhilKessel. Not many people who do that without being dead.
RICKARD WALLIN: And Phil Kessel taught me how to read!
WILSON: Who the hell are you? Get out of here, straggler!
WALLIN: But I’m a player! (WALLIN runs off crying)
WILSON: Anyway, the point is… Phil, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself.
PONIKAROVSKY: And if you have the power of JesusChrist
WILSON: Don’t interrupt me, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry, CoachRonWilson.
WILSON: You see Phil, we all have a special gift to offer everyone, even you. (BRIAN BURKE enters)
BRIAN BURKE: He’s got a special gift? No shit, Sherlock! Why do you think I traded for him, dumbass?
ALL PLAYERS: (gasp) Brian Burke!
BURKE: Ya damn right, dammit. How’s everyone’s holiday?
LEE STEMPNIAK: I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it.
BURKE: Nobody freakin’ cares about your problems, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) Forget it.
BURKE: Phil, I got you so you can score multiple goals in one season. Just remember that.
KESSEL: I think I can be happy here. I know it! Even if I do miss Marc Savard sometimes.
STAJAN: Hey, I could be your buddy, Phil. You know—Marc Savard, Matt Stajan, same initials, right?
BURKE: YOU ARE NO MARC SAVARD, STAJAN!
STAJAN: (cowering) Sorry, sir.
BURKE: Phil, would you like to be on my Olympic team?
KESSEL: Would I? Of COURSE!
BURKE: Well, come on. We’ll find whichever strip club Mike Komisarek’s at and start training.
WALLIN: Yay Phil! You can do it!
WILSON: I thought I told you to get out of here, party crasher!
WALLIN: But I’m part of the Maples Leafs! I play for them!
BURKE: SECURITY! (Security guys come) Give this loser the boots, medium style. (SECURITY drags a crying and protesting WALLIN off the premises and later beat him mercilessly)
WILSON: Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s have a toast—
BURKE: To truculence!
WILSON: DON’T interrupt me!
BURKE: Screw you!
WILSON: SCREW YOU!
(awkward silence)
BURKE:So…you wanna grab some wings or something?
WILSON:Sure, sounds good.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is it being true that you both order wings so spicy they have to clear out the restaurant because they are not safe for other humans?
WILSON and BURKE: Shut it, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry CoachRonWilson and BrianBurke.
(everyone continues to have a good time at the party, and it all worked out in the end.)

THE END

Holiday Kesstacular Part 4!

(SCENE: At the Leafs’ generic holiday party, where WAYNE PRIMEAU and ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY have started arguing)

WAYNE PRIMEAU: Look, Poni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just curious to know what people do for Christmas in Ukraine. Maybe you guys leave out virgins and fish sauce for Santa Claus instead of pickled eggs and beer like we do.

ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry WaynePrimeau, but I was thinking it was milk and cookies people leave for Santa, not pickled eggs and beer.

MATT STAJAN: I was always told milk and cookies.

LEE STEMPNIAK: Me too!

LUKE SCHENN: Milk and cookies here too!

PHIL KESSEL: I left out milk and jerky for Santa….maybe that’s why I never got that bike I wanted.

FRANÇOIS BEAUCHEMIN: In Québec, we leave out a can of Pepsi, some May Wests and a pack of smokes.

PRIMEAU: So wait…what you guys are telling me is that leaving pickled eggs and beer for Santa is weird?

THE OTHER LEAFS: Yes.

PRIMEAU: Hrmm. (shrugs shoulders) Ya learn something new every day, I guess. (NIK HAGMAN and JONAS GUSTAVSSON enter)

NIK HAGMAN: (worried) I just want to warn you guys….usually us Finns are really good with our liquor, but—

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: But not if you are Vesa.

KESSEL: But it’s only, like, eight o’clock. How is he drunk already?

HAGMAN: He must have started earlier, because all I saw him drink was, like, half a daiquiri. (VESA TOSKALA, holding a half-consumed strawberry daiquiri, bursts in the room)

VESA TOSKALA: (drunk, slurring and angry) Oh WHAAAAAAAAT Hagman? Are you talking about you smokin' hot wifey again? Jeeeeez what a surprise!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala, are you ok?

TOSKALA: You shut yer trap, Poni! I’m not the one who’s fallin down and shit on powerplays!

PONIKAROVSKY: VesaToskala is right. (sighs)

BEAUCHEMIN: Vesa, you ‘ave been acting like there is somesing wrong wit you. Is there somesing you need to tell us? Maybee you need to say…?

