***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
SonOfaMitch: So Coach, do you have any inspiration words for our next game?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Look, I’ve given all of you every motivational angle I can think of. I’ve tried every strategy the fan forums suggest sort of taking you all out back and shooting you in the face. All of you already know what I’m gonna say. So, I’m going to go home, drink this big bottle of aftershave, put on some Journey, and cry my eyes out. Later, bitches
***I_Ron_Butterfly has left the chat room!***
SonOfaMitch: Oh, what the fuck?
NazDaq: Well, we can always try harder and make improvements and stuff, right?
KomiKazi: Right, but this recent streak is really damn depressing.
NazDaq: You know what always cheers me up? Tacos. Tacos rule.
KomiKazi: Tacos are awesome, aren’t they?
SonOfaMitch: Yeah, Kadri, you’d know, like, how to make the best tacos in the world, wouldn’t you?
NazDaq:..Wait, what?
SonOfaMitch: Well, don’t you people eat, like, lots of tacos and burritos and stuff?
KomiKazi: What the hell is going on?
NazDaq: What do you mean “you people”?
SonOfaMitch: You oughta know…Mexicans.
KomiKazi: What the hell?
NazDaq: Dude...what makes you think I’m Mexican? I’m not Mexican.
SonOfaMitch: Sorry if I was offensive, man. It’s just…sometimes I get Mexicans and Indians mixed up.
NazDaq: I’m not Indian either.
KomiKazi: He’s right. He likes steak and he doesn’t know shit about computers.
NazDaq: No, you guys. I’m Canadian and Lebanese.
SonOfaMitch: Lebanese? So uh….does that mean you have to, like, scissor? Or something?
NazDaq: What the hell is wrong with you?
KomiKazi: Nah, Johnny, you’re thinking of a lesbian. Not a Lebanese. Unless there’s such a thing as a Lebanese lesbian ….
SonOfaMitch: You mena like Selma Hayek?
NazDaq: Look, guys, I think I need to head out. Later.
KomiKazi: Later!
SonOfaMitch: Good luck with your, uh, softball?
NazDaq: SHUT UP, MITCHELL!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat: The Team Learns about Racial Sensitivity
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2
Friday, October 15, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat:When the steaks are high
***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, you guys know what I miss most about Montreal?
KesselRun81Parsecs: The strippers?
ButtonsAndBeauch: Buying beer at the gas station?
SchennSational: Warming your hands on a freshly-lit car fire?
KomiKazi: OK, fine, those things are also great. But what I really miss are the steaks.
ButtonsAndBeauch: What about the steaks? What’s so special about it?
KomiKazi: It’s just got all of these spices and stuff. It’s amazing!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Dude, you can just buy it in stores and make steaks at home.
KomiKazi: Get out of here! You mean you can just BUY Montreal steak seasoning?
SchennSational: Well…yeah.
KomiKazi: You must not be able to buy it in Canada, right? I mean, it’d sounds pretty stupid to call it “Montreal steak seasoning” when you’re so close to Montreal. Kinda like how they don’t call it New York Strip Steak in New York, right?
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’ve seen it before. Sometimes it’s just “steak seasoning” but sometimes they mark it as “Montreal seasoning.”
KomiKazi:…
KomiKazi: You guys…this changes everything, you guys.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sometimes I like putting it on my baked potatoes. It’s tasty.
KomiKazi: OMIGOD! I never knew you could do that! But is it actual steak seasoning? I always thought there were special spices, like tears of French people or something.
SchennSational: I’m gonna default to Beauch on this one.
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’d say it’s pretty tasty.
KomiKazi: I’m gonna go to the grocery store and get like a 10 pound sack. I’ll get one of those smaller bottles and keep it on me so I can have Montreal steak all the time!
KesselRun81Parsecs: You don’t wanna do that, ya know. Ya don’t wanna overdo the awesomeness.
SchennSational: Kessel’s right, you have to do stuff in moderation and such.
Grab_Bag: Hallos. You know what I most miss of Montreal?
KomiKazi: What?
Grab_Bag: NOTHING!
Grab_Bag: /stabs fruit.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat: Stache-Dance, What a Feeling!
***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Well boys, I’ve been watching you in the preseason, and I have to ask, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?
MaiHartWilDion: Coach Wilson, if I may suggest something as captain…
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: IT’D BETTER BE GOOD!
