Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2

Part one is here.  

(SCENE: DION PHANUEF, PHIL KESSEL, TYLER BOZAK and ELISHA CUTHBERT are all roaming Toronto on the way to the Beer Store.)

PHIL KESSEL: Wow! Look at all these ladies out here! They look so HOT!

TYLER BOZAK: They look kinda cold to me. Most of them don't seem to be wearing much for clothes.

ELISHA CUTHBERT: Maybe you two could go help them warm up...

DION PHANUEF: But Elisha, what would we be doing if Phil and Tyler left?

CUTHBERT: I think I have a few ideas about what we could do...(winks suggestively)

PHANEUF: But we can't do that. I need more than just you and me to carry all of this beer. (MIKE KOMISAREK, dressed as Lady Gaga, exit a bar near where KESSEL, BOZAK, PHANEUF and CUTHBERT are walking.)

MIKE KOMISAREK: Oh! Hey guys!

PHANEUF: ...Mike?

CUTHBERT: Wow! Great costume!

BOZAK: Where did you get that costume? And where did you find shoes to fit your big ol' feet?

KOMISAREK: Well, It was kinda hard to find a decent Gaga costume that would fit, so I had to do a little Project Runway magic.

BOZAK: You watch Project Runway? (laughs)

KOMISAREK: (surly)Yeah, I watch Project Runway. You wanna make something of it?

BOZAK: (scared) No, sir.

KOMISAREK: Kess, you haven't said anything.

KESSEL: It's because I'm terrified. Normal Gaga is scary enough, but she's only, like, 14 inches tall, you know, so it's OK. A six-four Lady Gaga is pants-shittingly terrifying.

KOMISAREK: If it's so scary, then explain why I just won five hundred dollars at that bar I was just in for Halloween Hottie 2010?

KESSEL: You won five hundred dollars for dressing like a girl?

PHANEUF: Girl? Depends what you read on the Internet.

KOMISAREK: I wasn't even going to enter the contest. I just went in there to ask for directions and I ended up winning.

KESSEL: But five hundred dollars? Man, I might need to start up a new hobby...

CUTHBERT: Phil, you make millions of dollars playing hockey.

KESSEL: Oh yeah...

BOZAK: I have to be honest Mike—if I didn't know that was you, I'd be trying to take you home right now.

PHANEUF: So Mike, you wanna join us? We're going to grab beer and then I'm having that party at my place.

KOMISAREK: Oh...is that tonight? I must have totally forgotten. See, I'm already scheduled at the...uh...orphan puppy institute. Yeah, we're having this masquerade ball to promote awareness and stuff. Sorry.

PHANEUF: It's ok. You just say hi to those orphan puppies for the Leafs, ok? You make sure the Leafs are well represented. 'cuz we're all classy 'n shit.

KOMISAREK: Will do, Dion. See you guys, have a good night! (KOMISAREK leaves, KESSEL, PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, and BOZAK continue on their way.)

CUTHBERT:...Hey wait a minute...

PHANEUF: What? Is it about Mike?

CUTHBERT: No, no...it's just that girl over there....bitch stole my costume!

BOZAK: You're a sexy nurse. That's, like, the most generic sexy lady costume out there.

CUTHBERT: I'm gonna go kick her ass. (CUTHBERT leaves)

PHANEUF: Woo! You show her what for, honey!

CUTHBERT: I love you babe!

KESSEL: Awesome, we get to see two chicks fight!

BOZAK: Have you ever seen two chicks fight, like, for real? Not in the “Oh, you ripped of my shirt, now let's make out: fights you seen in porn, but like an actual, knock-down, drag-out match? It's scary ass shit. (They run into TIM BRENT, dressed as Robin Hood, MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI, dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts, and NIKOLAI KULEMIN, who is carrying a hacksaw and has one lower leg covered in fake blood.)

TIM BRENT: Phil!

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Bozie!

BRENT: Dion!

GRABOVSKI: And Dion's lady!

NIKOLI KULEMIN: (stares blankly ahead for several moments, then mumbles something in Russian.)

PHANEUF: Hey guys! How is your night?

BRENT: It's been amazing! Grabbo, do what I told you to do for the costume.

GRABOVSKI: As you vish.

BRENT: Dude, he just does that and he's like, drowning in ladies. It's amazing!

KESSEL: Kulie, I didn't take you for the bar crawling with these guys type. Don't you, like, have a wife and baby or something?

KULEMIN: Inconleebabble!

BRENT: Oh, hamburgers.

GRABOVSKI: Is not right word! You's being confused.

BOZAK: Wait a second,,,are all you guys various roles of Cary Elwes?

KESSEL: Holy crap, they are!

BRENT: And unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a British accent. (CUTHBERT returns, roughed up, carrying an eyepatch and a large, fake needle.)