TOSKALA: Look big French dude, I jus’ wanna say…I jus’ wanna say somethings…I am not…gay! Ok? I am secure enough in my heterosezuaity that I can say “hey, that guy over there looks real nice” and, laaike, wear pink, and laaike, do this (TOSKALA deeply French-kisses STEMPNIAK) You see?

PRIMEAU: That makes no sense at all, Vesa. (TOSKALA trips over his own feet)

KESSEL: Hey Vesa, Hags, can we talk over in this other corner for a bit?

TOSKALA: Ya, why? (KESSEL, HAGMAN and TOSKALA go to a separate corner)

HAGMAN: Vesa, we’re pretty worried about you. This season, you’ve just been …

TOSKALA: I knows when I laaike had enough!

KESSEL: I don’t know if you do anymore. I’m worried about you, Vesa. I feel like you’re not the same guy anymore.

TOSKALA: You’s right. Laaike, Vesa’s suc a washed up hack-been (starts crying)

HAGMAN: No, Vesa, we can get you help.

KESSEL: Yeah! I know we can get you help. I know this great place!

TOSKALA: I’s not goings to rehabs!

KESSEL: No, it’s not a rehab place, it’s uh….

HAGMAN: It’s super exclusive night club! Let’s just get in my car, I’ll show you!

(HAGMAN and KESSEL load TOSKALA into a car and dump him in an emergency drug rehab centre, then return to the party)

SCHENN: So Stemper…uh…does the thing with Toskala mean…

STAJAN: Uh…how was it?

STEMPNIAK: Umm….well…a mouth’s a mouth, I guess. It kinda felt like despair and hopelessness, but that might have just been Tosk.

RON WILSON: (with plate of mini butter tarts) You boys enjoying the party? Here, have some mini butter tarts. (STAJAN, STEMPNIAK and SCHENN are relieved at the distraction from a very awkward conversation)

STAJAN: Oh boy! Butter tarts!

STEMPNIAK: I just like the name. Butter tarts.

SCHENN: it's a good name and they are so tasty!

WILSON: Phil! Nik! Glad you two could make it.

HAGMAN: We were here earlier, but Phil and I tooks Vesa to alcohol place.

KESSEL: He was willing! He said so in the car.

HAGMAN: He also says you had a pretty mouth. So?

GUSTAVSSON: So….now I’s only goalie guys for Toronto? (starts looking a bit pale and weak)

STEMPNIAK: Oh no! Jonas! Is your heart exploding again? (GUSTAVSSON faints)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.

KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry!

Will Phil Kessel continue his inability to make a good difference in Toronto? Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to 2009's Holiday Kesstacular!

Holiday Kesstacular, Part 3 (part2)

The first half of Part 3

BIKER GUY: You just happened upon the Hell’s Angels! It’s the best way we could think of to secretly transport drugs all over the country—nobody’s gonna be suspicious of people bringin’ toys for sick kids anywhere. And now, you gonna die! (loads and locks gun)

KESSEL: (panicked) No, NO! Please! We want to join you!

BIKER GUY (skeptical): Oh really? What’s your name, son?

KESSEL: My name’s, uh, Taylor Hall. Yeah, Taylor Hall.

MAYERS: And I’m Jason Spezza!

ATTENDANT: You don’t look like something called “Spezza” to me.

MAYERS: I’m…adopted! And my mom was a huge tramp. (BIKER GUY shoots MAYERS in the face, then presses his gun to KESSEL’s forehead)

BIKER GUY: You still wanna join?

KESSEL: (still panicking) Yeah! Uh-huh! OF COURSE!

BIKER GUY: (backs away from KESSEL) Fine, first thing is you gotta clean up and get rid of these bodies.

(BIKER GUY and ATTENDANT turn to leave, but KESSEL grabs one of his donated sticks and shoots two rocks at BIKER GUY and ATTENDANT ‘s heads, knocking them both unconscious. KESSEL jumps out from behind the box and runs as fast as he can out of the warehouse. He doesn’t stop until he reaches a diner, where he bursts through the door almost totally out of breath. RON WILSON just happens to be in a booth there.)

RON WILSON: Phil! What a surprise!

KESSEL (out of breath): Coach…Ron? Why…this is…getting…seriously effin’ creepy, man.

WILSON: Why? I do some of my best thinking in places like this. Take a seat (KESSEL sits down)

KESSEL: Ron, I just saw the Hells’ Angels shoot Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers!

WILSON: (chuckles) Oh Phil, you kids and your active imaginations.