MaiHartWilDion: I think the reason we’ve been underperforming is…we need to grow bitchen’ staches.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY:…
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: FOR FUCK’S SAKE—
KesselRun81Parsecs: Dude, I’ve always WANTED a bitchen’ stache!
Komi_Kazi: Yeah, moustaches for all!
Hey_Kule_aid: /stares blankly ahead
Caputi_Call: Yeah, we can grow staches and look like firefighters!
MonstersBall: Or somebody’s dad!
Komi_Kazi: We can even do it for cancer stuff. It’ll be great!
Death_Kabs_4QT: Excuse me, but I do not understand how growing moustaches will help our game.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Well, Kabbie, you would kinda look like Freddie Mercury if you had a mustache.
Death_Kabs_4QT: …and that’s awesome.
BrownGoesBrown: I think I can help you guys out here…
Komi_Kazi: Wait, who are you?
BrownGoesBrown: I’m Mike Brown. I’ve been playing with you guys this whole preseason.
MaiHartWilDion: Nah, you can’t be Mike.
BrownGoesBrown: Why not? I’ve been Mike my whole life!
MaiHartWilDion: Nah, it’s just that we already have a Mike, We can’t have two Mikes. People will get confused. Your new name is Sprinkles.
Komi_Kazi: Sprinkles…I like it.
BrownGoesBrown: But why do I have to be Sprinkles?
Komi_Kazi: I was Mike before you were.
BrownGoesBrown: O..kay, but why Sprinkles?
MaiHartWilDion: I dunno. I figure it’s funny to be able to say stuff like “Good goal, Sprinkles!” and “Kick his ass, Sprinkles!”
BrownGoesBrown: I think it might be a bit demeaning and insulting, is all.
I_RON_BUTTERFLY: Quit causing trouble, Sprinkles!
MaiHartWilDion: See, that’s why I’m captain.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat: Not The Beachcombers
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| photo source: |
Cuthbert_Island: Oh Dion, it’s so nice to have this little beach getaway before the season gets too crazy.
MaiHartWillDion: Yeah. Being the captain’s gonna be hard work, but I know that if I have you, I can do anything.
Cuthbert_Island: Awww…that’s so sweet!
MaiHartWillDion: Wait a second…who are those guys right over there?
Cuthbert_Island: Don’t worry about them. They have just as much right to the beach as we do…
MaiHartWillDion: Ah, shit. It’s Mike and Phil. God damn it.
KomiKazi: Hey Dion, Elisha.
KesselRun81Parsecs: HAY GUYZ!
MaiHartWillDion: Hey Mike and Phil. What’s up?
KomiKazi: OK, listen. Sean Avery and I were trying to do a “What Not to Wear” type thing with Phil as our project.
Cuthbert_Island: Wait, why were you hanging out with Sean Avery?
KomiKazi: We ran into each other the other night, started slinging back Jaegerbombs and Appletinis and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, we got into an argument and…Sean’s not here.
KesselRun81Parsecs: We had to defend your honor, Elisha!
KomiKazi: No, *I* defended her honor. You just held open the dumpster lid while I dumped in Avery’s bloody body.
Cuthbert_Island: Oh my God, YOU KILLED SEAN AVERY?!
KomiKazi:…I don’t think I did.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sean said he wanted to open a restaurant called “Sloppy Second Joe’s” and name sandwiches after you two. He said he’d make ‘em “with extra spunk.”
KomiKazi: Yeah, then he dropped a P-bomb and I kinda lost my shit.
MaiHartWillDion: P-bomb?
KesselRun81Parsecs: He called him a Polack, which I never knew was a bad word.
MaiHartWillDion: I thought Polack was that guy that did the dripping paintings.
Cuthbert_Island: You’re thinking of Jackson Pollack, he did the splatter paintings. Polack is a bad word for a Polish person.
KomiKazi: Thank you! Now you know why I got upset.
MaiHartWillDion: You didn’t kill him, did you? I mean, Avery’s a pesky little shithead to play against, but killing him’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, Mike wouldn’t kill him. He’s just not as pretty as he was before, even if he wasn’t so pretty to start with.
KomiKazi: Seriously, you’d think somebody who spent that much time and energy on fashion and appearance would know what works and what doesn’t, but he just puts out a subpar product. I roll out of bed looking this fabulous.