CUTHBERT: Hey guys!

KESSEL: Elisha...are you ok?

CUTHBERT: Pfft, just some scrapes and bruises, that;'s all. Plus, I scored this eye patch and a fake needle that's filled with vodka!

PHANEUF: That's my girl! (they high five and engage in sloppy making out)

BOZAK: Hey guys, there's the Beer Store right there!

KESSEL: Awesome! I knew it was around here somewhere.

PHANEUF: Son of a bitch!

CUTHBERT: What the hell? Is it closed?

BRENT: Oh man, that sucks! Where are we gonna get beer now?

PHANEUF: Well, I know in Quebec you can buy beer at the gas station.

BOZAK: That would be great, except Quebec is several hours away.

GRABOVSKI: Plus, we has to go through Ottawa for gettings Quebec, which is sucks.

KULEMIN: Fuck that Ottawa noise.

CUTHBERT: Well, Michigan's a little closer to us than Quebec is.

KESSEL: Except Michigan sucks ass.

PHANEUF: Look, I think we can figure out something for the party tonight. Let's just head back and explain what happened. I'm sure the guys will understand and we'll probably be able to have a great time without drinking.

KESSEL: I doubt it.

Stay tuned for part 3! 

Maple Leafs Chat:When the steaks are high

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, you guys know what I miss most about Montreal?
KesselRun81Parsecs:  The strippers?
ButtonsAndBeauch: Buying beer at the gas station?
SchennSational: Warming your hands on a freshly-lit car fire?
KomiKazi: OK, fine, those things are also great. But what I really miss are the steaks.
ButtonsAndBeauch: What about the steaks? What’s so special about it?
KomiKazi: It’s just got all of these spices and stuff.  It’s amazing!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Dude, you can just buy it in stores and make steaks at home.
KomiKazi: Get out of here! You mean you can just BUY Montreal steak seasoning?
SchennSational: Well…yeah.
KomiKazi: You must not be able to buy it in Canada, right? I mean, it’d sounds pretty stupid to call it “Montreal steak seasoning”   when you’re so close to Montreal. Kinda like how they don’t call it New York Strip Steak in New York, right?
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’ve seen it before. Sometimes it’s just “steak seasoning” but sometimes they mark it as “Montreal seasoning.”
KomiKazi:…
KomiKazi: You guys…this changes everything, you guys.
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Sometimes I like putting it on my baked potatoes. It’s tasty.
KomiKazi: OMIGOD! I never knew you could do that! But is it actual steak seasoning? I always thought there were special spices, like tears of French people or something.
SchennSational: I’m gonna default to Beauch on this one.
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’d say it’s pretty tasty.
KomiKazi: I’m gonna go to the grocery store and get like a 10 pound sack. I’ll get one of those smaller bottles and keep it on me so I can have Montreal steak all the time!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  You don’t wanna do that, ya know. Ya don’t wanna overdo the awesomeness.
SchennSational: Kessel’s right, you have to do stuff in moderation and such.
Grab_Bag: Hallos. You know what I most miss of Montreal?
KomiKazi: What?
Grab_Bag: NOTHING!
Grab_Bag: /stabs fruit.

An Open letter to All Leafs Fans From Mikhail Grabovski

Hellos Fannings of Leafs,

Is Mikhail Grabovski. I am knowing of crazy stuff on internet about fight I had in Vancouver. Is crazy shit talk, and I am here for settings it right.

First, in Belarus, we have been taught to never make fist with women. I am still shock at North America, where I see not only is fisting with women ok, but people charge money to watch it in Internet! In Belarus, you make fist with womans, she hits you back twice as hard! What a country!

This legal suit is especially crazy because Vancouver was nutso while Olympics. Every night, drunk peoples in streets and places, cheering, yelling, singing songs real loud. Was crazy! Was crazy night when fight break out, like 10 or 12 people all kung fu fighting. Is a little bit frightening.

But anyway, I no start fight with any stupid Habs fan. Even if they are, as we say in Belarus, a bag of douche. I could no start fight with a BROKEN WRIST. I silly talk that I start fight because not only was wrist broken, but I discover great drink called Piña Colada! Luke Schenn tell me of Garth Brooks, who is country man who sings about Piña Coladas. He is much strong fine man to sing of these:

But seriously, these piña colada thingys are like dessert you drink. Is much tasties.

As Leafs player this year, I promise you much Habs fist-beating, much puck-scoring, and many more fun pictures. For Halloween, I may don eyepatch because I look like guy in “Escape from New York” and “Escape from LA.” I no see it, but Dion Phaneuf tells me it win like 12 Oscars of explosions.


Oh well, it is time for rest and training for Mikhail. Go Leafs go!
Mikhail.