KESSEL (near hysterics): I did! We thought we were giving toys to orphans who have cancer and AIDS, but it turns out that toy drive was just a cover for the Hell’s Angels to smuggle drugs, and now Jason and Jamal are dead and the orphans won’t get any toys for Christmas! (starts crying)

WILSON: Get a hold of yourself, Phil! Now...you might want to lay low for a few days, the Hells’ Angels don’t mess around.

KESSEL: What am I going to do?

WILSON: You could have an injury that requires you to go to a specialist far away, where you cannot be reached. You get it?

KESSEL: No, because I feel fine, Coach.

WILSON: Can you stick your foot out a little bit? (KESSEL sticks his foot out from under the table a bit)

(WILSON stamps on KESSEL’s foot as hard as possible)

KESSEL: AHH! Why did you do that!?

WILSON: Now you have a lower body injury. You need to see a specialist far away, where you cannot be reached by anyone. And you might want to get a bodyguard to make sure you’re not harmed while you’re taking care of that injury. Got it?

KESSEL: I guess so. But Jamal and Jason are still dead! Oh man…I’m the only witness! What if people think I killed them? (starts crying again)

WILSON: Look on the bright side: do you know how much cap space just got cleared up? I don’t know off the top of my head, but that’s a decent amount.

(in the following days, a surveillance video comes up which absolves KESSEL of all guilt in the deaths of BLAKE and MAYERS and leads to the arrest of the local Hell’s Angels chapter. KESSEL also recovers quickly from his “lower body injury”.)

Holiday Kesstacular, part 3 (part1)

(SCENE: PHIL KESSEL is at a store where ATTENDANT, a young man in his early 20s, is standing next to a box marked “Toys for AIDS and Cancer stricken orphans” )

PHIL KESSEL: Let’s see, I got the lights, the tape, wrapping paper…OH! The toy drive! Jeez, I knew I forgot something. How long will you guys be here? I’d love to give toys to AIDS and Cancer having orphans.

ATTENDANT: Actually…(sees BIKER GUY in distance give a “secret signal”) We’re closing up shop right now (starts packing up box)

KESSEL: What? But I really want to help out the poor orphans who have both AIDS and cancer! I really want to donate!

ATTENDANT: (hurriedly) No, no, we’re just fine, We gotta go now! No need to follow! (leaves)

(later, after practice, KESSEL tells some of the guys what happened earlier)

KESSEL:…And then he just ran out with the box! Isn’t that weird?

JASON BLAKE: That is pretty odd.

JAMAL MAYERS: We should ask around to see what’s up. Guys like us could really brighten things up for those orphans.

(The next day, at night, in an abandoned warehouse. MAYERS has brought several teddy bears, BLAKE has brought some pens and a few pads of graph paper, and KESSEL has brought hockey gear, all to be donated.)

KESSEL: Jason, are you sure this is when the guy said we should come?

BLAKE: Of course I’m sure. Dizzy D said he’d never lie to me, even if he did seem a bit twitchy, now that I think about it.

MAYERS: I got a bad feeling about this place.

KESSEL: Hey! It’s the donation box at the store earlier! Awesome! (MAYERS, BLAKE, KESSEL all place the goodies they brought inside of the box)

MAYERS: Hold on guys, this teddy bear in here has its head almost all the way off. We can’t give that one to sick kids.

KESSEL: Wait, there’s something in the body…(digs around inside the body.) OMIGOD it’s a baggie of cocaine!

BLAKE: And this “doll baby bottle” is probably a vial of heroin!

MAYERS: And this educational example of quartz is just crystal meth!

KESSEL: Who would do such a thing? What kind of monster would give toys full of illegal drugs to sick orphans? (gunshots from the dark hit BLAKE from behind)

BLAKE: (screams in pain as he slumps down dying) AHH! (whispered) 40…goal…scorer…(dies)

MAYERS: Phil, get down! (they duck behind the box of toys as BIKER GUY and ATTENDANT appear)

ATTENDANT: Man, oh man, we’re gonna need a new location, boss!

MAYERS: Look, scary biker guys, what’s going on? Why is Jason Blake dead? Why are you giving drugs to orphans?

BIKER GUY: You just happened upon the Hell’s Angels! It’s the best way we could think of to secretly transport drugs all over the country—nobody’s gonna be suspicious of people bringin’ toys for sick kids anywhere. And now, you gonna die! (loads and locks gun)

Will Phil Kessel and Jamal Mayer make it out of the Hell's Angels alive? Tune in next time for the conclusion of Part 3 of Holiday Kesstacular!

Holiday Kesstacular, part 2!