Cuthbert_Island: So why are you two here, then?
KomiKazi: After we ditched Avery, we kinda looked at each other and said “Fuck it, let’s go to the beach.”
Cuthbert_Island: Well…wouldn’t you guys rather go back where you were? It’s all rocky and uncomfortable here.
Cuthbert_Island: /wink, wink
MaiHartWillDion: Nah, Elisha, I got this. Komi, Phil…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, Dion?
MaiHartWillDion: Continue cockblocking me and I will punch both of you in the throat. Okay?
KomiKazi: Ohhh…hey Phil, let’s uh…get ice cream.
KesselRun81Parsecs: YAAAAAY ICE CREAM!
MaiHartWillDion: See you guys!
Cuthbert_Island: Bye!
KomiKazi: Later!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey Mike…was I the only person back there to not whatsits with Elisha?
KomiKazi: Pffft, I was doing the Cuthbert back when it was underground and cool. Now, not only would you be a bandwagon-jumper, Dion would gut you like a fish.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, geez.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friday Youtube yoinkage July 23, 2010
This week's theme is Mike Komisarek because 1: he's a Leaf 2: he hits people when his shoulder doesn't hurt 3:he's really pretty and 4: he visits kids with cancer and really likes burgers. To the clips!
Clip one is how Mike spends summers at the 3E institute. (CONTAINS: shirtless Komisarek, may impede work progress)
In clip two, some guy asks Mike oddball questions like "which one of the Kostitsyn brothers is more attractive?" I'll have to agree with Mike's response of "what kind of question is that?"--the correct answer is neither Kostitsyn brother.
Clip three, because it still cracks me up like a madwoman every time, is "Mike Komisarek and Martin Forever Leafs Sucks"
Astute viewers may notice that all of these clips are from when Mike was part of the Montreal Canadiens. I can't help it if right after he went to the Leafs, he hurt his shoulder and stopped doing silly stuff in order to heal. Get well soon, Mike.
Monday, July 5, 2010
I would just like to say...
Mike Komisarek is very, very, ridiculously good looking. Very.
Regularly scheduled WWoLD will return shortly.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Leafs for Life: Mike Komisarek
In this new feature, various members of the Toronto Maple Leafs get a chance to share their worldviews and perspectives on a variety of issues. This time, we feature Mike Komisarek.
I know you all are probably at least as sick of the whole Tiger Woods coverage as I am. However, since I’ve been injured, I’ve had some time to think some of it over. People are wondering why an athlete would cheat on a super-hot Swedish model wife (for example), and I think I can drop some science on this to mansplain things.
Let’s use Tiger Woods as an example. Did you know his real first name is Eldrick? Eldrick Woods sounds like some place in “The Hobbit” or some shit. He went to school in southern California in a place where he was the only Blasian (I think that’s the correct name) golfer in school. Hell, he was probably the only Blasian there. Plus, golf is a really solitary sport—it’s just you and the coach most of the time. It’s not like hockey or football where you have a team to be your buddies and a second family. All in all, he’s a loner with a dorky-ass name and probably a bit of a nerd. These are the kind of guys who, if they get a chance to, like to make up for lost time.
See, to get to a professional level of a sport, it means you have to spend a lot of time practicing and training. This means that you don’t get to do a lot of other stuff—you might not get to go to dances or to prom and stuff like that because you have a tournament or something that weekend. But when you’re an athlete, it’s like being in high school, but with more hot girls AND you can actually pursue them because you have the money and availability. It’s like the energy and experience of chasing the opposite sex gets pent up and gets stronger the more pent up it is until it oozes out like a volcano. Being a pro athlete is like being in high school, except there’s no homework, you can legally drive and go to strip clubs, and all the women are legal.
As money and athletic fame increase, the likelihood of hot bitches also increases. This concept is best explained by this graph:
See? That's simple science, fools.
In conclusion, athletes cheat on hot model wives for two main reasons: because they freakin’ can, and because they’re making up for time spent alone and practicing as a teenager.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat: Betcha Can't Eat Just One
***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey guys! I just found out they got Cadbury crème eggs out again!
MaiHartWillDion: Dude, crème eggs have been out for like, at least a month.
MonstersBall: Cream and eggs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah! I got a box of a hundred of them. Have some, Jonas!