Fake Interviews with Real People: Mikhail Grabovski, part 2

Part one of this fake interview here

LOSER DOMI: Mikhail, I’d like to thank you for coming back for another interview.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Is no problem at all, lady.
LD: Now, some of your fans have found…rather odd pictures of you. What is it with you and pineapples? Is there some sort of tradition in Belarus with pineapples?
MG: But pined apples don’t even grow in Belarus! How could we have traditions with pineapples when we have no pineapple?
LD: So what is going on in these photos?
MG: Well, since I get to big hockey leagues, I see movies and TV shows where they show people on beaches that have drinks in pineapple and sexy bikini ladies dancing. So I was thinking maybe if you have one part, the other parts come in. Like, you have beach and the drinks and ladies just show up. So I thinking…if I make drinks in pineapple, then nice summer and bikinis ladies will come, too!
LD: So…you basically tried to make your life the video for “Big Pimpin’”?
MG: What, is something wrong with that?
LD: No, it’s just…unlikely.
MG: You’s don’t know any of it. It taked me 30 minutes to even get little bit of peel off that pineapple. It make mess. Juice all over place. But pineapple still so sweet and tasty. Such delicious goo inside.
LD: And so full of Vitamin C and fiber as well.
MG: Indeed. Is success fruit! But still, no sexy bikini ladies come in. I think this may be since I try experiment when I play in Moscow. Not many women become sexy bikini ladies because it is too cold there.
LD: OK, how about we do some Proust questionnaire stuff? First, what is your favorite curse word?
MG: Is tie: orange or Poland.
LD: Mikhail…those aren’t swears. Orange is a fruit and color while Poland is a country.
MG: They’s not even hard core curse words. But is still fun to say.
LD: What character from fiction do you most admire?
MG: I think…Draco from the Rocky movie, or Rickard Wallin
LD: But Rickard Wallin isn’t even—oh forget it, I’m just going to go with it. What are the qualities you most admire in a man?
MG: I admire strongness and ballsiness.
LD:And the traits you most admire in a woman?
MG: I admire big…bangs. And eyes. And communications about feelings stuff.
LD: Uhh…ok…
MG: Is ok if we end now? I have appointment for hair style. Minsk Mullet does not take care of self.
LD: It’s ok, Grabbo. Thank you again!

Mikhail Grabovski's Secret Injury Diary: Part 2

Much peoples have been asking for new Grabovski injury update. Who am I to be guy to deny fans? Here is Mikhail diary two!

I was guest on Lee Stempniak advice show. He is very odd fellow. He has little black and white cat that is not real cat. Lee says the cat is harmless, but it stares at me with eyes of killer. Lee may be odd guy, but if he really want to pay Mikhail 50 buck to play pals, it is 50 buck I no have before. No problem for me!

On weekend, I go and see moviefilm “The Wolfman”. At first, I thought it was documentary of Phil Kessel or Jonas Gustavsson, but it is not. I have here review of movie film which may spoil things, so do not read if you care about movie.

“The Wolfman” star two fine actors—Sad Spanish Guy and Hannibal Lecter. Sad Spanish Guy is actor with daddy issues. Why he is not doing porno, like all other actors with daddy issues, I am not knowing. But anyway, Sad Spanish Guy gets a letter from his brother’s fiancée saying his brother has been found dead—ripped up and in terrible shape. So he goes home to England and his father, Hannibal Lector. Sad Spanish Guy has had some bad stuff happen to him before, like his mom looking like she killed herself, so family places is all sad but HUGE.

Since Sad Spanish Guy knows something is weird, so he goes to gypsy camp. Now, I know not of you, but I never hear of any book or movie where meeting with Gypsies was not bad news. I am sure Gypsies are OK in normal live, by they always bad things happen in books and TV. But then, the werewolf attack the Gypsies! The werewolf bite Sad Spanish Guy and he is in bad shape, but get stitched up. Then there are some weird visions and stuff.

The full moon come again, and Sad Spanish Guy finds out he is werewolf! He almost is hunted, but he rip the guts and shit out of a bunch of guys. Then Hannibal Lecter put Sad Spanish Guy in mental asylum, where he is tortured and a bunch of bad stuff. Then Hannibal Lecter tells a story and it turns out he is werewolf too! Then Sad Spanish Guy transforms and rips the shit out of a bunch of other guys. Then some time passes. Sad Spanish Guy go back home, the house catches fire, Sad Spanish Guy kill Hannibal Lecter (while they are both werewolves.) This whole time, dead brother’s fiancée has been trying to save Sad Spanish Guy. But on same night Sad Spanish Guy and Hannibal Lecter fight, she gets gun and silver bullets and shoots Sad Spanish Guy and that is end.

