Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Time to Say Goodbye: Loser Domi

My Dear Readers,

I don't usually complain, but I cannot keep silent any longer. I'm tired of false hopes and underperforming. I'm tired of watching the Toronto Maple Leafs and I'm VERY tired of writing about them.

I'm tired of the fans who stick by the team, no matter what. You know, those delusional morons who think opinion is fact and who can't seem to realize that the Leafs have not won the Stanley Cup--or even gone to the Finals for the Cup--since 1967 (43 years is a lot longer than I've been alive.) The leafs don't even have a first round draft pick for the next two years! How are they going to stop sucking when their cupboard is bare? I'd have to be a survivor of brain damage to stay aboard this sinking ship. That's why I, Loser Domi, am officially changing my allegiance to a team committed to a future of winning:

That's right, I'm an Islanders fan now. Actually, to be perfectly honest, there is another, more special reason why I have switched teams. I have met someone who fulfills me more than YouTube, dick jokes and slash fic COMBINED:
John and I started talking on Facebook after being connected through our mutual friend, Kevin Schultz of Barry Melrose Rocks. John and I will be married within the year and I will give up blogging in order to fully devote myself to the relationship. Here's the ring he gave me:

Kevin, I look forward to your drunk and embarrassing speech at our reception. And to everyone who has read me, thanks--that was fun.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Fiday Youtube Yoinkage: March 26, 2010

This week's theme, as suggested by one of my Twitter buddies (either KidK or Warwalker, I forget which one of you it was), today's theme is "Cavemen in hockey"

Clip one: Capitals hockey--so easy, a caveman could do it.

Clip Two: Gieco Caveman goes around the Winter Classic

Clip three: Cabbie interviews the Leafs' own caveman-in-residence, Dion Phanuef. All you need to know? DION PHANUEF SONG

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: Betcha Can't Eat Just One

***Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey guys! I just found out they got Cadbury crème eggs out again!
MaiHartWillDion: Dude, crème eggs have been out for like, at least a month.
MonstersBall:  Cream and eggs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah! I got a box of a hundred of them. Have some, Jonas!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know if I should…
MaiHartWillDion: Come on, Jonas. They’re like awesome wrapped in chocolate.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Doncha have these in Sweden?
MonstersBall:  We do, it’s just that my mother would never let me have any. She said they had far too much sugar in them.
BallinToTheWallin: He’s just worried about what his mommy might say.
MonstersBall:  …
MonstersBall:  My mom’s dead, you asshole.
BallinToTheWallin:  Oopsie doodles.
MaiHartWillDion: Seriously, dick move, man….
BallinToTheWallin: Well, my mom said the same thing. She said something so messy couldn’t be good for you.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, come on guys. Sweden’s all the way in Russia or something.
MaiHartWillDion: And Rickard, you’re almost 30, for God’s sake. You have to cut the cord sometime.
MonstersBall:  This is good point.
BallinToTheWallin: Oh well…bottoms up, I guess
***Several hours later, at Hooker Harvey’s…***
Jonas? Wallin? Are you guys OK? Wake up, guys!
MonstersBall:  AHHHHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
BallinToTheWallin: COBRAS!
KomiKazi: It’s me, Mike Komisarek. What are you guys doing in this burger joint full of hookers?
MonstersBall:  What are YOU doing here?
KomiKazi: I , er, uh….shoulder rehab always gives me the munchies for something greasy and delicious.
BallinToTheWallin:  The stuff here isn’t good for your body at all.
KomiKazi: It’s good for the soul, Wallin. And you still didn’t answer my question.
BallinToTheWallin:  I…I don’t know. Last night, Phil Kessel gave us a bunch of cream eggs—
MonstersBall:   Like a hundred cream eggs in a box.
BallinToTheWallin:  And then I ate one, and another, and some more, and then…
MonstersBall:  …then there were little foil wrappers all over the place and then it was light out and  we ended up here.
KomiKazi: Bullshit. Cream eggs don’t do that to anyone. Cocaine, absinthe or tequila might, but if that were the case you would be missing pants.
BallinToTheWallin:  I HAVE PANTS?
KomiKazi: Yes, you do.
MonstersBall:  I am aware of my pants.
KomiKazi: So wait, is sugar and chocolate like cocaine for you guys?
MonstersBall:  Maaaaaybe.
KomiKazi: Man, Swedes are weird. Wait a second. If you guys split a hundred eggs, how are you not puking or in a diabetic coma right now?
MonstersBall:  I don’t know. I just ate one and then some more and I just kept going.
BallinToTheWallin: DEAR GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!
KomiKazi: That’s a ketchup stand.
MonstersBall:  AHHH! NO!
KomiKazi: I know some people don’t like ketchup, but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
BallinToTheWallin: It’s a dwarf hobo! I think he’s opening a portal to Hell!
MonstersBall:  AND EATING A BABY!
BallinToTheWallin: /attacks ketchup stand with vicious slapfight maneuvers
Harveys_Manager: /throws BallinToTheWallin, MonstersBall:, and KomiKazi out of the Harvey’s
KomiKazi: Nice going, guys. Now I’m probably banned for life from Harvey’s. I didn’t even get to finish my burger.
BallinToTheWallin: WHAT IS ON MY HANDS?
MonstersBall:  Did he kill a hobo?
KomiKazi: /Rolls eyes
KomiKazi: Yes, Rickard. You killed a hobo. Just stright up, stone cold murdered a dude.
BallinToTheWallin: AHHHHH!
MonstersBall:  I don’t know you!
BallinToTheWallin: /wipes hands on every available surface
KomiKazi: Nah, I was just messing with you—
BallinToTheWallin: what will these hands never be clean?