MonstersBall: I don’t know if I should…
MaiHartWillDion: Come on, Jonas. They’re like awesome wrapped in chocolate.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Doncha have these in Sweden?
MonstersBall: We do, it’s just that my mother would never let me have any. She said they had far too much sugar in them.
BallinToTheWallin: He’s just worried about what his mommy might say.
MonstersBall: …
MonstersBall: My mom’s dead, you asshole.
BallinToTheWallin: Oopsie doodles.
MaiHartWillDion: Seriously, dick move, man….
BallinToTheWallin: Well, my mom said the same thing. She said something so messy couldn’t be good for you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, come on guys. Sweden’s all the way in Russia or something.
MaiHartWillDion: And Rickard, you’re almost 30, for God’s sake. You have to cut the cord sometime.
MonstersBall: This is good point.
BallinToTheWallin: Oh well…bottoms up, I guess
***Several hours later, at Hooker Harvey’s…***
KomiKazi: Jonas? Wallin? Are you guys OK? Wake up, guys!
MonstersBall: AHHHHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
BallinToTheWallin: COBRAS!
KomiKazi: It’s me, Mike Komisarek. What are you guys doing in this burger joint full of hookers?
MonstersBall: What are YOU doing here?
KomiKazi: I , er, uh….shoulder rehab always gives me the munchies for something greasy and delicious.
BallinToTheWallin: The stuff here isn’t good for your body at all.
KomiKazi: It’s good for the soul, Wallin. And you still didn’t answer my question.
BallinToTheWallin: I…I don’t know. Last night, Phil Kessel gave us a bunch of cream eggs—
MonstersBall: Like a hundred cream eggs in a box.
BallinToTheWallin: And then I ate one, and another, and some more, and then…
MonstersBall: …then there were little foil wrappers all over the place and then it was light out and we ended up here.
KomiKazi: Bullshit. Cream eggs don’t do that to anyone. Cocaine, absinthe or tequila might, but if that were the case you would be missing pants.
BallinToTheWallin: I HAVE PANTS?
KomiKazi: Yes, you do.
MonstersBall: I am aware of my pants.
KomiKazi: So wait, is sugar and chocolate like cocaine for you guys?
BallinToTheWallin: …
MonstersBall: Maaaaaybe.
KomiKazi: Man, Swedes are weird. Wait a second. If you guys split a hundred eggs, how are you not puking or in a diabetic coma right now?
MonstersBall: I don’t know. I just ate one and then some more and I just kept going.
BallinToTheWallin: DEAR GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!
KomiKazi: That’s a ketchup stand.
MonstersBall: AHHH! NO!
KomiKazi: I know some people don’t like ketchup, but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
BallinToTheWallin: It’s a dwarf hobo! I think he’s opening a portal to Hell!
MonstersBall: AND EATING A BABY!
BallinToTheWallin: /attacks ketchup stand with vicious slapfight maneuvers
Harveys_Manager: /throws BallinToTheWallin, MonstersBall:, and KomiKazi out of the Harvey’s
KomiKazi: Nice going, guys. Now I’m probably banned for life from Harvey’s. I didn’t even get to finish my burger.
BallinToTheWallin: WHAT IS ON MY HANDS?
MonstersBall: Did he kill a hobo?
KomiKazi: /Rolls eyes
KomiKazi: Yes, Rickard. You killed a hobo. Just stright up, stone cold murdered a dude.
BallinToTheWallin: AHHHHH!
MonstersBall: I don’t know you!
BallinToTheWallin: /wipes hands on every available surface
KomiKazi: Nah, I was just messing with you—
BallinToTheWallin: what will these hands never be clean?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat: Meanwhile...
***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, being injured for the Olympics sucks.
MaiHartWillDion: At least you got picked. They didn't want me. It's sad.
KomiKazi: I know a lot of guys here are on vacation, but hey, there's no reason we can hang out. Maybe some NHL10 and some beers or something.
MaiHartWillDion: Can we do karaoke? I figgin' LOVE karaoke!
KomiKazi: Oh, ok. That sounds like fun! What kind of stuff do you do?
MaiHartWillDion: I figgin' love to sing Journey!
KomiKazi:...
MaiHartWillDion: What?
KomiKazi: Dude...
MaiHartWillDion:What's wrong with Journey?
