Friday Youtube Yoinkage July 9, 2010

If you'll excuse me for being Sens-Suck levels of creepy, today's theme is Leafspace Monika. I'll be honest, this is just an excuse to post her interviewing Phil Kessel and hitting him with the microphone again.


In clip two, Monika interviews Brayden Schenn, who may be wearing light eyeliner:


clip three is Monika and one of her friends in the Hockey Hall of Fame. I so wish I had a friend like that to go around like that:

Wrap and LD Cover (alleged) Lohan/Avery spat!

Those of you who pay attention to this sort of thing may already know about the club spat that allegedly involved Sean Avery and Lindsay Lohan (among others.) Heather of Wrap Around Curl and I got to talking and we pieced together what the event may have looked like to observers. Plus, I get an excuse to use this gif:

(SCENE: AARON VOROS enters club with JESSICA STAM. SEAN AVERY is already seated at a table.)

SEAN AVERY: Who the hell are you two? And he can’t sit here, he’s not nearly stylish enough. But you, the blonde? You can totally sit right on me—I mean, uh, next to me.

AARON VOROS: Dude, I play on the same team as you do. We’re both part of the New York Rangers.


JESSICA STAM: And I’m his girlfriend, Jessica Stam, eh? I’m a model from Canada and I got discovered in a Tim Horton’s, eh?

SEAN AVERY: Why are you talking like that?

STAM: I am from Canada, eh?

AVERY: We don’t talk like that, seriously.

VOROS: I think it’s cute.


AVERY: I’m from Canada and I don’t talk like that.

(LINDSAY LOHAN enters)


LINDSAY LOHAN: ‘Sup sluts? I just got done with a alcohol class so let’s celebraaaaaate bitcheesssssss! (LOHAN steals bottle of wine form a neighboring table.)

AVERY: Should you really be drinking that? Aren’t you in rehab for alcoholism or something?

LOHAN: Whatever, man. I know so much about alcohol, I coulda taught that dumb class. Like, how if you have cheap vodka and you put it in a Brita filter, it gets better! Then, you put it in a Evian bottle and bazinga!—PARTY WATER!. I even started brewing my own since I couldn’t buy anything with enough burn to it.


VOROS: That…sounds like it’s totally counterintuitive to any rehab.

LOHAN: Who the Hell are you, scab?

VOROS: I’m Aaron Voros of the New York Rangers.

LOHAN: Are you an ex-boyfriend of mine?

VOROS: Maaaayyybe…

AVERY:I dunno—how much bleach do you have left?

LOHAN: Ah, screw you douche juice, I was in the Parent Trap! I was the cute one!

STAM: I dunno, wasn’t there a dog in the Parent Trap?

AVERY: And Dennis Quaid?

LOHAN: Whatever. Who’s this tramp over here?

STAM: I was aboot to be a dentist, ya you know, I was just in a Timmy Ho's getting my double double and timbits on my way back from Canada’s Wonderland. Now I model, and I travel the world, eh? I’m gonna be a pilot!

LOHAN: I do car commercials…in Japan!

STAM: I wouldn’t trust ya to dive a Tonka truck, eh?

AVERY: Oh sheeeeet, you gonna need some aloe for that burn?

VOROS: Being in a DUI PSA doesn’t count as a car commercial.


STAM: Lindsay, don’t you think you have a problem?


LOHAN: Yeah, I got a problem. I got a problem with some donut chomping skankass telling me what to do!

VOROS: Dude, chicks fights are so awesome.

AVERY: Girls, girls...ladies. Don’t fight. Not here, anyway—I don’t have my kiddie pool of jello set up

LOHAN: HEY RANGER GUY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

VOROS: uh....I knew what you were at one point.

AVERY: What happened Lilo--can I call you Lilo? You can tell me everything, Lindsay, back at my place after I put on my Teflon condom.

LOHAN: Well, I could use a friend, you know, someone to hang out with and hold my hair back when I puke and start fights with when my next movie comes out.

VOROS: Go on…

STAM: Don’t even talk to her, eh? I think I’m aboot to catch the herp from being in the same room as her.