It was okay movie. It really look like Sad Spanish Guy was ripping the shit out of guys when he was wolfman. But both Sad Spanish Guy and Hannbal Lecter look like guys that needed naps. They both look like very tired guys. Then again, Sad Spanish Guy always look tired (and I think they had to shave him when he was wolfman.) But like, whole cast was so tired. They needed electrolytes or something. Maybe fruit juice.

Oh well. It is time to go to bed for Mikhail. Keep on rocking!

Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Valentines for All

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK, MIKE KOMISAREK, and MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI are on a couch in STEMPNIAK's house)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of Ask Lee Stempniak!
MIKE KOMISAREK: It’s ask the injury reserve edition! The best advice show Hot Pockets can buy!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Death pockets!
STEMPNIAK: With me are fellow hockey players Mike Komisarek and Mikhail Grabovski. It’s a special Valentine’s edition of the show this time.
KOMISAREK: It’s the kind of thing we do great.
STEMPNIAK: The first question is from Alex in Westchester, who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: My girlfriend and I have an anniversary coming up. Neither of us is really into romantic stuff, so you got any ideas for dates that aren’t just the standard “dinner and a movie” or “cook each other dinner” bullcrap?”
KOMISAREK: Hrmmm…it depends what you and your girl are into. If you guys are both into a certain band or if your both hockey fans, I’d suggest you go to a concert or a game.
GRABOVSKI: And I cans say if yous in hockey or other sports, you can talk about game while it goes. Is not like in movie or concert.
STEMPNIAK: You know what else you could do is, like, those workshops that Home Depot does where you learn how to do home improvement stuff. Another kind of “offbeat” thing you can do is go to a firing range followed by a nice dinner—you know, a mix of soft feminine with hard butch.
KOMISAREK: Honestly, if a girl wanted to go to Home Depot and a firing range with me, I’d drop to one knee and propose on the spot.
STEMPNIAK: Our next letter is from Shoshanna in Kingston who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and we’re going out to karaoke with some friends. The problem is that we don’t really like any of the same music. What are some romantic song selections that aren’t too sappy that we can both like?”
KOMISAREK: You two will have to answer this one because I know I would be way too tempted to sing stuff like “Baby Got Back” or something. LA Face with an Oakland booty! (makes whipping noise)
STEMPNIAK: You know, I always thought that “Born to Run” was a nice, not-too-sappy love song.

GRABOVSKI: …yous serious?
STEMPNIAK: Well, yeah.
KOMISAREK: Dude, “Born to Run” is about getting the Hell out of New Jersey.
STEMPNIAK: But it’s got that whole “let’s take on the world and have adventures” vibe…
KOMISAREK: It couldn’t be more about getting the fuck out of New Jersey if Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to “Tramps like us gotta get the fuck out of New Jersey.” It says the word “suicide” twice!
STEMPNIAK: …I like my reading of it better. Grabbo, what do you think is a good love song?
GRABOVSKI: I likes that version of Springsteen, is how I sing it now! I also likes Rolling Stones! But for singings, I liking “Tequila.”
STEMPNIAK: Well, hey, that one’s funny and cute and would be a great memory, I guess.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, even Grabbo would know the words, which is more than I can say for Dion Phaneuf.
STEMPNIAK: Moving on…Kyle in Scarborough asks, “I’m currently living in an apartment with my brother and his girlfriend. We all get along great, except for one thing. Sometimes, I can hear them having sex through the walls when I’m trying to sleep! Should I mention this or just let it slide?”
GRABOVSKI: How hot is girlfriend?
STEMPNIAK: That’s just wrong, Mikhail.
KOMISAREK: Seriously. That is DO NOT ENTER territory.
GRABOVSKI: Well, maybes if overhearing sexytimes is worst of living there, is not such bad living place, no?
STEMPNIAK: I…didn’t understand a word of that.
KOMISAREK: I think what Grabbo means is that if overhearing sex every now and then is the biggest problem, this Kyle guy doesn’t have it so bad for roommates.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, unless it’s, say, every night or if it’s REALLY loud, then he might want to mention something. But if it’s just every now and then, some earplugs on the nightstand never hurt anybody.
GRABOVSKI: Lee, I no like your black and white cat. He stares at me for whole time, and cat only stares at things when they goings to kill it.
STEMPNIAK: Guys, that’s just Buttons. He likes everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s not ever a real cat—he’s just a stuffed toy.
KOMISAREK: See? I told you it was real! I so wasn’t making it up!
GRABOVSKI: O….kay…
KOMISAREK: Look, Lee…I think I have an appointment for uh, whatever’s wrong with me. I gotta go. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Bye Mike! Are you sure you don’t wanna stick around?
KOMISAREK:…I think this one might be important.
GRABOVSKI: I must be goings, too.
STEMPNIAK: Ahh, you too, Grabbo?
GRABOVSKI: Yeah, I as weblog to update and cute girls to text. It takes me extra long because of hurty wrists. Have fun with your kitty, Lee! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, bye, Mikhail…you know Buttons, there’s no reason to sulk alone. I’m going to brush you out and we’re gonna have a killer night on the town, whaddya say? Well…yeah, it might be a bit odd, but we could at least see a movie or something. I’m sure they’d let you in…Alright! Let me get my best brown suit and we’re off!