KomiKazi: Look, there are only two kinds of people who listen to Journey: pussies and drunken sorority skanks.
MaiHartWillDion: Oh yeah, what kind of stuff do YOU listen to, Mr Kickass McAweseome pants?
KomiKazi: well, I kinda like Metallica...
MaiHartWillDion: Whatever.
StempOfApproval: GUYS! I just found something awesome on the Internet!
MaiHartWillDion: The Internet? There's porn there!
KomiKazi: Yay for boobs!
StempOfApproval: Check it out:
MaiHartWillDion: Holy crap...
KomiKazi: It's Journey...AND Metallica. And it doesn't suck! Kickass!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Valentines for All
(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK, MIKE KOMISAREK, and MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI are on a couch in STEMPNIAK's house)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of Ask Lee Stempniak!
MIKE KOMISAREK: It’s ask the injury reserve edition! The best advice show Hot Pockets can buy!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Death pockets!
STEMPNIAK: With me are fellow hockey players Mike Komisarek and Mikhail Grabovski. It’s a special Valentine’s edition of the show this time.
KOMISAREK: It’s the kind of thing we do great.
STEMPNIAK: The first question is from Alex in Westchester, who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: My girlfriend and I have an anniversary coming up. Neither of us is really into romantic stuff, so you got any ideas for dates that aren’t just the standard “dinner and a movie” or “cook each other dinner” bullcrap?”
KOMISAREK: Hrmmm…it depends what you and your girl are into. If you guys are both into a certain band or if your both hockey fans, I’d suggest you go to a concert or a game.
GRABOVSKI: And I cans say if yous in hockey or other sports, you can talk about game while it goes. Is not like in movie or concert.
STEMPNIAK: You know what else you could do is, like, those workshops that Home Depot does where you learn how to do home improvement stuff. Another kind of “offbeat” thing you can do is go to a firing range followed by a nice dinner—you know, a mix of soft feminine with hard butch.
KOMISAREK: Honestly, if a girl wanted to go to Home Depot and a firing range with me, I’d drop to one knee and propose on the spot.
STEMPNIAK: Our next letter is from Shoshanna in Kingston who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and we’re going out to karaoke with some friends. The problem is that we don’t really like any of the same music. What are some romantic song selections that aren’t too sappy that we can both like?”
KOMISAREK: You two will have to answer this one because I know I would be way too tempted to sing stuff like “Baby Got Back” or something. LA Face with an Oakland booty! (makes whipping noise)
STEMPNIAK: You know, I always thought that “Born to Run” was a nice, not-too-sappy love song.
GRABOVSKI: …yous serious?
STEMPNIAK: Well, yeah.
KOMISAREK: Dude, “Born to Run” is about getting the Hell out of New Jersey.
STEMPNIAK: But it’s got that whole “let’s take on the world and have adventures” vibe…
KOMISAREK: It couldn’t be more about getting the fuck out of New Jersey if Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to “Tramps like us gotta get the fuck out of New Jersey.” It says the word “suicide” twice!
STEMPNIAK: …I like my reading of it better. Grabbo, what do you think is a good love song?
GRABOVSKI: I likes that version of Springsteen, is how I sing it now! I also likes Rolling Stones! But for singings, I liking “Tequila.”
STEMPNIAK: Well, hey, that one’s funny and cute and would be a great memory, I guess.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, even Grabbo would know the words, which is more than I can say for Dion Phaneuf.
STEMPNIAK: Moving on…Kyle in Scarborough asks, “I’m currently living in an apartment with my brother and his girlfriend. We all get along great, except for one thing. Sometimes, I can hear them having sex through the walls when I’m trying to sleep! Should I mention this or just let it slide?”
GRABOVSKI: How hot is girlfriend?
STEMPNIAK: That’s just wrong, Mikhail.
KOMISAREK: Seriously. That is DO NOT ENTER territory.
GRABOVSKI: Well, maybes if overhearing sexytimes is worst of living there, is not such bad living place, no?
STEMPNIAK: I…didn’t understand a word of that.
KOMISAREK: I think what Grabbo means is that if overhearing sex every now and then is the biggest problem, this Kyle guy doesn’t have it so bad for roommates.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, unless it’s, say, every night or if it’s REALLY loud, then he might want to mention something. But if it’s just every now and then, some earplugs on the nightstand never hurt anybody.
