Blue and White Christmas: Final Act

PART 3
(At the cabin, all of the Leafs, including the coaching staff, have arrived and they are all making merry and having a generally good time)
COLTON ORR: Hey guys, you wanna hear a song I just wrote?
TYLER BOZAK: Sure!
DION PHANEUF: Whatever.
KESSEL: I like turtles.

ORR: 

You better watch out, you better not cry

You better not pout I’m telling you why

Colton Orr is coming to town

He sees you when you’re icing, he knows when you put on skates,

He’ll rearrange your face for good, so Matt Carkner don’t give me a blood borne disease.

So fuck all the Sens, and fuck all the Hab

And Lucic, man, you’re just plain sad,

Colton Orr is coming! To! TOWNNNNNN!

PHANEUF: That was beautiful.
CUTHBERT: I don’t think we’re supposed to say fuck on TV.
RON WILSON: Ah, screw it. It’s not like anyone’s actually watching this garbage anyway.
TIM BRENT: But Coach Wilson, shouldn’t we be talking about the REAL meaning of the season?
BOZAK: What are you going on about?
BRENT: Well…And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
WILSON: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, CHARLIE BROWN!
BRENT (dejectedly):…But that was Linus’s big speech…
KABERLE: This is much nice party, Dion, but I have a strong feeling as though there is something…missing.
PHANEUF: What do you mean?
KABERLE: Well, in other Leafs seasons, there was…something else that happened during holiday seasons. I cannot quite remember it…
(there is a knock at the door)
PHANEUF: Hey, Lebda, do something useful with your life—get the door. Or get me another beer. You know, whatever.
(BRETT LEBDA opens the door. It’s a strangely familiar man in a ski mask who is carrying a toy cat)
MASKED MAN: BRRRRR! It’s cold and windy out there!
BRETT LEBDA: Who the Hell are you?
MASKED MAN: Oh, sorry, I had the mask on since it was so cold outside. (Takes off mask. The MASKED MAN turns out to be LEE STEMPNIAK)
LEBDA: Holy shit, it’s the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia! I’m a big fan.
LEE STEMPNIAK: Yes, Brett. And Buttons and I have a special gift for everyone here. (STEMPNIAK takes out a gun and shoots LEBDA in the face, and then leaves.)
CUTHBERT: Did that guy just shoot Lebda in the face? Do we need an ambulance?
KABERLE: NOW I know what this party was missing! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, Leafs fans!


FIN

Blue And White Christmas: Gift of the Schenn Guys

(SCENE: Still at the “cabin”, DION PHANUEF is stuffing his face with cookies and booze.)
ELISHA CUTHBERT: Welcome back from those words from our sponsors!
DION PHANUEF:  Mmmph.
(There is a knock at the door)
CUTHBERT: Who could that be?
PHANEUF: What the hell do you want?
(CUTHBERT gets off the couch and opens the door. It’s LUKE SCHENN, PHIL KESSEL, and TYLER BOZAK.)
CUTHBERT: Hey guys! I’m so glad that you could make it all the way to our cabin!
LUKE SCHENN: Well, it’s not that hard to find this sound stage, Elisha.
TYLER BOZAK: Maybe we shouldn’t point out how all of this is fake, Luke.
PHIL KESSEL: Hi, Elisha…Is that one of those video fireplaces? Those things are so cool.
BOZAK: Yeah they are! I so wish I was the guy who thought of making a DVD by pointing my camera at a fireplace. That guy was GENIUS to get people to pay 10 bucks for a video fire.
SCHENN: I know, right? That’s retirement money right there.
KESSEL: DION! How you doin’, man?
PHANEUF: Awesome! Here, have some eggnog and cookies!
KESSEL: Kickass!
CUTHBERT:  This is so cool! I’m sure you guys have some great holiday stories to share. (Everyone has an awkward moment of silence where they’re staring at each other.) I said…(clears throat) I’m sure you have some great stories—
SCHENN: Uh, yeah! I do!
(Present “flashback” transition effects to LUKE SCHENN as an 11 year old getting ready for school back in Saskatchewan.)

SCHENN (In voiceover): I think it was the Christmas when I was about 11. My brother Brayden and I were excited to be getting ready for Christmas. 

LUKE: Mom! Where’s my hat and mittens? 

MAMA SCHENN: It should be in the hall next to your boots. 

BRAYDEN: LUKE! Do you have my lace tightener? 

LUKE: NO! Why would I have your stupid lace tightener? 

BRAYDEN: You do, too have it! 

LUKE: No I don’t, you stupid face! 

BRAYDEN: I’m not a stupid face! 

LUKE: At least I can spell my name right! 

MAMA SCHENN: Boys! You have to get ready for school or you will miss the bus! 

(LUKE and BRAYDEN leave the house and get on the school bus.)

BRAYDEN: It’s only 2 more weeks til Christmas! Did you make your list for Santa yet?

LUKE:  Not yet. All I really want is some new laces, some blade tape, and a binder for my hockey cards. 

BRAYDEN: Yeah, that envelope isn’t really working anymore. It’s kinda full. 

LUKE: What about you, Brayden?

BRAYDEN: I want  Final Fantasy 8! 

LUKE: Wow! You think Santa will bring it?

(Another young boy, KRIS, sitting behind LUKE and BRAYDEN turns around)

KRIS: You two twerps still think “Santa” will bring you Christmas presents? 

LUKE: We’re not twerps! 

BRAYDEN: Yeah, we’re not! 

KRIS: Wanna make something of it? 

LUKE: Uh-huh! (LUKE jumps over the seat and punches KRIS)

KRIS: AHH! My face! You erased my face! 

SCHENN (in voiceover): I was so worried about there not being a Santa. Plus, that fight probably didn’t help me get on the good list, anyway. So, I figured I had to work hard to get Brayden Final Fantasy 8 just in case Santa didn’t deliver. (Start montage of LUKE doing chores for extra money)  I did dishes, shoveled the driveway, and did all of these extra chores to buy the game. But I still couldn’t get enough money. So, after thinking long and hard, I sold all of my hockey cards to the card shop. Anyway, Christmas day came and…

(SCENE: Christmas morning at the Schenns. The whole family is opening gifts. )

MAMA SCHENN:  Ok Luke, your turn now. (LUKE opens a gift It’s a binder, complete with sleeve sheets, for hockey cards.) 