LOHAN: This dj SUCKS! I wanna sit by them give tips. I used to date a DJ ya know! And she didn’t suck like this loser!

AVERY: Wait, are you back with the cocks or are you still in the henhouse? ‘Cuz, like, I can swing both ways, if that’s what you're into. I'm not scared of a little makeup and pretending.

STAM: What does that mean?

LOHAN: It’s called bisexual, asshat!

VOROS: Bisexual? Isn't that where you wanna kill your dad and screw your mom? Or is that the one with the mascots?

AVERY: SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE!

LOHAN: Wait…if she’s Canadian…how come she’s white?

VOROS: You can’t just ask people why they’re white. Can you?

LOHAN: I know who killed me!

STAM: Yeah, it was you. Good luck on Hollywood squares (At this point, a drink is thrown and LOHAN gets tossed out of the club.)


AVERY: Dude...did I just get out douched? and by a damn chick? I really need to step up my game.


VOROS: Nah, you’re fine.

AVERY: Who are you and why are you still talking?

Winter Classic Float entry!

Puck Daddy's having another contest . My entry is "Mighty Chara Goes to Japan". I'd like to say that Chara is really hard to draw, so I just printed and cut and pasted it. (click to enlarge)

In case you can't figure it out, Zdeno Chara's lack of clothing has scared away Godzilla.

Matt Stajan talks to the haters.

Several days ago, I received a message in my inbox from one “matt.stajan.rocks@mailingaddresscom". I don’t know if it’s real, but it appears to be from Maple Leafs forward Matt Stajan. So without further ado, take it away, Matty!

(Photo Credit: mapleleafs.com)


Hi folks. I’m Matt Stajan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I know some people might be questioning my abilities to improve this hockey club, so let me set the record straight. This is for all the haters out there, especially you, Eyebleaf—Mr. Sports and the City. Tomas Kaberle doesn’t love you! He’s just after you for your….money? Nah. Good looks? Likely. For using you as a portable manservant? Probably.


Anyway, I know some of you out there on the Internet may be haters hating on me and making negative comments. Some of you say that I look scared and that I should not be eating spaghetti . But you know what? I’m….way off topic, never mind.

Some might suggest that I’m as soft as a creampuff, or a kitten, but so what? Cream puffs are delicious! Kittens are adorable! Not everyone can be a big hulking brute. If I got in a fight and badly cut up, how would the little children with cancer react? They’d freak the hell out, that’s how! Besides, I can be tough. I was tough on environmental stuff when I told people about Earth Hour! You gotta be tough about that kind of thing, right?

And I’m good for team morale. For example, I do impressions which make the team gel and laugh together, so we work better as a team. Here’s me impersonating a tough guy:


here’s me doing an impersonation of Pavel Kubina:
(Photo credit: probably AP/Yahoo, but I've had this one for a while)

and a guy getting laid for the first time ever:

(photo credit: best interview screen grab ever)

See? I’m useful.

Besides, if it wasn’t for me and my ridiculous good looks, all the tweeners and high school ladies of the GTA wouldn’t be fawning over me and the Leafs. They’d be fawning over another player…



That’s right, Jason Spezza. Who would wish more Sens fans upon the world? Who wants more fans of GiggleTits and his psycho laugh? That’s just….wrong.

Well Leafs fans, I got to go. John Mitchell tells me they switched from a regular soccer ball to a Nerf one, so we can’t get hurt as easily. Gotta go practice!

Go Leafs Go!

Matt “Mathew” Stajan

Slashfic Summer: Pythons of London

Starring JaredofLondon from Die Hard Blue and White.
I'm going to call this just hardly PG-13 on account of some naughty words. Oh, and here is the origin of "Pythons".

Jared of London came home from yet another long night of hauling around guns and big bags of money. It was an OK job--it paid bills and put a roof over his head, but it was sadly lacking in the hot women, ninjas and monkey butlers he had always dreamed about. He entered the apartment, flicked on the light, and saw the one thing he never, ever wanted to see sitting on his couch. It was That Guy, who so often appeared in Jared's "Talking to Myself" series.

