"The Covenant", or, LD Watches Bad Movies so you don't have to

You know how when there’s not hockey on, you have to find other things to do with your time? Well, back in January there were two Saturdays in a row without any Leafs hockey on. That’s when I finally decided to sit down and actually watch “The Covenant.”

Now, I should explain why this movie. It was filmed at my school my first year (fall of 2005) and I had the great chance to be a paid extra in it. However, when it came out, I heard almost no positive reviews for it,(rotten tomatoes gives it a 3 out of 100) so I didn’t go and see it. I’ve been avoiding it this whole time until now.

Since I was an extra in it, I may get more of a kick out of it than anyone else. Also, most of my review comes from the chat I was running with Heather of Wrap Around Curl at the time. I also got really hammered for reasons that will be discussed later.

So, quick synopsis: back in the days of the Salem Witch trials, there were five families who escaped persecution and settled in another place. Over the years, they kept the powers pretty secret and became really rich powerful families, except one branch that apparently died out. The whole plot centers around a group of 4 guys who are the descendants of these powerful families. I’m terrible with names, except I know the leader is Caleb (for the record DRINK everytime someone says Caleb). I will also refer to him as “mini-Crosby” because he looks like Sidney Crosby except he doesn’t punch anyone in the junk. There are also Mini-Eminem (blonde, stupid, douche), longish Hair (longish Hair, drives a motorcycle, stupid douche) and some fourth guy who gets so little attention I didn’t even bother coming up with a name for him. So anyway, these four guys are at a really exclusive prep school in New England and about to “ascend”, which I guess is like a male witch version of puberty, where they get their full powers. This all seems well and good except remember the fifth family? Apparently they NEVER died out and the boy from that family wants to take mini-Crosby’s powers because…he can. That’s how shit goes down in this movie. Maybe he has he panties in a bunch from the whole “not allowed to be one of the cool kids who rule everything” but whatever.

8:12 PM i have seen bits of it before
they showed our admin/proff offices building like every minute

Note. Here is the building in question normally:


It is home to administration, the business office, admissions and several professors’ offices.
Here it is in the movie (for screencaps, just ignore the Japanese in the corner, as I may or may not hae just streamed it from Youku instead of buying it or downloading it)

DRINK EVERY TIME YOU SEE THIS BUILDING. You will get hammered guaranteed. Here’s a bit from the chat:

8:38 PM me: i'm drinking everytime they show the admin building
in 2.5 minutes of playing, I have had 3 drinks
ad I think i missed some
8:39 PM Heather: you are gonna be hammered

So it starts off with this big bonfire party, because there’s nothing rich spoiled kids love more than standing around in the woods drinking. Someone sees the cops coming, so they all get out of there. Mini Crosby, Mini Eminem, Longish hair, and the forth guy get in a car and use their great powers to make the car go off a cliff without dying.

Heather: I remember making fun of the trailer for this
me: as you probably should have
all I know is they filmed at bishop's and I got paid to stand around one night
Heather: I called it a ripoff of The Craft
…
8:47 PM "harry potter can kiss my ass!"--great line for the covenant
Heather: that's amazing
8:48 PM me: as they're driving over a cliff to escape cops while leaving a party

So then mini-Crosby goes home to his mom, they talk about how his dad used up his magic, which apparently causes the person to get addicted to magic and age super fast. I know this is supposed to be super dramatic, but considering the whole movie seems like the final project for the Honor Society of the Keanu Reeves Acting School, I am having a hard time not laughing. You know, who needs facial expressions or emotions when you’re as hot as these boys, amirite?
And now, we get to see who I think is mini-Crosby’s maybe girlfriend showering for some reason. From the chat:

8:57 PM oh there's no shower scene quite like a gratuitous shower scene
8:59 PM Heather: just like in Pucked
me: sorta
only less hockey
9:00 PM Heather: there really wasnt hockey in pucked

And then there’s some generic “OMIGOD I’m so spooked out but it turned out to be nothing stuff.


So Longish hair and mini-crosby talk on the phone about gratuitous useage of powers while mini-Crosby (Caleb) is driving, except he almost gets in a car crash! But his powers cause the car to disintergrate so Caleb’s ok! Kids, hang up and drive unless you’re some sort of warlock who can use his powers for good or for awesome (the more you know…)


There’s some closeness stuff between Caleb and the maybe girlfriend. They go out to the old family colonial cottage and talk about stuff. More generic spooky movie stuff followed by more warnings to Caleb Mini-Crosby to be careful. I half expect a “with great power comes great responsibility” type line, but it doesn’t come. Well, Shucks.


