A Player's Perspective: Max Talbot

To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I write from the point of view of Maxime Talbot. Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.

So one night, I go out with my crew. We’re all feeling good—we had won the previous game, it was Friday night in Pittsburgh (don’t laugh, some of those bitches are fine.) I stocked up on my patented Chick Bait—double Stuff Ores and the finest of Boone’s farm. Chicks dig that, and trust me I know all about chicks ‘cause I’m the great Maxime Talbot, and they are just stupid walking vaginas fit for me to plunder.

So I go up to this one girl. She was pretty great looking, you know, all dressed up just for me (since I’m so freaking awesome.) I got to her and the conversation goes like this:

Me: “Hi, I’m Max Talbot”

Her: “Uh, ok, uh, do I know you?

I didn’t get it. Shouldn’t she be falling over herself at the fact that I chose her out of all the chicks here to talk to? I tried again: “I got some Boone’s Farm and Double Stuff Oreos in my car.” She says to me, “What the fuck do you think I am? Fourteen? Get out of here!”

I was shocked. How dare that stuck up English American bitch turn me down like that! I couldn’t figure it out, so I just left her alone. Damn bitch probably had herpes or something. I found Marc-André Fleury in a comer in the back. He said, OH Max, it’s all OK. I’ll eat your Oreos and drink your Boone’s Farm.” I told him, “No Marc, those are for the hot bitches, not gangly horse-toothed freaks like you. Let’s get out of here.” He says, “OK, I’ll just wait for these two hot coeds to finish blowing me. You girls are 18, right?”

Tabernack fouckin’ ostie!

Hello Operator...it's the Penguins

(SCENE: SIDNEY CROSBY, JORDAN STAAL and MARC-ANDRE FLEURY are all sitting in a hotel room in Detroit.)

FLEURY: Man, I’m so bored! What do we do in Detroit for fun?

CROSBY: I dunno. We could…go bowling?

STAAL: Nah.

FLEURY: We could throw water balloons at cars.

CROSBY: I don’t think the drivers would like that much.

STAAL: We could prank call people.

CROSBY: Isn’t that illegal?

STAAL: (as he takes hotel phone and dials a random number) Maybe. (hands phone to CROSBY) Ok, just make up a fake name.

CROSBY: (in phone) Uh, hi. This is Fakey Fakename…erton. Uhhh… (to STAAL and FLEURY) What do I do now?

FLEURY: Ask if dere refrigerator is running!

CROSBY: Is you refrigerator malfunctioning?

ANSWERER: Actually, Yes, it has been for the past two GODDAMN WEEKS and NONE of you lazy sonsaBITCHES can seem to get off your asses come and take a look at…

STAAL: Just hang up, just hang up (CROSBY hangs up the phone) Ooh, DUDE! Gimme the phone, I got a great one! (dials number) It’s ringing…ringing…Hello, is this the residence of Eric Staal?

ERIC STAAL: Uh, yeah, Eric speaking. Why may I ask are you calling?

JORDAN STAAL: I’m from the Pittsburgh Penguins and it seems your brother Jordan just broke his ankle and we were wondering if you’d come in and substitute.

ERIC STAAL:…seriously?

JORDAN STAAL: No way, I’m just FOOLING with ya, man! (hangs up phone and all three laugh hysterically)

FLEURY: I got good one! (takes phone and dials number) Hello, I, uh, (giggles) Sidney Crosby. And if you (giggles) hit self on head with da phone (giggles) I give you a million dollars.

FEMALE ANSWERER: You don’t sound anything like Sidney Crosby!

FLEURY: I have a bad hallergies. (hangs up) She didn’t fall for it. So disappointing.

CROSBY: Wait guys, I got one. (CROSBY takes phone and dials a number. FLEURY’s cell phone rings)

FLEURY: Allo?

STAAL: Sid, you can’t prank call somebody when they’re in the room with you. It just doesn’t work.

CROSBY: Aw, shucks.