LUKE: (excited) WOW!  A binder for cards! (a bit saddened) Too bad I sold all of my hockey cards. 

MAMA SCHENN: Luke…you loved those cards. Why did you sell them?

LUKE: I wanted to buy Brayden…this. (Takes out a wrapped gift from behind the tree and gives it to BRAYDEN) Unwrap it, Brayden! (BRAYDEN unwraps the gift. It’s Final Fantasy 8.) 

BRAYDEN (excited): Wow! Final Fantasy 8! That’s so cool! You really sold you hockey cards for it? 

LUKE: Yeah. I did all of these chores and stuff for it, too, but I didn’t have enough money. So I had to sell my cards to buy the game for you. Merry Christmas!

BRAYDEN: Wow! Thanks, Luke! Do you like your hockey binder?

LUKE: Yeah! Now I just need some cards to put in it (nervous chuckle.) 

BRAYDEN: I’m happy you like the binder, Luke.  Because…I stole it. 

(SCENE: Back at the present day cabin)
CUTHBERT: That was such a great story until the very end, Luke.
BOZAK: Yeah, you worked your ass off and got bupkiss. AND your brother’s a thief!
SCHENN: Nah, it’s cool. I kicked his ass for stealing later that day. When the store was open again, I dragged him back there to apologize. Brayden never stole anything ever again.
PHANEUF: Cool story, Luke.
KESSEL: Holy crap, these cookies and milky booze are AWESOME.
SCHENN: I want some!
PHANEUF: Luke, can you drink here?
BOZAK: He’s Luke Schenn in Toronto. Do you think anyone gives a shit?

Blue and White Christmas: part one

(SCENE: Inside of what looks like a cabin that’s out in snow covered woods. ELISHA CUTHBERT and DION PHANEUF are inside of what looks like a festively decorated living room, complete with comfy couch, large decorated Christmas tree, and “fire” place)


ELISHA CUTHBERT: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs Annual Christmas Special!
DION PHANEUF: Elisha…who are you talking to?
CUTHBERT: I’m talking to the audience.
PHANEUF: But there’s no audience. It’s all black and dark out there.
CUTHBERT:  Well, Dion, it’s the audience at home.
PHANEUF: This isn’t even a real cabin. That fire’s fake—it’s just this video screen thing.
 CUTHBERT: Stop negating the premise!
PHANEUF: But what the hell are we doing here?
CUTHBERT: Don’t you remember that we agreed to do this Christmas special? We’d have skits and music and stuff like that?
PHANEUF:  Babe, you know I agree to all sorts of shit when I’m on a lot of painkillers. I don’t remember jack from the past two months.
CUTHBERT: Well, here we are filming…
PHANEUF: OK, fine. I just got one question.
CUTHBERT: Yeah?
PHANEUF: Is there eggnog?
CUTHBERT: Yeah. There’s, like, a shitload of it out back.
PHANEUF: AWESOME. Maybe this won’t suck so much after all.
CUTHBERT: Well folks, we hope you like our holiday special!
PHANEUF: We have booze and cookies! And it'll be , like all swanky and stuff.

Maple Leafs Chat: Tim Brent, Love Doctor

***Welcome to the Official Chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KesselRun81Parsecs: You guys think that Dion and Colby will like these get-well cards?
Bozak_Attack:  Of course they’ll like ‘em. Do you think this is too much glitter?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, it’s good for glitter. But you might want some more macaroni.
Bozak_Attack:   Well, stop eating it all then!
TimmyBrentron: Guys, why are we the only ones at this card making party?
Bozak_Attack:   I figured more guys would come in. Maybe they just have, like, kids and families and stuff.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Wow, Tim! Your card’s really cool! Is that a popup or something?
TimmyBrentron: Well, technically it’s just a pull tab. See, you pull this tab here, and the little Leafs guy punches Sean Avery in the face!
Bozak_Attack:   That is so awesome! How did you learn to make stuff like that?
TimmyBrentron: Sometimes on road trips I have really bad insomnia. Crafting stuff is a pretty good way to relax me. I used to knit, but airport security kept taking away my needles.
***MaiHartWillDion has entered the chat room!***
MaiHartWillDion: Guys, this sucks. Elisha and I had our first really big fight and she kicked me out.
Bozak_Attack:  Holy shit, you guys had a big fight? Haven’t you two been together like 5 years or something?
TimmyBrentron: And isn’t that your place anyway?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Maybe one of us should check on Elisha…
Bozak_Attack:  No, Phil! I shouldn’t even have to explain to you why that’s a bad idea.
TimmyBrentron: He has a point—you know, two sides to every story and all. Dion, would you be ok with me doing some mediating?
MaiHartWillDion: Well, yeah. I mean, she already kicked my crippled ass out on the cold, dark street—I don’t think you can mess it up any more than I did.
***Welcome to MaiHartWillDion’s place!***
Cuthbert_Island: What do you want?!
TimmyBrentron: Elisha, Dion says he wants to talk, if you’re ok with it. I can be a mediator.
Bozak_Attack:   You sure you know what you’re doing?
TimmyBrentron: I’ve done a lot of reading on this sort of thing.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Really? Why?
TimmyBrentron: You gotta do something on those long bus trips. Ok, now..Dion, how do you feel?
MaiHartWillDion: I kinda feel like an asshole.
Cuthbert_Island: You should feel like an asshole!
TimmyBrentron: Elisha, that’s  not constructive.
Cuthbert_Island: FINE. I feel like…I need some reassurance and more emotional sensitivity. I feel like I need Dion to open up to me more.
MaiHartWillDion: And I feel like I kinda want to do that, but if I open up too much emotionally, then that’s a threat to my masculinity and individuality. But I would like to…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Holy shit…that’s deep.
Bozak_Attack:   Those are a bunch of words I never, ever expected Dion to say.
Cuthbert_Island: Dion…I’m so sorry. I don’t even know why we were fighting.
MaiHartWillDion: I love you baby!
Cuthbert_Island: I love you so much!
***MaiHartWillDion  and Cuthbert_Island have engaged in Sloppy Makeouts!***
TimmyBrentron: Bitchen, it looks like my work here is done.
Bozak_Attack:   Yeah, let’s play some Rock Band or something.
TimmyBrentron: Cool.
MaiHartWillDion: PHIL, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sorry, Dion.