"Morning, Jackass!" said That Guy as he took a swig from what happened to be the last bottle of beer in Jared's refrigerator.

"OK, That's it!" yelled Jared. "You come in here, drink my beer, eat my food, track in mud and you don't even chip in for rent! we're settling this RIGHT. NOW! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, ASSHOLE!"

"Make me!" said That Guy as he finished the beer. Jared had always feared the day would come, when he and his intruder would have to fight for control. Jared rolled up his sleeves as That Guy advanced menacingly toward him. Jared saw That Guy coming and pinned his back to the ground. That Guy kicked Jared in the ribs and somehow, Jared's own foot began to hurt. Jared threw a few haymakers to That Guy's face but stopped when he realized his face was hurting too. That Guy then kicked Jared in the stomach, leaving Jared winded just long enough for him to wriggle free. That Guy tried to escape, but Jared grabbed his legs and punched him in the back of the knees, causing That Guy to fall to the floor. Jared searched for something--anything--he could use as a weapon when he saw a small kiddie pool filled with Jello on his floor.

"Weird" said Jared to himself. "I don't remember that being there before..."

"Shirtlessness can only improve this situation!" yelled That Guy, tearing off his shirt while tackling Jared. A dazed (and somehow shirtless) Jared tumbled backwards into the kiddie pool of Jello. That Guy saw his chance, and pounced on Jared, who bit That Guy on his arm. Jared sprung to his knees and tried to drown That Guy in the pool of Jello until he realized he couldn't breathe. Suddenly, both Jared and That Guy tried to punch each other at the same time, and thier fists connected! Python met python, fist hit fist. Time stopped, and the universe said "Oh." All it could say was 'Oh.'

Several hours later, Jared woke up on the floor of his apartment. He was covered in broken glass, blood, and Jello. Jared wasn't totally sure what had happened, but he knew three things for certain: his place was a mess, he hurt like Hell, and there was a piece of paper stapled to his hand. Gingerly, he lifted his arm to read the message scrawled across it: "You're out of beer, milk, eggs, and bread. --That Guy. P.S.: Fuck you!"

"What an asshole!" sighed Jared, right before he passed out again.

No Foil Stanley Cup Entry

This weekend I figured I would enter the Puck Daddy No Foil Stanley Cup Replica Contest. I tried making it 3D, but I discovered that newsprint-like construction paper, gluesticks, and scotch tape is not an easy medium to use to make a cup. As a result, I took a few sheets of the paper, glued them all together, and made a flatter Cup. Maybe I can give it to lil Lindros, so he can pretend to have something the real Lindros doesn't.

Check it out!

New post over at Barry Melrose rocks, in which I interview Sidney Crosby. With packing and such, I may throw up a youtube yoinkage but for a while, posts will be sparse.

post! at another place

Over at Barry Melrose Rocks, I have a new fake chat room that I hacked my way into. You guys should check it out.

Anyway, here's Grabovski with an important message for Flames players:

Hey you!

Check out my post at Barry Melrose rocks! I (fake) interview Mike Van Ryn!

The Leafs fail at life

evidence here.

Apology week continues

Hey you, check out Getting Nifty in the Clutch. I write there as well. In the mean time:

Friday YouTube Yonkage, November 21, 2008

I'd like to do a few dedications to some of my fellow bloggers/Barilkospherians today. I don't do dedications very often and if I leave you out, I'll just get you next time.