Mikhail Grabovski's Secret Injury Diary

Hallos folks! Is me, Belorussian Hockey man Mihkail Grabovski! Now, I knows you all asking, "Mikhail, how you type with broken wrist?" Well readers, I make talk to text thingy work for Mikhail, because Alexei Ponikarovsky cannot be translationer all the time. He tells me has things to do, like wash hair and do laundry. I think he is liar-face.

I check online and it says I in injured reserve with Mike Van Ryn, Wayne Primeau, and Tim Brent. First, I must be asking, WHO THE FUCK IS TIM BRENT? But Wayne and Mikey are nice guys, even if they are broken. The sounds of Mikey's iron lung are much soothing. Is good for me, as I have started meditation program to relax and heal better. Wayne says he could try but his knee is too hurty. In Belarus, he would have been shot, like horse, even though Belorussian bullets will not heal hurt legs.

But being injured is so boring! I still skate, but I am not allowed to shoot puck, so I have practice like half time. It means less time to make fun of Vesa Toskala for looking like liquor store bum. But I know, Vesa be best fashionable liquor store bum ever.

I start online diary to pass boredom, except my injured life is pretty boring. I watch Maury Povich for first time. It was a "Who is Daddy?" episode. I like how when the guy is not father, he does awesome dance. And then when lady is right and the guy is father, she does awesome dance. I have made note to never, ever upset Maury Povich woman, because she could probably rip off my head and eat me (if she does not break ears with yelling first.)

Last night I have strange dream. I was standing with woman in wheelchair and I had giant skate. These painkillers are brutal. Oh well. Almost as weird as that one with the pineapples. Time to relax and drink lots of juice. Keep on rocking! --Mikhail

Holiday Kesstacular, part 2!

Part one

(at a local mall, PHIL KESSEL and MIKHAIL GRABOSKI are walking around Christmas shopping)
PHIL KESSEL: Wow, Grabbo, this place is packed!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS!
KESSEL: You are so weird.
GRABOVSKI: What? Is good cheer for mall shopping. And is not as weird as all the people here. Why not they shop later? Why they all here at once?
KESSEL: Well, Grabbo, it’s the mall. It’s one of the most important inventions of North America. It offers several stores under one roof. You probably don’t have stuff like malls, jeans, and pantyhose in Belarus, but they’re part of the modern way of life here in the non-commie world.
GRABOVSKI:…Huh? You say something? I was busy texting hot bitches on my Blackberry.
KESSEL: (sighs) Never mind.
GRABOVSKI: Why yous so down in garbage, Phil?
KESSEL: I think you mean “down in the dumps”, but it’s just that…Ron’s big on me volunteering in Toronto , and I can’t seem to find anything that fits.
GRABOVSKI: Hrmmm…what languages you speak?
KESSEL: English, and, uh…more English.
GRABOVSKI: Too bad. Me and Poni could use help. We do translationing for immigrants at crisis place.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, everybody has a thing but me. I dunno what I’m gonna do.
GRABOVSKI: I has faith you find something.
KESSEL: Wait a second...Hey Grabbo, you see that Mall Santa over there? He reminds me of this guy I knew as a kid. He’d drive around in an unmarked van giving candy to kids. (they move into the line for MALL SANTA.)
GRABOVSKI: Free candy? Wowee!
KESSEL: Not really, Grabbo. There’s a reason people called him “pedophile Bob.”
GRABOVSKI: But this guy has a big beard, and hat, you can’t see his face, how you know?
KESSEL: Can you see his pinky on his left hand? It doesn’t move with the rest of his hand. That’s because some kid bit it off in self-defense.
MALL SANTA: (starting out nice before getting progressively creepier) Ho! Ho! Ho! Now come on up here, little boy (puts LITTLE TOMMY, about 8, on lap.) Oh, boy, you got a pretty mouth. What’s your name?
TOMMY: My name’s Tommy and I’m eight years old.
MALL SANTA: Tommy? Now that’s a great name for a strong and handsome boy like you. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.
TOMMY: I want a dinosaur, an Optimus Prime, and a guitar.
MALL SANTA: (now really creepy) You know, Santa can do so much more for you than just that…
TOMMY: I wanna get down now.
MALL SANTA: Why don’t you stay on Santa’s lap a little longer?
TOMMY: I WANT DOWN NOW!
GRABOVSKI: Lets little kid off!

