Friday, August 29, 2008

Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 4

Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3

(SCENE: SEAN AVERY is sitting alone at home, drinking and playing Grand Theft Auto)

AVERY: GAH! I got wasted after only 2 stars? This game is friggin’ impossible! (drains ninth Appletini) God, those things are good. Siiigh…I’m so bored…and lonely…and horny. Well, it looks like it’s time for a visit from one of my favourite señoritas, Juanita! (puts dirty sock over his left hand and speaks in voice much like Eric Cartman’s Jennifer Lopez ) Oh hey babe!

JUANITA: Don’t you “hey babe” me, cholo! I saw you with those two black hose over in the laundry basket.

AVERY: Do you mean Shaneekwa and De’Kondrei? Baby… that was just sex—it didn’t mean anything to me, unlike you. Now come here and keep me company—Daddy’s kind of lonely tonight.

JUANITA: Maybe you’re so lonely ‘cause you act like a grande asshat to anyone you meet. Remember that Raevynne chick? []Wasn’t that just like holding a mirror up to yourself?

AVERY: You know, you’re right Juanita. She showed me that being a rude conceited ass will only get you what you want, like, 85% of the time. Maybe I should do some apologizing. I really pissed off a lot of people. (takes out phone, dials DARCY TUCKER)

TUCKER: Hello?

AVERY: Hi, is this Darcy Tucker? Listen, I want to apologize.

TUCKER: Uhh, who is this calling, please?

AVERY: It’s me, man! Captain Cock Knocker! Sean Mutha Fuckin’ Avery! Who’d you think it was?

TUCKER: I should find out where you live and beat you so the bruises don’t show, asshole, or sodomize you with a rusty chainsaw! Where the flying fucksticks did you get this number?

AVERY: No, I wanna apologize!

TUCKER: Apologize? You? How uninstigator-like of you.

AVERY:I know I’ve been a total asshat you before and that was just ice talk, you know? Like, I’m supposed to piss people off and I just called to say I’m sorry for telling the preemie looking guy to die of cancer and for banging your mom and I’m sorry for starting those rumours on the internet that you’re totally into bestiality—

TUCKER: What about my mom? And what rumours I’m into bestiality?

AVERY: You’ll hear them, don’t worry. Look—er, listen, since you’re on the phone—I think that even though we’ll be enemies off the ice, I bet we could totally be best buddies off it. We could even be shopping buddies, I mean, you got this great butch thing going—

TUCKER: Lemme check my pants—ok, I got Bow, chicka and bow wow. Sorry Sean I have two testicles and a penis, so I’ll have to decline.

AVERY: But why? I think we’d be great buddies!

TUCKER: Well, I’m kind of confused by your tactics, so I’ll keep acting tough until I figure it out.

AVERY:That’s all I could ask for, buddy! Feel free to call me anytime ! (hangs up) Wow, that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. (dials MARTIN BRODEUR)


AVERY: Marrrrrty! Yo man, it’s Avery. I wanna apologize to you.

BRODEUR: Bullcrap! No way has Sean Avery ever apologized for anything. You’re just Parise or someone screwing with me.

AVERY:No way, it’s really me. Listen, I really do want to apologize for, you know, calling you fat and waving my stick in your face. I get paid to piss people off and I try to do well at my job. Besides, my stick is so much longer than yours.

BRODEUR: Whatever, my stick is wider. I heard the ladies love that more than length anyway.

AVERY: Yeah, listen, I’ll make it up to you: I’ll make you my special apology pie. I swear I won’t even put any Ex-Lax in it this time.

BRODEUR: I’d have to say no. How are you going to mail it?

AVERY: I hadn’t thought of that, but hey, it’s the thought that counts right?

BRODEUR: O…kay. Ummm…I’m going to hang up now. I think I have a…food…in the oven.

AVERY: OK, good luck, man! (hangs up) And now for the hardest one of all (Dials ELISHA CUTHBERT’s number. DION PHANEUF answers)

PHANEUF: Hello? (AVERY hangs up)

AVERY: Shit! I can’t call her. Maybe if I texted her…it’s worth a shot.

