Carlo Colaiacovo's Amazon Antics

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO, MATT STAJAN, and ERIC LINDROS are on a canoe on the Amazon.)

COLAIACOVO: Hello, everybody. Once again I am traveling to an exotic location in an effort to find a shaman or…something to remedy my terrible injury curse.
LINDROS: Hey everyone!
STAJAN: Wait, who are you guys talking to? Did I miss something?
COLAIACOVO: This time, I’m in the Amazon rainforest with my good buddies Matt Stajan and Eric Lindros
STAJAN: Amazon? Is this where all the books come from?
LINDROS: No, this is the home of those warrior women who’ll kick our asses, isn’t it?
STAJAN: So…Tonya Harding’s hometown? (a blow dart seems to come out of nowhere and hits LINDROS’s neck)
LINDROS: uhhhh, I don’t feel so—(falls asleep)
COLAIACOVO: What the Hell? (two more blow darts appear and hit COLAIACOVO and STAJAN, who fall asleep immediately. Later, the three awaken curled up together in an isolated “mud hut” type village

LINDROS: (groggy) Why isn’t it over here? I put it here yesterday.
COLAIACOVO: (groggy) Mommy, my head hurts…
STAJAN: (groggy) I won’t miss the bus…(sits up and realizes where he is) Oh God Damn it! Why do I always pass out and then wake up looking like I had a gay orgy?
LINDROS: Wait—orgy? Where?
COLAIACOVO: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this…(What appear to be three nude male TRIBAL LEADERS enter)
STAJAN: Naked people! I knew this was a gay orgy!
LEADER 1: No, you are wrong.
LINDROS: Wow! You sure do speak English good!
COLAIACOVO: You guys aren’t, like, cannibals or anything, are you? ‘Cause you look like every other tribe of cannibals I’ve seen on “Indiana Jones” and stuff like that.
LEADER 2: Oh, don’t be silly! We’re not cannibals (mumbled) all the time. (normal voice) We’re just ex-pat nudists who have formed our own colony here in the beautiful wilderness of the Amazon.
STAJAN: But why did you have to tranquilize us?
LEADER 1: You seemed so lost and, uh, stressed. It was just an herbal relaxing supplement.
LINDROS: Well, it certainly worked. I mean, I am really relaxed right now.
LEADER 2 (whispered to LEADER 3): The blond and the other young guy are too young. I say we take the big dumb guy
LEADER 3: Which big dumb guy?
COLAIACOVO: Well um, could you guys direct us to some sort of civilization? No offense—you have a nice little village here, but uh, we need to get back home.
LEADER 2: We do have a motor boat, but they only hold three people
STAJAN: Well, there’s three of us—that works out perfectly.
LEADER 3: We want them back.
STAJAN: oh, right. Yeah…
LEADER 1: We can send two of you with one of us and then he’ll come back for your third person.
LINDROS: Oh man! This is like that puzzle thingy in school with the boat and a wolf, a chicken and a bag of rice! I could never figure that one out.
COLAIACOVO: OK so, how’s about Matt and I will go with one of you and then we’ll come back. (General agreement all around, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO board a boat with LEADER 3 as LINDROS remains with LEADERS 1 and 2)

LEADER 1: I’ll have to be honest—those blow darts were more than just herbal supplements. They actually had marinade in them as well.
LINDROS: But I thought you weren’t cannibals!
LEADER 2: We’re not cannibals all the time—
LEADER 1: But we are always nudists.
LEADER 2: --you need to very your diet to survive, after all—but we liked the looks of you. The other two were too young for us. But you’ll do nicely as the “guest of honour” for our great feast.

(Later on, with LEADER 3, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO)

COLAIACOVO: I’m so disappointed. I’ve been looking all over for some sort of shaman or a blessing or something and I haven’t found a thing.

STAJAN: Maybe you just need to look harder.
COLAIACOVO: In fact, I’m probably worse off than when I started. I probably have like fourteen different worms in my stomach right now
STAJAN: Or, like, some rare STD that’s a cross breed of herpes and AIDS that just bitch-slaps your dick till it falls off.
COLAIACOVO: And you know something? I don’t know what they injected me with but I’m so relaxed that I don’t even care about that. It could all be true and I just…don’t care.
STAJAN: I know, it’s like it’s all going to come up Stajan no matter what happens.
LEADER 3: Well, this is as far as I can take you. Your friend is not coming.
STAJAN: What? Why?
LEADER 3: He, er, decided to join our colony while the two of you were still unconscious. He said he admired our way of life and that his old way of life was far too stressful.
STAJAN: so, Eric Lindros is now living in a nudist colony in the Amazon? Well, stranger things have happened. Like, Tim McGraw once did a duet with Nelly.
COLAIACOVO: And Tie Domi was once captain of the Leafs. I just wish Eric told us he was leaving first so we could say goodbye.
STAJAN: Well, if he’s happy, I guess that’s the important thing, you know that he found peace and such. That’s really cool.

(Later, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO on a plane ride home)

COLAIACOVO: Well folks, I didn’t find a shaman or anything, but Eric Lindros did find a less stressful life and inner happiness, so I guess it all worked out.
STAJAN: Hey Carlo, do you have a feeling that something should have happened but it didn’t?
COLAIACOVO: What do you mean?
STAJAN: Like something that’s happened before was supposed to happen again, but it didn’t?
COLAIACOVO: Matt, I have no idea what you are talking about.
STAJAN: That’s ok, neither do I.