Leafer Madness, Part 6

Disclaimers Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

(KABERLE is trekking through the jungle with his weapon, an Uzi. He comes across COLAIACOVO, who has a chainsaw in place of his left forearm and a weedwhacker in place of the right. )

KABERLE: What happened to you? I thought that you were dead.

COLAIACOVO: I was dead for a while, then I sold my soul and my left arm to Satan and I lived again. I met some of the other guys in the lighthouse. I died a second time there, so I gave up my right arm and both of my legs in exchange for living again. They changed them into elephant feet. So when I die again, I’ll make some pretty umbrella stands. Or is it ashtrays they make from elephant’s feet? Oh well—doesn’t matter.

KABERLE: I have a plan for getting all of us off this island, but I need your help. We need to track down Pavel and steal his plot-hole machine. Will you help?

COLAIACOVO: Sure, but how are we going to find him?

KABERLE: Look at the ground, Carlo (indicates tank tracks on the ground.)

COLAIACOVO: How in the hell did he get a tank?

KABERLE: That’s why we need the plot-hole machine. Maybe we can use it to get back before this terrible island ever happened. Come on. (They follow the tank treads further into the jungle.)

(At the headquarters, a soldier is talking with BETTMAN.)

SOLDIER: With all due respect, sir, I don’t know if it was wise to give Kubina the plot-hole device. We haven’t even perfected the technology yet, sir—it’s a highly, highly unstable device.

BETTMAN: That was why I rigged it so Kubina would get it. I knew that he’d just use it for himself, so there is no real risk to us. I mean, if Kaberle or Sundin were to get it, they’d try be a hero and save everyone, which defeats our purpose.

SOLDIER: But sir, what happens if another player gets a hold of it?

BETTMAN: That won’t happen—you said it was unstable, and it is in unstable hands, so there isn’t a risk of someone else to get it, is there?

SOLDIER: As I said, sir, it is highly experimental technology—we don’t have the bugs worked out of it yet. It’s always possible that the device could backfire on the person using it, sir

BETTMAN: What do you mean by “backfire”?

SOLDIER: Well, sir...it could introduce some element into the operator’s biological makeup without warning. It could…we don’t even know what else it is capable of doing, sir.

BETTMAN: Considering its operator, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about another player getting it.

(KUBINA is drunk and cruising in his tank with the strippers, firing the tank at will)

KUBINA: (singing) Don’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow, Don’t, stop…um…something, lalala—c’mon girls, help me out with the words. Do you know what? I’m hungry—let’s get some motherfuckin’ frennnnch toaaasst! (He presses some buttons on the plot-hole generator.) Whoa—I feel all tingly and stuff all over my body. That was weird. Oh well. (grabs nearest champagne bottle. He takes a long swig out of the bottle. What he doesn’t know is that the plot-hole generator has somehow made him deathly allergic to champagne. KUBINA starts to go into anaphylactic shock.)

STRIPPER 1: What’s he doing?

STRIPPER 2: He’s going into shock, you know that kind—what’s that “a” word?

STRIPPER 3: “Anorexic”?

STRIPPER 2: No, it was a longer word and I think it had “anal” in it

STRIPPER 1: You think everything should have anal in it! (They giggle a little.)

STRIPPER 2: This guy is dying and we don’t know what to do to help him!

STRIPPER 3: Is there some Benedryl here?

STRIPPER 2: He used this thing whenever he needed something—maybe if I press this button—(she grabs the plot-hole generator and pushes some buttons. She disappears into thin air with the device.)

STRIPPER 1: Great! Now what are we supposed to do?

STRIPPER 3:He’s not breathing!

STRIPPER 1: I think he’s dead. Does that make us murderers?

STRIPPER 3: We didn’t kill him, exactly. We just didn’t know what we were doing, that’s all. It’s not like we stabbed him in the heck or something like that.

STRIPPER 1: Is this where we bang on his chest and yell something like “Live, dammit, LIVE!”

STRIPPER 3: I think so.

STRIPPER 1: Maybe we should just leave him here and get help.

STRIPPER 3: But we have no idea where we are or who to ask for help! Maybe one of us should leave and the other stay here.

STRIPPER 1: There’s no way I’m staying here with a dead body!

STRIPPER 3: We need to open this hatch (She does so, only to see KABERLE and COLAIACOVO are close behind) Oh God! (jumps back down into the tank) There are two guys out there—one has a gun and the other has a chainsaw and a weedwhacker instead of arms! They’re gonna kill us!

STRIPPER 1: We don’t know that—let’s just talk to them, maybe they can help us. (She opens the hatch)

STRIPPER 3: I don’t know—you should have a white cloth so they know we’re peaceful.

STRIPPER 1:I don’t have anything like that. If I just flash them, would that work?

STRIPPER 3: You might as well try it. We don’t have much else to lose. (STRIPPER 1 opens her top and shows her breasts to KABERLE and COLAIACOVO)

COLAIACOVO: When did Kubina get such nice tits?

KABERLE: He got her with the plot-hole device. There should be two others with him. Come out, Kubina! I’m not alone this time!

STRIPPER 1: He’s dead! And one of the other girls took his calculator thingy and disappeared into thin air!

KABERLE: What do you mean? (STRIPPER 3 leans out of the hatch.)

STRIPPER 3: Pavel had some sort of bad reaction to the champagne and he died. The other girl took his machine, pushed some buttons and—POOF!—she was gone. Here—we’ll prove he’s dead. (Both STRIPPERS go back into the tank and with some struggling, they manage to push KUBINA’S body out of the hatch.)

STRIPPER 1: We didn’t kill him, we swear! He just took a gulp of champagne, then he started wheezing, and suddenly he was dead!

STRIPPER 3: I’m fading…

STRIPPER 1: Then make an appointment for your roots

STRIPPER 3: Not my hair, I’m fading…

STRIPPER 1: Me too—is it because we’re only plot devices?

STRIPPER 3: maybe… (They both fade into thin air, along with the tank)

KABERLE: Shit! If we had had that tank, we could have stormed the headquarters but I guess we’ll just have to fend for ourselves now.

COLAIACOVO: Drat and double drat, indeed.