Today's theme is "that...that JUST happened, part 2"
Clip one: Don Cherry sings techno. That's all you need to know.
clip two: Jordan Staal apparently likes drinking and making goofy faces. Actually, he makes goofy faces anyway.
clip three: just because it's hilarious, some guys dressed as Supertroopers playing Rock Band:
This is kind of, sorta a parody of Dream Me for a Tragedy. If you can’t access LiveJournal, it’s a slashfic starring Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal where Staal has HIV (thanks, Wrap!) It was so over the top and melodramatic, I feltI had to do a tribute of my own.
Lee Stempniak was hungry for something mere food couldn’t provide. He and Mike Van Ryn had be only friends when they first met, but coming to Toronto had made them both realize that they had something deeper and more meaningful between them. Lee kissed Mike deeply, his hot tongue probing and pulsating with urgent need.Mike knew what they both wanted and needed, but he also knew something Lee didn’t know, Mike pushed Leeaway. “Lee, no. We can’t...” he added. “What do you mean ‘we can’t’?” asked Lee, flames of desire still burning in his eyes. “Lee”, Mike stammered, “We...”. He sighed. “I have HIV.”
The color drained from Lee’s face. “Oh.” he said. All he could say was ‘Oh.” The pair looked at each other for whatseemed like forever until they both started to cry. With the tears came Mike’s story--a drug addicted nurse injected herself and then her patients, and Mike had the awful luck of being under her care after one of his many injuries. Leestopped sobbing long enough to choke out “But...how did you get to the NHL, where guys are always getting cut andthere’s blood all over, without anyone knowing you have HIV? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Look, this is hard and I think I need some space to think things out. I should leave.”
Mike looked puzzled. “But Lee...isn’t this your house?” he asked
Lee sniffed and answered, “Oh, yeah. Right. Listen, not to be a total dick, but uh...”
Mike stopped him. “Yeah, I’ll get going. So...see you at practice tomorrow?” Lee nodded as Mike left.
The next day at practice, Lee felt like lead. He wondered if anyone else knew about Mike’s HIV. Surely the trainersmust know, since they would be the ones dealing with an injury. Lee’s contemplation was broken by the entrance of Matt Stajan and John Mitchell, joking around as usual.
“...so I’m like, ‘That’s what your mom said!’” laughed Matt.
“Oh man, that’s good”, giggled John “You gotta see this crazy guy I saw last night--I have his picture on my phone.”John turned on his phone and suddenly he yelled, “What the fuck? My phone fuckin’ died on me!”
“Heh, maybe it has teh AIDS”, chuckled Matt.
“Yeah, it’s got phone AIDS” sniggered John.
"You guys shouldn’t joke about that,” Lee interjected. “People die from AIDS every day and it’s not a fun death.”
“People die of cancer all the time--way more than AIDS--and that doesn’t stop Jason Blake from making cancer jokes”, returned John.
Jason turned around at the mention of his name. “That’s different”, he said. “If you make cancer jokes, you’re still an insensitive jerk. If I make cancer jokes, it’s OK because I’ve earned it.. If you survive cancer, you get to make all thecancer jokes you want. You even get a little card and everything.”
Practice went normally, with Lee dutifully fulfilling the role of teammate and player. After the skate, which CoachWilson was going over some plays, Lee realized he couldn’t keep silent anymore. “OK, so Van Ryn, you go--” Lee stood up and cut off his coach.
“And Van Ryn is a jackass!” cried Lee. “Seriously Mike, you thought you could go on forever and not tell anyone you’re sick? What the FUCK, MIKE?!”
Mike tried to defend himself : “Look, my counts are good, “I’m as healthy as I can be--”
Lee cut him off: “How could you be so STUPID, MIKE?” He continued quietly. “How could you be so selfish? All those long, late night talks about honesty and trust and you couldn’t mention ‘Oh, by the way, I have AIDS’?
“I do NOT have AIDS. I have HIV, you asshole!” yelled Mike.
“See, this is why I don’t date teammates” Matt whispered to John.
“You’re gay?” asked John.
“I’m bisexual, asshat”, snorted Matt.
Lee left the room, not caring he was still in full gear, with tears and sobs pouring out of him.