Halloween Beer Run or Horror, CONCLUSION

Part one

Part two

(MEANWHILE at PHANEUF's place, KABERLE is having a very rocking party featuring many of the other Leafs and members of the Marlies.)

LUKE SCHENN: (dressed as Garth Brooks) Gee, Jonas, your costume's really cool looking, but I don't quite get it.

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: (dressed as a set of wind chimes.) Thank you. I got idea after Giguere saw pictures of my girlfriend. He said something like, “You two are so skinny, when you get it on, it must look like a set of wind chimes.”

SCHENN: Kabbie, where did you get all of this beer and other stuff? This is fantastic!

KABERLE: I know! I just found it under that cabinet over there. It looks like someone went to Costco a few days ago. Which is weird, because Phaneuf and some of the other guys went on a beer run.

(PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, KESSEL, and BOZAK enter)

PHANEUF: Kabbie, whats going on?

CUTHBERT: Where did all of the guys come from?

KABERLE: They just showed up! And oh, it turns out, you had enough beer all along. You must have forgotten.

KESSEL: Really? That's awesome!

UNSEEN LEAF: FLIP CUP, MOTHER FUCKERS!

BOZAK: YEAH! (leaves to join flip cup game)

CUTHBERT: That's right, honey. We did that Costco trip a few days ago.

KESSEL: Costco makes beer now?

BOZAK: I AM THE FLIP CUP MASTER BITCHES!

KESSEL: WHOO BOY! FLIP CUP (Leaves to join game of flip cup)

PHANEUF: Huh...so I guess it all worked out in the end.

(Suddenly, SEAN AVERY, dressed as Lady Gaga, enters the room. The great times and loud music suddenly stop as an uneasy silence blankets the room)

SEAN AVERY: 'Sup sluts?

PHANEUF: Avery, what the hell are you doing here?

AVERY:It's off-ice time, muffhump. I'm looking for some sweet relaxation. And by “sweet relaxation”, I really mean stealing your ladies and grinding every piece of pussy until my dick falls off.”

PHANEUF: Hey, that's my line! I am the one dressed as the My New Haircut guy!

CUTHBERT: Sean, I think it's better if you leave right now.

AVERY: Nah, it's cool. Where's that Mike Cumsock or Jizzrag or whatever the fuck dumbass Polack name he has? I wanted to tell him how much that dumb, ugly twatwaffle can't fight or skate worth a shit.

CUTHBERT: Sean, listen to me. You really need to cut this shit out. I know you like the attention, but that's because you're a whore for it. And you're not even a good whore. In terms of whoredom, you're like the whore who gives out handjobs for fifty cents in back of a Denny's. That's why I left your ass in the first place. Maybe you need help from an actual professional. But all I know is I'm not the kind of professional you need. Neither is the NHL disciplinary board.

AVERY: Hush girl, you know you still want this.

CUTHBERT: Ew, no. I just got that cleared up.

PHANEUF: I'm gonna, I will smash your face into a jelly!

AVERY: (sarcastically) Oooh! I'm , like, totally scared of the Maple Leafs! What are you gonna do, dry up and blow away?

(PHANEUF walks to AVERY and punches AVERY repeatedly in the face. AVERY is knocked unconscious.)

PHANEUF: Well, now that Cunty McHookerface is out cold, what do you say we break out the sharpies and saran wrap him to the balcony? It's what you do to the first person out, right?

KABERLE: But Brett Lebda has been passed out on the couch for 20 minutes.

PHANEUF: Pfft. Lebda don't count for shit.

Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2

Part one is here.  

(SCENE: DION PHANUEF, PHIL KESSEL, TYLER BOZAK and ELISHA CUTHBERT are all roaming Toronto on the way to the Beer Store.)

PHIL KESSEL: Wow! Look at all these ladies out here! They look so HOT!

TYLER BOZAK: They look kinda cold to me. Most of them don't seem to be wearing much for clothes.

ELISHA CUTHBERT: Maybe you two could go help them warm up...

DION PHANUEF: But Elisha, what would we be doing if Phil and Tyler left?

CUTHBERT: I think I have a few ideas about what we could do...(winks suggestively)

PHANEUF: But we can't do that. I need more than just you and me to carry all of this beer. (MIKE KOMISAREK, dressed as Lady Gaga, exit a bar near where KESSEL, BOZAK, PHANEUF and CUTHBERT are walking.)

MIKE KOMISAREK: Oh! Hey guys!

PHANEUF: ...Mike?

CUTHBERT: Wow! Great costume!

BOZAK: Where did you get that costume? And where did you find shoes to fit your big ol' feet?

KOMISAREK: Well, It was kinda hard to find a decent Gaga costume that would fit, so I had to do a little Project Runway magic.

BOZAK: You watch Project Runway? (laughs)

KOMISAREK: (surly)Yeah, I watch Project Runway. You wanna make something of it?

BOZAK: (scared) No, sir.

KOMISAREK: Kess, you haven't said anything.

KESSEL: It's because I'm terrified. Normal Gaga is scary enough, but she's only, like, 14 inches tall, you know, so it's OK. A six-four Lady Gaga is pants-shittingly terrifying.

KOMISAREK: If it's so scary, then explain why I just won five hundred dollars at that bar I was just in for Halloween Hottie 2010?

KESSEL: You won five hundred dollars for dressing like a girl?

PHANEUF: Girl? Depends what you read on the Internet.

KOMISAREK: I wasn't even going to enter the contest. I just went in there to ask for directions and I ended up winning.

KESSEL: But five hundred dollars? Man, I might need to start up a new hobby...

CUTHBERT: Phil, you make millions of dollars playing hockey.

KESSEL: Oh yeah...

BOZAK: I have to be honest Mike—if I didn't know that was you, I'd be trying to take you home right now.

PHANEUF: So Mike, you wanna join us? We're going to grab beer and then I'm having that party at my place.

KOMISAREK: Oh...is that tonight? I must have totally forgotten. See, I'm already scheduled at the...uh...orphan puppy institute. Yeah, we're having this masquerade ball to promote awareness and stuff. Sorry.

PHANEUF: It's ok. You just say hi to those orphan puppies for the Leafs, ok? You make sure the Leafs are well represented. 'cuz we're all classy 'n shit.

KOMISAREK: Will do, Dion. See you guys, have a good night! (KOMISAREK leaves, KESSEL, PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, and BOZAK continue on their way.)

CUTHBERT:...Hey wait a minute...