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Birthday Party

If you just imagine that I regularly hang out with some of the Leafs and we’re drinking buddies, this all works. Trust me. 


TOMAS KABERLE: I thought LD already had a birthday.
LUKE SCHENN: Nah, that was the blogthday. This is her actual birthday.
PHIL KESSEL: Guys, dontcha think it’s kinda weird that a buncha NHL guys like us would go out with a nobody fan like her?
SCHENN: Now that you mention it…it sounds like some crappy fanfic on the Internet.
DION PHANEUF: Yeah, you’d know all about bad fanfic on the Internet, wouldn’t you, Luke?
SCHENN: Go screw yourself, caveman. (LOSER DOMI arrives)
LOSER DOMI: Hey guys!
LEAFS: HI! Happy Birthday! (etc)
KABERLE: Who the hell was that?
SCHENN: I dunno, some angry Harry Potter look-a-like, I guess.
LD: Actually, that sounds like…nevermind.
KESSEL: Hey, you wanna see a Raptors game? Me and Dion went and we had a wicked good time.
PHANEUF: Yeah we did! Tunes were turned up, yo.
LD: Thanks, but…I’m not that big of a basketball fan.
KESSEL: That’s alright. Hackey’s the top game in this town.
SCHENN: Guys, why are we standing around outside? It’s cold and wet out here. 
PHANEUF: I got it. Stupid door, open! (punches door)
KESSEL: Dude…use doorknobs next time.  (The gang goes into the club and many drinks are had over a period of an hour or so)
KESSEL: (intensely to LD)…so then I run my hands down the shaft and maybe do a little more candy cane action on my stick there…
KABERLE: Phil, you’ve been talking about your stick for 20 minutes.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
KABERLE: I wasn’t…you know what? Forget it, I’m getting out of here. It’s a bit too late for me.
SCHENN: Who is that guy?
PHANEUF: And why was he wearing blue pajama pants at 9:30 at night?
KESSEL: You’re turning in already, Kabs?
KABERLE: I’m just…tired all the time. It feels like I’m just going through the motions sometimes. Oh well. (KABERLE leaves)
LD: What’s wrong with him? Tomas always looks so sad and worn out.
PHANEUF: Who the hell knows what’s going on in his head?
WAITRESS: Hey guys, would you like some shots?
SCHENN: What kind of shots are they?
PHANEUF: OH BOY GUYS! Are these the ones with the butterscotch and the whipped cream? Those are AWESOME!
KESSEL: No real man should ever have a drink involving whipped cream.
SCHENN: I’m game to try it.
LD: Sure!
(all 4 have a shot)
KESSEL: Huh…that was pretty good! Are these what people mean when they order blowjobs?
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, more blowjobs!
WAITRESS: Uh…I gave you four buttery nipples.
LD: Whatever! Buttery nipples, blowjobs, buttery blowjobs, it’s all good here!
(several hours later,  PHANEUF, KESSEL, SCHENN, and LD have had many, many shots and it shows. )
KESSEL: WOWIE! Those things are pretty good!
SCHENN: I have four fingers. And this table won’t stop moving on me! Jerk!
PHANEUF: I told ya they were!
LD: Whoa, guys, that’s been an awful lot of buttery nipples. Are we gonna be ok to go home?
KESSEL: Yer always ok to go home with us, LD! (goes to put arm around LD, but slips and falls down.) Owie.
PHANEUF: I jus’ wanna say, I just wanna say…LD, it takes a lot, and I mean a LOT of guts to do what you do. I mean, making fun of huge NHL dudes who could totally snap your twiggy ass in two without breaking a sweat? You gotta have balls to do that….er, sorry, Phil.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
SCHENN: Hey Phil, we literally drank you under the table! All literal-like! (laughs)
KESSEL: Shut up! I hate you guys.
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, can we get some more buttery nipples over here?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry…but you guys drank all of the schnapps we had. We can’t make anymore.
SCHENN: Ahhh…it’s ok.
WAITRESS: But, uh, are you guys all set for the night, then? Can we settle the tab?
KESSEL: DO you know who we are?
PHANEUF: We’re kind of a big deal!
WAITRESS: I know who she is, but I don’t know you three guys.
SCHENN: Wait, how do you be a waitress in Toronto and you know her but not 3 members of the Leafs?
LD: I’ll have you know that I am a minor Internet celebrity…actually, wait, I’m lame, never mind. Actually, you know, let's just forget it, pay up, and get out of here. (the four pay up and leave teh bar and are greeted by BEARDED MAN selling roses on a street corner.) 
BEARDED MAN: Roses? Anyone?
LD: No thanks. I'm ok.
KESSEL: Wait a look familiar...
SCHENN: Are you Rickard Wallin?
BEARDED MAN: Uh...yes. I am Rickard Wallin.
PHANEUF: Then fuck you, Wallin, right in your lazy eye. (WALLIN looks down and starts to cry a bit as LD, PHANEUF, KESSEL and SCHENN continue on their way. THE END)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Friday YouTube Yoinkag: March 12, 2010

