Maple Leafs Chat: Betcha Can't Eat Just One

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey guys! I just found out they got Cadbury crème eggs out again!
MaiHartWillDion: Dude, crème eggs have been out for like, at least a month.
MonstersBall:  Cream and eggs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah! I got a box of a hundred of them. Have some, Jonas!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know if I should…
MaiHartWillDion: Come on, Jonas. They’re like awesome wrapped in chocolate.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Doncha have these in Sweden?
MonstersBall:  We do, it’s just that my mother would never let me have any. She said they had far too much sugar in them.
BallinToTheWallin: He’s just worried about what his mommy might say.
MonstersBall:  …
MonstersBall:  My mom’s dead, you asshole.
BallinToTheWallin:  Oopsie doodles.
MaiHartWillDion: Seriously, dick move, man….
BallinToTheWallin: Well, my mom said the same thing. She said something so messy couldn’t be good for you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, come on guys. Sweden’s all the way in Russia or something.
MaiHartWillDion: And Rickard, you’re almost 30, for God’s sake. You have to cut the cord sometime.
MonstersBall:  This is good point.
BallinToTheWallin: Oh well…bottoms up, I guess
***Several hours later, at Hooker Harvey’s…***
KomiKazi: Jonas? Wallin? Are you guys OK? Wake up, guys!
MonstersBall:  AHHHHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
BallinToTheWallin: COBRAS!
KomiKazi: It’s me, Mike Komisarek. What are you guys doing in this burger joint full of hookers?
MonstersBall:  What are YOU doing here?
KomiKazi: I , er, uh….shoulder rehab always gives me the munchies for something greasy and delicious.
BallinToTheWallin:  The stuff here isn’t good for your body at all.
KomiKazi: It’s good for the soul, Wallin. And you still didn’t answer my question.
BallinToTheWallin:  I…I don’t know. Last night, Phil Kessel gave us a bunch of cream eggs—
MonstersBall:   Like a hundred cream eggs in a box.
BallinToTheWallin:  And then I ate one, and another, and some more, and then…
MonstersBall:  …then there were little foil wrappers all over the place and then it was light out and  we ended up here.
KomiKazi: Bullshit. Cream eggs don’t do that to anyone. Cocaine, absinthe or tequila might, but if that were the case you would be missing pants.
BallinToTheWallin:  I HAVE PANTS?
KomiKazi: Yes, you do.
MonstersBall:  I am aware of my pants.
KomiKazi: So wait, is sugar and chocolate like cocaine for you guys?
BallinToTheWallin: …
MonstersBall:  Maaaaaybe.
KomiKazi: Man, Swedes are weird. Wait a second. If you guys split a hundred eggs, how are you not puking or in a diabetic coma right now?
MonstersBall:  I don’t know. I just ate one and then some more and I just kept going.
BallinToTheWallin: DEAR GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!
KomiKazi: That’s a ketchup stand.
MonstersBall:  AHHH! NO!
KomiKazi: I know some people don’t like ketchup, but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
BallinToTheWallin: It’s a dwarf hobo! I think he’s opening a portal to Hell!
MonstersBall:  AND EATING A BABY!
BallinToTheWallin: /attacks ketchup stand with vicious slapfight maneuvers
Harveys_Manager: /throws BallinToTheWallin, MonstersBall:, and KomiKazi out of the Harvey’s
KomiKazi: Nice going, guys. Now I’m probably banned for life from Harvey’s. I didn’t even get to finish my burger.
BallinToTheWallin: WHAT IS ON MY HANDS?
MonstersBall:  Did he kill a hobo?
KomiKazi: /Rolls eyes
KomiKazi: Yes, Rickard. You killed a hobo. Just stright up, stone cold murdered a dude.
BallinToTheWallin: AHHHHH!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know you!
BallinToTheWallin: /wipes hands on every available surface
KomiKazi: Nah, I was just messing with you—
BallinToTheWallin: what will these hands never be clean?

Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention

I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!



***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: OH HAI GUYZ
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Belfour_To_the_Floor: EDDIE BELFOUR! HOW’S YA DOIN!
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.

Maple Leafs Chat: Monster's Hospital

***Welcome to Montreal Hospital chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Hey guys, I really appreciate that you could come out here to visit Jonas.

NOT_BOBBY: Sure thing Coach. Gussy’s a great guy.

KesselRun81Parsecs: He’s a teammate AND a friend.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Wait, ‘ow do we know where he is?

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t have a clue, but I can ask this admin secretary woman where he is. Excuse me, I’m looking for a Jonas Gustavsson. I’m his coach, Ron Wilson.

Admin_Secretary: Let me check…Oh, we just moved him into pediatrics.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Why the Hell is he in pediatrics?

NOT_BOBBY: But he’s like six-three!

Buttons_and_Beauch: He’s 25!

Admin_Secretary: Apparently, they thought he was a malnourished teenager or something.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Well, he is pretty scrawny

Admin_Secretary: He’s in room 223.

***Welcome to Room 223!***

Monsters_Ball: Hey guys!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Jonas, are you feeling any better?

Monsters_Ball: I’m kind of tired, but I guess I’ll be ok.

KesselRun81Parsecs: I brought you what always makes me feel better: some ginger ale and a coloring book!

Monsters_Ball: Wow, Spiderman! Thanks. But all I have to color with is this blue pen I swiped from a nurse.

Buttons_and_Beauch: That’s why I got you zese markers, cuz Phil didn’t tink of dat.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Oh geez, I’m such a stooge!

NOT_BOBBY: And I got you…uh, it’s a newspaper. But maybe you can fold the pages into a bitchin’ pirate hat!

Monsters_Ball: You guys might want to keep it down. The girl I share the room with has cancer and she’s trying to sleep. Poor little Ava, she’s just seven.

Ava_CancerKid: It’s ok mister goalie man, I’m awake. Can I say hi to your friends?

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hi, Ava. I had a cancer once. Right in my testiculars, donchaknow,

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t think that’s an appropriate story for a seven year old girl, Phil.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Is dere anyting we can do to ‘elp either of you?

Monsters_Ball: I am fine, except I would really like a bed I can fit in. These pediatric beds only fit me if I chop off my legs at the knee. It’s annoying.

Ava_CancerKid: Can you hockey guys make it so that I don’t have cancer anymore?

NOT_BOBBY: I can punch your cancer out!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Colton, you can’t punch out cancer! You’re not that tough.

NOT_BOBBY: Awwwww, nuts! I wanted to punch someone out.

***Tosking_Heads, brandishing a bottle in a paper bag, has entered the chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, crap. Looks like Toskala found out where we were.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Tosk, you look like you haven’t slept in a few days.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Or shaved for a week.

NOT_BOBBY: Or showered in a month.

Tosking_Heads:…

Monsters_Ball: Oh, Hallo, Toskala. I like seeing you! How are you?

Tosking_Heads: The Vesssha hatsssh you shooo mush.

Tosking_Heads: /falls down

I_Ron_Butterfly: Wait a second--this isn’t even alcohol in this bottle. It’s just iced tea.

Tosking_Heads: Booshe makes my Vesha sho bloated.

Monsters_Ball: But the iced tea will keep you up all night.

Tosking_Heads: I knowsh.

LOLeafs: Mailing it in edtion

Blargh. I feel like I've never been so drained of ideas ever. I am such a bum. Here's an LOLeaf to kill some time (from Yahoo!)

Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.