PHANEUF: What? Is it about Mike?

CUTHBERT: No, no...it's just that girl over there....bitch stole my costume!

BOZAK: You're a sexy nurse. That's, like, the most generic sexy lady costume out there.

CUTHBERT: I'm gonna go kick her ass. (CUTHBERT leaves)

PHANEUF: Woo! You show her what for, honey!

CUTHBERT: I love you babe!

KESSEL: Awesome, we get to see two chicks fight!

BOZAK: Have you ever seen two chicks fight, like, for real? Not in the “Oh, you ripped of my shirt, now let's make out: fights you seen in porn, but like an actual, knock-down, drag-out match? It's scary ass shit. (They run into TIM BRENT, dressed as Robin Hood, MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI, dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts, and NIKOLAI KULEMIN, who is carrying a hacksaw and has one lower leg covered in fake blood.)

TIM BRENT: Phil!

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Bozie!

BRENT: Dion!

GRABOVSKI: And Dion's lady!

NIKOLI KULEMIN: (stares blankly ahead for several moments, then mumbles something in Russian.)

PHANEUF: Hey guys! How is your night?

BRENT: It's been amazing! Grabbo, do what I told you to do for the costume.

GRABOVSKI: As you vish.

BRENT: Dude, he just does that and he's like, drowning in ladies. It's amazing!

KESSEL: Kulie, I didn't take you for the bar crawling with these guys type. Don't you, like, have a wife and baby or something?

KULEMIN: Inconleebabble!

BRENT: Oh, hamburgers.

GRABOVSKI: Is not right word! You's being confused.

BOZAK: Wait a second,,,are all you guys various roles of Cary Elwes?

KESSEL: Holy crap, they are!

BRENT: And unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a British accent. (CUTHBERT returns, roughed up, carrying an eyepatch and a large, fake needle.)

CUTHBERT: Hey guys!

KESSEL: Elisha...are you ok?

CUTHBERT: Pfft, just some scrapes and bruises, that;'s all. Plus, I scored this eye patch and a fake needle that's filled with vodka!

PHANEUF: That's my girl! (they high five and engage in sloppy making out)

BOZAK: Hey guys, there's the Beer Store right there!

KESSEL: Awesome! I knew it was around here somewhere.

PHANEUF: Son of a bitch!

CUTHBERT: What the hell? Is it closed?

BRENT: Oh man, that sucks! Where are we gonna get beer now?

PHANEUF: Well, I know in Quebec you can buy beer at the gas station.

BOZAK: That would be great, except Quebec is several hours away.

GRABOVSKI: Plus, we has to go through Ottawa for gettings Quebec, which is sucks.

KULEMIN: Fuck that Ottawa noise.

CUTHBERT: Well, Michigan's a little closer to us than Quebec is.

KESSEL: Except Michigan sucks ass.

PHANEUF: Look, I think we can figure out something for the party tonight. Let's just head back and explain what happened. I'm sure the guys will understand and we'll probably be able to have a great time without drinking.

KESSEL: I doubt it.

Stay tuned for part 3! 

Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 1

(SCENE: At DION PHANUEF’s place decorated for a Halloween party. PHANUEF is dressed as the “My New Haircut” guy, while ELISHA CUTHBERT is dressed as a sexy nurse. )


ELISHA CUTHBERT: Are you sure we have everything we need for the party?
DION PHANEUF: Of course we do. Being prepared is one of the reasons they made me captain.
CUTHBERT: It’s just we haven’t done a big party like this at the place before. I’m a bit nervous about having all the guys here.
(PHIL KESSEL and TYLER BOZAK enter, dressed as Bill and Ted, respectively)
PHIL KESSEL: Dion!
TYLER BOZAK: Hey, are we early?
PHANEUF: A little bit, but it’s ok.
KESSEL: Dude, you told us to be here at 8, so we’re here.
CUTHBERT: It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Here, maybe you guys can help me hang these lights. I’m not quite tall enough to do it.
BOZAK: Dion’s taller than both of us….
PHANEUF: Elisha, I told you earlier, the guys aren’t really gonna care about the lights. We’ll be too busy drinking beer and giving each other shit about our costumes.
KESSEL: I really like your costume, Elisha. It’s really nice. It really shows off your, uh…niceness. (PHANEUF glares)
BOZAK: What? It’s a really great boobs—I mean, costume.
PHANEUF: You’re on thin freakin’ ice. Even if your costumes rock.
KESSEL: I know, right? It’s all Bozie’s idea. He said I could be Bill because he’s the smart one.
BOZAK: Nah, I said Bill was the cool one. Ted is clearly the smart one. (TOMAS KABERLE enters, dressed as Andrew W.K.)
BOZAK: Hey Kabs! Cool costume!
PHANEUF: Wow, Kabbie, I didn’t know you liked Andrew W.K.
TOMAS KABERLE: I am glad you like it.
KESSEL: How’d you get such great looking fake blood?
KABERLE: It’s not fake blood. I hit myself in the face with a brick so I would feel pain again.
CUTHBERT: That’s, uh, cool...I guess.
PHANEUF: ELISHA! DAMMIT!
CUTHBERT: What wrong, babe?
PHANEUF: I just realized we forgot to get beers for the party!
CUTHBERT: How the hell did we forget that?!
KESSEL: So is it beer run time?
PHANEUF: It looks it.
BOZAK: Phil and I can come with you! We can help carry stuff!
KABERLE: I will stay here and make sure that people will stay if they come.
PHANEUF: That sounds like a good idea.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Maple Leafs Chat: Stache-Dance, What a Feeling!