(KESSEL grabs TOMMY off MALL SANTA’s lap and punches MALL SANTA in the face. GRABOVSKI jumps on MALL SANTA’s back and lands two quick punches to his sides before MALL SANTA shrugs him off, knocking over a large Christmas tree in the process. GRABOVSKI punches MALL SANTA in the back of his knees and bites his ankle as KESSEL and MALL SANTA exchange gut punches. At one point, GRABOVSKI attempts to flee after flashing two peace signs to the crowd, but by then MALL SECURITY has shown up and apprehends all three men.)

Several hours later, in jail…

GRABOVSKI: Is we going to gets deported now? I don’t want to go back to Belarus!
KESSEL: I hope we don’t. But man, what about the kids? We beat up Santa Claus in front of a bunch of kids. Well, it was more like a wrestling match, but still! We’re gonna get hate mail, like, forever.
GRABOVSKI: And they’s become Sens fans now.
KESSEL: Ew, that’s even worse. (POLICE OFFICER enters.)
POLICE OFFICER: I take it you two are the ones who assaulted a Santa in the mall? (GRABOVSKI and KESSEL nod.) Now, as for you two, it turns out that your assault brought it to our attention that this mall Santa, AKA Robert Cullingham, AKA Roberto Alvarezo, AKA Bob Jeremy was, in fact, a known pedophile and sex offender who somehow slipped through the cracks. On behalf of the police force, we appreciate your help, but…you still assaulted a man and caused a bit of property damage, not to mention the damage to those little kids who had to see Santa dragged away in handcuffs. But, since you’re both first time offenders, I wouldn’t be surprised if all you got was some anger management training, some fines, and some community service. You're probably banned from that mall for life, too. Luckily, you got a buddy that posted bail for both of you, so you can go now. (lets GRABOVSKI and KESSEL out of jail cell.)
MALL SANTA (in a separate cell.) The ginger one bit me! You little bastard, I’ll probably need rabies shots for this!
POLICE OFFICER: You keep it down there!

(outside of jail)
RON WILSON: You two are lucky the Leafs don’t have that much time off between games this month, otherwise you would have spent a few days in there.
GRABOVSKI: Wow, thanks, Coach!
KESSEL: Yeah, that was great of you to—
WILSON: I’m not finished yet. What the hell were you two thinking?
KESSEL: But coach, he’s a pedophile!
WILSON: I guess you’re really going to have to find that work that fits now, Phil.

LOLeafs: Getting antsy edition

as usual, all photos from AP/Yahoo

Just a Story from A Player’s Perspective: Mike Van Ryn

I'd like to thank JaredOfLondon for being a most excellent writing partner. I'd like to think that this could be a pretty accurate look into a day in the life of Mike Van Ryn.

It can be hard to find close friends when you play hockey—there’s always the risk of getting traded, clashing egos and such. But when you’re a hockey player like me, it can be even harder. You always feel like such an outsider because you spend so much time in surgeries and hospitals, so you totally miss out on team bonding stuff. Sometimes, it feels like the only friends I could have would be doctors and trainers. It’s a shame because, I figure, I’m a friendly guy. I can make friends with people.


One time after practice, I went to Lee Stempniak. I told him, “Lee, there’s this new sushi place I was lookin’ at. Wanna try it out with me?” Lee turned around and sighed, “Mike, I don’t think that such a good idea.” I asked him, “Why? Did you try it out and it’s a bad place or something?” He shook his head. “No, Mike, it’s just that you’re bleeding from your ears again.” I touched the side of my head and yes, I was bleeding from my ears. “Damn, I hate when that happens”, I said. “It does that in the spring when it’s going to rain.” Lee looked confused and said, “But Mike, it’s not spring, it’s actually October.” I asked, “Really? Maybe it’s from the October windstorms. So, you still wanna try that place out, maybe some other time?” Lee shook his head again, “Nothing against you Mike, but I just don’t like fish all that much. To be honest, fish creep me out a bit. But if you want to come by my place for some beer and Hot Pockets, I would love that.” That was kind of weird, so I asked with a laugh, “Well, if you don’t want to, that’s ok, but fish are creepy? What’d they do Stempy, kill your entire family?” Lee’s eyes got wetter, and he left the room without saying anything.