I'd like to dedicate this first video to my Wake and bake boys Archimedes (Big Smoke Sports) and Eyebleaf (Sports and the City). Jon LaJoie's "High as Fuck":



I would like to dedicate to my second clip to Jaredof/from London (Die Hard Blue and White)I'm pretty sure in his perfect world, there exist Seven Seas of R(h)ye, and not just the Queen song that follows:


To Chemmy and PPP, for maintaining a very fine Toronto Maple Leafs blog, I dedicate to you the finest song of all:

Friday YouTube Yoinkage November 7, 2008

Today I celebrate what may be the best video ever on teh Youtubes. but first...

clip one: The inspirational "Boom di yada" video


Now, allow me to explain. There was a thread over at this fine Toronto Maple Leafs blog that somehow got in a discussion of bacon. the next day Blurr1974 posted this photo of a bacon tuxedo. I of course, HAD to raise him, and posted Diet Coke with bacon. With this, the Bacon wars had begun between Blurr and I to see who could find the most ridiculous bacon themed product. It culminated in this thread, many lulz were had, and there was much bacon. Winkle created his own take of the "boom di ya da" Discovery Channel thing and turned it into Bacon yada.

Music by Burr, Video by PPP's younger sister...it's awesomeness


Clip two: BACON YADA!


clip three: MOAR BACON YADA!

new blog and new post

Check out Getting Nifty IN the Clutch! I write there as well as here, in fact, I just put up a new post over there. Check it out!

Dear Most Valuable Losers:

(LD Note: trust me on this, as I know my losers)

Dear Most Valuable Losers:

Yesterday, continuing a long-standing trend, another Toronto reporter took a cheap shot at Leaf fans. This time it was Howard Berger who called us "losers" but we've seem the same cookie-cutter article from virtually everyone who covers the team.

Quite frankly, we've had enough.

As fans, we believe that those most deserving of our praise and our scorn are directly involved in the game, whether it's on the ice, in the press box or in the executive corridors. Fans don't pencil in the starting five, make bad trades, or write the headlines of the day and shouldn't be blamed (or praised) for the totals in the wins and loss column.

Hockey may be just a game but it's also a passion. If you're looking for passionate hockey coverage that offers insight and humour and you're sick of being blamed for supporting a team you're passionate about, you have a better option.

It's time to leave the media superstars behind. There's compelling, timely, wide-ranging content waiting just for you online in the Barilkosphere.

Many have found this better way of following the Leafs, but not every Leafs fan has been so lucky. Please send this message to your fellow Leaf fans via e-mail or postings on message boards and let them know that they do have a choice.

We hope you'll join us here in the Barilkosphere and become regular readers.

• Pension Plan Puppets
• Battle of Ontario
• Big Smoke Sports
• Bitter Leaf Fan
• Cox Bloc
• Die Hard Blue and White
• Down Goes Brown
• He Score, He Shoot!
• Just Your Usual General Borschevsky
• Leafs at Hockey Analysis
• Maple Leafs Hot Stove
• Old Guys in Blue and White
• The Passion That Frustrates Us All
• Repressed Optimism
• Sports and the City
• Toronto Sports Media
• Wonderful World of Loser Domi

MYFO, mofos!

If you haven't already, you should all mosey on over to Melt Your Face Off for my preview of YOUR Toronto Maple Leafs.

Also, The Loser Brigade is pretty much filled (I think there are 11 out of the 12 spots taken.) The Autodraft will happen soon. I'll keep you posted.

Music Men at ACC

It’s odd—for some reason my computer doesn’t seem to like me commenting on certain people’s blogs. As a result, I can’t really respond to those people.

This post is my response to MF37’s post over at Bitter Leaf Fan about music choices at the ACC. Granted, I’ve never been there, but MF37 mentioned the possibility of players picking songs for whenever they score. Here are my guesses as to what they would pick:

Nik Antropov: Nik would support fellow Kazakh Corky Buchek with his song “Bing Bang”. I’m pretty sure the only way to get that song out your head is a full frontal lobotomy.

Matt Stajan: Probably “P.I.M.P” by 50 Cent (except replace “mother-fuckin” with “sock-kicking”). After all, nothing says “hard core gansta” quite like a blond hockey player from Mississauga, Ontario. The only problem is that if his girlfriend ever gets mad at him, she’ll probably sneak in and change it to “Naughty Girl” by Beyoncé.

Alex Steen: “Nerve Gonna Give You Up”, Rick Astley—“Cause, dude, it’d be, like, Rickrolling, like 20,000 people at the same time! Dude, it’d be epic!”