AVERY: plz cum back 2 me?


AVERY:bcuz dion has the AIDS n herps

CUTHBERT/PHANUEUF: no I don’t. U know what she’s doin? me



AVERY: Damn cock knockers. Well, Juanita, it looks like it’s just us tonight.

JUANITA: Why don’t you wash me every now and again? I’m so crusty you’re gonna cut yourself, cholo!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Player's Perspective: Max Talbot

To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I write from the point of view of Maxime Talbot. Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.

So one night, I go out with my crew. We’re all feeling good—we had won the previous game, it was Friday night in Pittsburgh (don’t laugh, some of those bitches are fine.) I stocked up on my patented Chick Bait—double Stuff Ores and the finest of Boone’s farm. Chicks dig that, and trust me I know all about chicks ‘cause I’m the great Maxime Talbot, and they are just stupid walking vaginas fit for me to plunder.

So I go up to this one girl. She was pretty great looking, you know, all dressed up just for me (since I’m so freaking awesome.) I got to her and the conversation goes like this:

Me: “Hi, I’m Max Talbot”

Her: “Uh, ok, uh, do I know you?

I didn’t get it. Shouldn’t she be falling over herself at the fact that I chose her out of all the chicks here to talk to? I tried again: “I got some Boone’s Farm and Double Stuff Oreos in my car.” She says to me, “What the fuck do you think I am? Fourteen? Get out of here!”

I was shocked. How dare that stuck up English American bitch turn me down like that! I couldn’t figure it out, so I just left her alone. Damn bitch probably had herpes or something. I found Marc-André Fleury in a comer in the back. He said, OH Max, it’s all OK. I’ll eat your Oreos and drink your Boone’s Farm.” I told him, “No Marc, those are for the hot bitches, not gangly horse-toothed freaks like you. Let’s get out of here.” He says, “OK, I’ll just wait for these two hot coeds to finish blowing me. You girls are 18, right?”

Tabernack fouckin’ ostie!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bloggonation Nubbin' Rubbins

You know, I seriously love masturbation. It's relaxing, buckets of fun, plus there is zero risk of STDs or pregnancy. I thought I'd do a little blog eqvialent of nubbin' rubbin' and share some of the search terms used to find me. Usually people find me via other blogs who have me on their blogrolls (or pictures of Marc Andre Fleury), but the odd Google/Yahoo!/whatever search term still gets me people. I have also included my own reflections on the terms used.

Alex Steen wife--I'm pretty sure his real wife would actually kick my ass in a fair fight

"hot boss male intern"--Bow chicka bow wow! It'd probably go something like, "oh, I dropped a pencil, Let's fuck!"

Wonderful cock--good to see animal husbandry is still being encouraged

drawings cock--Oh, someone's looking for rooster artwrok. How nice!

domi lesbi (Dutch search)--Dammit! I need to close my window shades more often! (just kidding...or am I?)

jordan staal phone number--Gee, stalk much?

"loser gets pied in the face"--o...kay

female fight losers sucks cock--I'm sure jaredoflondon will have something interesting to say about this one...

I have a little cock--You know, that's ok! It's grear you're so comfortable with your body like that.

big saggy knockers--I always thought perkier was better. Also, someone once told me that "anything more than a mouthful is just waste."

give it to me so more domi
(French search)--Dis mon nom, conne, DIS MON NOM!

bong hit in towel
--Is this even possible? I imagine it'd really take down your buzz--I mean, not like I'd know about these sort of things anyway...

Mccabe of mccabe--I can't even make any sense out of this one, and it was an English language search. Damn

unibrow tit punching--Don't laugh--in some countires it's a national sport.

"john leclair" video cock--You know, I got to support a fellow Vermonter, but....pleasedon'texist, pleasedon'texist

bryan its over--Muahahahahaha!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Favre to Sundin: “Quit Dicking Around, Man”

In a strongly worded letter New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre asked Toronto Maple Leafs player Mats Sundin to reach a decision about his future.