Mikhail Grabovski was next to him, trying to stab some sort of fruit he had. I wondered how he got the cooler of fruit and rather large knife into the room. I asked him if he wanted to try the place, and all he said was, "Mmmm! In Belarus, fruit makes YOU salad!" I told Grabbo that didn’t make any sense and he answered, “You must hunt the fruit, sneeks up on them an BAM! Now, free you are to feast on tasty fruit goo!” He then stabbed a watermelon, letting the juice ooze all over his fingers and onto the floor. I took a few seconds to let that sink in. Maybe asking Grabbo about anything was a bad idea. I told him “Grabbo, you are a wonderful man, but I just can't keep up with your high paced life style, all these knives and exploding citrus is extra dangerous for someone like me.” Grabbo then picked up a pineapple from a cooler and stabbed at that, slicing off the skin with a cold detachment that sent shivers down my spine. Suddenly, I felt a stinging in my eye. I screamed, “AHHHHHH!! PINAPPLE JUICE IN MY EYE! IT STINGS! IT STINGS! ...Maybe some other time, Grabbo?” Grabbo shrugged and said, “Wait, have cup of juice before you go!” He threw a cup of apple juice at me, breaking my nose. I cried , “You just broke my nose, Grabbo!” He answered, “Sorry Mikey! I's not used to hitting things, I miss most times.” “That’s ok, Mikhail, I’ll just go” I gasped. He smiled and said, “Okie dokie, hmmm no more fruits, to the market I go. Later ,Mr. broken Mikey!”


I caught my breath and found one of the trainers, Fred, alone in one of the recovery rooms. I yelled, “Hey! Fred the trainer guy! I got something to ask you!” He sighed, exasperated, and said, “Mike, I can't reattach the buttons on your jacket. I can't fix everything that's broken on you.” I shook my head. “Well actually, the only thing I’m looking to fix is my crushing loneliness. Everyone I know either runs away from me or hurts me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Fred smiled and said, “It’s ok Mike, you know I’m always here for you, usually with 10lbs of gauze and some blood plasma. Why don’t you tell me about it?” Out of habit, I hopped onto the examination table. I said, “Sometimes, Fred, I feel like I'm just hurting myself. I fell twice getting the mail today. Grabovski nearly killed me with a paper cup earlier.” Fred carefully patted me on my shoulder. “You just need some support, and not just crutches this time. You need a good friend, someone who you can talk to”, he suggested. I smiled a little. “Thanks Fred. You wanna talk some more, like, over a dinner or something? I know this new place that just opened up.” Fred nodded and added, “That sounds really good Mike. You want to ride in the wheel chair? Just for fun this time.” I said,“That’s awesome! It’s like it was meant to be, you know just where it hurts!” He smirked. “You mean everywhere?” “Exactly! And you can make it better! Wanna go for some sushi?”


Fred the trainer and I rode off into the sunset. He whispered, “Well, you do need protein to help your bones knit!” I was puzzled. “But my bones are fine right now, Fred." He grinned. "Give it a day or two, Mike.” I giggled, “Oh you.”

Maple Leafs Chat: ESL 101

***Welcome to Stajan's Place, playing NHL '09 chat room!***
StajanNotCajun: I scored on you, Johnny! Take that!
WhiteLightning: Nice! Can you fist pump in this game?
Schenn_Sational: Wait, guys...we're hockey players. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird we're playing...ourselves?
SonOFAMitch: Nah, it's not weird, 'cuz I can punch Matty in the face all day long and not get tired. It's awesome!
StajanNotCajun: Jerk!
***PoniRides4ABuck and Grab_Bag have entered the chat room!***
***PoniRides4ABuck has dumped off Grab_Bag!***
PoniRides4ABuck: SUCKERS!
***PoniRides4ABuck has left the chat room!***
Grab_bag: Allo Comerades!
WhiteLightning: Ah crap, Ponikarovsky dumped Grabovski on us! Matty, you got any papers you can put down?
SonOFAMitch: Fuck, I'm gonna get fuckin' rabies or something, aren't I?
StajanNotCajun: Come on guys! Grabbo's not a puppy or something, he's just Belorussian.
Schenn_Sational: Yeah, it can't be that hard.
StajanNotCajun: That's what she said!
Grab_Bag: I nos understands "is what she said." Mine english is no good, all broke to shit.
WhiteLightning: Well, what's so difficult to understand, Grabbo?
Grab_Bag: Is Luke who says that, and he has stubble, Adam's Apple, big hands...probably huge cock like horse. Luke is not she, all HE!
StajanNotCajun: "That's what she said" is an expression, it's not a literal thing. It's like...."raining cats and dogs"--cats and dogs don't actually fall from the sky.
Schenn_Sational: Basically "that's what she said" is a sentence that, if someone said it somewhere else, it'd sounds kinda...dirty.
SonOFAMitch:It sounds like something a lady might say before, during, or after you're fuckin' her.
Grab_Bag: But who am I fucking? Who is SHE? Do I pick? I pick...Carmen Electra!
StajanNotCajun: You don't need to actually fuck anyone for "that's what she said" to work.
Grab_Bag: Ahwww...I wanted the Electra...
WhiteLightning: No, Grabbo...like Matty said, it's not a literal thing. It's a pun--you know, a play on words?
Schenn_Sational:It's a pun on a few different levels...here, let me get some paper and a few different colors of markers...
***2 hours later...***
Schenn_Sational: Now, does that make any more sense, Grabbo?
SonOFAMitch: My head hurts...
StajanNotCajun: So much grammar...
WhiteLightning: I'm not sure I understand "That's what she said" any more.
Grab_Bag: A little more sense...no. Not really.
StajanNotCajun: Aw, screw it! I got Die Hard movies and beer. Those don't need much translation. Who wants to order pizza?
Grab_Bag: Yippee-Ki-yay, motherfucker!
Schenn_Sational: See Grabbo, your English is already getting better!