Part one

(at a local mall, PHIL KESSEL and MIKHAIL GRABOSKI are walking around Christmas shopping)
PHIL KESSEL: Wow, Grabbo, this place is packed!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS!
KESSEL: You are so weird.
GRABOVSKI: What? Is good cheer for mall shopping. And is not as weird as all the people here. Why not they shop later? Why they all here at once?
KESSEL: Well, Grabbo, it’s the mall. It’s one of the most important inventions of North America. It offers several stores under one roof. You probably don’t have stuff like malls, jeans, and pantyhose in Belarus, but they’re part of the modern way of life here in the non-commie world.
GRABOVSKI:…Huh? You say something? I was busy texting hot bitches on my Blackberry.
KESSEL: (sighs) Never mind.
GRABOVSKI: Why yous so down in garbage, Phil?
KESSEL: I think you mean “down in the dumps”, but it’s just that…Ron’s big on me volunteering in Toronto , and I can’t seem to find anything that fits.
GRABOVSKI: Hrmmm…what languages you speak?
KESSEL: English, and, uh…more English.
GRABOVSKI: Too bad. Me and Poni could use help. We do translationing for immigrants at crisis place.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, everybody has a thing but me. I dunno what I’m gonna do.
GRABOVSKI: I has faith you find something.
KESSEL: Wait a second...Hey Grabbo, you see that Mall Santa over there? He reminds me of this guy I knew as a kid. He’d drive around in an unmarked van giving candy to kids. (they move into the line for MALL SANTA.)
GRABOVSKI: Free candy? Wowee!
KESSEL: Not really, Grabbo. There’s a reason people called him “pedophile Bob.”
GRABOVSKI: But this guy has a big beard, and hat, you can’t see his face, how you know?
KESSEL: Can you see his pinky on his left hand? It doesn’t move with the rest of his hand. That’s because some kid bit it off in self-defense.
MALL SANTA: (starting out nice before getting progressively creepier) Ho! Ho! Ho! Now come on up here, little boy (puts LITTLE TOMMY, about 8, on lap.) Oh, boy, you got a pretty mouth. What’s your name?
TOMMY: My name’s Tommy and I’m eight years old.
MALL SANTA: Tommy? Now that’s a great name for a strong and handsome boy like you. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.
TOMMY: I want a dinosaur, an Optimus Prime, and a guitar.
MALL SANTA: (now really creepy) You know, Santa can do so much more for you than just that…
TOMMY: I wanna get down now.
MALL SANTA: Why don’t you stay on Santa’s lap a little longer?
TOMMY: I WANT DOWN NOW!
GRABOVSKI: Lets little kid off!

(KESSEL grabs TOMMY off MALL SANTA’s lap and punches MALL SANTA in the face. GRABOVSKI jumps on MALL SANTA’s back and lands two quick punches to his sides before MALL SANTA shrugs him off, knocking over a large Christmas tree in the process. GRABOVSKI punches MALL SANTA in the back of his knees and bites his ankle as KESSEL and MALL SANTA exchange gut punches. At one point, GRABOVSKI attempts to flee after flashing two peace signs to the crowd, but by then MALL SECURITY has shown up and apprehends all three men.)

Several hours later, in jail…

GRABOVSKI: Is we going to gets deported now? I don’t want to go back to Belarus!
KESSEL: I hope we don’t. But man, what about the kids? We beat up Santa Claus in front of a bunch of kids. Well, it was more like a wrestling match, but still! We’re gonna get hate mail, like, forever.
GRABOVSKI: And they’s become Sens fans now.
KESSEL: Ew, that’s even worse. (POLICE OFFICER enters.)
POLICE OFFICER: I take it you two are the ones who assaulted a Santa in the mall? (GRABOVSKI and KESSEL nod.) Now, as for you two, it turns out that your assault brought it to our attention that this mall Santa, AKA Robert Cullingham, AKA Roberto Alvarezo, AKA Bob Jeremy was, in fact, a known pedophile and sex offender who somehow slipped through the cracks. On behalf of the police force, we appreciate your help, but…you still assaulted a man and caused a bit of property damage, not to mention the damage to those little kids who had to see Santa dragged away in handcuffs. But, since you’re both first time offenders, I wouldn’t be surprised if all you got was some anger management training, some fines, and some community service. You're probably banned from that mall for life, too. Luckily, you got a buddy that posted bail for both of you, so you can go now. (lets GRABOVSKI and KESSEL out of jail cell.)
MALL SANTA (in a separate cell.) The ginger one bit me! You little bastard, I’ll probably need rabies shots for this!
POLICE OFFICER: You keep it down there!