Jason Blake: “I Wanna be Sedated”, The Ramones—see title.

Carlo Colaiacovo: “Heart of Glass”, Blondie—give me a break, guys, I had to have at least one really cheap joke in here.

Tomas Kaberle: Kabs is a hard read for this kind of stuff. The more imaginative side of me theorizes that his fear of shooting comes from his childhood when he maimed and/or killed someone with his powerful shot (that’s why he works so hard on accuracy.) Therefore, my pick for Tomas is “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats.

That’s what I got. If you have any suggestions, go onto the comments!

Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 2

Well, cats and kittens, wraparoundcurl and I have once again put our heads together to bring you part two of our exclusive inside look of Sean Avery's summer internship at Vougue (Part one is here)

(SCENE: SEAN AVERY is bringing in coffee and lunch to a fashion photo shoot featuring two female models.)

AVERY:Lunch is here, guys. (to MODELS) ‘Sup sluts?

MODELS: Hi, Sean!

FEMALE INTERN: Eating lunch is for weirdos.

AVERY:I don’t know why we bring in food for the models at all—they’re just going to throw it up anyway. Actually…I wonder when these two are gonna “lez out”

FEMALE INTERN: Excuse me?

AVERY:If I’ve learned anything from any movie or TV show, it’s that when two really good looking women are together, they’re gonna start making out and feeling each other up. Hell, that happens even if they aren’t that attractive.

FEMALE INTERN: And exactly what movies taught you this?

AVERY: “Naughty Nurses”, “The Mighty Dykes”, “Lesbo Vampires of the Amazon.” You know, the classics.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re a pig!

AVERY:I know—a hot tub! That’ll get them going. Hey photographer guy! I got an idea. How’s about a hot tub with small strategically placed Rangers gear? But keep those high heels. Those are fabulous shoes, just fabulous shoes.

FEMALE INTERN: But then they won’t be showing off the clothes

AVERY: Who cares? There are naked people in the Abercromie and Fitch catalogue all the time and they still sell. It’ll be provocative and make people talk and buy stuff, like the Miley Cyrus thing.

FEMALE INTERN: Why would you ever combine fashion press and hockey?

AVERY:I’ll be honest with ya, cupcake, I have a vision. See, when I was in the hospital with my cock knocking spleen causing trouble, I had this dream…(flashback mode)

(SCENE: AVERY is in a hockey rink, on center ice holding one end of a string. The other end is attached to a plate holding a big slice of pie. MARTIN BRODEUR enters.)

BRODEUR: Oh boy! Faceoff pie! (BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY:Maaaaarrrrrty….

BRODEUR : Come here, you delicious pie! (again BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY: Come and get me, Marty, I’m all a la mode and shit. Whatsa matter, can’t eat me? (BRODEUR disappears. A trapdoor suddenly appears and opens, and then AVERY falls through it into an all-white featureless room.)

AVERY: What in the flying fuck…?

BOOMING VOICE :Sean, we must talk.

AVERY: You’re damn right we have to talk! Right now, I should be with at least three “Deal or No Deal” models kicking Sidney Crosby in the crotch!

BOOMING VOICE: Sean, you know that the press coverage of hockey has really gone down over the years. Would you like to see it covered beyond mentions of bench clearing brawls and horrific injuries?

AVERY:Sure, what do I do?

BOOMING VOICE: We need you to infiltrate any sort of press you can. Get yourself and hockey exposed everywhere, like they did with poker.

AVERY: Isn’t that what Sidney Crosby is for? You know, jumping through hoops for people?

BOOMING VOICE: Sidney does his job well, but we have been riding him harder than an underage Thai hooker.

AVERY: Who the hell are you, anyway? And what happens if I refuse to be your little media whore?

BOOMING VOICE : Well Sean, you don’t have to help out the hockey gods if you don’t want to. We’d just like to point out that even if you don’t need a spleen to live, a lacerated one can get pretty nasty.

AVERY: So…you’re pretty much just holding my health hostage so I help you?