Maple Leafs Chat: Welcome to HOTlanta

***Welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs Chat room!***
PoniRides4ABuck: Oh, hi, TomasKaberle.
DeathKabs4QT: Hi Poni.
PoniRides4ABuck: Are you sad? You seem sad.
DeathKabs4QT: I don’t know. Maybe. Pavel was here for only 3 or 4 years. Is not long at all for a team. And he was such trouble, always shedding like cat. So much hair.
PoniRides4ABuck: I know! Nik always leave room and it look like tornado hit it.
DeathKabs4QT: We’ll be fine. They have good times ahead in Atlanta.
PoniRides4ABuck: ...
DeathKabs4QT:...
***PoniRides4ABuck has started bawling his eyes out***
PoniRides4ABuck: It still stings!
***DeathKabs4QT has started bawling his eyes out***
DeathKabs4QT: I’ll still miss him!
***Grab_bag has entered the chat room***
Grab_bag: Are you both guys OK?
PoniRides4ABuck: Uh, yeah. Fine.
DeathKabs4QT: Totally not crying over departed team mates.
PoniRides4ABuck: I have allergies and a cold.
DeathKabs4QT: And I was chopping onions and then eating onions earlier.
Grab_Bag: Oh.
***Welcome to the Atlanta Thrashers chat room!***
Pavel_Road: Hello? Anyone here?
Pavel_Road: /consumes Vicodin
Kovalchuk_Norris: Are you here to kill me?
Pavel_Road: Uh...no. I don’t think so.
Kovalchuk_Norris: Well, crap--I mean, good. Are you big guy from Toronto?
Pavel_Road: Uh, yeah. But my country requires me to do this.
***Pavel_Road has kicked Kovalchuk_Norris in the shins***
Pavel_Road: Sixty-eight! Sixty-eight!
Pavel_Road: /consumes vicodin
Kovalchuk_Norris: Fair enough.
Pavel_Road: I even bring little playmate for you.
Tim_Bit: Hi! I sleep in a drawer!
***Antrobot_80000 has entered the chat room!***
Pavel_Road:...Antropov?
Antrobot_80000: HOBO GUY! And you bring snack!
Tim_bit: Please don’t eat me!
Kovalchuk_Norris: Are you going to kick my shins too?
Antrobot_80000: No, is fine. What are all these people in Thrashers jerseys?
Kovalchuk_Norris: They are Thrashers fans! Very loyal!
Pavel_Road: They look like sacks of potatos in Thrashers shirts.
Kovalchuk_Norris: Season ticket holders! Other new guy--Don’t eat them!
Antrobot_80000: Mmmm potatoes.
Pavel_Road: You should cook them first.
Antrobot_80000: Ilya, your fans need butter.

Still alive, and with facts!

I get quite a bit of flack for being a Leafs fan Everybody knows
about how 1967 was the last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup, but they don’t
know much else. In an effort to help you all out, here are 10 Facts about the Toronto
Maple Leafs that I bet you never knew:

1: There isn’t a chin behind Pavel Kubina’s beard, only another stick that’s ready to
break at a bad time.

2: Vesa Toskala lost his virginity before his father did. That’s because Vesa Toskala is
a dirty slut.

3: Tomas Kaberle rubs his skin with a stick of cold, unsalted butter every day to
maintain his rosy cheeked-glow.

4: Luke Schenn was in a mall and accidentally bumped into a woman. Luke apologized
and left. Nine months later, Octomom happened.

5: Curtis Joseph avoids wearing pants whenever possible.

6: Lee Stempniak has a favorite color.

7: Despite his limited grasp on the English language, Mikhail Grabovski’s favorite TV
shows are “The Price is Right” and “Wheel of Fortune”.

8:Matt Stajan listens to Beyonce unironically.

9: Ian White’s mustache has no natural enemies, except a razor.

10: When he’s not on the ice or training, Brad May likes to eat a big bowl of Lucky
Charms while playing the game “Viva Pinata”.

post! at another place

Over at Barry Melrose Rocks, I have a new fake chat room that I hacked my way into. You guys should check it out.

Anyway, here's Grabovski with an important message for Flames players: