It's become something of a tradition over here at tWWoLD to have a longer series over the "holidays" time. Last year, it was "It's a Wendelful Life". The year before that, it was "Leafer Madness. " This year, I present to you all the heart-warming story of "Holiday Kesstacular!"
Sunday, December 6, 2009
(SCENE: After practice)
RON WILSON: Ok guys, fine practice. Kessel, can I see you in my office for a minute?
PHIL KESSEL: Sure thing, coach.
WILSON: Now Phil, as you know, I’m really big on getting guys to do events in the community, and I was just wondering if you found anything like that here in Toronto.
KESSEL: Well Ron, I’m still getting used to this city. Like yesterday, I was so lost, but I kept saying to myself “If I can find Yonge street, I can know where I am.” Do you have any idea how long that street is, Ron?
WILSON: It’s one of the longest streets in the world, Phil. Goes all the way from Lake Ontario to Barrie.
KESSEL: And the streets are so logical and grid-like—not at all like Boston. I get so confused anytime I try to go out and get milk, let alone trying to found a charity!
WILSON: Fair enough. Schenn and Stajan are going to a school thing tomorrow, teach the kids not to do drugs, drink milk, stay in school, that kind of stuff—you wanna go with them?
KESSEL: Sure, Coach—sounds great.
(THE NEXT DAY, LUKE SCHENN, MATT STAJAN, and KESSEL are in a school auditorium as a generic motivational speaker talks to the students.)
MATT STAJAN: (Drowsily) Holy shit, man, I am so freaking hung over…
LUKE SCHENN: Not so loud, Matt. You can’t let the kids hear that. We’re supposed to be positive role models!
KESSEL: Too many strawberry daiquiris last night, Matt?
STAJAN: I think the lights are humming too loudly…
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Now it’s YOUR turn, kids! What do you want to ask the Toronto Maple Leafs? (Lots of kids raise hands, yell “mememe”) uh, yes, you. (Points at LITTLE BILLY, who stands up)
LITTLE BILLY: Mr. Stajan, how can you justify your position on the team given your rather low score totals, lack of playoff experience, and your tendency for dropping the puck at inopportune times?
STAJAN: Uhhhh….you’re a smart one…
SCHENN: Who wants to see me erase somebody?
KESSEL: Who wants to see me shoot some slappers?
KIDS: I DO! I DO! ME! (etc.)
(later that day…)
STAJAN: Thanks for saving me back there, guys.
SCHENN: Matt, you’ve been doing this for how many years now? You shouldn’t need saving.
KESSEL: That wasn’t so bad. I like working with kids ‘cause I can understand their level of thinking.
STAJAN: Phil, Luke. I’m sorry but…it’s just that…(sighs) You have one Shirley Temple , and you think “Wow, this is so awesome! I want more!” So you do, and then you have another, and another, until you’ve had 10 or 12. Then you realize you can’t feel your lips anymore, it’s three AM and you’re starting to argue with tables and chairs.
SCHENN: I’m not much of a cocktail kind of guy, but I think a Shirley Temple has no alcohol in it.
KESSEL: Yeah, I think it’s like, sugar syrup and ginger ale or something with cherries.
STAJAN: …Really? (SCHENN and KESSEL nod.) Well, crap.
SCHENN: To be fair, sugar crashes can be pretty bad, too.
STAJAN: I guess it’s back to Long Island Iced Teas for me. Later, guys. (goes home.)
SCHENN: Yeah, it was an okay time, but I have to head home, Phil. That lucky bamboo won’t water itself. (goes home.)
KESSEL: Later,Matty! Later, Schenners. (WILSON appears from behind a bush.) Coach Ron? Where did you come from?
WILSON: I always need to keep an eye on my players, especially the good ones, like you. How did it go with the kids today, Phil?
KESSEL: It was OK, I guess. But sometimes with speakers and the stuff we did today, the kids who are gonna do drugs and whatever don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t wanna be just another thing they tune out, donchaknow. I want to actually help people.
WILSON: Well, Phil, I’m sure you’ll find your place and special gifts soon enough.
Will Phil Kessel find his special way to help people? Find out in the next chapter of our Holiday Kesstacular!