BOOMING VOICE: Pretty much. How else were we supposed to get your attention?

AVERY: Fair enough. I’ll do it.

AVERY: So you see, I’m not just any cock knocker. I’m on a mission from God.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re still a pig though.

Cock Knockers Incorporated!

(glovetap to The Pensblog for the Photoshop goodness)


Hello, gentle readers. The following is a joint effort by Heather at Wrap Around Curl and I. We were going to put it up sooner to be current, but after Sean Avery was admitted to the hospital, we felt like it was in poor taste to make fun of him. However, since Captain Cock Knocker got released from the hospital, we figure he's open season.


(SCENE: Vogue offices, where a generic BOSS is giving orientation to SEAN AVERY)

BOSS: ...and among your duties will be to make copies—

AVERY:--uh, I don't do copies. I do hot bitches on copiers. Get it right.

BOSS: --and getting coffee, those sorts of things. Do you have any questions?

AVERY:Yeah, when do we get to bang the hot chicks?
BOSS:...excuse me, Sean?

AVERY: You know, the skinny bitches you got on the covers. Don't you have a warehouse full of 'em, like, having pillow fights and snorting coke off each other?

BOSS: I don't know where you are getting your ideas from, Sean, but I can assure you that you are certainly mislead.


(Later, AVERY is chatting up two attractive and young FEMALE INTERNS)

AVERY: How are you two ladies doing? You know, I'm a superstar hockey player for the Rangers.

INTERN 1: What's a hockey?

INTERN 2: Is that the one where they're on horses?

AVERY: it's when my dick is in your mouth!

BOSS:Sean, that's not really appropriate behavior to exhibit.

AVERY:What? I unplugged the security cameras first so there's no evidence of sexual harassment.

BOSS: Just get me some coffee.


(later still)


BOSS:Sean, can you come into my office for a bit? The coffee you got me tastes...odd.

AVERY:Oh, about that—I wanted to make a really good impression, so I just went ahead and Irish'd it up for you.

BOSS:Sean, you are aware that Irish coffee contains more coffee than whiskey, right? You can't just pour alcohol into people's drinks without them consenting.

AVERY:It's not like I roofied it or anything (muttering to self) like I'm going to later.

BOSS: Also, there were...issues with the copies you made for me. Now, by "issues", I really mean the fact that there is a photocopy of what appears to be your penis taking the place of every sixth page. Would you care to explain that?

AVERY:That's just how I roll. Cock Knockers, Incorporated!

BOSS: Also, is that black nail polish on your hands?

AVERY: No, boss, I totally wasn't painting my nails on company time, nosiree. See, I was...product testing! Yeah! See, the left hand has Black Satin from Chanel and the right hand has Maybelline Express Finish Nail Polish in Belging Black.

BOSS: And your assessment of them is...?

AVERY: Hell if I can tell the difference. The Chanel looks a little shimmerier, if that's even a word.

BOSS: Sean, your...idiosyncrasies have really stuck in my craw, and it's only been your first day. However, I--(AVERY delivers an elbow check, knocking BOSS unconscious)

AVERY: Hey, I was just finishing my check, that was totally a clean hit. (Exits office.)

(later, after a hard day of interning, AVERY and a mixed group of OTHER INTERNS wait in line to enter a club)

AVERY: Hey, I know this place! This one time, Marc Staal got stinking shit-faced and puked his guts out right over there. That was an awesome night. (sees random MALE STRANGER.)

MALE STRANGER: Wait a minute, you look familiar...didn't you get kicked out of here a few months back?

AVERY:uhhh...maybe? But girlfrienddddd, where did you get those shoes!?

MALE STRANGER:These shoes cost 300 fucking dollars!

AVERY: Let's get 'em! (Beats up MALE STRANGER, steals his shoes, and runs away)

Fun with flow charts

Look, I know this is somebody else's work, and I shouldn't take credit for it. In fact, I got it here.
Thing is, it's too great to pass up. I mean, how can I not post something containing the phrase, "Did Darcy Tucker just go fucking apeshit for no apparent reason?"