(outside of jail)
RON WILSON: You two are lucky the Leafs don’t have that much time off between games this month, otherwise you would have spent a few days in there.
GRABOVSKI: Wow, thanks, Coach!
KESSEL: Yeah, that was great of you to—
WILSON: I’m not finished yet. What the hell were you two thinking?
KESSEL: But coach, he’s a pedophile!
WILSON: I guess you’re really going to have to find that work that fits now, Phil.

Holiday Kesstacular, part one!

It's become something of a tradition over here at tWWoLD to have a longer series over the "holidays" time. Last year, it was "It's a Wendelful Life". The year before that, it was "Leafer Madness. " This year, I present to you all the heart-warming story of "Holiday Kesstacular!"

(SCENE: After practice)

RON WILSON: Ok guys, fine practice. Kessel, can I see you in my office for a minute?

PHIL KESSEL: Sure thing, coach.

WILSON: Now Phil, as you know, I’m really big on getting guys to do events in the community, and I was just wondering if you found anything like that here in Toronto.

KESSEL: Well Ron, I’m still getting used to this city. Like yesterday, I was so lost, but I kept saying to myself “If I can find Yonge street, I can know where I am.” Do you have any idea how long that street is, Ron?

WILSON: It’s one of the longest streets in the world, Phil. Goes all the way from Lake Ontario to Barrie.

KESSEL: And the streets are so logical and grid-like—not at all like Boston. I get so confused anytime I try to go out and get milk, let alone trying to found a charity!

WILSON: Fair enough. Schenn and Stajan are going to a school thing tomorrow, teach the kids not to do drugs, drink milk, stay in school, that kind of stuff—you wanna go with them?

KESSEL: Sure, Coach—sounds great.

(THE NEXT DAY, LUKE SCHENN, MATT STAJAN, and KESSEL are in a school auditorium as a generic motivational speaker talks to the students.)

MATT STAJAN: (Drowsily) Holy shit, man, I am so freaking hung over…

LUKE SCHENN: Not so loud, Matt. You can’t let the kids hear that. We’re supposed to be positive role models!

KESSEL: Too many strawberry daiquiris last night, Matt?

STAJAN: I think the lights are humming too loudly…

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Now it’s YOUR turn, kids! What do you want to ask the Toronto Maple Leafs? (Lots of kids raise hands, yell “mememe”) uh, yes, you. (Points at LITTLE BILLY, who stands up)

LITTLE BILLY: Mr. Stajan, how can you justify your position on the team given your rather low score totals, lack of playoff experience, and your tendency for dropping the puck at inopportune times?

STAJAN: Uhhhh….you’re a smart one…

SCHENN: Who wants to see me erase somebody?

KESSEL: Who wants to see me shoot some slappers?

KIDS: I DO! I DO! ME! (etc.)

(later that day…)

STAJAN: Thanks for saving me back there, guys.

SCHENN: Matt, you’ve been doing this for how many years now? You shouldn’t need saving.

KESSEL: That wasn’t so bad. I like working with kids ‘cause I can understand their level of thinking.

STAJAN: Phil, Luke. I’m sorry but…it’s just that…(sighs) You have one Shirley Temple , and you think “Wow, this is so awesome! I want more!” So you do, and then you have another, and another, until you’ve had 10 or 12. Then you realize you can’t feel your lips anymore, it’s three AM and you’re starting to argue with tables and chairs.

KESSEL: Uhh…Matt…

SCHENN: I’m not much of a cocktail kind of guy, but I think a Shirley Temple has no alcohol in it.

STAJAN: …Seriously?

KESSEL: Yeah, I think it’s like, sugar syrup and ginger ale or something with cherries.

STAJAN: …Really? (SCHENN and KESSEL nod.) Well, crap.

SCHENN: To be fair, sugar crashes can be pretty bad, too.

STAJAN: I guess it’s back to Long Island Iced Teas for me. Later, guys. (goes home.)

SCHENN: Yeah, it was an okay time, but I have to head home, Phil. That lucky bamboo won’t water itself. (goes home.)

KESSEL: Later,Matty! Later, Schenners. (WILSON appears from behind a bush.) Coach Ron? Where did you come from?

WILSON: I always need to keep an eye on my players, especially the good ones, like you. How did it go with the kids today, Phil?

KESSEL: It was OK, I guess. But sometimes with speakers and the stuff we did today, the kids who are gonna do drugs and whatever don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t wanna be just another thing they tune out, donchaknow. I want to actually help people.

WILSON: Well, Phil, I’m sure you’ll find your place and special gifts soon enough.

Will Phil Kessel find his special way to help people? Find out in the next chapter of our Holiday Kesstacular!