Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 2

Well, cats and kittens, wraparoundcurl and I have once again put our heads together to bring you part two of our exclusive inside look of Sean Avery's summer internship at Vougue (Part one is here)

(SCENE: SEAN AVERY is bringing in coffee and lunch to a fashion photo shoot featuring two female models.)

AVERY:Lunch is here, guys. (to MODELS) ‘Sup sluts?

MODELS: Hi, Sean!

FEMALE INTERN: Eating lunch is for weirdos.

AVERY:I don’t know why we bring in food for the models at all—they’re just going to throw it up anyway. Actually…I wonder when these two are gonna “lez out”

FEMALE INTERN: Excuse me?

AVERY:If I’ve learned anything from any movie or TV show, it’s that when two really good looking women are together, they’re gonna start making out and feeling each other up. Hell, that happens even if they aren’t that attractive.

FEMALE INTERN: And exactly what movies taught you this?

AVERY: “Naughty Nurses”, “The Mighty Dykes”, “Lesbo Vampires of the Amazon.” You know, the classics.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re a pig!

AVERY:I know—a hot tub! That’ll get them going. Hey photographer guy! I got an idea. How’s about a hot tub with small strategically placed Rangers gear? But keep those high heels. Those are fabulous shoes, just fabulous shoes.

FEMALE INTERN: But then they won’t be showing off the clothes

AVERY: Who cares? There are naked people in the Abercromie and Fitch catalogue all the time and they still sell. It’ll be provocative and make people talk and buy stuff, like the Miley Cyrus thing.

FEMALE INTERN: Why would you ever combine fashion press and hockey?

AVERY:I’ll be honest with ya, cupcake, I have a vision. See, when I was in the hospital with my cock knocking spleen causing trouble, I had this dream…(flashback mode)

(SCENE: AVERY is in a hockey rink, on center ice holding one end of a string. The other end is attached to a plate holding a big slice of pie. MARTIN BRODEUR enters.)

BRODEUR: Oh boy! Faceoff pie! (BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY:Maaaaarrrrrty….

BRODEUR : Come here, you delicious pie! (again BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY: Come and get me, Marty, I’m all a la mode and shit. Whatsa matter, can’t eat me? (BRODEUR disappears. A trapdoor suddenly appears and opens, and then AVERY falls through it into an all-white featureless room.)

AVERY: What in the flying fuck…?

BOOMING VOICE :Sean, we must talk.

AVERY: You’re damn right we have to talk! Right now, I should be with at least three “Deal or No Deal” models kicking Sidney Crosby in the crotch!

BOOMING VOICE: Sean, you know that the press coverage of hockey has really gone down over the years. Would you like to see it covered beyond mentions of bench clearing brawls and horrific injuries?

AVERY:Sure, what do I do?

BOOMING VOICE: We need you to infiltrate any sort of press you can. Get yourself and hockey exposed everywhere, like they did with poker.

AVERY: Isn’t that what Sidney Crosby is for? You know, jumping through hoops for people?

BOOMING VOICE: Sidney does his job well, but we have been riding him harder than an underage Thai hooker.

AVERY: Who the hell are you, anyway? And what happens if I refuse to be your little media whore?

BOOMING VOICE : Well Sean, you don’t have to help out the hockey gods if you don’t want to. We’d just like to point out that even if you don’t need a spleen to live, a lacerated one can get pretty nasty.

AVERY: So…you’re pretty much just holding my health hostage so I help you?

BOOMING VOICE: Pretty much. How else were we supposed to get your attention?

AVERY: Fair enough. I’ll do it.

AVERY: So you see, I’m not just any cock knocker. I’m on a mission from God.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re still a pig though.

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over

TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

Cock Knockers Incorporated!

(glovetap to The Pensblog for the Photoshop goodness)


Hello, gentle readers. The following is a joint effort by Heather at Wrap Around Curl and I. We were going to put it up sooner to be current, but after Sean Avery was admitted to the hospital, we felt like it was in poor taste to make fun of him. However, since Captain Cock Knocker got released from the hospital, we figure he's open season.