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Well boys, I’ve been watching you in the preseason, and I have to ask, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?
MaiHartWilDion: Coach Wilson, if I may suggest something as captain…
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: IT’D BETTER BE GOOD!
MaiHartWilDion: I think the reason we’ve been underperforming is…we need to grow bitchen’ staches.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY:…
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: FOR FUCK’S SAKE—
KesselRun81Parsecs: Dude, I’ve always WANTED a bitchen’ stache!
Komi_Kazi: Yeah, moustaches for all!
Hey_Kule_aid: /stares blankly ahead
Caputi_Call: Yeah, we can grow staches and look like firefighters!
MonstersBall: Or somebody’s dad!
Komi_Kazi: We can even do it for cancer stuff. It’ll be great!
Death_Kabs_4QT: Excuse me, but I do not understand how growing moustaches will help our game.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Well, Kabbie, you would kinda look like Freddie Mercury if you had a mustache.
Death_Kabs_4QT: …and that’s awesome.
BrownGoesBrown: I think I can help you guys out here…
Komi_Kazi: Wait, who are you?
BrownGoesBrown: I’m Mike Brown. I’ve been playing with you guys this whole preseason.
MaiHartWilDion: Nah, you can’t be Mike.
BrownGoesBrown: Why not? I’ve been Mike my whole life!
MaiHartWilDion: Nah, it’s just that we already have a Mike, We can’t have two Mikes. People will get confused. Your new name is Sprinkles.
Komi_Kazi: Sprinkles…I like it.
BrownGoesBrown: But why do I have to be Sprinkles?
Komi_Kazi: I was Mike before you were.
BrownGoesBrown: O..kay, but why Sprinkles?
MaiHartWilDion: I dunno. I figure it’s funny to be able to say stuff like “Good goal, Sprinkles!” and “Kick his ass, Sprinkles!”
BrownGoesBrown: I think it might be a bit demeaning and insulting, is all.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Quit causing trouble, Sprinkles!
MaiHartWilDion: See, that’s why I’m captain.

Maple Leafs Chat: Not The Beachcombers

photo source: 

http://entertainmentbuzz.info/2008/05/06/elisha-cuthbert’s-romantic-hawaiian-holiday/
Cuthbert_Island: Oh Dion, it’s so nice to have this little beach getaway before the season gets too crazy.
MaiHartWillDion: Yeah. Being the captain’s gonna be hard work, but I know that if I have you, I can do anything.
Cuthbert_Island: Awww…that’s so sweet!
MaiHartWillDion: Wait a second…who are those guys right over there?
Cuthbert_Island: Don’t worry about them.  They have just as much right to the beach as we do…
MaiHartWillDion: Ah, shit. It’s Mike and Phil. God damn it.
KomiKazi: Hey Dion, Elisha.
KesselRun81Parsecs: HAY GUYZ!
MaiHartWillDion: Hey Mike and Phil. What’s up?
KomiKazi: OK, listen. Sean Avery and I were trying to do a “What Not to Wear” type thing with Phil as our project.
Cuthbert_Island:  Wait, why were you hanging out with Sean Avery?
KomiKazi: We ran into each other the other night, started slinging back Jaegerbombs and Appletinis and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, we got into an argument and…Sean’s not here.
KesselRun81Parsecs: We had to defend your honor, Elisha!
KomiKazi: No, *I* defended her honor. You just held open the dumpster lid while I dumped in Avery’s bloody body.
Cuthbert_Island: Oh my God, YOU KILLED SEAN AVERY?!
KomiKazi:…I don’t think I did.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sean said he wanted to open a restaurant called “Sloppy Second Joe’s” and name sandwiches after you two. He said he’d make ‘em “with extra spunk.”
KomiKazi: Yeah, then he dropped a P-bomb and I kinda lost my shit.
MaiHartWillDion: P-bomb?
KesselRun81Parsecs: He called him a Polack, which I never knew was a bad word.
MaiHartWillDion: I thought Polack was that guy that did the dripping paintings.
Cuthbert_Island: You’re thinking of Jackson Pollack, he did the splatter paintings. Polack is a bad word for a Polish person.
KomiKazi: Thank you!  Now you know why I got upset.
MaiHartWillDion: You didn’t kill him, did you? I mean, Avery’s a pesky little shithead to play against, but killing him’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, Mike wouldn’t kill him. He’s just not as pretty as he was before, even if he wasn’t so pretty to start with.
KomiKazi: Seriously, you’d think somebody who spent that much time and energy on fashion and appearance would know what works and what doesn’t, but he just puts out a subpar product. I roll out of bed looking this fabulous.
Cuthbert_Island: So why are you two here, then?
KomiKazi: After we ditched Avery, we kinda looked at each other and said “Fuck it, let’s go to the beach.”
Cuthbert_Island: Well…wouldn’t you guys rather go back where you were? It’s all rocky and uncomfortable here.
Cuthbert_Island: /wink, wink
MaiHartWillDion: Nah, Elisha, I got this. Komi, Phil…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, Dion?
MaiHartWillDion: Continue cockblocking me and I will punch both of you in the throat. Okay?
KomiKazi: Ohhh…hey Phil, let’s uh…get ice cream.
KesselRun81Parsecs: YAAAAAY ICE CREAM!
MaiHartWillDion: See you guys!
Cuthbert_Island: Bye!
KomiKazi: Later!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey Mike…was I the only person back there to not whatsits with Elisha?
KomiKazi: Pffft, I was doing the Cuthbert back when it was underground and cool. Now, not only would you be a bandwagon-jumper, Dion would gut you like a fish.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, geez.

Maple Leafs Chat: Phil and Tyler’s Excellent Adventure

Photo Source: Talksports.net

KesselRun81Parsecs: Tyler, while I agree that our team will be most triumphant, the truth is, the Toronto Maple Leafs will never be a super team until we can get other high scorers.
Bozak_Attack: Yes, Phil. But I do not believe we will have high scorers until we can get our defensive log jam cleared up.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Tyler, it is pointless to clear up our defensive squad before we can even do well on powerplays
Bozak_Attack: How can we have decent power plays when we can’t even win faceoffs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: That’s why we need high scorers.
Bozak_Attack: Excellent!
KesselRun81Parsecs:Excellent!
Bozak_Attack: /fist pump
KesselRun81Parsecs: /fist pump
Bozak_Attack: What do you think, Dion?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, D. How do you think this year’s squad will compare to past Leafs?
MaiHartWillDion: Everything is different, but the same. ..we’ll be more moderner than before..bigger, and yet faster…it’s computers and Twitter…GO LEAFS GO!
MaiHartWillDion: /punches wall

Friday Youtube Yoinkage July 16, 2010

This week's theme is one of the newer Leafs, Kris Versteeg. It looks like Brian Burke has traded for guys I can actually write silly stuff about, as presented by clip one: Versteeg sings "Glamorous" by Fergie


Now, I was thinking of putting the original up for comparison, but I really liked it better when it was done by J.J. Fad and they called it "Supersonic" [NOTE: I originally thought Versteeg was doing "Fergalicious", not "Glamorous". It wouldn't surprise me if he knew "Fergalicious", but J.J Fad is staying just because it's a solid groove]


clip three, after watching Versteeg perform "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", I honestly can't wait for Steeger to sing "Ebony and Ivory" or "Ain't no Mountain High Enough" with Dion Phaneuf


Maybe they can do "I got you, Babe." Any other suggestions?