GRABOVSKI: Lee, I no like your black and white cat. He stares at me for whole time, and cat only stares at things when they goings to kill it.
STEMPNIAK: Guys, that’s just Buttons. He likes everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s not ever a real cat—he’s just a stuffed toy.
KOMISAREK: See? I told you it was real! I so wasn’t making it up!
GRABOVSKI: O….kay…
KOMISAREK: Look, Lee…I think I have an appointment for uh, whatever’s wrong with me. I gotta go. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Bye Mike! Are you sure you don’t wanna stick around?
KOMISAREK:…I think this one might be important.
GRABOVSKI: I must be goings, too.
STEMPNIAK: Ahh, you too, Grabbo?
GRABOVSKI: Yeah, I as weblog to update and cute girls to text. It takes me extra long because of hurty wrists. Have fun with your kitty, Lee! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, bye, Mikhail…you know Buttons, there’s no reason to sulk alone. I’m going to brush you out and we’re gonna have a killer night on the town, whaddya say? Well…yeah, it might be a bit odd, but we could at least see a movie or something. I’m sure they’d let you in…Alright! Let me get my best brown suit and we’re off!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention
I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!
***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: OH HAI GUYZ
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Belfour_To_the_Floor: EDDIE BELFOUR! HOW’S YA DOIN!
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Ask Lee Stempniak: Bisexual, Asshat
(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house, where he is seated on his couch with PHIL KESSEL and MIKE KOMISAREK)
STEMPNIAK: Welcome again to another edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Once more, I am your host, NHL player Lee Stempniak. I’m joined here by my friends and two of the newer members of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Phil Kessel and Mike Komisarek. Thanks for coming out, you guys.
MIKE KOMISAREK: Thanks for, uh, having us, I guess.
PHIL KESSEL: WOWIE! 50 BUCKS to hang out with you and answer mail? Thanks Lee! Man, I’m gonna go buy Assassin’s Creed!
KOMISAREK: I dunno Phil, maybe Little Big Planet is more up your alley…
KESSEL: Why is that, Mike?
KOMISAREK: Well, it’s just that you’re….never mind.
STEMPNIAK: Jared in London asks “How do they get the caramel inside of the Caramilk bar?”
KESSEL: Man, that’s a hard one. But yanno, those Australians do some pretty crazy stuff, donchaknow. I dunno if their Caramilk is the same as our Caramilk.
KOMISAREK: Wait a second: Australians?
KESSEL: Well, yeah, isn’t he in London?
STEMPNIAK: That means he could be British. Or maybe he’s from Ontario, or any other place that has a city named “London.”
KOMISAREK: There are quite a few of those.
STEMPNIAK: I think they make the section with the…packets part, I guess you call it, then put in caramel, then put on a slab of chocolate.
KESSEL: “Packet parts”?
STEMPNIAK: Kinda like an ice cube tray, I guess?
KESSEL: So Caramilks are ice cube trays? Geez, you Canadians are weird.
KOMISAREK: Uh, I’m from Long Island.
STEMPNIAK: I’m from the Buffalo-ish area.
KESSEL: Close enough!
STEMPNIAK: Kessel, you’re from Wisconsin! You’re probably closer than either of us!
KESSEL: You’re still weird.
STEMPNIAK: Anyway, Samantha from Denver wants to know “On a scale of 1-10, how hairy is Ian White?” I’d say….11.
KOMISAREK: Yes, 11. Dude sheds like a cat.
KESSEL: He’s like a…wolverine or something, he’s so fackin’ hairy.
STEMPNIAK: Next question is from Dave in Newbury who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, I’m writing to you because I think we’re in the same situation. I'm in a real personal pickle. I've always felt, well, a bit different from the other people I know and I think I may be bisexual. How can I come out to my really conservative parents?" Wait…how would I be in the same situation as this guy? I’m not—
KESSEL: What’s a bisexual? Does that mean he fucks bicycles?
KOMISAREK: Nah, it means he’s only gay on weekends.
KESSEL: I thought it meant that he was only gay when he was depressed?
STEMPNIAK: That makes absolutely no sense, Phil. Gay can also mean happy.
KOMISAREK: Well, this guy can’t be too happy—he’s asking Lee Stempniak for advice!
