Monday, August 30, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: Not The Beachcombers

photo source:’s-romantic-hawaiian-holiday/
Cuthbert_Island: Oh Dion, it’s so nice to have this little beach getaway before the season gets too crazy.
MaiHartWillDion: Yeah. Being the captain’s gonna be hard work, but I know that if I have you, I can do anything.
Cuthbert_Island: Awww…that’s so sweet!
MaiHartWillDion: Wait a second…who are those guys right over there?
Cuthbert_Island: Don’t worry about them.  They have just as much right to the beach as we do…
MaiHartWillDion: Ah, shit. It’s Mike and Phil. God damn it.
KomiKazi: Hey Dion, Elisha.
KesselRun81Parsecs: HAY GUYZ!
MaiHartWillDion: Hey Mike and Phil. What’s up?
KomiKazi: OK, listen. Sean Avery and I were trying to do a “What Not to Wear” type thing with Phil as our project.
Cuthbert_Island:  Wait, why were you hanging out with Sean Avery?
KomiKazi: We ran into each other the other night, started slinging back Jaegerbombs and Appletinis and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, we got into an argument and…Sean’s not here.
KesselRun81Parsecs: We had to defend your honor, Elisha!
KomiKazi: No, *I* defended her honor. You just held open the dumpster lid while I dumped in Avery’s bloody body.
Cuthbert_Island: Oh my God, YOU KILLED SEAN AVERY?!
KomiKazi:…I don’t think I did.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Sean said he wanted to open a restaurant called “Sloppy Second Joe’s” and name sandwiches after you two. He said he’d make ‘em “with extra spunk.”
KomiKazi: Yeah, then he dropped a P-bomb and I kinda lost my shit.
MaiHartWillDion: P-bomb?
KesselRun81Parsecs: He called him a Polack, which I never knew was a bad word.
MaiHartWillDion: I thought Polack was that guy that did the dripping paintings.
Cuthbert_Island: You’re thinking of Jackson Pollack, he did the splatter paintings. Polack is a bad word for a Polish person.
KomiKazi: Thank you!  Now you know why I got upset.
MaiHartWillDion: You didn’t kill him, did you? I mean, Avery’s a pesky little shithead to play against, but killing him’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Nah, Mike wouldn’t kill him. He’s just not as pretty as he was before, even if he wasn’t so pretty to start with.
KomiKazi: Seriously, you’d think somebody who spent that much time and energy on fashion and appearance would know what works and what doesn’t, but he just puts out a subpar product. I roll out of bed looking this fabulous.
Cuthbert_Island: So why are you two here, then?
KomiKazi: After we ditched Avery, we kinda looked at each other and said “Fuck it, let’s go to the beach.”
Cuthbert_Island: Well…wouldn’t you guys rather go back where you were? It’s all rocky and uncomfortable here.
Cuthbert_Island: /wink, wink
MaiHartWillDion: Nah, Elisha, I got this. Komi, Phil…
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, Dion?
MaiHartWillDion: Continue cockblocking me and I will punch both of you in the throat. Okay?
KomiKazi: Ohhh…hey Phil, let’s uh…get ice cream.
KesselRun81Parsecs: YAAAAAY ICE CREAM!
MaiHartWillDion: See you guys!
Cuthbert_Island: Bye!
KomiKazi: Later!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Hey Mike…was I the only person back there to not whatsits with Elisha?
KomiKazi: Pffft, I was doing the Cuthbert back when it was underground and cool. Now, not only would you be a bandwagon-jumper, Dion would gut you like a fish.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Ah, geez.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Maple Leafs Chat: Phil and Tyler’s Excellent Adventure

Photo Source:

KesselRun81Parsecs: Tyler, while I agree that our team will be most triumphant, the truth is, the Toronto Maple Leafs will never be a super team until we can get other high scorers.
Bozak_Attack: Yes, Phil. But I do not believe we will have high scorers until we can get our defensive log jam cleared up.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Tyler, it is pointless to clear up our defensive squad before we can even do well on powerplays
Bozak_Attack: How can we have decent power plays when we can’t even win faceoffs?
KesselRun81Parsecs: That’s why we need high scorers.
Bozak_Attack: Excellent!
Bozak_Attack: /fist pump
KesselRun81Parsecs: /fist pump
Bozak_Attack: What do you think, Dion?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, D. How do you think this year’s squad will compare to past Leafs?
MaiHartWillDion: Everything is different, but the same. ..we’ll be more moderner than before..bigger, and yet faster…it’s computers and Twitter…GO LEAFS GO!
MaiHartWillDion: /punches wall

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Friday Youtube Yoinkage August 20, 2010

This week's theme comes to us from the Twitter account of Sean Leahy, who linked the following video:

I couldn't look away. There needed to be a Leafs version, if there wasn't already one. I made one:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Monday, August 9, 2010

What the HELL, Yahoo Answers?

