It's a Wendelful Life, part 1

(SCENE: TOMAS KABERLE is sitting alone in a very dreary room)
KABERLE: Man, I have never felt so alone. I wonder if what the boys say is true…
(KABERLE takes out mirror)
KABERLE: Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark, Wendel Clark. (WENDEL CLARK appears in the room with KABERLE)
CLARK: What the? You better have a damn good reason for calling me! I just got in my Leafs jammies and was about to go to bed!
KABERLE: Aren’t you going to punch all of my blood out? Could you do that please?
CLARK: I’ve seen you play and you have great skills. Why would you want me to punch out your blood?
KABERLE: I just…I can’t take the pressure of the Leafs anymore. I lost whatever you call it…
CLARK: What? Pep? Oomph? Awesomeness?
KABERLE: whatever.
CLARK: Look, normally I’d just punch you out and leave, but since I’ve seen you on the TV and stuff and I know you got good things to come, I’ll show you what could happen if you leave now.
KABERLE: You can do that?
(Somehow—Magicalness FTW—CLARK And KABERLE are transported to what appears to be a funeral attended by the Leafs. Nobody notices this sudden appearance)
KABERLE: How did that happen? Where are we?
CLARK: Well, obviously magic.
KABERLE: But there’s no such thing as magic!
CLARK: Shush! It’s not polite to talk during a funeral!
KABERLE: Is this…MY… funeral? But why did we get here just at the end?
CLARK: Look, I can only do so much, You didn’t want to be here for the WHOLE sobfest didya?
KUBINA: I can’t believe Kabs is just…GONE
WHITE: God, I know. And it was so weird how he died.
KUBINA: Did they say what it was?
WHITE: Nobody can figure it out—the rumour is that they found him on his kitchen floor with all of his blood knocked out, like, with a punch or something. But no one ever found any weapons or anything.
KUBINA:Oh man, that’s terrible.
SCHENN: It sounds like that Mexican lizard thingy, whatchacallit...that sucks the blood out of goats? Chupacabra?
WHITE: But we’re in Toronto. Isn’t that a bit far north for a Mexican lizard thingy?
KUBINA: You never know, with global warming and stuff.
KABERLE: This is so depressing
CLARK: Well, it IS a funeral after all
KABERLE: I meant the chupacabra discussions. Gah, look at Matt Stajan. He’s crying more than my wife is
STAJAN: Kabby was just...SO YOUNG! (sobbing)
KABERLE: Man, I thought I was depressed before, this is just disturbing
CLARK: What do you mean?
KABERLE: Matt Stajan always seemed so happy go lucky and optimistic
CLARK:Then you should see what happens after this (CLARK transports KABERLE to just outside of STAJAN’s window. STAJAN is lying on his couch unshaven and in pyjamas with empty bottles of orange juice and vodka on the floor, with crumpled up tissues everywhere. STAJAN’s girlfriend KATIE enters)
KATIE: Matt, honey, are you ok?
STAJAN: ehhhnnnnnn
KATIE: I mean, all you’ve done for three days is cry, drink, and watch Family Guy.
STAJAN: ehhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn
KATIE: It’s as if you’re some sort of zombie. I’m worried.
STAJAN: EhhHHHHHHHHNNNNNnnnnn...I need more orange juice
KABERLE: So after I die, Matty becomes some sad drunk?
CLARK: Well, you see, he was pretty shaken up at Wellwood being on waivers. Then Carlo and Steen got traded. Just when he was almost over that you died. Now, a trade is easier to get over since they may get traded back, but a death is mighty hard to get over. It just broke him and his bedroom eyes.
KATIE: Matty, please don’t tell me you’re doing a Wellwood
STAJAN: There’s not enough food and coffee and food in North America for two Wellwoods...WELLY! (starts sobbing again)
KABERLE: I hate seeing him like this.
CLARK: Oh that’s nothing compared to other people on the team

Be sure to tune in next for another installment of "It's a Wendelful Life!"