Generic bar scene comes next. My main issue is if they’re in prep school, they shouldn’t be of college age, so they shouldn’t be in a dive like this. The Fabulous Four (I’m so using that term for them now) see a girl in a short skirt and…

9:11 PM gratitoitus upskrit FTW!
9:12 PM Heather: niceeeee
9:13 PM me: ok, so in almost 30 minutes of movies, these boys who have such amazing powers have used them for teh following: jumping from cliff to a bonfire party, vomiting on command, making a car disappear to escape the cops, one made another car disintergrate when he was talking on his phone and ran into a truck, and to blow some random chick's skirt up
Heather: I remember some of that from the trailer

me: yeah
that's most of the trailer

At this point we get to meet Evil dude, or Rogue. He’s the fifth family’s kid. Actually, we may have seen him before, but it’s not like it matters

me: OMG GIRL DANCING SULTRY ESQUE
to I love rock n roll
how didn';t this win an oscar!
Heather: so original!
me: they got robbed

At this point, I think I’ll just let the chat speak for itself, with only a few screen grabs, explanations, etc to clear it up.

9:19 PM OMG levitation n shit!
these guys are greatness
like magna cum laude from Willam Shatner's acting class
Heather: LOL
9:20 PM me: the run down old buildings you see are slightly less wooden then they are
9:21 PM maybe it was Keanu Reeve's acting class and not shatners
I dunno
…
less! emphasis! on ! every! word

more mumbly and slackjawed expressions
9:24 PM and OMG they showed McGreer again!
Heather: drinkkkkk
9:25 PM me: like 3 in a row
me: OMG SPIDERS
lots and lots of spiders!!
in a girl's room! while she's sleeping in essentially undies!
this is oscar calibre shit right here!
9:27 PM Heather: girls never sleep in just undies
even when its super hot

me: oh thank god it was just a bad dream
I know, why sleep in just like undies and camisole? it gets freaking cold that way
9:28 PM and hot shirtless boys in bed!
Heather: sign me up!
…
9:35 PM how nice, the hot boys are the swim team, so you know what that means?
Heather: bow chicka wow wowwwww
me: hoty boys=z in speedos lol
and more gratutitous shower scenes!
Heather: yes!

for the ladiessssss
9:36 PM me: actual dialog :
"What are you looking at, fag?"
"that thing between your legs. It's like a penis, only smaller"
and then they fight
Heather: wtf?!
me: in a shower scene after "practice"
9:37 PM I put that in quotes as they just walk around in speedos and talk about something
which is evidently such hard work they must shower afterwards
9:38 PM Heather: clearly

…
me: and now the swim boys are actually swimming
in speedos
yippe!
9:53 PM Heather: hawtness
me: cus you know every school movie needs a sports moment
…
9:57 PM holy crap I just did like 7 drinks in a row b/c of McGreer rule
9:58 PM Heather: you might die!
be careful
me: and apparently prep schools don't have "nurses" they have "infirmery"
It's just amusing to me, since the same building that's teh dorms is also admissions office

….
So there were some hallucinations and stuff of spiders and other generic freaky shit made up by evil Dude, so the Fabulous Four has to go to where some original book is and learn how to knock this evil dude out of the game.

10:09 PM me: and now the covenant has floating books and flames and candles n shit
10:10 PM Heather: wow
scary
me: i know
cause they're descended from witches and whatnot

Apparently Rogue Guy materialized a shitload of spiders to attack Longish Hair’s girlfriend and sent her into analphalatic shock. You know, standard diva stuff.
and the rogue guy put a spell on little Crosby's girlfriend's rommate

10:11 PM SPIDERS!
the roomie is girlfriends with long haired guy
so he is PISSED cuz she
10:12 PM is in the hospital for analphalatic shock, yanno, from a buncha spider bites
….
I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS ACTUAL DIALOGUE "come to save little miss muffet have we? well you're too late! a spider came and sat down beside here and frightened miss muffet away!"
actual fucking dialog
as longish hair revs up his bike
Heather: wow
this movie is full of win
me: ZOMG MATRIX STYLE CAMERA WORK
10:15 PM with longish hair driving toward rogue guy on a motorcycle
longish hair crashes

There’s apparently a ball or something (the scene I got to be in!) but at this point I am so smammered I don’t even really care anymore. Rogue Guy lures mini-Crosby to some abandoned barn so Rogue guy can steal Mini-Crosby’s powers as he “Ascends” and gets his powers

10:22 PM I think rogue guy just made a your mom insult to mini crosby
he will destroy them all when Caleb (min Crosby) "ascends" whatever the hell that means
10:24 PM MOAR TELEKENISIS! FTW!
Heather: I love telekenisis!
OH! Plot development! Rogue Guy has kidnapped Mim-Crosby’s girl and will kill her (or possibly just ruin her dress for the Fall Fest thingy.)
10:49 PM wait....did I just hear "how about I make you my wi-atch"?
like beyotch, but with witches?