LOLeafs: KesseLOL

It's hard for me to do some LOLeafs, what with the season over. But, thanks to google images, it works again! In celebration, here's a massive photospam of Phil Kessel being...Phil Kessel. 

Source is here



source: here


source

source

Phil with Monkia is a pair of screen grabs from this video

photo source: right here

Friday Youtube Yoinkage RETURNS June 25, 2010

You know, I should do a weekly feature more often. This weeks' theme is MAPLE LEAFS CAPTAIN DION PHANEUF.

Clip one is a dedicated fan performing the Dion Phaneuf song:


Clip two is Dion and some other Leafs hanging out with Easter Seals kids:


clip three is, well...what kind of Dion Phaneuf would this be without some drunken kareoke? Merry f(bleep)in Christmas, indeed!

Maple Leafs Chat: Curse Storm

KesselRun81Parsecs: You guys, I’m goin’ kinda stir-crazy from not playing hackey…
MaiHartWillDion: Yeah, I know what you mean. You can only work out so much before it gets to you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Uh, yeah, working out… that’s totally what I meant.
KomiKazi: Let me guess, you’ve been drinking beer, eating doughnuts and playing Xbox since the last practice went out, haven’t you?
Schenn_Sational: Mike, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?
KomiKazi: What? It’s freakin’ hot out here, and shirts hinder my ability to have the most intense workouts ever.
KesselRun81Parsecs: And to answer your question, no, I have not been just playing Xbox.
MaiHartWillDion: It’s true. I can verify that Kessel’s a PS3 man, through and through.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Gah, Mike, quit bein’ such a mother douchebag!
KomiKazi:..Douchebag?
KesselRun81Parsecs: I’m sarry about douchebag, Mike, I got low blood sugar.
Schenn_Sational: Geez, I hate “douchebag”. It has no meaning to it.
MaiHartWillDion: What are you talking about?
Schenn_Sational: It’s just “douchebag” gets thrown around so easily, it loses the intensity. The guy that takes forever deciding what kind of coffee to get? Douchebag. The people in charge of BP who let all of that oil spill into the Gulf? Douchebags.
KomiKazi: Dirty cops? Douchebags
MaiHartWillDion: Anyone involved in “Jersey Shore”? Douchebags.
KesselRun81Parsecs: There are 6 billion douchebags on this planet right now.
Schenn_Sational: That’s exactly my point. “Douchebag” gets thrown around so readily, it might as well be another word for “human.” Someone needs to make a new swearword that’s stronger than “douchebag.” A word that means something.
MaiHartWillDion: Hell, we don’t have anything to do in the offseason besides workout and stuff. We might as well try.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Except we ain’t exactly Oxford dictionary.
KomiKazi: Nah, it’s no problem. Did you know that in French Québec TV, they use fuck and other English swear words, no problem?
Schenn_Sational: Really?
KomiKazi: Yeah, but you can’t use the church words. The French swears are still not ok but if you want to tell someone “fuck off” it’s ok. It’s something about how English swears are about shit and sex and the French swears are about church.
MaiHartWillDion: For real?
KomiKazi: Yeah. French people are weird. They got a different word for everything!
KesselRun81Parsecs: How can they understand each other, then?
KomiKazi: Beats me.
Schenn_Sational: Hmmm…now that I think about it, we do have a lot of shit and sex swears, and combinations of shit and sex.
KomiKazi: Which are totally gross together…but dammit, “shit” is versatile. What smells like shit? Where’s my practice shit? What the shit just happened in here? Plus, everyone shits, so it’s not sexist or racist or anything like that.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Whatever we use should have “ass” in it. Ass is a solid curse word and part of bigger words.
MaiHartWillDion: So “Shitass”? I dunno, it doesn’t seem very inspired.
Schenn_Sational: Maybe we can’t analyze and come up with a word. It’s just so contrived and forced. No, it has to be organic and…flowy.
KesselRun81Parsecs: That’s why douchebag works so well. It has no meaning, but it just flows and it fits.
Schenn_Sational: I got it! Everyone finish this sentence: “Chris Neil is a …”
KesselRun81Parsecs: Assbutt?
KomiKazi: Shit-twiddler?
Schenn_Sational: Dork Monger?
MaiHartWillDion: Douchebag
Schenn_Sational:/siiiigh….

Leafs for Life: Kessel and Phaneuf Explain The Mysteries of the Universe.

(SCENE: DION PHANEUF, PHIL KESSEL and TOMAS KABERLE are all hanging out outside of KABERLE’s house)
PHIL KESSEL: Man, you guys every just, like, look at stars? It makes ya think, ‘cuz, like, the stars don’t give a shit if you score 30 goals or lay out some guy or whatever. They just keep spinning and going around and stuff.
TOMAS KABERLE: It really does make you wonder about stuff.
DION PHANEUF: Like fuckin’ magnets. How do they work?
KABERLE: And how Pluto may not be a planet anymore. Why is that?
KESSEL: Well, that one’s because Pluto may not be large enough, has an odd orbit, and is not the dominant object in its orbit to be considered a “true” planet,
PHANEUF: Man, that’s so wrong, you don’t even know.
KESSEL: Oh yeah, smart guy, why isn’t Pluto a planet, then?
PHANEUF: Pluto’s a dog, dumbass.
KABERLE: I never got that. How can Goofy AND Pluto both be dogs, and yet only one of them talks and wears pants?
PHANEUF: Maybe Pluto’s a dwarf dog, too.
KESSEL: I think they keep Goofy around so he can go to stores for everyone else. See, Mickey doesn’t wear shirts, so anywhere with a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy is out of the question. And Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants, so he’s not gonna be allowed anywhere. But Goofy has a shirt AND pants, so he can go anywhere.
KABERLE: What about Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck?
PHANEUF: They have dresses, but so short they may as well just be wearing shirts.
KESSEL: Then again, how the heck does Mickey have a pet dog when he’s a mouse? Wouldn’t a dog eat or squash him?
PHANEUF: Yeah, that’s all kinds of screwy right there.
KABERLE: Agreed.
PHANEUF: Man, look at all those stars and planets.  Wonder how they got there and how they’re staying up there.
KESSEL: Space monkeys.
KABERLE: …what?
KESSEL: Yeah, space monkeys. They hold the planets in place and spin them around.
PHANEUF: If that’s so, then how come nobody’s seen any when they go up in, like, the Hubble telescope and stuff?
KESSEL: ‘Cuz—duh—space monkeys are invisible!
PHANEUF: Oh yeah. I guess I never thought of that. You learn something new every day, I guess.
KABERLE: Wow, just…are you guys seriously retarded? (ANGRY MAN IN STREET appears)
ANGRY MAN IN STREET:  HEY KABERLE! SHOULDA WAIVED YOUR NO-TRADE CLAUSE YOU SHITASS!
KABERLE: Hey jerk, I got something to “waive” for you. (KABERLE removes pants and shakes genitals at ANGRY MAN IN STREET)
PHANEUF: Who was that guy?
KABERLE: I don’t know. Some Harry Potter lookalike who yells at me. (awkward pause)
KESSEL: Man, there’s just miracles everywhere you look!
PHANEUF: Fuckin' rainbows after it rains, there's enough magic to blow your brains. 
KESSEL: And how people’s kids look just like them.
PHANEUF: 85,000 people in one room as equals
KESSEL: Magic everywhere in this bitch, it’s all around you and you don’t even know it.
KABERLE: Holy crap…uhhh..I’m going to need to drink more if I’m going to understand you guys without having a stupid-induced aneurysm.
KESSEL: But I haven’t had anything to drink yet.
PHANEUF: Yeah, this is just water.
KABERLE: Holy shit. 