STEMPNIAK: No, you guys, being bisexual means that…you like the person for being them, not because they’re a man or a woman.
KESSEL: So you’re an equal opportunity humper?
KOMISAREK: Like Tila Tequila!
KESSEL: So all bisexuals are hot skanks?
STEMPNIAK: Well, no. It’s not like all straight chicks are hot, you know.
KOMISAREK: Wait….Lee, at the beginning of the letter, Dave says “I think we’re in the same situation.” Is there something you’re not telling us, Lee?
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no. I’m pretty sure I would know if I were bisexual.
KOMISAREK: I dunno, Lee, that’s not what it says on Talk Sports. Check it out, I got it on my Blackberry. Ahem: “I heard stemper was bicurious actually. Him and his friend Dan Shribman had a little bit of a thing. Dan was the recipient if that means anything.”
KESSEL: Uhh…wow, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: Dammit, that’s not true! Talk Sports is like Bleacher Report for puck bunnies!
KESSEL: Not that there’s anything wrong with you being, you know…
STEMPNIAK:…Except it’s not true.
KOMISAREK: Well Dave, here’s what you do: start by telling them you are attracted to Luke Schenn, ‘cause 99% of males admit to being attracted to him--the other 1% are lying. Then slowly work your way through slightly less attractive NHL players, movie stars, or band guys.
STEMPNIAK: I also heard of some people who come out by go on and on about their boyfriend or girlfriend and then switch pronouns. So, they’d be going on about “Oh, my girlfriend’s awesome, she’s got a great job and such and such, and by the way, her name’s Fred.”
KOMISAREK: But you gotta be brave to do that, don’t you?
STEMPNIAK: Oh yeah, but you just have to know your situation. You might want to find a friend who’s gay, lesbian or bi and ask them, or you can go online and get one of the forums for this kind of thing. Anyway, good luck, Dave!
KESSEL: This is what I love about this show, Lee. You can help people with anything--whether it's about coming out of the closet, what color is best for a prom dress, or where to get a good sandwich.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, Lee, about that…you said there would be sandwiches. All we got is some stale Triscuts with spray cheese on them
STEMPNIAK: ...and Hot pockets! Hot pockets are like sandwiches, but better
KOMISAREK: You only have ham and cheese. That’s like the Kmart of hot pockets.
STEMPNIAK: Well, I just need to stock up. It's been a while since I made a Costco run
KOMISAREK: I hate Costco. It’s always so busy, and I mean, who needs 10 gallons of chunky peanut butter? (KESSEL slowly raises his hand. KOMISAREK and STEMPNIAK give him odd looks.)
KESSEL: What? It's tasty and good on fruit!
KOMISAREK: So that’s why you always want to room with Grabovski. Geez, it must be like some sort of freaky fruit peanut butter buffet in there
KESSEL: Man, you don't want to know
STEMPNIAK: (Nervously) Haha bi-nanana! You guys get it? ‘Cause of—
KOMISAREK: Yes Lee, I get it.
KESSEL: I don’t.
KOMISAREK: Of course you don’t because you’re…never mind. Actually, I gotta go, um…I have laundry to fold. See you later, Lee, Phil. (KOMISAREK leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Later Mike!
KESSEL: Later! Maybe I should go too, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: You too? Don’t you want to answer some more letters, or have some more Hot Pockets? Hell, you want to come on a Costco run with me? You know, I could get more Hot Pockets, you could get more peanut butter…we could make a trip out of it.
KESSEL: Nah, I think I’m all set for now. Thanks anyway.
STEMPNIAK: Well, if you need anything, just call me. I’ll be a great buddy for you, Phil! See, even my cat Buttons likes you. Well, then again, he’s a stuffed cat, so he likes everybody...
KESSEL: Uh, yeah. Sure. One more thing though…PHILLLLL KESSSEEELLLL. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know about him, Buttons.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Maple Leafs Chat: Leafs Put to Tosk
***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto maple Leafs!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?
KomiKazi: I dunno
ShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.
StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?
Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.
PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?
I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.
PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.
ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!
Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.
KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?
Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.
PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!
I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!
PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.
StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?
Tosking_Heads:…OK.
StempOfApproval: /enters closet
KomiKazi: Who was that guy?
ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?
***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***
White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?
StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.
White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.
PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!
ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!
StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!
I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.
I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiver
VanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!
I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?
VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!
KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.