For this week's youtube Yoinkage, I didn't have a theme until a bit late at night, Luckily, PPP user and twitter buddy of mine Kidkawartha had an idea: llamas. However, I couldn't find much interesting, so he suggested "hockey + high andes". These are some videos that are found in that search.

Clip one is a collection of funny goal celebrations:

Clip two is an old Goofy cartoon called "Hockey Homicide":

Clip three: some high school kid falls down while introducing himself to the TV camera:

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Time to Say Goodbye: Lee Stempniak

You may know Lee Stempniak from his mildly popular advice show here on WWoLD. I'll be honest: I started Ask Lee Stempniak to get rid of him. It seemed like every time I give a Leafs player a show, he gets traded. It happened to Carlo Colaiacovo, Nik Antropov (and now Alexei Poinkarovsky), and even Darcy Tucker (despite his show lasting ONE ENTIRE EPISODE.) Someone brought this up and I decided to try giving someone a show to delibratly trade him. That choice was Lee Stempniak, who I didn't really like at the time.

Ask Lee Stempniak is the longest-running Leafs show that I have done so far, and it has been tons of fun to write, but something else happened. I started to dislike Lee less and less to where I considered him one of the higher-ranking men in my stable of imaginry hockey boyfriends. What a sneaky, sneaky bastard to ninja his way into my heart like that.

Great moments in WWoLD history:
Well, he did have that show. shot in the face for his WWoLD debut...starred in one of the most heartbreaking, melodramatic slashfics ever written... helped Vesa Toskala when he was trapped in a closet...made us all love Buttons...cameoed in the longest period of time Mike Van Ryn has ever gone without an injury..."I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it."...settled a music dispute.

What I Learned from Lee Stempniak:
 Obviously, I can't have imaginary Leafs boyfriends, ESPECIALLY if they have a show here. I guess there's only one thing to do...


Also, keep an eye out for my new feature "Czech out Cooking with Kaberle."

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Time To Say Goodbye/Friday Youtube Yoinkage March 5, 2010

(photo source)
Today, I decided to combine the FYY and saying good bye to Alexei Ponikarovsky because Poni has had some memorable videos of him.

Clip one has him, Nik Antropov and Jeremy Williams talking about the Canadian Provinces, the NHL,and mustaches.

Clip two has Antropov and Ponikarovsky as the new "Odd couple". This is what spawned the Antro and Poni Super Awesome show and many,many jokes about cheesebourgers and sosa sola.

Clip three has some goals and other game goodness from Alexei:

Great Moments in WWoLD History:
Alexei was quite the supporting player, even if he wasn't usually the star of the show...there was the aforementioned show he had for three short episodes...Tried to win over CoachRonWilson...had one of the hardest scenes for me to write ever in "Leafer Madness"...certainly didn't eat Vesa Toskala...really, really, REALLY missed Nik Wendel Clark into the Maple Leafs Chats

What I Learned From Alexei Ponikarovsky:
UKRAINE NOT WEAK, don't be afriad to use your size, and learn to live with slobs.

Here's to some Happy Poni Time in Pittsburgh!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Time to Say Goodbye: Martin Skoula

I know, I know. Martin, you were a Leafs player of all of about 16 hours (give or take). But that doesn't mean you can't have an impact, right?

Ah, who am I kidding? By the time you got flipped, I forgot who you were. Best of luck in new Jersey, though!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Trade Deadline Update

I felt a need to update, but since the trade deadline is tomorrow, I decided to hold off on any real stories until then. Even after the deadline has passed, most of what I write immediately afterward will be time to say good bye posts. As a result, I have booze and the Batman gif ready to go. 

Let's go!


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