LOLeafs: Season's dead and gone edition

Fiday Youtube Yoinkage: March 26, 2010

This week's theme, as suggested by one of my Twitter buddies (either KidK or Warwalker, I forget which one of you it was), today's theme is "Cavemen in hockey"



Clip one: Capitals hockey--so easy, a caveman could do it.


Clip Two: Gieco Caveman goes around the Winter Classic


Clip three: Cabbie interviews the Leafs' own caveman-in-residence, Dion Phanuef. All you need to know? DION PHANUEF SONG

Maple Leafs Chat: Betcha Can't Eat Just One

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey guys! I just found out they got Cadbury crème eggs out again!
MaiHartWillDion: Dude, crème eggs have been out for like, at least a month.
MonstersBall:  Cream and eggs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah! I got a box of a hundred of them. Have some, Jonas!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know if I should…
MaiHartWillDion: Come on, Jonas. They’re like awesome wrapped in chocolate.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Doncha have these in Sweden?
MonstersBall:  We do, it’s just that my mother would never let me have any. She said they had far too much sugar in them.
BallinToTheWallin: He’s just worried about what his mommy might say.
MonstersBall:  …
MonstersBall:  My mom’s dead, you asshole.
BallinToTheWallin:  Oopsie doodles.
MaiHartWillDion: Seriously, dick move, man….
BallinToTheWallin: Well, my mom said the same thing. She said something so messy couldn’t be good for you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, come on guys. Sweden’s all the way in Russia or something.
MaiHartWillDion: And Rickard, you’re almost 30, for God’s sake. You have to cut the cord sometime.
MonstersBall:  This is good point.
BallinToTheWallin: Oh well…bottoms up, I guess
***Several hours later, at Hooker Harvey’s…***
KomiKazi: Jonas? Wallin? Are you guys OK? Wake up, guys!
MonstersBall:  AHHHHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
BallinToTheWallin: COBRAS!
KomiKazi: It’s me, Mike Komisarek. What are you guys doing in this burger joint full of hookers?
MonstersBall:  What are YOU doing here?
KomiKazi: I , er, uh….shoulder rehab always gives me the munchies for something greasy and delicious.
BallinToTheWallin:  The stuff here isn’t good for your body at all.
KomiKazi: It’s good for the soul, Wallin. And you still didn’t answer my question.
BallinToTheWallin:  I…I don’t know. Last night, Phil Kessel gave us a bunch of cream eggs—
MonstersBall:   Like a hundred cream eggs in a box.
BallinToTheWallin:  And then I ate one, and another, and some more, and then…
MonstersBall:  …then there were little foil wrappers all over the place and then it was light out and  we ended up here.
KomiKazi: Bullshit. Cream eggs don’t do that to anyone. Cocaine, absinthe or tequila might, but if that were the case you would be missing pants.
BallinToTheWallin:  I HAVE PANTS?
KomiKazi: Yes, you do.
MonstersBall:  I am aware of my pants.
KomiKazi: So wait, is sugar and chocolate like cocaine for you guys?
BallinToTheWallin: …
MonstersBall:  Maaaaaybe.
KomiKazi: Man, Swedes are weird. Wait a second. If you guys split a hundred eggs, how are you not puking or in a diabetic coma right now?
MonstersBall:  I don’t know. I just ate one and then some more and I just kept going.
BallinToTheWallin: DEAR GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!
KomiKazi: That’s a ketchup stand.
MonstersBall:  AHHH! NO!
KomiKazi: I know some people don’t like ketchup, but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
BallinToTheWallin: It’s a dwarf hobo! I think he’s opening a portal to Hell!
MonstersBall:  AND EATING A BABY!
BallinToTheWallin: /attacks ketchup stand with vicious slapfight maneuvers
Harveys_Manager: /throws BallinToTheWallin, MonstersBall:, and KomiKazi out of the Harvey’s
KomiKazi: Nice going, guys. Now I’m probably banned for life from Harvey’s. I didn’t even get to finish my burger.
BallinToTheWallin: WHAT IS ON MY HANDS?
MonstersBall:  Did he kill a hobo?
KomiKazi: /Rolls eyes
KomiKazi: Yes, Rickard. You killed a hobo. Just stright up, stone cold murdered a dude.
BallinToTheWallin: AHHHHH!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know you!
BallinToTheWallin: /wipes hands on every available surface
KomiKazi: Nah, I was just messing with you—
BallinToTheWallin: what will these hands never be clean?

The Birthday Party

If you just imagine that I regularly hang out with some of the Leafs and we’re drinking buddies, this all works. Trust me. 