Nothing could have prepared Mike for the visit he had from Matt Stajan the next day. “Mike, “ said Matt, “I dunno how to say this, but...Lee Stempniak died last night. He accidentally fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck.But at least the docs don’t think he suffered at all. The way he landed, he was probably dead before you could say‘Deus ex machina.’”
Mike was stunned. He and Lee were supposed to separate after HIV decaying into AIDS becoming the death sentence, not through some quick and stupid accident.
“I never said I was sorry.” Mike sighed.
To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I tackle the one and only Sidney Crosby Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.
Let me tell you a story about a celebration that went wrong. I was out with some of my buddies celebrating my birthday (no it wasn’t like this . Actually, I wish it could’ve been like that.) We were all out and I saw this pink hatter in jeans and a sweater. If you ask me, the cropped Crosby jersey is always a good choice. We got to talking—I forget what about since I wasn’t really paying attention anyway—and eventually she and I decided to go back to her place. I figured I’d be nice to Mario and not interrupt him during his Tivo’d stories. He hates it when I do that.
She brought me into her place and said “I’m going to go slip into something more comfortable.” As I grabbed a chair in the kitchen/living room I noticed that she had a riding crop on a small table. I couldn’t figure it out. I mean, she lives in an apartment in Pittsburgh—where does she keep a riding horse? I didn’t get much of a chance to think about it because she came back in the room. Now, she said she was going to get “into something more comfortable.” She had changed from a jersey and jeans into a leather bustier and six-inch stiletto boots. How is that “more comfortable”? I don’t get it.
Before I knew it, she had me naked and was tying me to the bedposts. It was so weird—why would she tie me up when I didn’t want to leave? She asked me “How do you like my ball-gag, Sid?” and she shoved a ball gag in my mouth and tied it tight. I told her, “I don’t want to do this! You’re actually scaring the hell out of me, woman!”, but on account of eth ball gaga it sounded more like “ I hon ant ‘a ‘ou fis, ‘our a lully skairn a ‘ell ouva me!” At this point a large black Batman appeared with a bat-mask and bat-cape but no bat-pants. I saw that and freaked out. I somehow busted the bed posts and I ran like hell. I didn’t even care that I was totally naked, had a ball gag in my mouth and had two broken bedposts tied to my wrists. I got home (I run really fast) and pounded on the window, since my key was in the pants that I was no longer wearing. I could already hear Mario grumbling “this had better be good for me to miss Theo being autistic. "
He opened the door and rushed me in, saying “I can’t fuckin’ believe it! I’d expect this kind of shit from Jordan Staal, but not from you, Sid. You have to stop hunting cougars, man.”
(SCENE: SIDNEY CROSBY, JORDAN STAAL and MARC-ANDRE FLEURY are all sitting in a hotel room in
FLEURY: Man, I’m so bored! What do we do in
STAAL: Nah.
FLEURY: We could throw water balloons at cars.
STAAL: We could prank call people.
STAAL: (as he takes hotel phone and dials a random number) Maybe. (hands phone to
FLEURY: Ask if dere refrigerator is running!
ANSWERER: Actually, Yes, it has been for the past two GODDAMN WEEKS and NONE of you lazy sonsaBITCHES can seem to get off your asses come and take a look at…
STAAL: Just hang up, just hang up (
ERIC STAAL: Uh, yeah, Eric speaking. Why may I ask are you calling?
JORDAN STAAL: I’m from the Pittsburgh Penguins and it seems your brother Jordan just broke his ankle and we were wondering if you’d come in and substitute.
ERIC STAAL:…seriously?
JORDAN STAAL: No way, I’m just FOOLING with ya, man! (hangs up phone and all three laugh hysterically)
FLEURY: I got good one! (takes phone and dials number) Hello, I, uh, (giggles) Sidney Crosby. And if you (giggles) hit self on head with da phone (giggles) I give you a million dollars.
FEMALE ANSWERER: You don’t sound anything like Sidney Crosby!
FLEURY: I have a bad hallergies. (hangs up) She didn’t fall for it. So disappointing.
FLEURY: Allo?
STAAL: Sid, you can’t prank call somebody when they’re in the room with you. It just doesn’t work.
