Leafer Madness, Part 3

READ THESE BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST:

disclaimers
Part one
Part two

(SCENE: a lighthouse on the rocky cliffs of the island. COLAIACOVO, returned from the dead, is sleeping in a bed. He wakes up and KYLE WELLWOOD is standing next to the bed)

COLAIACOVO: Kyle?

WELLWOOD: What happened, Carlo? We all thought that the soldiers killed you.

COLAIACOVO: I sold my soul to Satan after they killed me. I’m not going to just get killed right off the bat like that. It’s not fair that they took me away just because of my weakness for Asian women in tiny miniskirts. I had to give up my left forearm too, so now I have this chainsaw.

WELLWOOD: Groovy.

COLAIACOVO: Who else is in this lighthouse with you?

WELLWOOD: There’s also Matt, Alex, Ian, and Jiri. Actually, there was Jiri. Alex said that he fell during the watch last night and died, but to be totally honest I don’t trust Alex when he says that Jiri just fell.

(Flashback to the previous night. ALEX STEEN and JIRI TLUSTY are on the balcony of the lighthouse. Alex appears to see something on the rocks.

STEEN: Jiri, look at that down there.

TLUSTY: It looks like a dead body.

STEEN: Go check it out, Jiri

TLUSTY: Why should I do it, Alex?

STEEN: That’s what rookies do, Jiri. They check out suspicious objects that look like bodies. You’ll understand when you’ve been playing pro for a few years. (After seeing that nobody seems to be watching, STEEN pushes TLUSTY over the edge to his death on the rocks.)

TLUSTY: *screams*

STEEN: (seeming concerned) Oh, shit, JIRI! (He then leaves the lighthouse to get the body, which turns out to be COLAIACOVO)

WELLWOOD: Let’s just say…that I think Jiri fell with a little help from Alex, if you know what I mean.

COLAIACOVO: No, I don’t know what you mean. I don’t think that I ever do. You read books and stuff.

WELLWOOD: I think it’s just about lunchtime. I’ll get something for you. I’d let you out, but Matt doesn’t entirely trust you since you did come back from the dead.

COLAIACOVO: That’s understandable, I guess. (WELLWOOD leaves the bedroom and enters a kitchen where STEEN is sitting at a table and MATT STAJAN is preparing Spaghetti-o’s. )

STEEN:..I mean, I tried to catch the guy but I just couldn’t get a grip. It was such a freak accident. Hey Kyle, how’s Coco doing?

WELLWOOD: Well, he’s up and talking. He’s still pretty tired, though. He seems okay for a guy who just sold his soul to Satan.

STAJAN: I don’t know, Kyle. Hey, I think we should feed Carlo first. I mean, the guy has literally been to Hell and back. He needs the extra strength.

WELLWOOD: Fine with me.

STEEN: I’ll go get Ian from watch and let him know the food’s ready. (STEEN leaves. As soon as he thinks that nobody is watching, STAJAN pours out a bowl of Spaghetti-o’s and empties into it a small vial labeled “poison”. )

STAJAN: I never understood why people always sold their souls to Satan. Why not sell it to Jesus or someone else? (IAN WHITE and STEEN enter.)

WHITE: Because Jesus doesn’t accept Mastercard. Thank you, Matt (Takes bowl of Spaghetti-o’s from STAJAN) Nice, Spaghetti-o’s! (WHITE sits down and starts eating the Spaghettios.)

COLAIACOVO: (Entering from bedroom) How are you guys? (Before anyone can answer, WHITE goes into convulsions and starts spitting blood)

WELLWOOD: Ian? IAN!

WHITE: *gurgles blood*

COLAIACOVO: OK guys, let’s not panic or do something stupid….

WELLWOOD: Yeah guys, let’s not start a huge gunfight over an accidental poisoning…

COLAIACOVO: You’ve seen the movie but you lied about it! You should be dead! (fires up chainsaw and tears into WELLWOOD.)

WELLWOOD: *screams of death and extreme pain* (STAJAN grabs rifle with a bayonet from an adjacent table and starts firing at COLAIACOVO. STAJAN is not a great shot and COLAIACOVO advances towards STEEN. STEEN grabs a semi-automatic next to him.)

COLAIACOVO: This is for pushing Jiri, you treacherous SONOVABITCH! (COLAIACOVO and STEEN fight. Eventually, STAJAN shoots COLAIACOVO dead and wounds STEEN, who by this point has also turned a table over as protection)

STAJAN : You pushed Jiri? You ARE a son of a whore! (fires)

STEEN: At least I actually killed someone without screwing it up (fires and severely wounds STAJAN. They continue exchanging rounds until there is lots of blood on the ground and they run out of ammo. STAJAN attaches the bayonet and throws his gun like a spear at STEEN and it connects in his chest, killing STEEN)

STAJAN : (weary from multiple gunshot wounds) How stupid, we might have survived. (STAJAN slowly dies of his wounds.)