According to inside sources, Farve wrote a letter that was delivered to Sundin’s home in Sweden. What follows is, according to reports, the content of the letter:

“Hey Mats, I know you don’t think of me as much of a hockey guy, but I am a sports guy, and all I got to say is quit dicking around, man! You know, I love masturbating as much as anyone else, but in the end, I realize I’m just fucking myself. Messing with media types can be fun, but it gets kinda old once in a while. Seriously—flip a coin, throw darts at a board, get a damn Ouija board for all I care—just make some sort of choice! I’m going to stop writing now, as my 40-something arm gets tired sometime. God, I love Vicodin. And Wrangler jeans. And money.”

Sources have yet to confirm Sundin’s reaction to the letter, but add that he reports “loving sleeping until noon and not wearing socks or pants unless necessary.”

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Just a Story from a Player's Perspective: Evgeni Malkin

A while ago, Wrap Around Curl got a hold of some fanfiction written about Evgeni Malkin. I read it and glanced over some other such fanfics (in-depth reading made me feel creepy and stalker-ish.) However, I noticed one significant trait—all of the stories were told from the author’s perspective, and not that of the players. I felt there was a void that needed filling; that there needed to be some sort of a supplement to what was already there—you know, to balance things out. So pour your finest of Boone’s Farm and grab your battery operated devices for Just a Story from a Player Perspective: Evgeni Malkin!

A few days ago I saw Elizabeth. She had on a black dress again—always with the black with her. I don’t know why. But at least she’s not one of those emo kids. That’s always a plus. She’s always so worried about her being only a week away from 18. Only a week short of 18? Like that would actually stop me and most other NHL dudes. You should see the kind of gutter tramps Max Talbot picks up with Boone’s Farm and Double Stuff Oreos.

So anyway, we drove around looking for somewhere to eat and after a while we learn there wasn’t anywhere that was open. Then I thought, “well, doesn’t she work at Denny’s? Aren’t they always open, like, all the time?” But since she spends so much time complaining about working there, I thought that must be like the last place on earth she wanted to go. Too bad she wasn’t in Russia I’d just take her to my restaurant. It’s a pretty neat place. Anyway, we got coffee and then we were at this park and she was all “I don’t want to get you in trouble, blahblahblah feelings blahblahblah you’re a nice guy BUT I don’t want to bang you yet.” Or something like that—she keeps forgetting I only understand about 3 words out of any given sentence she says. Anyway, we start kissing and I saw her earrings and all I could think was, “These are really nice! I bet my mom would like a pair just like them. I should ask her where she got them.” Then she started on with the whole feelings stuff again. Oh well. Maybe this’ll all blow over before the season starts.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Quick question...

Hey, does anyone know of a website that has a Loser League for hockey? I've seen them for the NFL--basically you create a fantasy team with the intention of making the worst team ever. If I could find one and be commissioner, would people be interested in joining? I've never done this sort of thing before, but I'd love to do something.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Bizzaro Leafs Report: Fletcher signs Lindros to 1-Year Contract for Colouring Books, More

Surprising news out of Toronto today as Cliff Fletcher announced that he has worked out a 1 year deal with centre Eric Lindros for “multiple colouring books and a box of crayons” with an additional incentive of “some of those super awesome crayons with the glitter in them” should the Leafs make the playoffs.

“It was a hard and well-fought negotiation process”, said Fletcher in a pres conference yesterday afternoon. “Eric’s agent originally offered 2 years and a bunch of those scented markers, but I said ‘The man already has enough brain damage and we don’t need him huffing markers to make it worse.’ We eventually settled on one year and a 96 count box with a sharpener built into the back."

This new agreement means the 35 year old and 5 time All-Star will be coming out of retirement for a second stint with the Maple Leafs after a less than satisfactory run in 2005-2006. Lindros told reporters yesterday, “I’m so glad to have another chance with the Maple Leafs organization and I promise that I will try my hardest to not suck. Retirement is so boring, I mean, you can only play so much golf and jack off so often, you know?” Besides, how could I resist all these awesome colouring books and a built-in sharpener? I’d be a fool to pass up that opportunity. I just hope they don’t give me any of those connect-the-dot thingys. Those are hard!


blogger templates | Make Money Online