OK, fine. I know what an intellectual abyss Yahoo Answers is. I'm fine with that.When I go there for kicks, I know I'm not getting the sharpest tools in the shed. But the two highlighted questions that are "related" questions to "A few Q's about the Leafs" has me wondering what the hell is going on. The whole million monkeys at a million typewriters hasn't churned out Hamlet yet, but frankly, I'm not surprised. Although, to be honest, I wonder if the "I wanna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I suck!?" is at all related to the question about Vesa Toskala signing in Sweden. I'd like to imagine it is, just for laughs.

And Y!A, how DARE you invoke the name of Two girls one cup in my hockey section! Especially with this winner of an answer:

no, this is a made up "video" that does not exisit, only in the imagination of the mind.
great internet hoax that people keep perpetuating. no one has seen it.

you should see "two guys one bottle". now THAT....
if it ever existed it would be on youtube and everyone would have a link.:)))

Le Bouchon, you're an idiot. But at least you're just one idiot in a sea of them, so you'll have plenty of company.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A concerning trend…

I'll be honest, I’m not a math person. I have no interest in statistic wonkery or crunching numbers. That’s why I specialize in dick jokes, youtube and slashfic. However, there are some stats that even I cannot ignore.

I first time started to really care about hockey (and specifically the Leafs) began early in my last year of high school. This would place my timing in late 2004. We all know what happened in 2004 , so that season’s a write off. However, let’s take a look at the seasons after that. All numbers are from eth Maple Leafs website and only take into account the regular season.

2005-2006: 18th in the league, with 90 points and a 0.549 winning percentage. To be fair, this was also my first year of university, so…let’s just say there’s quite a bit I don’t remember. I do remember high-fiving some random guy at a party because 1) he was wearing a Leafs shirt and 2) Mats Sundin was not in need of surgery to fix a broken orbital bone. I also remember high-fiving another girl because of the acquisition of Eric Lindros. To be honest, I think that was during Frosh Week, which was one big blur to me anyway.

2006-2007: 18th in the league, 91 points, 0.55 winning percentage. There isn’t a lot I remember about this season, except one of my favorite hockey memories so far. I was in second year, in the common room of one of the dorms. I was watching a Habs-Leafs game (I think it was a Leafs home game, but I’m not sure) as the lone Leafs fan in a room of five or six Habs fans . The game went to a shootout, which the Leafs notoriously suck at. The best part of the night was not that the Leafs won, but rather the reactions of the Habs guys. It was a blast hearing the rink announcer say something like “next for the Maple Leafs…ALEXEI…PONIKAROVSKY!!!” and seeing the Habs guys go “OH FUCK! NOO!!!”

2007-2008: October 2007 was when I actually started writing about the Leafs. The Leafs finished 23rd in the league with 83 points and a 0.506 winning percentage.

2008-2009: finished 24th in the entire league, 81 points and a 0.494 winning percentage. Much swearing, tears, and alcohol consumption.

2009-2010: Finished 29th in the entire league with 74 points and a 0.451 winning percentage. I wanted to drink this team and myself into oblivion.

Each year, the team missed the playoffs. I know that some years were closer misses than others, but they were still misses. Now, I understand that the nature of sports teams is highly cyclic. I know that teams go through ups and downs and in a league with 30 teams, dry spells are inevitable. Just to be on the safe side, let’s look at the five years before I started following the Leafs, not counting the lockout.

2003-2004: finished FIFTH in the entire league with 103 points and a winning percentage of 0.628
2002-2003: NINTH in the league with 98 points and a 0.598 winning percentage.
2001-2002: Finished THIRD in the league with 100 points and a winning percentage of 0.610.
2000-2001: 14th in the league with 90 points and .549 winning percentage.
1999-2000: 7th in the league (out of 28 teams) with 100 points and 0.610 winning percentage.

What in the Hell happened?

On behalf of fans, be they LeafsNation, Spawn of ’67, PPP girlfriends, or Damien Cox sock puppets, I’d like to offer an apology. I am truly and deeply sorry that I decided, for no logical or sentimental reason, became a Leafs fan.


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