10:56 PM ok, so in the climatic barn fight scene, we have fire, balls of what looks like gelatin and random old farm implements all FTW pitchforks n shit
me: more actual dialog :
11:02 PM rogue dude: "are you ready to say uncle?"
mini crosby:"I;m ready for you to go to hell"
11:04 PM oooh kick in the face while lying down
me: OK so now min crosby and rogue boy look like they're just hurling balls of jello at each other
but it's 'MAGIC"
11:06 PM or something
11:10 PM aw shucks mini crosby missed the dance to hurl gelatin balls

I’m pretty sure that there was a conversation that went a bit like this in post-production:
Director: so, We have Evil guy throw a fireball at Caleb—
Producer: Uh, we can’t afford to CGI fireballs
Director: well I dunno, make them do SOMETHING! Have them throw some magic at each other!
What resulted was this:
Yeah, wavy air hurts people. Whatever. Evil dude throws his balls of magic at Mini Crosby's face (HA!)
Mini-Crosby wins and Rogue Guy turns into dust or something. I don’t remember and I really don’t care at this point. All I know is cute boys throwing stuff at each other and acting more wooden than the old colonial buildings around them. I have seen movies like this in that the more you drink, the better it gets. Plot holes seal themselves up, dialogue becomes realistic, and in general it just makes sense. In fact, I'm pretty sure that for this movie if you drank enough tgo make you pass out, this becomes like "Citizen Kane" good.

Why I am a Hockey/Leafs Fan

X-posted over at a very fine Toronto Maple Leafs Blog

Why I am a Leafs Fan

I’ll be honest—sometimes I wonder why I chose to be a fan of the Maple Leafs. I don’t have any personal connections to Toronto or any hockey memories with my family. The only connection I have to hockey at all is that as a little kid, one of my favorite segments of gym class was whenever we did floor hockey. In winter, we did mainly basketball (by “did basketball”, I mean “mainly just skills drills instead of actually playing the game”, one of the reasons I don’t like basketball now.) This went on for what seemed like forever—at least four months straight, except a short gymnastics unit when we were really little. However, for two glorious weeks (only about two weeks since the custodial staff didn’t like cleaning up the scuff marks), we had floor hockey. I was never an athletic kid—never on any teams, always picked last, etc.—but at floor hockey I freaking ruled. Actually, maybe I didn’t—I was a goalie for a while and when I started to realize I sucked at that I became a more…let’s say “enthusiastic” defensive force (basically find the guy with the puck and grind him down, which led to more than one high stick/unnecessary roughness/etc penalty.) Aside from this fact, I have no reason to be interested in hockey at all, much less a Leafs fan.

I remember starting to casually follow the NHL early in high school. At the time I was convinced that I would become an incredibly awesome screenwriter, and one of my stories involved a hockey team. The only problem with writing a hockey movie was that my knowledge of hockey was skeletal at best, so I had to do research. The more I researched, the more interested I became.

I had been a fan of other sports before. When I was really little, among the plethora of jobs I wanted to be when I grew up was an NFL announcer just so I could use the telestrator to draw stuff on the field. While football was interesting, it seemed far too intricate with too many loopy rules. Baseball and basketball seemed too slow and too filled with idiot primadonnas for my tastes. But hockey was accessible to me—the rules seemed less loopy, the players seemed like OK people—so I was drawn in.

In 2003 or 2004, I forget, an extracurricular group I was in had organized a trip up to Montreal to see the Canadiens play the Bruins. I had already gotten bit by the hockey bug, so of course I went. Even though we were way up in the cement nosebleeds, the energy, the excitement, the electricity in the air all enthralled me. Unlike other sports, it seemed like no matter where I looked on the ice or around me there was something interesting to see. Instead of watching fat guys standing around a field, there was something exciting in ever single corner of the ice. It was perfect for someone like me who can get very easily distracted. Guys, I could have been born a Habs fan on that day, despite a 1-0 loss to those smegging Bruins.

And yet I didn’t. I’m not sure why I chose the Leafs over any other team. The only possible influence that I might have had is the fact that I coincidentally share a last name with a former Leaf who didn’t do jack shit for the team. Maybe it was a few too many childhood hits to the head. Maybe I have a thing for losers. Maybe you guys had cookies. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am a Leafs fan and I have had a blast so far being a Leafs fan. As the expression goes, I will stay the course, and I have made my bed and I will lie in it. Judging from some of the great company I have made, at least I won’t be alone.