(SCENE: TOMAS KABERLE, LUKE SCHENN, PHIL KESSEL and DION PHANEUF are waiting outside of a club for LOSER DOMI)
TOMAS KABERLE: I thought LD already had a birthday.
LUKE SCHENN: Nah, that was the blogthday. This is her actual birthday.
PHIL KESSEL: Guys, dontcha think it’s kinda weird that a buncha NHL guys like us would go out with a nobody fan like her?
SCHENN: Now that you mention it…it sounds like some crappy fanfic on the Internet.
DION PHANEUF: Yeah, you’d know all about bad fanfic on the Internet, wouldn’t you, Luke?
SCHENN: Go screw yourself, caveman. (LOSER DOMI arrives)
LOSER DOMI: Hey guys!
LEAFS: HI! Happy Birthday! (etc)
ANGRY MAN IN STREET: Hey Kaberle! WAIVE YOUR FUCKING CLAUSE YOU NO-GOOD SHIT-EATING PIG-FUCKER!
KABERLE: Who the hell was that?
SCHENN: I dunno, some angry Harry Potter look-a-like, I guess.
LD: Actually, that sounds like…nevermind.
KESSEL: Hey, you wanna see a Raptors game? Me and Dion went and we had a wicked good time.
PHANEUF: Yeah we did! Tunes were turned up, yo.
LD: Thanks, but…I’m not that big of a basketball fan.
KESSEL: That’s alright. Hackey’s the top game in this town.
SCHENN: Guys, why are we standing around outside? It’s cold and wet out here. 
PHANEUF: I got it. Stupid door, open! (punches door)
KESSEL: Dude…use doorknobs next time.  (The gang goes into the club and many drinks are had over a period of an hour or so)
KESSEL: (intensely to LD)…so then I run my hands down the shaft and maybe do a little more candy cane action on my stick there…
KABERLE: Phil, you’ve been talking about your stick for 20 minutes.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
KABERLE: I wasn’t…you know what? Forget it, I’m getting out of here. It’s a bit too late for me.
ANGRY GUY FROM EARLIER: TALK ABOUT TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE YA WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT!
SCHENN: Who is that guy?
PHANEUF: And why was he wearing blue pajama pants at 9:30 at night?
KESSEL: You’re turning in already, Kabs?
KABERLE: I’m just…tired all the time. It feels like I’m just going through the motions sometimes. Oh well. (KABERLE leaves)
LD: What’s wrong with him? Tomas always looks so sad and worn out.
PHANEUF: Who the hell knows what’s going on in his head?
WAITRESS: Hey guys, would you like some shots?
SCHENN: What kind of shots are they?
PHANEUF: OH BOY GUYS! Are these the ones with the butterscotch and the whipped cream? Those are AWESOME!
KESSEL: No real man should ever have a drink involving whipped cream.
SCHENN: I’m game to try it.
LD: Sure!
(all 4 have a shot)
KESSEL: Huh…that was pretty good! Are these what people mean when they order blowjobs?
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, more blowjobs!
WAITRESS: Uh…I gave you four buttery nipples.
LD: Whatever! Buttery nipples, blowjobs, buttery blowjobs, it’s all good here!
(several hours later,  PHANEUF, KESSEL, SCHENN, and LD have had many, many shots and it shows. )
KESSEL: WOWIE! Those things are pretty good!
SCHENN: I have four fingers. And this table won’t stop moving on me! Jerk!
PHANEUF: I told ya they were!
LD: Whoa, guys, that’s been an awful lot of buttery nipples. Are we gonna be ok to go home?
KESSEL: Yer always ok to go home with us, LD! (goes to put arm around LD, but slips and falls down.) Owie.
PHANEUF: I jus’ wanna say, I just wanna say…LD, it takes a lot, and I mean a LOT of guts to do what you do. I mean, making fun of huge NHL dudes who could totally snap your twiggy ass in two without breaking a sweat? You gotta have balls to do that….er, sorry, Phil.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
SCHENN: Hey Phil, we literally drank you under the table! All literal-like! (laughs)
KESSEL: Shut up! I hate you guys.
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, can we get some more buttery nipples over here?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry…but you guys drank all of the schnapps we had. We can’t make anymore.
SCHENN: Ahhh…it’s ok.
WAITRESS: But, uh, are you guys all set for the night, then? Can we settle the tab?
KESSEL: DO you know who we are?
PHANEUF: We’re kind of a big deal!
WAITRESS: I know who she is, but I don’t know you three guys.
SCHENN: Wait, how do you be a waitress in Toronto and you know her but not 3 members of the Leafs?
LD: I’ll have you know that I am a minor Internet celebrity…actually, wait, I’m lame, never mind. Actually, you know, let's just forget it, pay up, and get out of here. (the four pay up and leave teh bar and are greeted by BEARDED MAN selling roses on a street corner.) 
BEARDED MAN: Roses? Anyone?
LD: No thanks. I'm ok.
KESSEL: Wait a minute...you look familiar...
SCHENN: Are you Rickard Wallin?
BEARDED MAN: Uh...yes. I am Rickard Wallin.
PHANEUF: Then fuck you, Wallin, right in your lazy eye. (WALLIN looks down and starts to cry a bit as LD, PHANEUF, KESSEL and SCHENN continue on their way. THE END)

Maple Leafs Chat: Meanwhile...

***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, being injured for the Olympics sucks.
MaiHartWillDion: At least you got picked. They didn't want me. It's sad.
KomiKazi: I know a lot of guys here are on vacation, but hey, there's no reason we can hang out. Maybe some NHL10 and some beers or something.
MaiHartWillDion: Can we do karaoke? I figgin' LOVE karaoke!
KomiKazi: Oh, ok. That sounds like fun! What kind of stuff do you do?
MaiHartWillDion: I figgin' love to sing Journey!
KomiKazi:...
MaiHartWillDion: What?
KomiKazi: Dude...
MaiHartWillDion:What's wrong with Journey?
KomiKazi: Look, there are only two kinds of people who listen to Journey: pussies and drunken sorority skanks.
MaiHartWillDion: Oh yeah, what kind of stuff do YOU listen to, Mr Kickass McAweseome pants?
KomiKazi: well, I kinda like Metallica...

MaiHartWillDion: Whatever.
StempOfApproval: GUYS! I just found something awesome on the Internet!
MaiHartWillDion: The Internet? There's porn there!
KomiKazi: Yay for boobs!
StempOfApproval: Check it out:

MaiHartWillDion: Holy crap...
KomiKazi: It's Journey...AND Metallica. And it doesn't suck! Kickass!