(SCENE: Vogue offices, where a generic BOSS is giving orientation to SEAN AVERY)

BOSS: ...and among your duties will be to make copies—

AVERY:--uh, I don't do copies. I do hot bitches on copiers. Get it right.

BOSS: --and getting coffee, those sorts of things. Do you have any questions?

AVERY:Yeah, when do we get to bang the hot chicks?
BOSS:...excuse me, Sean?

AVERY: You know, the skinny bitches you got on the covers. Don't you have a warehouse full of 'em, like, having pillow fights and snorting coke off each other?

BOSS: I don't know where you are getting your ideas from, Sean, but I can assure you that you are certainly mislead.


(Later, AVERY is chatting up two attractive and young FEMALE INTERNS)

AVERY: How are you two ladies doing? You know, I'm a superstar hockey player for the Rangers.

INTERN 1: What's a hockey?

INTERN 2: Is that the one where they're on horses?

AVERY: it's when my dick is in your mouth!

BOSS:Sean, that's not really appropriate behavior to exhibit.

AVERY:What? I unplugged the security cameras first so there's no evidence of sexual harassment.

BOSS: Just get me some coffee.


(later still)


BOSS:Sean, can you come into my office for a bit? The coffee you got me tastes...odd.

AVERY:Oh, about that—I wanted to make a really good impression, so I just went ahead and Irish'd it up for you.

BOSS:Sean, you are aware that Irish coffee contains more coffee than whiskey, right? You can't just pour alcohol into people's drinks without them consenting.

AVERY:It's not like I roofied it or anything (muttering to self) like I'm going to later.

BOSS: Also, there were...issues with the copies you made for me. Now, by "issues", I really mean the fact that there is a photocopy of what appears to be your penis taking the place of every sixth page. Would you care to explain that?

AVERY:That's just how I roll. Cock Knockers, Incorporated!

BOSS: Also, is that black nail polish on your hands?

AVERY: No, boss, I totally wasn't painting my nails on company time, nosiree. See, I was...product testing! Yeah! See, the left hand has Black Satin from Chanel and the right hand has Maybelline Express Finish Nail Polish in Belging Black.

BOSS: And your assessment of them is...?

AVERY: Hell if I can tell the difference. The Chanel looks a little shimmerier, if that's even a word.

BOSS: Sean, your...idiosyncrasies have really stuck in my craw, and it's only been your first day. However, I--(AVERY delivers an elbow check, knocking BOSS unconscious)

AVERY: Hey, I was just finishing my check, that was totally a clean hit. (Exits office.)

(later, after a hard day of interning, AVERY and a mixed group of OTHER INTERNS wait in line to enter a club)

AVERY: Hey, I know this place! This one time, Marc Staal got stinking shit-faced and puked his guts out right over there. That was an awesome night. (sees random MALE STRANGER.)

MALE STRANGER: Wait a minute, you look familiar...didn't you get kicked out of here a few months back?

AVERY:uhhh...maybe? But girlfrienddddd, where did you get those shoes!?

MALE STRANGER:These shoes cost 300 fucking dollars!

AVERY: Let's get 'em! (Beats up MALE STRANGER, steals his shoes, and runs away)

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque

BRYAN McCABE: Wow, I can't believe I got so many people to show up at my backyard barbeque
MATS SUNDIN: Just to be safe, after Raycroft's little...incident, do you have all of the knives and sharp objects locked up?
McCABE: You mean...? Oh that, don't worry—locking up the sharp objects is standard procedure here whenever I'm around. (DARCY TUCKER enters) Oh, hey, Darcy!
DARCY TUCKER: Hey guys. I brought a bag of frozen fishsticks for you, Bryan. Enjoy Long Island, you fuckfaced retard.
McCABE: Haha, Darcy, you're such a great joker!
TUCKER: No, man, I'm serious. Every night I pray to God that the cops find your bloated corpse in a ditch somewhere. And Mark Bell asked me to give you this for him. (Hands McCabe a suspicious bottle)
McCABE:Prison wine? He shouldn't have!
SUNDIN: for sure—I can smell the hepatitis from here. (PAVEL KUBINA enters, greetings excahnged)between everyone)
McCABE: Hey Kubie...uh, what's that bag in your hand?
PAVEL KUBINA: What beg?Vhat hend?
McCABE: I'm talking about the plastic bad in you hand that looks like it's full of assorted pills.
KUBINA: Oh, this?It is...well, I shell be honest. Dis beg may be full of pells, dey may be Skittles, I do know know for sure. But I know a way to find out.
McCABE: Dude, did you just roofie my drink?
KUBINA: No, why you ask?
McCABE:You did! You totally did! you just reached over and plopped a pill or something in my drink, I just saw you. You weren't even sneaky about it.
KUBINA:OK, I make a deal: if nothing heppen, it was just a vitamin suppliment. If you fall alseep and someone is making hot, sweet love to your anus, then it was a roofie. Deal?
McCABE: far enough
KUBINA: and now to get Babyface Crew on acid. Or maybe those are Vitamin C. (leaves)
SUNDIN: Wait, is that—it can't be...Paul Maurice? HERE?
McCABE:Oh no, he's such a buzzkill
TUCKER:Whatever guys, just act cool, here he comes.
PAUL MAURICE: Heyy, guys!
SUNDIN, McCABE, TUCKER: (in a depressed manner) Hi, Coach
MAURICE: Look, I know you all think I'm a buzzkill, so I'll level with you—I have enough weed, Xanax, and Vicodin to host a Phish reunion tour!
TUCKER: (somewhat forced) Okay! Now we van really let loose!
McCABE: “Now”? After seeing Kubina drugging everybody's drinks with random pills?
SUNDIN” So is that why Wellwood is totally terrified of the shadows of those tree branches?
WELLWOOD: They're gonna trap me! LEMMEOUT! LEMMEOUT!
STEEN: Kyle, shut up! If I sing “It's raining men” fast enough this rock says he'll each me how to fly!
STAJAN: (sobbing) MOMMMMY! I ate the moon!
WELLWOOD: Matt! Save yourself! The branches have me pinned down!
STAJAN: I ate the moon, mommy, I'm sorrry!! (panicked whisper) It's not there anymore! (sobs) are you mad at me? (crawls over to WELLWOOD)
WELLWOOD: I'll forgive you for eating the moon if you shield me from these branches
STAJAN: (still sobbing) Ok, ok (curls up into fetal position next to WELLWOOD, who starts gnawing on STAJAN's fingers)
TUCKER: Kyle! Stop trying to eat Stajan!
WELLWOOD: But his fingers are delicious Cajun sausage! nomnomnom.
STEEN: And his hair is made out of bacon! nomnomnom (starts chewing STAJAN'S hair)
TUCKER: I thought you were trying to fly
STEEN : The rock was playing me. I shoulda known, nomnomnom
TUCKER: You guys, seriously, cannibalism is not cool.
STAJAN: Darcy, what's that on your face?
TUCKER: You mean my nose?
STAJAN: no it's like a bug thingy sucking out your brains! Don't worry, I'll get it for you! (grabs stick, starts beating TUCKER in the face with the stick)
TUCKER: Staj—what the!—dammit!—stop hitting me!—with that stick!—
STAJAN: I'll save you Darcy! I'm a sock-kicking baddass mofo! (TUCKER punches STAJAN and knocks him out)
MAURICE: Darcy, why are you punching people? ah never mind that...
WELLWOOD (to nobody at all): TICKING TIME BOMB!
MAURICE: Wait a second...is that Rayrary over there? Raycroft, you emowannabe sumbitch, comeover here and smoke a bowl with me!

( stay tuned for part 2 eventually)